What now?

I'm posting two days in a row because I'll probably skip posting tomorrow. We have festival for orchestra (big competition where all the schools in the county compete) which will take up my whole afternoon. Then afterward, I'm going out to Chipotle with the orchestra kids! Eek. Going out to eat is usually pretty easy though, for some reason it feels safer than eating something my mom makes for me.

Thank you all for the support on my last post.. I never know how to express my gratitude enough. The rational side of me knows that my grades don't define me. But ED tells me that he's always right, of course I'm worthless if I'm not perfect in everything. It makes me feel so much better to have everyone enforce my healthy side, so thank you! What I learned from your comments: No one will care about a B in five years, B's are human, I tried my hardest, no one is perfect. If I keep saying those, I'll start to believe them.

I only have a picture of part of breakfast because I was lazy! I had a glass of 1% milk, an apple with PB, and applesauce & crystallized ginger oats w/ a crumbled graham cracker.

I wanted to use up the last two slices of store-bought bread in the fridge before I started eating my homemade stuff. I made a PB and cran apple butter sammich, and also had cauliflower, a Zbar, and Chobby Wob.

Snacky time. Whole wheat english muffin with CC & applesauce, an apple (because I really really like apples), and sunflower seed butter.

It was Mexican night for dinner. While the rest of the family had beef tacos, I made my own yummy veggie ones. I sauteed zucchini, tomatoes, red onion, green pepper, cumin and chili powder in olive oil. Then I put them in corn taco shells and topped them with shredded cheddar. I also had TJ's Spanish white beans. The beans were okay, didn't taste very Spanish too me. Mostly like veggie broth.


Oh and I forgot to post this yesterday. The lovely Kristina from Stonyfield Farms sent me coupons for Oikos! And a cute reusable shopping bag and coupons for normal yogurt. I'm so excited! I'll have to get my mom to take me to Whole Foods this weekend so I can try Oikos.

Today I had my cello lesson, but I didn't have therapy after, thank the lord. I don't think I talk about this much but my cello teacher is basically my therapist! She had depression as a teenager so she can relate to a lot of my fears. She also went through some disordered eating when she was in college. Anyway, she's very confident in herself now and is my mentor, and I feel way more comfortable talking to her than I do my real therapist. Tonight, I was talking to her about how in some ballet classes I'm happy with myself , and in others I hate myself and can't stand the way I look. I said that I hated the way my weight had distributed from gaining and I wished that some of the weight on my lower half would shift up. She looked at me and said "Where is that weight going to come from? There isn't any on you that can shift more. You look sick."

Usually she's not so blunt. This quote kind of makes her seem mean, but I suppose she was just tired of beating around the bush. Anyway, it was just a really really huge slap in the face. Here I was, pinching my "fat" and wishing that I hadn't let myself go past my safe weight. But now the woman I look up to most says I still look ill? Her comment totally put things into proportion for me. I trust her.. she obviously sees what damage I'm doing to my body and mind by staying here. I'm kind of scared, actually! I don't want to be sick Kiki anymore, just Kiki. Happy, healthy, Kiki. So now I've come to this conclusion. Now I don't know what to do next.

I'm going to go think for a while, I suppose. Night!

Dreary day

Buenas noches. Thanks for all the support regarding the comments I got yesterday. I'm not even really sad that L. isn't my friend anymore. She's so blase and doesn't have anything in common with me. I went to the mall with her once and we were trying on clothes. I asked if something looked good on me and she just shrugged her shoulders and texted someone else. Really. If she's not willing to work to be friends again, then fine, I'm better off without her!

I had a smaller breakfast than usual this morning. Size wise, not calorie wise I mean. I feel like if I eat calorie dense foods then I'll never be full, and I'm really scared of that. This morning I challenged myself to chocolate cafe crumble oats! T'is oats cooked in 1% milk with a spoon of vanilla creme coffee, topped with a TJ's cafe twist and dark chocolate chips. Yums. I only ever have coffee on Saturday mornings because I need it to get through a long ballet class. Otherwise I stick to tea. I was mighty jumpy after this oatmeal!
I also had a banana with PB, and it held me over perfectly. Haha, another one of ED's lies is proven to be false! I actually felt more full after eating this than I do when I eat one of my larger breakfasts.

