What is WRONG with me?

Ahhh girls, this makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time! I'm so so so ridiculously hungry! After I finish a meal, I'm only full for about five minutes and then I start getting hungry again. Seriously! All day I've been trying to eat when I'm hungry, but it's so difficult when I feel hungry enough to eat a full meal every single second. I'm okay with taking in the extra cals, surprisingly, because I know my body needs it for a reason. BUT in order to keep me from eating everything in the house I've been distracting myself by playing cello, doing puzzles, and reading, which kind of works. But as soon as I'm done my hunger comes back. I feel sort of better knowing that my metabolism is probably burning up right now though :] And thank you all for your reassurance.

The other day I mentioned that I would be baking muffins this weekend using one of food bloggers' favorite products. I woke up really early this morning so I had time. We've had this box of PB Puffins sitting in the pantry for a really long time, so I wanted to use them up and buy a fresh box today. And we also had a lot of apples. So, without further ado, I give you: apple-Peanut Butter Puffin muffins!
Ingredients:

• 1 1/4 c flour
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp nutmeg
• 1/2 c brown sugar
• 1 heaping cup applesauce
• 1 small apple, finely diced
• 1 egg
  
• 1 c PB puffins, slightly crushed

1. Sift together flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, and nutmeg.
2. In a smaller bowl, combine the brown sugar, applesauce, egg, and apple. Stir the wet ingredients into the dry. Stir in the Puffins.
3. Scoop into 10 greased muffin tins.
4. Bake at 350 for 22-25 minutes.
   

Heehh I'm so proud of myself. The puffins actually dissolve when the muffins are cooked fully and just give a touch of peanut-buttery sweetness. I think next time, I'll either add more puffins, crush them less, or add a couple tbs of peanut butter to get a stronger PB taste. But these are very moist and the chunks of apple are nice.

I also had an apple with cheese. Anddd a bowl of oats topped with Honey nut cheerioes (new obsession), bluebs, and PB. Simple and delicious.

Then I went off to ballet. It went well! I think all this extra food is making me much more positive! I was sort of expecting that ED would start going off about how I've gained tons and tons of weight from eating when I'm hungry, but he didn't. And I saw myself as how I really look. So yay! We went to the mall for lunch (arg! hate fast food.) and I went to Maui Tacos. As far as fast food goes, MT is pretty healthy. I got the vegetarian bowl, which was: brown rice, lettuce, homemade salsa, black beans, and guacamole. I ate all but the chips.

Then I went to Trader Joe's, yayz! It was really crowded today and the lines were super long. And since TJ's has such fabulous customer service, they were giving out samples of chocolate chip almond cookies to everyone standing in line. I was ravenous, so of course I had to have one and they're delish! No pic, sorry. When I got home, I had a NP granola bar and some TJ's japanese rice snacks and counted it (except I didn't count) towards lunch. The rice snacks are made of puffed mochi rice and are covered with a sweet-salty soy coating. They're really good. Crunch crunch.

For my actual snack, I had a micro'd apple dipped in sunflower seed butter and two multi grain rice cakes w/ melted cheese. I picked the SSB up at Trader Joe's today and I quite like it. It taste similar to PB, but not as sweet. It's hard to describe, it has a darker, more complex flavor than PB.

For dinner, I made pasta faggioli. This was amazing even though it turned out like stew. I think next time I'll use a lot less water. I also had peas!


The lovely Kailey tagged me to show my favorite spring fashion.
I don't possess a great sense of style, like some of you. I like spring fashion though, because it gives me lots of opportunity to wear girl patterns, namely florals and paisley! I love watches, little drop earrings, and pretty purses. I like to wear pastel button-ups, as well as flowy blouses. I also wear a lot of white because it's fresh and pure like spring! I made the bracelet on the bottom for NEDAW after I ran out of purple shirts! It's just a simple Chinese staircase. NEDAW is almost over, but I think I'll wear this bracelet forever! Now I tag the following bloggers to do their own spring fashion posts:

• Fay
  
• Jemima
• Shelby
  

Lastly, Jemima, Morgan, Sophia and Mel tagged me with this award. I feel so loved, thank you girls!
I wish I could pass this award on to all of you, but that would take waayyy too long. So, this time, I choose Mel, Erin ,Fay ,Emily.

