Friday, February 13, 2009

Telepathic Girlscouts Idolize Fergie

Evening, blog land. Today I went to school for a whopping two hours! I lost my voice right before I was supposed to present my project and called me dad to come get me. I might as well have just stayed at home anyway because I didn't even get called on to present. I'm feeling better now (as in, I don't want to pass out) after taking a two hour nap, but I still have a killer headache and sore throat. Perfect for valentines day, hm?

Among other things for breakfast I made oats topped with applesauce, 3 pieces of chopped candied ginger, and the dregs of my box of graham crackers. Note to self: buy more graham crackers.

Unpictured almonds for AM snack. For lunch, I considered just eating the sandwich I had packed for school but decided that I wanted something warmer. So, I made polenta. I topped it with steamed tofu, corn, and spinach and a bit of nooch. Yummy. I had it with carrots, a Voskos blueberry greek yogurt, and a Kashi bar.
I was so excited to find the yogurt at Whole Foods! They'd never had this brand before. I really wanted to try the fig kind that I saw on Megan's blog, but they only had blueberry, honey, and vanilla I think. I really liked it. It wasn't as sweet as most fruit on the bottom yogurts, and plus it had a really rich thick texture.

My afternoon snack was a bowl of PB puffins, raisins, and the last of my almonds. Arg I'm running out of all my favorite foods!

For dinner, me and my sister made veggie quiche cups. To do this, we sauteed 1/2 a chopped onion, 1 chopped red bell pepper, 1 small tomato, and 1/2 c chopped mushrooms. Then whisked together 8 eggs and 1/2 c mozarella cheese. We spooned the veggies into 12 greased muffin tins and filled them halfway with the egg mixture. Then baked at 350* for 20 minutes.
They were pretty good, but need more spice. I ate some of the leftover veggie filling with a handful of spinach and a slice of WW toast along with it.

Today I had to go see my ED doctor. I don't like her very much, partially because what she says to me makes no sense! A normal conversation with her goes like this: "Oh yes hello Kiki dear. I like that shirt, such a lovely.. mmm. Yes." I'm not sure how she wrote three books. Most of my visit was positive today. She showed me how much my bloodwork has improved, especially in the white blood cell and cholesterol areas. And plus, I've grown 3/4 inch since August! I'm 5' 8.25" now, yay!

The negative part came when she weighed me. I hate being weighed because for the longest time, how much I weighed dictated my mood for the day. If I'd gained or maintained weight, I was a failure. I haven't weighed myself in months because it's not healthy for me to beat myself up over a number. So the doctor weighed me on one of those special doctors' scales with the slide-y thing on it. The bottom slide goes by intervals of 50, and when I was at my lowest weight the bottom slide needed to be set at 50 because I was under 100 lbs. Today the scale was set at 50 lbs when I stepped on it, but my doctor changed it to 100 because I'm at a healthy weight now. This really upset me, I started panicking inside about how I'd let my weight get so out of control, I needed to lose weight again to get the bottom slide back at 50. I know this is irrational and stupid, I know I'd be a walking skeleton again, especially since I'm so tall. Eating has been difficult since I got back from my appointment though, and I can't convince myself that I'm doing the right thing by feeding myself. Ahh. Someone give me a slap in the face?

That's a wrap! Hope you all enjoy your Valentines day!


Jess :) said...

Love the title! I posted some pics of my bag on my blog :) Thanks for tagging me! Great looking foods girlie! Sorry about the good and bad appointment. Don't listen to the ED voice! You are so much stronger than that, ok? You are much healthier and happier right? I hope you can put the weight number behind you and focus on how far you have come! I am so proud of you, no matter how your apt. went. Have a great night!
<3 jess :)

Anonymous said...

Your titles are so funny!

Now I want some polenta, yours looks so creamy and nooch on top is the best!

Figs AND PB Puffins?!?!?! I NEED TO TRY THIS!

I'm so freakin jealous that you grew taller!!! I've always wanted to be taller and that's one of my main motivations to eat more.

emily. said...

Wow, you're so lucky that you've gotten taller! I haven't grown in a year. :( I think it's all those amazing foods you eat! <3

Hope you get better, very soon!

Anonymous said...

you can beat that stupid ED! You're really tall so it's really dangerous to be under 100. well you already know that but just letting you know that "number" cannot dictate you.

That "number" doesn't make who you are. and remember, you're a BEAUTIFUL, KIND, CARING, and WONDERFUL person. YOU come from inside and not that stupid f***** "number".

sorry for my awful language but I just wanted to describe how awful that ED is.

keep your head up girl
and keep strong! you can do it =]

Sharon said...

You're doing so great Kiki! Hang in there, and stay strong.

Breaking Free said...

Kiki, I know that if it had been me freaking out you would have given me some really encouraging and supportive advice. So I am going to do the same.

Where you are at right now is a good thing. You are healthy, your body is functioning normally and you are not at risk for a heart failure or kidney damage or even death. Best of all you aren't suffering from being FREEZING COLD all of the time.

You must know that ED lies!!! He lied when he told you that you were fat in the beginning and he is flat out lying to you now! He even lied to me by telling me that I was too fat when really I didn't want to go backwards and lose all of the progress that I have made. And now look at me. Stuck again.