Before I left for ballet I had almonds. Class went well, my muscles ache though. I feel like now that I'm allowed to exercise I should be doing some strength training. Not for ED's calorie burning purposes, I just want to dance as best as possible. Anyone have recommendations? Anyhow, there was barely any body checking during class today. I actually took the time to think of how much I appreciate by body for putting up with a dancer's workout. People who think ballet is a frilly sport have no idea! I know that if I was still emaciated and restricting, I wouldn't have enough energy to get through a class- I'd probably have to quit ballet in favor of keeping my disorder. Ballet is my passion though, and I would feel so empty without it. So today, I am thankful for having a healthy, strong, nourished body to help me do what truly makes me happy.

This is most definitely a repeat pic, but for lunch my mom dragged me to the mall so I was forced to eat there. I got a vegetarian bowl from Maui Tacos, which consisted of brown rice, black beans, guacamole, lettuce, and homemade salsa.

After the mall, I hit up my favorite store, Trader Joe's! My loot:
Clementines, bananas, a Z bar, garlic hummus, baked beans, Spanish white beans, whole wheat "British" muffins, Laughing Cow spreadable cheese wedges, 2 French Village yogurts, 1 pom. Greek yogurt, and high fiber fruit & nut medly cereal.

By the time I got home it was snack time. Who can guess what I had? Everyone. A british muffin with a laughing cow and applesauce, half a grapefruit, and PB. I love this snack because it's tasty, but also because I feel perfectly full after I eat it and so I don't think of food for hours on end.

Dinner featured one of my favorite grains, quinoa. I made lemon herb quinoa, and upped the OO to 2.5 tbs. I quite liked this, the lemon made it taste very fresh and all the herbs complemented eachother perfectly. I also had a Quorn cutlet cooked in olive oil and oregano and the other grapefruit half.

The weather was dreary and gray today, and I woke up with a mood to match it. I always feel at least slightly affected by ED everyday, but didn't feel triggered anymore than usual today which was nice. I'm just feeling really depressed and tired. Ballet was the highlight of my day, because dancing always makes me feel better. I was at the mall with my mom forever. She kept making me walk all around to look at random stuff, and I was already tired from ballet and didn't want to do anymore walking. I was on the verge of tears the entire time because I just wanted to go home and sleep for a really long time. By the time we did get home, I didn't want to sleep and instead opted for wallowing in my misery. That's always helpful, right? My sister wants to watch a movie with me tonight but I don't want to be around people right now. Everything is making me nervous and angry. Argg sorry for whining, I hope this is gone by tomorrow.

Goodnight, lovelies!

P.S. I finally updated my blogroll to add all the awesome blogs I've been reading lately. I tried to add all of you, but I most likely left a few bloggers out. If you don't see your blog on the list, just tell me and I'll add it!

TGIF...

Hola, mis amigas. Sorry for not posting yesterday. It was really rainy and windy (where is spring??) and my power got knocked out. Even though we have underground cables. I was sitting at the computer, typing a comment and the lights went out :[ They didn't come back on until 11 at night. So I'll probably post tomorrow night to make up for it. I am so glad it's Friday! This week seemed to stretch on forever. Probably because it's the week before the week before spring break and it always lasts forever. Sorry for not coming up with a new acronym, I'm so tired.

For breakfast among other things, I had oats topped with strawberries, dark choco chips, and HN cheerios. That seems to be the combo to turn to on school mornings.

Lunch was a PB+cran apple butter sammich, cauliflower, TJ's French Village yogurt, and a trek mix bar.

