First time in...

Evening, lovely love muffins. Speaking of muffins! I have a muffin idea in my head for this weekend. Involving one of the food blogging world's favorite products. But that's all I'm saying for now :]

The exciting part of this post comes soon, but first I'll post a pic of my oatmeal this morning. It was topped with TJ's chai tea mix and half a caramelized nanner.

And for lunch I had a PB sammich, cauliflower, Nature Valley granola bar, and a vanilla Chobby Wob.

This afternoon afterschool I was reading the lovely Mel's blog in which she talks about eating intuitively and giving yourself unconditional permission to eat what you want. I mentioned yesterday that I was having difficulty eating when I was hungry (thanks for the stellar advice, btw) so this post couldn't have come at a better time! It really struck a chord with me how Mel said "...when you deny your body what it's REALLY craving and give it something else instead, you will never be satisfied and then just end up bingeing later on what you wanted in the first place. By giving yourself what you want to begin with, with NO emotional baggage associated with the food, you cut down on the guilt, and thus cut down on the binge/restrict cycle."

I was feeling really starving today for some reason. I was sitting at the computer thinking "okay, you can have your snack at 3:30 before you leave for group. No more." But then I read Mel's post today and a lightbulb went off! I can't expect that recovery is going to come to me without any work. I won't just be able to wake up one morning and be totally in touch with my body, and give it all of and the right type of food it needs. I have to actually practice honoring my hunger consistently, so that becomes my new "normal" diet, rather than restricting what I really want to eat. This disorder has already taken so much from me, I can't let it take away anymore TIME by waiting for recovery to come.

Then I was reading through my diary from early September, 2007. I had just gotten through a couple months of binging after the event that triggered my ED. I'd already been struggling with disordered thoughts for a few years. But a very shortened version of my diary entry is: "You don't have to be skinny to be anorexic. I weight ___ lbs, so I'm not exactly a stick. A lot of guys at my school weigh more than I do. I've dropped my calorie intake to ___ cals a day. In front of my parents and friends, I have to force myself to eat. The thought of consuming anything but water disgusts me. I HATE EATING! I picture my ideal weight at ___. I pick my flaws out in the mirror every day. I swore that I would never do something like this to myself. But I can't help it. This may not seem like a serious problem now because of how much I weigh, but I think that if this goes on I might have a serious problem. I do sort of wish someone would notice I have a problem. I'm tired of being invisible. I need other people to recognize that I'm not always so rational and composed on the inside. I need to be skinny."

Little did I know that a few months later I'd be facing hospitalization for being so underweight. Anyhow, I remember that while I was writing this, I was realizing for the first time that my days of eating carelessly were over. I could no longer eat when I was hungry, without counting cals. I was already so consumed with my disorder that I couldn't be convinced that restricting my body of what it needed was not a way to get noticed, or to feel better about myself for more than a few hours. As I was reading this over, I came to the conclusion that I haven't eaten intuitively in a year and a half. So what way to better mark that by breaking the bad habit? That's right. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, without paying attention to cals.

ED wants me to be embarrased for posting how much I've eaten today, but I refuse. Before I left for group I had a bowl of honey nut cheerios with milk. ED started butting in and jabbering about how it was too sugary for a snack but I brushed him off. In the car to group, I had a string cheese and apple, then after group I had a dark chocolate raspberry almond Quaker True Delights bar. When I got home, I was ravenous, for some reason. I guessed that it might be because of a lack of protein and fat, so I made a bowl of plain yogurt with 1/2 a banana, PB puffins, and a spoon of PB.

And guess what? I didn't feel guilty eating these. At all. In fact, I felt proud that I was respecting my natural hunger signals and not depriving my body of what it needed. I'll admit, for a couple of minutes, I was worried that this would turn into a binge. Even though my binging only lasted a few months, it was one of the most painful things I've ever been through and don't want it back. But I stopped, drank a glass of water, and thought that I was legitimately hungry, I wasn't eating for emotional reasons or because I was bored.

I am on a calorie counting-free snacking high right now like you wouldn't believe! I talked about this at group today and everyone was so happy for me, which just made me feel even better.

