Thursday, February 5, 2009

To blog or not to blog

Today when I checked my email, my mom had replied to the letter I sent her in which I told her about the blog. She basically said "That explains the food pictures.", and that she's noticed that I've been doing a lot better at meals/ with scary foods. She also said that she couldn't judge for herself whether this was a good thing for me to be doing, so she suggested that I ask my therapist/ group. She wants to see my blog on the weekend.

So today I had group therapy and talked about my blog as my "round". I felt really uncomfortable explaining it, and I don't think I got my point across too well. First, most of the girls didn't know what a food blog was. Second, I couldn't put into words how this blog has been helping my recovery. The therapist who leads my group said that she couldn't decide whether or not blogging is a good thing for me, because it's different for each person and depends on what stage of recovery they're in. One of her main concerns was that the bloggers who comment here would give me advice that wouldn't work. This hasn't happened so far (because you're all so amazing!) but I can see how non-professional advice could hurt me. My group therapist was also afraid of "cyber-bullying". This hasn't happened to me either, but I don't know how I'd react if someone commented on here specifically to offend me or take advantage of my disorder.

She also asked three important questions. They were meant to be rhetorical in group, but I'll answer them here.

Q: Is blogging just another way for me to get attention?
A: No. Of course it makes me happy to get comments, but I am more focused on using this blog as a way to share my love of food and help my recovery than I am on gaining popularity in the blogging world.

Q: If I'm only talking to people online about recovery and food, will it be harder for me to interact with people in real life without using those as conversation pieces?
A: This is something that I've noticed recently. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to find things to talk about with people my age other than food. I'm sort of introverted by nature, but I'm just closing up my shell even more because I can't have normal conversations anymore. Sometimes, I find things to talk about with kids in my orchestra and can chit-chat sort of well, so this one is TBD.

Q: Will blogging make me even more obsessed with food and healthy eating than I already am?
A: I don't know. I'd really like to believe that I have a genuine interest in food and that I'd be cooking and baking all the time even if I didn't have an ED. Often times, it seems that I can't find anything else to think of besides food. If I'm bored, I go online and look up recipes, and sometimes don't eat what I'd really like because it doesn't seem "blog worthy". I have a couple of good distractions though, like doing puzzles, ballet, and playing the cello. This one will be figured out later too.

My group therapist asked that I talk to my individual therapist about the blog too. I really don't want to quit blogging, because I've made so many great relationships on here and would be so sad to just let them go! I think I'll keep the blog, but I may have to make changes so I can do what will be best for my recovery.

Alright, that's done! Don't have too many pictures today. Part of breakfast was a yummy bowl of oats. Toppings were chopped crystalized ginger, applesauce, and graham cracker crumbs.

I'll just skip right over lunch and onto my snack, which involved a cinnamon roll Larabar. This flavor is pretty good, but nothing compared to my favorite, apple pie! Meh.

Din dins was yummers. I made cheesy baked cauliflower. I realize that this is the second day in a row that I've had something with "cheesy" in the title, but it's okay because I like cheese! This was pretty good, but it needs something to help it stick together better. And more cheese!
With a baked Quorn chik'n cutlet, brushed with evoo and seasoned with cumin, oregano and garlic powder. I really don't like these too much. I'm a vegetarian, I don't want my food to taste like meat! These are too real tasting for me. But my mom buys them, so I keep eating them...

Sorry for the super long post. I'm just trying to put some things into perspective. Now I'm off to do a puzzle, goodnight lovelies!


Jess :) said...

I don't think you should stop blogging, but that's my personal opinion! I see you getting better and better everyday and all the support on here can only make it better!! I hope you continue to. I know I sure love it! Have a great night and lovely foods :)
<3 jess :)

Laci said...