Ack! My afternoon snack was also typical. Whole wheat english muffin with mozarella (out of cottage!) cheese & applesauce, spoon of sunflower seed butter and strawberries. I seem to be in a food rut for every meal except dinner. But I honestly like what I eat..

Dinner was one of those challenge meals that I've been planning with my mom. She's trying to get my sister Allison to cook more, so Allison helped me make this. It's spaghetti pie from OK, So Now You're a Vegetarian. I don't use this cookbook much because I got it when I first went veg and was still dependent on a lot of cheese and eggs, versus fresh exotic veggie dishes. It does have some good recipes though. This was basically smart taste pasta with parmesan, then a layer of ricotta, then a layer of pasta sauce, and finally a layer of melted mozarella. So basically lasagna but with spaghetti. I had it with steamed spinach.
It was quite good! I'm okay with a sprinkle of cheese on my pasta, but having it in major amounts like this is a fear of mine. I reminded myself that non-ED people eat things much worse than this is restaurants without a second thought. I used to love things like this too. So I took a nice big slice and enjoyed every bite! Whoot!

For dessert/first part of PM snack I had a key lime pie Larabar. I like this flavor, but it never tastes like key lime pie to me. It always seems more coconut-ish? Anyway, it doesn't compare to apple pie!

Today was sort of rough for a Friday. At lunch I was sitting with my friend, L, and her best guy friend, M. L used to be my best friend, but of course once ED began I started isolating myself from everyone and we drifted apart. Now that I actually want friends again, I can't remember why I ever wanted to be L's friend in the first place. We've hung out a few times recently and we can't even keep a conversation. So actually, she's probably only my acquaintance now. She's one of the few people I've ever told about my ED, although I think most people know I have one based on how I looked last year. Anyway, M was being stupid and said "Dur hurrr how do I count calories?" I know he was just kidding, he doesn't give a crap about calories. Then L said "I dunno, ask Kiki." Then M said "Oh right, I should've known."

Infuriating! I was so upset that I got up and left the table. I've accepted that people are stupid when it comes to EDs and think they're just about counting calories and being skinny. I realize that they don't know when a comment like that could be triggering or hurtful. What bothers me is that I'm still thought of as the anorexic girl. When will I stop being seen as the calorie-counting one, and start being seen as Kiki? This. Ends. Now. I am so sick of being defined by my disorder. First I was doing it to myself, telling myself that I wasn't worth it if I didn't look "sick enough". Now I realize that people have been doing it to me for a year. I am finally starting to see who I am without my ED, and I'm ready for everyone else to see it too. From now on, I will not place my self-worth on what size I wear, what my BMI is, or how skinny I look. That's not how I want other people to see me, so I shouldn't see myself that way.

Mkayy now I'm going to go curl up with a nice cuppa' tea. Make sure to check out the Pure Bar Giveaway on Carrot 'n' Cake. Good night!

Lovely weekend!

Evening, blogland. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend! Mine went pretty well. Yesterday I had ballet, which went pretty well. No cruddy body-checking, it was just a really physically challenging class. Then afterward I went to Trader Joe's and got lots of yummies. Then to TJMaxx. I sadly didn't buy anything because everything there is either too flashy or too big. I also went to World Market, which is going out of business. It was one of my favorite places to shop because I could get cool international food and clothes there. The shelves were full a month ago, but this is how it looks now:
Darn this economy.

I pretty much just spent the day at home today, doing homework and practicing my music. I did go out grocery shopping though. I feel guilty because my goal for group this week was to socialize this weekend.. but obviously that didn't happen. On the bright side, ED didn't bother me at all!

Yesterday morning I made applesauce Cheerio muffins! I almost cried tears of joy when I found this recipe, because of my infatuation with Cheerios. I used honey nut, of course, and half white wheat flour. They were very fluffy and moist. But the Cheerios disappeared! This always seems to happen when you put cereal in baked goods. There was a nice touch of honey flavor.