I have something to talk about but this has been a really long post, so I'll save it for tomorrow. Nighty night!

Talented gorillas ingest figs

The gorillas are talented because I'm pretty sure that there are no figs to be found in tropical forests, so they must have been produced by magic!

Thank you all for the tremendous amount of support you gave me on my post yesterday! Starting intuitive eating and quitting calorie counting has been the biggest ED-bashing step I've taken so far, and it means the world to me to have people encouraging my positivity and reassuring me. And I'm glad you all liked my diary entry, it was sort of a challenge to post something so personal.

Oh and I got a comment from an anonymous commenter asking how I quit binging last year. The answer is that I quit binging as by starting restricting. I was always used to being kind of small and so I was really upset over the decent amount of weight I had gained from my binges. So that's when my restrictive diet began, and before I knew it I was only eating a tiny amount of food and couldn't convince myself to start eating more. You know how it goes. So, I'm sorry that I don't have any advice for combating binging, but don't try restricting instead! Bad idea!

Today has been rather difficult. I've been really energetic and positive all day today, probably due to all the extra food yesterday. But I've also been so amazingly hungry! I feel hungrier than I think I ever have in my life. It's killing me, because while I've been honoring my hunger and eating what I'm craving, ED is telling me that I'm eating a ridiculous amount of food and I'm going to binge and gain a bunch of weight again. Today in between meals and snacks, I've had an apple with cheese, lots of handfuls of assorted cereals, PB, dark chocolate, and walnuts. I just finished dinner and I'm still hungry. I'm scared, what's wrong with me? Is it possible for your metabolism to speed up a lot after just one day of eating more than usual? I'd really like to believe that, because ED is freaking out right now by telling me that all this intuitive eating is going to make me blow up overnight. I'd really appreciate some insight on this.

For my usual bowl of oatmeal today, I was in sort of a rush and just threw on some random toppings. They ended up being a crumbled graham cracker, bluebs, and dark chocolate chips.

Snack was almonds, of course. We had a half-day at school today so the teachers could work on our interims. I came home and made myself a grilled pesto, spinach and mashed black bean sammich. It was delish. I also had a minneola, NP granola bar, and a Stoneyfield Farm strawberry yogurt.

Fay suggested that I curl up in a pillow nest with a mug of hot chocolate to watch one of my favorite movies. That's exactly what I did, and I'm so glad I did! It provided some much needed relaxation. Bonus points to whoever can guess the movie!
I used ghiradelli dark chocolate hot cocoa mix, made with milk. Liquid calories have progressively become more and more of a fear food since I quit drinking Boost. So I challenged ED today and had the cocoa (topped with whipped cream!) and it was amazing. I also had popcorn, because what's a movie without popcorn?

Tonight for dinner, I made cheese grits souffle. Whenever my mom sees me looking at recipes she starts going blah blah blah, grits blah blah blah yummy blah blah. I think she's mentioned them enough so I finally made some! Grits aren't really a Maryland thing but oh well. This was pretty good, but it didn't rise properly. It reminded me of polenta so obviously I had to like it haha.
I had seconds... and also a salad made with lettuce/spinach, black beans, carrots (I know I know!!), and papaya poppyseed dressing.

If you haven't already, make sure you enter Katie's Jocalat bar giveaway! I make CCV's recipes all the time, but for the sake of getting three extra entries I'll show you a pic tonight :] I made vegan yogurt, using 1/2 a banana and 1 tbs cocoa powder. It's not overly sweet, but I'm a fan of raw cocoa so it works for me! Here it is, in it's tupperwared glory

That's all for now! Good night, sleep tight!

First time in...

Evening, lovely love muffins. Speaking of muffins! I have a muffin idea in my head for this weekend. Involving one of the food blogging world's favorite products. But that's all I'm saying for now :]

The exciting part of this post comes soon, but first I'll post a pic of my oatmeal this morning. It was topped with TJ's chai tea mix and half a caramelized nanner.