I know that you have heard this probably a thousand times and it is the most reverberated phrase in the blogging community, but the sacle is just a number. If it represents anything it represents your power and strength that you have over your eating disorder. And also the fact that your ED no longer has control over your life and your freedom.

With your eating disorder you can't do anything! Without it, you can pretty much conquer the world!
Much love girl, and stay in the fight!

Sora said...

I've been reading your blog pretty regularly, but I'm crap at commenting. But I've come out of lurkdom.

You are stronger than your ED. He doesn't control you -- clearly, you've managed to make so much progress. Yes, it's scary when the weight comes back, and yes, it feels like failfailfail. But that isn't you, and that isn't the wonderful, beautiful, perfect person that you are and always have been. This is a victory, these pounds you have. You need them, and they do nothing but make you beautiful, keep you healthy, keep you whole.

ED is lying, and you are strong enough to shut him up, to push him away. You don't need ED anymore. You prove that every day with all the wonderful things you do.

Brooke said...

first off - i love your oatmeal, polenta, afternoon snack and quiche! fantastical eats today :D

in regards to the doctor visit - you are not alone. i have high anxiety when it comes to the scales. i know that it is hard to feel happy about your new body change - but 5 years from now you will be so thankful and happy because this is a positive! your body cannot function or survive being the weight you were once at. you are so smart and im so inspired by your progress :) never give up! you have too much going for you.

sweet dreams beautiful! i <3 you!

p.s thank you for the bag tag! i love world market too!

aussirish said...

haha girlie that title cracks me up, ur such a cutie with ur creative titles :)
great eats! sory to hear ur not feeling great though :(
yay for growing taller :)
remeber the number on the scale is no more than a meaningless a human being u need nourishment and fuel to eat!!so dont feel guilty for living!
love you

Maya said...

fantastic eats! i love polenta and your oats!
happy valentines day lovie!

nourishing mornings said...

scales are a huge struggle for me as well i am so triggered by them...the fact that you are at a healthier weight than before is a great thing and you should be super proud of your recovery and how well you are doing. think of all the things you can do now that you are healthy that you couldn't do previously your world is so much bigger and full of possibilities!
love you and i love your oats :)
happy valentines day love you!

Anonymous said...

Darling Kiki, you ARE doing the right thing by eating. I know soooo well how this feels to get to a healthier weight & then suddenly think 'crap, what have I done?!' ...but what you have done is re-gained your life. Try & think of the negatives of being really underweight & how much it impacted on so many areas of your life - physically, mentally, socially....DANCING! These are all things that will be improved with health so just keep at it my dear. One day at a time & remember that it is ok to speak about how you are feeling right now. Sometimes I think that the time after the gaining is actually the hardest part as you need to fight even harder to stop yourself re-lapsing. Hang in there!!! x

Burp and Slurp~! said...

come on, kiki, you're over 5'8 tall (and I am SO jealous by the way) so you most definitely need to be over the 100's! anything less is sickly! just keep telling yourself that you want to be at a HEALTHY weight...and know you're so much more gorgeous now than you were under the 100s!
mmm...those quiche that you made sounds exactly my kind of food! yay for eggy dinners!

Laci said...

Love the ioats, polenta and snack! The quice cups are so creative, I will def. try that with tofu!
Sorry about the nutritionist, I had similar experience, except my hieght/growth was different! Unfortuntely, I'm pretty short for my age and a "teen". You're
5' 8.25"!? You are T-A-L-L, missy! I'm jelous, I was pretty much a kid right before Pre. ED so I could have grown to be like, 5'5" (Says mrs. doctor) but I went through all that horrid starvation, dperession, etc. Anyways, congrats to you, hope myou're still groing sweetheart, keep it as a motivation! :D

Mel said...

Loving the polenta and quiche cups!

Girl, I didn't realize you were so TALL!! I'm barely over 5'6''!! haha. Seriously don't let the appointment get you down; you are DEFINITELY doing the right thing for your body by nourishing it and giving it what it needs to function. You know all this-- it's just a matter of beating ED down and choosing to live a healthy life on YOUR terms!! Don't give up babe, you're doing so great!! have a great day <3

Erin said...

baby girl!! hi my prettty valentine!

please don't get down on yourself you are SOO TALL WOMAN!
i'm 5'8.5 at 17 years and i grew an inch in the past 2 years so wow!

girl.. i know it can be frustrating just keep that head forward!

your food looks too scrumptious to pass up! polenta?!!!? c'mon girlll!

okay i gotta showerr i stinky from my massage ! :)

i love you boobala!

Anonymous said...

Happy Valentines Day!! The egg quiche is really creative!!

Anonymous said...

Polenta yummmmmm! That yogurt sounds fabulous - I may have to pick one up next time I go shopping :)

Sorry your appointment was a little rocky - just think of how healthier you are now. Keep fighting that voice, girlie!! Have a great Valentine's Day and I hope you feel better asap!

tinyirishdancer said...

Aw! Thank you so much for your comment, girlie. Happy V-day to you too. =]

Tips on adding foodage are ALWAYS welcome. Based on what I usually eat, is there anything you'd recommend? Thank you so much!

Mhmmm. Polenta is yum, no? I just had some last night. I like what you did with it - very creative!

Hope you're having a lovely day, and take care. <3

<3 Cortni said...

the veggie quiche cups look sooo good.
i've definitely have to try that.