I wasn't feeling like I had already eaten too much when it was dinner time. I steamed some cauliflower, spinach, and mushrooms. Then I put them in a ramekin, topped them with tomato sauce and cheese, and shoved it in the over. Pizza veggie-bake! Delish. On the side, I had some grilled tofu and a slice of toast with PB. I had more PB because I could and was craving it.

I haven't counted cals at all since my snacks this afternoon. It's so liberating, why did I do it in the first place? And wow, I never realized how much brain space it takes up! I'm feeling a small tinge of guilt now, which I suppose is expected them first time. I think I just need to practice this more and it will get easier. And also maybe one person to tell me that I'm doing to right thing.

Good night!

Give me my Larabar!

Okay, so I had one of the worst dreams I've ever had last night! I was in gym class, and my stupid teacher was making us do math equations in class. It was ridiculous- we were in our gym uniforms and all and he was making us do math worksheets! So I decided to be rebellious and not do my math equation. I was putting my (apple pie, favorite!) Larabar up to my mouth to eat it and my gym teacher swooped out of nowhere and took it from me! He got really angry and started yelling at how I didn't have any special privileges and had to do double math problems now. It was very realistic, but thank goodness it didn't really happen!

Anyhow. Among other things for brekky I had a bowl of oats topped with applesauce, candied ginger, and a crumbled graham cracker. One of my favorite combos.

No pic of AM snack. Lunch was a chocolate banana PB sammich, cauliflower, a Rachel's yogurt, and a Nature's Path hemp granola bar.
My friends were not accepting of my switch from carrots to cauliflower. One of my idiotic guy friends sniffed it and declared "It smells like vegetables!" Rachel's yogurt is my favorite but I had never tried the pomegranate acai flavor before today. It was very good, but I'm depressed because they discontinued Rachel's at my supermarket to sell stupid freaking coconut milk yogurt. Gr gr gr. And the hemp bar was excellent too, nice and chewy with big chunks of dried fruit!

Before I left for ballet today, I had a string cheese and a minneola, which according to my grandma the botanist, is part of the tangerine family. Then after ballet, I had a Zbar and a string cheese. Yes, that is two string cheesay easays. I need all the protein for maintaining my super strong muscles!

Ballet went okay. I was sort of beating myself up over my appearance but I had to stop because my muscles hurt so badly! I hate ronde de jambe en lair. It seems that every other class I feel okay about my body, and the other classes I hate myself. When does it end?

For dinnah, we made quiche cups again. This time we used more mushrooms and less peppers. On the side, I had the rest of the veggie filling that was leftover and two slices of french bread. I've had a ton of protein today but whatevs. Aw crud I just said whatevs! I have sunk down to the level of an eleven year old, lip gloss-wearing, Hannah Montana-watching teeny bopper.

My grandma the botanist is also a crocheter/knitter. She wrapped a vase she sent my mom for her birthday in a pretty orange shawl-y thing. My mom didn't want it so I claimed it for my own! Yay, orange!
I was attempting to look elegant in this but I look confused and cold because I had just walked home from school. Failure. Ignore the toilet paper roll in the backgroud. And the trashcan.

Today in orchestra in school I was talking with another cellist in my section. We have a weird friendship, we like to torture eachother verbally. It sounds awful and strange but this girl is one of my best friends! Anyway, we were having an argument today, I forget what it was about. But it ended with her saying "HAHA, but then I'll snap your twiggy legs!" See what I mean? I'm used to it though. But her comment really smacked something into perspective. ED tells me that my legs are fat and blobby almost every day. Yet today, one of my best friends who I trust with everything, called them twigs. ED distorted my vision so much that I couldn't see the thing that's clear to every other person. From this I infer that ED is a meanie lying manipulative jerk and should not be trusted at all. So haha, I win.

Also, the stupid word verification thing on Blogger won't let me post comments for a lot of people. If any of you have the type of layout where comments get posted at the bottom of each post and a little window for word verification pops up when you click publish, then I can't comment on your blog. I really really want to though, so hopefully this gets fixed soon! Yesterday I noticed comments from Cortni and Pammy, and I just want to say how much I appreciate your comments. It makes me feel so happy to know that new people have found my blog and enjoy reading it! I can't comment back though until word verification gets fixed.

Now I'm going to go cry because there is no new Gossip Girl tonight. I have to actually do my research now!

Hangry Pants is hosting a granola giveaway. Don't forget to enter!

Birthday Fun!