And for lunch I had a PB sammich, cauliflower, Nature Valley granola bar, and a vanilla Chobby Wob.

This afternoon afterschool I was reading the lovely Mel's blog in which she talks about eating intuitively and giving yourself unconditional permission to eat what you want. I mentioned yesterday that I was having difficulty eating when I was hungry (thanks for the stellar advice, btw) so this post couldn't have come at a better time! It really struck a chord with me how Mel said "...when you deny your body what it's REALLY craving and give it something else instead, you will never be satisfied and then just end up bingeing later on what you wanted in the first place. By giving yourself what you want to begin with, with NO emotional baggage associated with the food, you cut down on the guilt, and thus cut down on the binge/restrict cycle."

I was feeling really starving today for some reason. I was sitting at the computer thinking "okay, you can have your snack at 3:30 before you leave for group. No more." But then I read Mel's post today and a lightbulb went off! I can't expect that recovery is going to come to me without any work. I won't just be able to wake up one morning and be totally in touch with my body, and give it all of and the right type of food it needs. I have to actually practice honoring my hunger consistently, so that becomes my new "normal" diet, rather than restricting what I really want to eat. This disorder has already taken so much from me, I can't let it take away anymore TIME by waiting for recovery to come.

Then I was reading through my diary from early September, 2007. I had just gotten through a couple months of binging after the event that triggered my ED. I'd already been struggling with disordered thoughts for a few years. But a very shortened version of my diary entry is: "You don't have to be skinny to be anorexic. I weight ___ lbs, so I'm not exactly a stick. A lot of guys at my school weigh more than I do. I've dropped my calorie intake to ___ cals a day. In front of my parents and friends, I have to force myself to eat. The thought of consuming anything but water disgusts me. I HATE EATING! I picture my ideal weight at ___. I pick my flaws out in the mirror every day. I swore that I would never do something like this to myself. But I can't help it. This may not seem like a serious problem now because of how much I weigh, but I think that if this goes on I might have a serious problem. I do sort of wish someone would notice I have a problem. I'm tired of being invisible. I need other people to recognize that I'm not always so rational and composed on the inside. I need to be skinny."

Little did I know that a few months later I'd be facing hospitalization for being so underweight. Anyhow, I remember that while I was writing this, I was realizing for the first time that my days of eating carelessly were over. I could no longer eat when I was hungry, without counting cals. I was already so consumed with my disorder that I couldn't be convinced that restricting my body of what it needed was not a way to get noticed, or to feel better about myself for more than a few hours. As I was reading this over, I came to the conclusion that I haven't eaten intuitively in a year and a half. So what way to better mark that by breaking the bad habit? That's right. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, without paying attention to cals.

ED wants me to be embarrased for posting how much I've eaten today, but I refuse. Before I left for group I had a bowl of honey nut cheerios with milk. ED started butting in and jabbering about how it was too sugary for a snack but I brushed him off. In the car to group, I had a string cheese and apple, then after group I had a dark chocolate raspberry almond Quaker True Delights bar. When I got home, I was ravenous, for some reason. I guessed that it might be because of a lack of protein and fat, so I made a bowl of plain yogurt with 1/2 a banana, PB puffins, and a spoon of PB.

And guess what? I didn't feel guilty eating these. At all. In fact, I felt proud that I was respecting my natural hunger signals and not depriving my body of what it needed. I'll admit, for a couple of minutes, I was worried that this would turn into a binge. Even though my binging only lasted a few months, it was one of the most painful things I've ever been through and don't want it back. But I stopped, drank a glass of water, and thought that I was legitimately hungry, I wasn't eating for emotional reasons or because I was bored.

I am on a calorie counting-free snacking high right now like you wouldn't believe! I talked about this at group today and everyone was so happy for me, which just made me feel even better.

I wasn't feeling like I had already eaten too much when it was dinner time. I steamed some cauliflower, spinach, and mushrooms. Then I put them in a ramekin, topped them with tomato sauce and cheese, and shoved it in the over. Pizza veggie-bake! Delish. On the side, I had some grilled tofu and a slice of toast with PB. I had more PB because I could and was craving it.