Hey Kiki!
It's great you told people about your blog, and I'm sorry if they seem suspicious of it like it's "feeding" your ED. When I created mine (recently) I was a bit nervous about the people out there, but then I realised only SOMe people comment regularly (you, Shelby, Lauren) and some occasionally... some vot at all! That's ok, I'm just trying to build relationships, and what you said just hit me: will it always be about food/recovery? I guess this will be one TBD questions about our blogs, but so far I am LOVINg it and meeting new peoplez (like U!) who are hearing what I have to say and I'm getting to know because of something we have in common (mainly food and recovery) So it's really up to you, I mean I think it's helped me in many ways but if you think it's occupying your time, all I can say is I'm going to miss you dearly!
:.( but I understand if that's what's best, and no, I don't plan on blogging my way into collage or even senior year of highschool! =0
Great eats today, and my all time fav. larabar is PB cookie but that's contaminated so I've been suffering without! :..(
Oh, and I actually like faux meat but thinking of eating ACTUAL FLESH makes my stomach crawl, despite the poor nutritional value but also the though of what you are contributing to harm the earth and animals!? YUCK!
P.S. good luck with the duistractions! Sometimes I wonder if I'm obessed with food/baking because of ED or it's really a passion... maybe both? I need to sart enhanccing my passions too! ;)

Selba said...

Hi Kiki, first time for me in here :)

I've been blogging since year 2005. My first blog was a personal/daily life blog, when I told a very few of my friends that I've a blog, they are not supportive at all (even until today) because they think that a blog is for narcissist people, people who don't have things to do and lonely (I guess the same way of saying "getting attention"). Then just until last year, I decided to close my personal blog but then I feel that blog is a place where I can pour my passion and I missed blogging so now, I ended up with having a food blog :)

Erin said...

baby girl please don't stop blogging!
i think it DOES help you
and yes, people are really skeptical
my nutritionist like hates that i blog, very angry actually
but it should be a personal decision and yours only

and i hope you choose to stay

Anonymous said...

I really hope you don't have to quit blogging!
I'm going to miss you too much!!!!

APPLE PIE lara is my favorite too! high five ;)

Sharon said...

I really don't want to see you leave blogging. And I think you do address the answers to the questions quite well, in that, if blogging helps, then I think you should definitely continue it. I think blogging will help you try new things and establish a different relationship with food - an enjoyable relationship that is.

Anyways, I really hope all goes well for you Kiki!

Anonymous said...


Just do what your heart tells you to do, only you can decide whats best.

Gaby said...

Hey! I think it's great you're telling your mom and therapists about the blog. One of the worst parts of ED's is all the secrecy and lying, and I've learned that anything I do, whether ED or not, if I don't think I could tell my mom without upsetting her or being embarrassed about my behavior, I probably shouldn't be doing. So the fact that you were mature about it, have explained your reasons and are even smart enough to question yourself is a really big step.
I also think the blog can be really beneficial to your recovery as long as you keep it in it's place, obviously real life is far more important. As much as I and everyone else in this community care about you, we just can't replace your in person friends and family. That being said, if there is any blog bullying ever, I know we'll all jump right on that and take care of it, so no worries there :)
Since ED recovery is not only about food, it's about getting back to living your life, maybe a good idea would be to talk about all the good things that are coming back for you, spend a little time blogging about your food if it was particularly good (and also so we can hold you accountable!) but also talk about ballet, cello, how school is going, if you're making friends, boys ;) etc.
Ultimately, it's up to you and what you think will be best as far as your recovery, though I'd love to stay in touch either way! your life is #1!

ps. since I spoke of holding you accountable, I just thought I should mention that din dins looked a bit small today :\ so this is my friendly shove to have an extra big snack!

Brooke said...

im so proud of you for opening up to your group tonight! no one on my recovery team knows of my food blog (i dont think i have the courage to tell them anyway) but you know what is best for you. recovery is #1, blogging comes second. if that means making the foods you like/enjoy/need/crave or not posting you daily eats then that is what you should do :) i want to see you experience recovery! you deserve it love.

sweet dreams <3

p.s your oatmeal looks gorgeousss!