And this morning I tried Morgan's yogurt oats. I used 1/3 c plain yogurt and 2/3 c water and they turned out so creamy and 'licious! I topped them with a chopped apple, brown sugar, cinnamon, and a graham cracker. I had other stuff too but this was the only picture I took.

I wasn't too hungry for my AM snack so I had gingerbread tea with milk and two Trader Joe's french twists for dipping. I saw these on Brooke's blog and picked them up yesterday. Her description was spot on, they were like flaky, crispy, cinnamon croissant puffs! Hard to believe that they're butter free.

Lunchikins was a sammich with dill hummus, veggie cream cheese and SPROUTS (my love!). Also plain yogurt with orange marmalade, cauliflower, and a Trek Mix bar.

Snack was popcorn with dark chocolate chips, a nanner, and almonds.

I will talk about dinner from last night because it was special. My mom has been helping me plan our weekly menus now and she suggested that we make one of my sister's favorite foods, mac and cheese. My mom picked this recipe, using long noodles (ACK what are they called??) and it was so good. Cheese exploded from every bite. Had it along with a salad.
It was a challenge to eat something so "decadent" as mac & chese, especially when I didn't pick the recipe. Stupid, but it's also more of a challenge for me to eat short pasta v. spaghetti, because I feel like it's less filling. Anyhow, I only felt a tad bit guilty but it slowly faded as I kept eating all of that cheesy goodness! I figured that every other not E.D.ed person lets themself indulge every once in a while without feeling guilty. It's totally healthy, and I can't expect to ever beat ED if I stick to safe, healthy foods all the time.

I'll talk about tonight's dinner some other time, because it was superb also. Now I need help with something totally non-ED related (I think). There's this boy in my Spanish class who I kind of tutored and helped him get an A for the quarter. Spanish is my best subject so I didn't mind helping this kid (who will be called B.) But now he won't leave me alone! He found me on Facebook, which I only use for outside of school friends. I ignored his FR, but at school, he keeps insisting on doing something to "repay" me for helping him. First he offered a card, then money, then walking me home from school. After I turned down all B.'s offers he passed me a note that says I'm a great friend and we should hang out and gave me his number so I can call him if I "ever want to talk". I DON'T WANT TO CALL HIM! I don't want him to like me, I don't even want to be his friend! He's an okay kid to talk to every once in a while, but I don't want to get close to him because a) We have no common interests. b) He has a girlish personality. My best guy friend is my best guy friend because he's a good listener. I can vent to him without him bringing up his own problem. B. does exactly the opposite. I have enough girlfriends to worry about, I don't need another! c) He kind of reminds me of a beaver.


Wow that was a really long rant. I am dreading class tomorrow because I know he's going to try to talk to me again. I don't know how to tell him to leave me alone without being rude. Crud. Maybe I can get a schedule change?

Don't forget to enter the Mixmygranola giveaway at An Apple a Day!

Try to enjoy your Mondays tomorrow, if that's even possible!

Oh yes, and the lovely miss Emily passed me this award:
Thanks love! I pass it on to Debbie, Kailey, Jess, Laci, Jemima, Brooke, and Stef. Here are the rules: 1) Add the logo of the award to your blog 2) Add a link to the person who awarded it to you 3) Nominate at least 7 other blogs 4) Add links to those blogs on your blog 5) Leave a message for your nominees on their blogs.

Night!

Breakfast for dinner

Heyyy lovelies. Sorry for not posting yesterday. I don't want to go into specifics but let's just say that some old overexercising habits got the best of me. I was not in the right state for blogging. Feeling better for the most part today.

I woke up earlier than normal this morning (accidentally) so I had extra time to make breakfast! I'm back to my big breakfasts for a couple days because I'm still afraid of getting hungry at school. I'll try to challenge myself more this weekend, though. This morning among other things I had blueberry cashew coconut oats! We've had a bottle of TJ"s 100% juice sparkling blueberry juice sitting in our pantry since Christmas and my parents cracked the bottle open just recently. So I cooked my oats in 1/2 c of that, and topped it with chopped cashews and flaked coconut. Mm mm mmmm.