I haven't counted cals at all since my snacks this afternoon. It's so liberating, why did I do it in the first place? And wow, I never realized how much brain space it takes up! I'm feeling a small tinge of guilt now, which I suppose is expected them first time. I think I just need to practice this more and it will get easier. And also maybe one person to tell me that I'm doing to right thing.

Good night!

Breaking news!

Okay guys, I'm so proud of myself. I've been practicing Wii sports tennis since Christmas almost every day. And I'm happy to say that today, I reached pro level! Chicka chicka yeah! 1021, mmmhmm. Now I feel really lame because the rest of you are posting about how you just ran eight miles.

In other news, did you know that Santogold changed her name to Santigold? Aparently some jeweler called Santo Gold threatened to sue her if she didn't change her name. I'm sad because Santogold has a much nicer ring to it than Santigold.

My bowl of oats this morning was topped with the last of my freeze dried acai-bananas, blueberries, and dark chocolate chips. Yummers. Must buy more freeze dried nanners.

As usual I have no picture of AM snack. For lunch, I had the usual PB sammich, a minneola, a TLC bar, and Stonyfield Farms "people's choice" pomegrate berry yogurt. There was some online voting a couple months ago for a new yogurt flavor. I voted for one of the whole milk flavors but obviously more people voted for non-fat. This was nice, I liked that the fruit was mixed in rather than clumped at the bottom.

I was hungryhungryhungry after school today, which means I had popcorn! I topped it with cinnamon and had a bowl of plain yogurt w/ bluebs for some purple.
I also had a multi grain rice cake with a tbs better N PB and applesauce. Much better than plain! I don't know why I'm holding it so awkwardly in the pic.

My dad was working late again tonight, which means that me, my mom, and my sister had to have breakfast for dinner! We made gingerbread pancakes using a Hogdston Mills mix. I had one topped with maple syrup, one with a bananarama, and one that I added applesauce to after the pic. Pancake day was yesterday but they still tasted delicious today!
While sitting down to blog I had a string cheese, that I'm counting as the protein part of my dinner.

This picture is actually from last night's snack but I'm going to have it again tonight. It's Stoneyfield Farms cookies n dream (full fat!) ice cream. It's soooo yummy! I don't like plain chocolate ice cream but adding chunks of chocolate cookies to vanilla is amazing.

I've noticed a couple of bloggers saying how they've been hungrier than usual lately, and I have been too. I don't know if it's because my metabolism has sped up, because I haven't weighed myself recently and don't know if I've lost weight. It could also be because I'm lacking in fat/protein/fiber/something else and don't feel full as much as I should. But in any case, I've been having a really difficult time honoring my hunger. When I start to feel hungry, I usually just drink water or have a stick of gum to kill it off for a bit. Either that, or I have a bite of fruit. So, I've basically been sitting with my hunger, allowing it to distract me from my schoolwork, cello, studying, etc. I know this is ridiculous and irrational but I'm still so afraid that if I go over my set calorie limit, I'm going to gain weight. I don't know what to do! I want to give my body all the food it needs, but I can't convince myself that a couple extra calories on normal days (like when I'm not going out to eat) won't add up and make me gain. Arrrrrg advice would be much appreciated.

Now I'm off to... I don't know. I might watch some crappy TV with my mom. Night!

I hate word verification!!!

Ack, I hope this problem with word verification gets fixed soon! I've only been able to comment on about three Blogger blogs today because whenever I click publish, a window pops up that says "loading" but never does load, which keeps my comment from getting published.

Breakfast featured a simple but delicious combination of oats topped with half a banana (didn't have time to micro it!), bluebs, and dark chocolate chips.

No picture of my almond-y AM snack as it was scarfed down in the locker room. For lunch, I tried a peach passion down under Wallaby yogurt. Yay, another score for Wallaby! Usually I don't like fruit on the bottom yogurt too much because the "fruit" is actually more like overly sweet syrup. This was nice though because the peaches weren't sweetened and they were in chunks so the yogurt had nice texture.