Breaking Free said...

Pshhh, only stupid people bully people who have eating disorders....Well, I'm glad that your mom was so understanding and accepting. Just from reading your blog I feel inspired to push further ahead in my recovery because I see all of the great gains that you have made, and how you have been able to conquer your fears. I can also tell that blogging has helped you in your recovery as well.

Sometimes I think that I only want to recover to "fit in" I guess, or just because I'm inspired, but I think I am working through that. True, I am inspired but I also want to learn to love myself and just live life again and enjoy eating new foods.

I first started my blog as an outlet for writing because I used to be such a great writer and I was just dying to write something again. And then I found you guys which led me to open up about my ED, something I was very hesitant about doing beforehand. I was only going to briefly hint at it, if I was ever going to talk about it.

But I'm glad that I found this blogging community, because I get really good support and it helps me to recognize when my ED is trying to lead me astray.

I must admit though I am a bit obsessed with it lately, and I love getting comments. This is probably because I am lonely and hoping to make some friends again. Weird, but sometimes I even find myself thinking about what to write during the day. haha Sometimes I even worry that I am just posting things that will look good or get good responses. eh so confusing..But I think I need to work on living my own life a little bit more.

Anyways, just wanted to tell you that I think you are doing really great in your recovery and thanks for opening up!

dollymixtures said...

I reckon you do have a genuine interst in food - ED could never think up the yummy recipes that you do! Youshould definately keep blogging, as long as you enjoy it and dont feel it's a chore. It's a way to have a little social life, fun, and to promote your amazing eats! Keep up all your hard work honey xxx

aussirish said...

i think the blogging community is awesome and i think its super helpful so if you feel like its helping you then keep bloggging girlie :) the therapists jus dont know how to interpret it cause it can be seen as another form of ed obbsession but as long as you know its not about that then i think its ok.
great eats hun
love you

Anonymous said...

mmm i love micro'd banana! especially with PB blobbed on it so it melts. omggg. heaven. have you ever tried microwaving sliced apples? its so easy and tastes like apple pie filling.. SO sweet.. espesh with some cinnamon or nutmeg :)
i'm so proud of you for emailing your mum! i also think it's really good that you are questioning how blogging is impacting your health.. but i really hope you decide to keep up with it cause i love your blogggg so much :) hope youve had a good day sweets xxxxx

Anonymous said...

I always like reading your blog, so I hope you don't have to stop.
But good job on telling people about it. I haven't told anybody about mine yet though. It's not really all about food, my blog, but more of a public journal to me. Hm...
Anyhow, have a great day.

Mel said...

Aw girl, I definitely think this is helping you. It gives you a healthy environment to vent and to help you along your way to recovery. There are so many positive thinkers in this community. I have seen some VERY negative online environments like pro-anorexia websites and things like that that are absolutely HORRIBLE, and I think that those types of blogs would be of concern, but this is a really POSITIVE thing. But ultimately, you should do what's best for you in your recovery. I hope you stick around, I love reading your posts :-) Have a great weekend girlie <3

Jemima said...

I know personally I would be gutted if you stopped blogging but you do need to consider what's best for you. If you think blogging is helping you then by all means keep going - I think it's something that's very hard for ppl to truly understand unless they've experienced the community themselves - I think maybe your Mum might come around if she reads your blog and realises how much you challenge yourself and that you get positive, not negative, feedback? <3 love you loads and keep going, you're so strong and brave :)

collegeveg said...

You raise some really interesting points about the whole blogging deal, but I think if you are surrounded by supportive people and it helps you to think about food in a positive way than it is progress. There is a great community here, but we have to remember that there are a lot of awesome people out there too!


CaSaundraLeigh said...

Hey! I am so glad I found your blog. I think that blogging is in no way a cry for attention; instead it's a creative venue and it definitely can help you heal! I know it has for me. You should check out mine =) I'll def stop by again! Keep blogging & stay strong!