This picture is from yesterday but it's exactly what I had today, but an apple instead of the pickle/ razzies. T'is a grilled whole wheat wrap filled with dill hummus, cream cheese, lettuce, cauliflower, carrots, and sundried tomatoes. So much better than a PB sandwich! Plus a kiwi lime passionfruit Rachel's (3rd favorite flavor) and a Zbar.

Before ballet, I had an apple with cheese. Afterward I had a cashew acai protect Think Fruit bar.
I quite liked this bar. I can't say that it had a strong berry taste though, the sweetness of the dates overpowered the acai I think. But, it did have really big chunks of cashews, which I love. And it was denser and less sticky than Larabars, which makes for optimum bar-breakage. I think I'll buy this again just because of the texture!

Ballet went badly again, along the lines as it did on Saturday. I feel so certain that this intuitive eating has made me gain masses of weight! I know that this is stupid and irrational and that I'm doing the right thing for my body, but I honestly don't care. I swear that every time I walk into that studio I look bigger. I can't even dance well because I feel like this new weight is just weighing me down. When I was twenty pounds lighter I could dance a lot more easily. I'm sorry for being so negative in all my recent posts! ED could be making me imagine all of this but he sure is good at making me believe it.

My dad was working late for dinner which means that me, my mom, and my sister had to have breakfast! We made orange french toast. I loved it, it reminded me of creamsicles! We only had crappy "lite butter" maple syrup, which I don't go for. So I topped my french toast with applesauce and a shmear of PB. Nom.

I also had a lot of this delicious fruit salad, made of strawberries, banana, grapes, canteloupe (which I avoided because it is vile!) and pinapple.

And for dessert I had a Thin Mint. At first I wasn't going to have any Girl Scout cookies because they have trans fat in them, but less than .5 g because it doesn't show on the label. Any food with trans fat is a major fear food for me. I convinced myself to have one because these only come once a year, and my dietitian/the girls in my group always tell me that there is no one food or ingredient that can make me fat. It was.. good. But not great.

Love you all lots! I'm off to do some HW and then watch GOSSIP GIRL!!! It's been too long... night!

Applesauce!

I think that the blogging world is influencing my dreams! In my dream last night, I was over at my friend's house and she was mixing what appeared to be muffin batter in a bowl. I called her Erin, which is not her name, and asked what she was doing. Then she said "I'm making applesauce, of course!" I think I had this dream because Erin was talking about making homemade applesauce a little while ago lol. Applesauce is good (esp. if it looks like batter) so this was a nice dream!

Woke up on time today! Breakfast was rather boring because I don't have much time to make it on school mornings. But among other things, I had a bowl of oats topped with 1/4 chopped apple, honey nut Cheerios, and PB. Simple but scrum.

Someday, I will actually have a pic of my AM snack. For luncheroonis I had the usuallllll but sunflower seed butter instead of PB on my sammich. And Chobby Wob :]

I had group therapy today. Before I left I had an apple with cheese.
When I got home, I was hungryhungry so I had popcorn and pecan-walnut butter. I think it's amusing how before I started eating outside the lines, I only ate nut butters once a day but now I eat it at least three times..

For dinner we made a sort of southwestern-ish frittata. It consisted of 3/4 c cooked hash brown 'taters, 5 eggs, 2 tbs milk, 1/2 c cheddar cheese and 1/2 c jack cheese. Broiled for 4 minutes to cheesy, melty perfection! On the side I had kale chips and french bread.

I actually had this as a snack last night but I plan on having it again tonight because it's so yummy! It's "tart honey" froyo, made by Dreyers, topped with half a mashed micro'd nanner. This was inspired by the lovely Emily, froyo queen! You all should def. try this froyo. The honey isn't as overwhelming as it is in Haagen Dazs froyo, it's more honey swirled.