For my after school snack, I had a bowl of natural popcorn, and plain yogurt w/ half a banana and blueberries. I also had two spoonfuls of Better N' Peanut Butter. This has been sitting in my pantry since last May or so, when I was still restricting. I never got around to eating it because first, it was too high carb for me to eat. Then, I started gaining weight and it became too low cal! But I've been seeing it pop up on a bunch of blogs lately so I figured I'd try it. It was good. But sure didn't taste like PB! More like PB mixed with jelly, or coffee. I think I may have to eat it in ways other than straight up on the spoon.

Dinner had to be eaten in the car between cello and therapy. I had a block of silken tofu going bad in the fridge and was craving quinoa. So I cooked up 1/4 c quinoa and meanwhile made a quarter of CCV's quiche soup. When the quinoa was cooked, I tossed it with some EVOO, 1/2 c cauliflower and a bit of green pepper. Then I mixed the quinoa with the quiche soup to create... Cheezy Cauliflower Quinoa! Vegans- aren't you proud of me?? A meal without eggs or dairy! And it tasted good.
On the side I had PB puffins and an unpictured nanner.

As previously mentioned, I went to my cello lesson today. It was lovely because I played suite 1 from Bach's unaccompanied cello and that's one of my favorite pieces eva! Then I went to therapy and it was good, because I actually felt like talking to my therapist for once. I didn't mention this before because I didn't want to jinx anything, but my group therapist and individual therapist had been discussing cutting down on my individual. I told my group therapist that I felt pressured to say things that weren't true in individual, and that I had made much more progress on my own and with the group than with my therapist. So my therapist and group leader talked, and decided that I can cut individual down to every other week now! I'm so happy, this is the first "reward" I've gotten for making so much progress on my own.

Also. The girl in my orchestra who I was talking to about stupid cleanse diets wore purple tops and shoes yesterday and today. I don't know if she likes purple, or if she's aware that it's NEDAW! I'll try to get up the nerve to ask her if she's wearing purple again tomorrow.

Nighty night, lovelies!

Give me my Larabar!

Okay, so I had one of the worst dreams I've ever had last night! I was in gym class, and my stupid teacher was making us do math equations in class. It was ridiculous- we were in our gym uniforms and all and he was making us do math worksheets! So I decided to be rebellious and not do my math equation. I was putting my (apple pie, favorite!) Larabar up to my mouth to eat it and my gym teacher swooped out of nowhere and took it from me! He got really angry and started yelling at how I didn't have any special privileges and had to do double math problems now. It was very realistic, but thank goodness it didn't really happen!

Anyhow. Among other things for brekky I had a bowl of oats topped with applesauce, candied ginger, and a crumbled graham cracker. One of my favorite combos.

No pic of AM snack. Lunch was a chocolate banana PB sammich, cauliflower, a Rachel's yogurt, and a Nature's Path hemp granola bar.
My friends were not accepting of my switch from carrots to cauliflower. One of my idiotic guy friends sniffed it and declared "It smells like vegetables!" Rachel's yogurt is my favorite but I had never tried the pomegranate acai flavor before today. It was very good, but I'm depressed because they discontinued Rachel's at my supermarket to sell stupid freaking coconut milk yogurt. Gr gr gr. And the hemp bar was excellent too, nice and chewy with big chunks of dried fruit!

Before I left for ballet today, I had a string cheese and a minneola, which according to my grandma the botanist, is part of the tangerine family. Then after ballet, I had a Zbar and a string cheese. Yes, that is two string cheesay easays. I need all the protein for maintaining my super strong muscles!

Ballet went okay. I was sort of beating myself up over my appearance but I had to stop because my muscles hurt so badly! I hate ronde de jambe en lair. It seems that every other class I feel okay about my body, and the other classes I hate myself. When does it end?

For dinnah, we made quiche cups again. This time we used more mushrooms and less peppers. On the side, I had the rest of the veggie filling that was leftover and two slices of french bread. I've had a ton of protein today but whatevs. Aw crud I just said whatevs! I have sunk down to the level of an eleven year old, lip gloss-wearing, Hannah Montana-watching teeny bopper.

My grandma the botanist is also a crocheter/knitter. She wrapped a vase she sent my mom for her birthday in a pretty orange shawl-y thing. My mom didn't want it so I claimed it for my own! Yay, orange!
I was attempting to look elegant in this but I look confused and cold because I had just walked home from school. Failure. Ignore the toilet paper roll in the backgroud. And the trashcan.

Today in orchestra in school I was talking with another cellist in my section. We have a weird friendship, we like to torture eachother verbally. It sounds awful and strange but this girl is one of my best friends! Anyway, we were having an argument today, I forget what it was about. But it ended with her saying "HAHA, but then I'll snap your twiggy legs!" See what I mean? I'm used to it though. But her comment really smacked something into perspective. ED tells me that my legs are fat and blobby almost every day. Yet today, one of my best friends who I trust with everything, called them twigs. ED distorted my vision so much that I couldn't see the thing that's clear to every other person. From this I infer that ED is a meanie lying manipulative jerk and should not be trusted at all. So haha, I win.

Also, the stupid word verification thing on Blogger won't let me post comments for a lot of people. If any of you have the type of layout where comments get posted at the bottom of each post and a little window for word verification pops up when you click publish, then I can't comment on your blog. I really really want to though, so hopefully this gets fixed soon! Yesterday I noticed comments from Cortni and Pammy, and I just want to say how much I appreciate your comments. It makes me feel so happy to know that new people have found my blog and enjoy reading it! I can't comment back though until word verification gets fixed.

Now I'm going to go cry because there is no new Gossip Girl tonight. I have to actually do my research now!

Hangry Pants is hosting a granola giveaway. Don't forget to enter!

Confessions of a grocery shop-a-holic

Evening, chicas! I'm feeling much better than I was yesterday. I wonder if there will always be days like yesterday for me, where I wake up hating myself, food, and my body. I wonder if I'll ever be able to be comfortable with who I am, and not have my mood revolve around something as pointless as losing weight and being skinny.

For breakfast, I had some leftover aebleskiver dipped in applesauce. Still yummy, even after sitting in the fridge overnight!
I also had an apple with cheese, then pumpkin pie oats! I added 1 crumbled whole grain graham cracker, 1/4 c pumpkin, cinnamon, and dark choco chips on top of my oats. One of my favorites.

No picture of my AM snack, because it was almonds. It's almost always almonds, which is why I never bother to take a picture! For lunch I was craving peanut butter like mad. Since applesauce has been one of my obsessions lately, I made a grilled PB+applesauce sammich on whole wheat potato bread. Excellent, I'll have to try this combo again! I also had plain yogurt, carrots, and a TLC bar.
Okay, now don't laugh, but I'm turning orange from eating too many carrots! I think I've had carrots at least once a day for the past year and a half. When I was at the doctor's the other day, the nurse looked at my hands and said "Did you use spray tan or something? Your hands are really orange." Um no, that's the actual color of my hands.. it was quite embarassing. So today was my last day of eating carrots/pumpkin for a while. I need the orange in my hands to go away, and prevent it from spreading to the rest of my body! So if you ever see me eating carrots on here, scold me.

After lunch I went to see Confessions of a Shopaholic with my sister. I liked it, it was sort of dumb, but funny and entertaining. Then we went to WHOLE FOODS! This is where the grocery shopaholic part of my title comes into play. I could easily spend hundreds of dollars at WF, but today I just bought a few things and only spent $30! Yipee!

When I got home from the movie, I had a snack of an apple with cheese and a KLP Larabar.


For dinner, I made garlic and parmesan mashed red potatoes. I haven't had mashed taters in a really long time, and these were soo good! I can understand why Jemima named her blog after them!
On the side, I had a Quorn chicken cutlet with OO, cumin, garlic, and oregano; and some peas in the pod.
For the past few nights for my night time snack, I've been having soy delicious chocolate PB ice cream. It doesn't taste exactly like dairy ice cream, but it's still addicting!

That's all, good night darlings!

P.S. School is tomorrow. Yuck. I hope I faint again.