So group therapy today went well. I've said it before, but group therapy is much more helpful to me than individual. I feel like I'm just getting feedback from my friends, rather than being forced to tell my problems to a therapist I have no connection with. Anyway, for the last few days I've been feeling guiltier and guiltier. Not about the food though. Say I eat some milk chocolate (haven't actually, just an example). It's a big challenge food, but I'm fine with actually eating it. I don't start to feel guilty until a little while later, when ED starts telling me that I'm fat for not wanting to restrict after eating a fear food. So I feel guilty for not feeling guilty! So irrational! I talked about it in group today and it made me feel a lot better. The oldest girl in the group is, in my opinion, about 90% recovered so I really look up to her. She reassured me that this is normal in recovery and it'll all start to go away once I become more confident in myself, rather than my disorder.

That's is, pretty short post tonight. Good night!

Make sure you all enter the Purebar giveaway contest on An Apple a Day! Yummmm Purebars.

Late start

Ello poppets. Hope you're all had a nice Wednesday! I really felt like it was Friday and I almost cried when my friend told me that we still had two more days to go. I need to add something amusing to my weeks, they just drag on forever!

This morning I woke up approximately 15 minutes before I actually needed to leave for school. Stupid alarm clock didn't go off. So I got dressed and did my hair (read: ponytail) and practically ran downstairs to have breakfast! I remember that whenever I used to run late I would skip breakfast over doing my hair or something. But now I know that I can't get through my mornings without some foodie in mah bellay so I made time to eat breakfast. While getting my things ready, I wolfed down una manzana con queso and a Zbar.

In the car, I had an unpictured PB sammich. I wish that I could've made an egg or something for more protein but I had no time. This make-shift breakfast held me over pretty well.

Then AM snack was usual. As was lunch, but I have a picture anyway. T'is a sunflower seed butter sammich, cauliflower, Wallaby peach down under yogurt, and another Zbar. Heehh.

My afternoon snack consisted of cottage cheese + applesauce on an english muffin, PB, and a Zico coconut water. Every time I saw another blogger with this I would go "Where did you find that? I've been looking everywhere and I can't find it!" But then I looked in the juice aisle of Whole Foods and it was there. Duurrr. It was really good! Very refreshing and "clean" tasting, and not rich like coconut milk is. I'll definitely buy it again.

And din dins was 2 slices of whole foods 4-cheese pizza. It was nummikins, I like when I can detect different kinds of cheese besides mozzarella. On the side, I had a salad made of kale/iceberg, strawberries, feta, kalamata olives, and OO & vinegar. I love strawberries and feta! Raw kale is rather strange though.

Oh wait one more peekture. This is totally a recylced pic but on the way to orchestra I had toast with sunflower seed butter and HN Cheerios. My mom said "Why do you eat so much?" and it didn't bother me!

Like I mentioned above, my orchestra started again tonight. The first season was from sept.-december and we had a really long break so some kids could play in the all county/ all state orchestras. Tonight was the first rehearsal of our second season. It went well, we got some decent music but nothing too memorable. I actually talked to a new girl, which is very rare because I'm awful at socializing. And she didn't run away like I always think people will! I was also talking to one of my friends that I met in the younger orchestra last year. She was kind of poking fun at me because I turn pink really easily when I laugh or get nervous. It's so embarrasing! But anyway, she said "At least it's better than the gray color you were last year." I've never told her about my ED, but I think it would be hard to not notice how emaciated I looked. My usual excuse whenever people bring up how I looked last year is something along the lines of I did ballet four times a week, that's why I always looked so exhausted and sidetracked. I recited that again tonight and my friend said "Oh, so is that why you were so skinny?" This made me really uncomfortable. I just said yes, because I don't feel comfortable telling people I'm not close with about my ED. Of course, it made me happy to hear that all my hard work I put into losing weight paid off. But now I'm dismissing those thoughts.

On the car ride home I started to think about how far I've come since last year. I was still sitting in orchestra one night a week. Last year, I sat shivering in the back row, hidden underneath my baggy sweater. Instead of focusing on the music, I was thinking "How am I going to burn off those 27 calories without Mom noticing?" or "How much of my dinner did I scrape into my napkin?" This year, when I'm playing, food is the last of my worries. I can actually concentrate on the music, and OH, I can laugh now! Even if I'm laughing at myself for getting hopelessly lost in the music, I can laugh. And it feels really nice.

Sorry for not doing much commenting tonight, I have to type up a works cited thingy. Night!

Post #100

So this is very strange. Back when I made my blog, I thought it would be a sort of an experimental thing where I could post my new recipes/ food finds when I felt like it. I had no idea that blogging would become such a huge part of my life! From comparing my first couple entries to the ones I've made recently, I can clearly see what a enormously positive effect blogging has had on my recovery. I've gone from having smallish, perfectly measured and portioned meals, to eating what and how much food I want, whenever I feel hungry. Also I can tell that blogging has really let my personality come out again. When I first started blogging I still wasn't completely aware of the fact that I could be my own person, not just an isolated ED-zombie. But I've slowly figured out what makes me me, and I really enjoy posting it on here! I'm sure that I never could've gotten to 100 posts if it wasn't for all the support, reassurance, advice, and laughs that you have all given me. So thank you!

For breakfast this morning I had an apple with cheese and another Puffin muffin. They have a slightly more pronounced PB flavor when they're room temperature.

I also had a bowl of coconut blueberry chai oats! I cooked my oatmeal in coconut thai chai tea, and topped it with plain yogurt, bluebs, and flaked coconut. Yummers.

For lunch, I made Fay's signature carrot & PB sammich, but used sunflower seed butter instead of PB. T'was delish. I also had a Voskos yogurt, trek mix bar, and a minneola.

I'm not feeling as starving as I was yesterday today, but I'm still pretty hungry today. Throughout the day I snacked on many handfuls of honey nut cheerios and a bit of dark chocolate. For my official snack, I had CC+applesauce on an english muffin. I had a spoon on sunflower seed butter on the side. When I first tried SSB I was like hmm, this is weird, how will I finish the jar? But it's growing on me and I really want some right now..

For dinnah I made broiled polenta with mushrooms and cheese. Omgz, so good! I didn't have porcini so I just used more regular shrooms. I like how mushrooms get all chewy when you cook them. On the side I had a big hunk of french bread and steamed spinach.

The thing I wanted to talk about yesterday is jeans. Jeans are scary for me because during the worse of my ED, I had several pairs of jeans that hung off of my bony frame, even with a belt. Even though I've gained weight, these couple pairs of jeans still fit me because they were so loose on me while I was restricting. But this past week, one pair ripped and another had a button fall off from too much wearing, I suppose. My mom told me that she would buy me a new pair or two. So yesterday after lunch, we went jeans shopping. I was emotionally attatched to the jeans that fell apart. Even though they weren't ED's ideal size, I still felt skinny enough wearing them because they were the jeans I wore when I had a really low BMI. So, I was really nervous to buy a new pair because I didn't want to have to see the size that ED equates with failure.

I ended up buying a size that I'm okay with. I was talking with Fay and told her that I thought it was because the store I bought them from was making their sizes larger. Fay then proceeded to knock some sense into my brain by telling me that no, it was not the store making their clothes bigger. It was me being small enough to fit the stupid things! I mean, just yesterday I said I noticed in ballet how skinny I looked. I wore the jeans today and gave myself a good look in the mirror. They are too loose. Obviously this makes ED very happy because it means that I'm getting "the attention I deserve" for being sick enough. But then I thought that loose jeans are not attractive on me. I have no butt, and who really likes that besides ED? What are the advantages to staying skinny enough to make these jeans hang off of me? None. My body won't be able to support children. I'll be too tired for ballet. I'll be too tired for cello. I'll spend my day thinking of ways to stay small enough to fit the jeans. I'll isolate myself again.

Conclusion: I have absoulutely no reason to base my self worth and mood on a pair of jeans. It may make me feel nice now to have loose jeans, but in the long run, it'll bring about many problems and I'll regret it.

Whew. All done. I'm crossing my fingers for a snow day tomorrow! It's supposed to start snowing around midnight and continue through til morning, accumulating 3-6 inches. Woopee! Good night, all!

Talented gorillas ingest figs

The gorillas are talented because I'm pretty sure that there are no figs to be found in tropical forests, so they must have been produced by magic!

Thank you all for the tremendous amount of support you gave me on my post yesterday! Starting intuitive eating and quitting calorie counting has been the biggest ED-bashing step I've taken so far, and it means the world to me to have people encouraging my positivity and reassuring me. And I'm glad you all liked my diary entry, it was sort of a challenge to post something so personal.

Oh and I got a comment from an anonymous commenter asking how I quit binging last year. The answer is that I quit binging as by starting restricting. I was always used to being kind of small and so I was really upset over the decent amount of weight I had gained from my binges. So that's when my restrictive diet began, and before I knew it I was only eating a tiny amount of food and couldn't convince myself to start eating more. You know how it goes. So, I'm sorry that I don't have any advice for combating binging, but don't try restricting instead! Bad idea!

Today has been rather difficult. I've been really energetic and positive all day today, probably due to all the extra food yesterday. But I've also been so amazingly hungry! I feel hungrier than I think I ever have in my life. It's killing me, because while I've been honoring my hunger and eating what I'm craving, ED is telling me that I'm eating a ridiculous amount of food and I'm going to binge and gain a bunch of weight again. Today in between meals and snacks, I've had an apple with cheese, lots of handfuls of assorted cereals, PB, dark chocolate, and walnuts. I just finished dinner and I'm still hungry. I'm scared, what's wrong with me? Is it possible for your metabolism to speed up a lot after just one day of eating more than usual? I'd really like to believe that, because ED is freaking out right now by telling me that all this intuitive eating is going to make me blow up overnight. I'd really appreciate some insight on this.

For my usual bowl of oatmeal today, I was in sort of a rush and just threw on some random toppings. They ended up being a crumbled graham cracker, bluebs, and dark chocolate chips.

Snack was almonds, of course. We had a half-day at school today so the teachers could work on our interims. I came home and made myself a grilled pesto, spinach and mashed black bean sammich. It was delish. I also had a minneola, NP granola bar, and a Stoneyfield Farm strawberry yogurt.

Fay suggested that I curl up in a pillow nest with a mug of hot chocolate to watch one of my favorite movies. That's exactly what I did, and I'm so glad I did! It provided some much needed relaxation. Bonus points to whoever can guess the movie!
I used ghiradelli dark chocolate hot cocoa mix, made with milk. Liquid calories have progressively become more and more of a fear food since I quit drinking Boost. So I challenged ED today and had the cocoa (topped with whipped cream!) and it was amazing. I also had popcorn, because what's a movie without popcorn?

Tonight for dinner, I made cheese grits souffle. Whenever my mom sees me looking at recipes she starts going blah blah blah, grits blah blah blah yummy blah blah. I think she's mentioned them enough so I finally made some! Grits aren't really a Maryland thing but oh well. This was pretty good, but it didn't rise properly. It reminded me of polenta so obviously I had to like it haha.
I had seconds... and also a salad made with lettuce/spinach, black beans, carrots (I know I know!!), and papaya poppyseed dressing.

If you haven't already, make sure you enter Katie's Jocalat bar giveaway! I make CCV's recipes all the time, but for the sake of getting three extra entries I'll show you a pic tonight :] I made vegan yogurt, using 1/2 a banana and 1 tbs cocoa powder. It's not overly sweet, but I'm a fan of raw cocoa so it works for me! Here it is, in it's tupperwared glory

That's all for now! Good night, sleep tight!