Well, kind of. I woke up this morning feeling quite low. I was in a very negative, body-hating mood and I couldn't do anything to distract myself. I was really focused on how stupid I was to even try to recover anyway, to try to leave ED. This feeling held over through ballet, which just made the body image and comparing myself a million times worse. Arg.

But, today was my mom's birthday so I had to act smiley and positive all freaking day! I suppose it was for the better, so I wouldn't have been able to isolate myself and let the ED feelings grow. For breakfast, I made aebleskiver! For those of you who don't know, aebleskiver are a Danish breakfast treat. You fry them in a special pan that kind of looks like a round muffin pan. They taste like puffy buttermilk pancakes! Me and my mom are Danish so I asked for the pan for Valentines day, tehe. I added a bit of sliced apple in mine. Yay, look how cute and bite-sized they are!
I had a couple dipped in applesauce.
I also had another apple with cheese and blueberry crumble oatmeal! I topped my oats with micro'd bluebs, a crumbled vanilla gingersnap, and a splash of vanilla soymilk. Soo good.

For lunch after ballet, me and my sister went to the mall. I have already expressed my hatred of fast food. I got Subway (veggie delite w/ provolone on wheat). That is totally not a recycled picture. Really.
I had baked lays on the side, then when I got home I had an apple and dark choco chips.

My snack was a repeat of yesterday, except cauliflower instead of a tangerine. I love applesauce and cottage cheese! It tastes yummy and keeps me full foreva.

For her birthday dinner, my mom choose to go out to Mi Rancho. They didn't have many veggie options, so I ended up getting vegetable fajitas. They were made of sauteed zucchini, carrots, onions, mushrooms, and a bit of bell pepper. I wrapped them in two delish homemade tortillas, and topped them with a bit of guacamole. Not the normal Mexican veggies, but very yummy! On the side, I had some refried beans. No pic because I didn't want to make my mom feel uncomfortable on her birthday. For some reason, I never have any problem eating out. I can't stand it when one of my parents cooks for me, but ED is totally okay with letting me go to restaurants. I guess I just convince myself that it's okay to eat out on special occasions like this. I actually managed to enjoy myself, and didn't let myself start calculating calories. So yay!

When we got home, we digested a bit and then had cake. My mom requested a raspberry cake without chocolate in it, so I made this recipe with modifications. I stirred in the raspberries instead of just putting them on top, and made a buttercream icing instead of a glaze. It was good, but a tad dry. My mom liked it though.

My good mood was ruined right before we had cake. My dad got ticked off at me over something stupid, and my mom got angry at him for getting angry at me. Then I got mad because I hate to see other people mad! I'm actually sort of at the point where I feel very satisfied when I upset my dad, but that's another story. But I felt really bad that my mom wasn't enjoying her birthday cake as much as she should have, so then I didn't want to eat mine either. I hate eating when I'm upset. So, there was a very tense atmosphere at the table and I found it really hard to eat. I only ate half my piece of cake.

Hope you are all enjoying your weekends! I'm off to do my puzzle and listen to Celtic music haha.

To blog or not to blog

Today when I checked my email, my mom had replied to the letter I sent her in which I told her about the blog. She basically said "That explains the food pictures.", and that she's noticed that I've been doing a lot better at meals/ with scary foods. She also said that she couldn't judge for herself whether this was a good thing for me to be doing, so she suggested that I ask my therapist/ group. She wants to see my blog on the weekend.

So today I had group therapy and talked about my blog as my "round". I felt really uncomfortable explaining it, and I don't think I got my point across too well. First, most of the girls didn't know what a food blog was. Second, I couldn't put into words how this blog has been helping my recovery. The therapist who leads my group said that she couldn't decide whether or not blogging is a good thing for me, because it's different for each person and depends on what stage of recovery they're in. One of her main concerns was that the bloggers who comment here would give me advice that wouldn't work. This hasn't happened so far (because you're all so amazing!) but I can see how non-professional advice could hurt me. My group therapist was also afraid of "cyber-bullying". This hasn't happened to me either, but I don't know how I'd react if someone commented on here specifically to offend me or take advantage of my disorder.

She also asked three important questions. They were meant to be rhetorical in group, but I'll answer them here.

Q: Is blogging just another way for me to get attention?
A: No. Of course it makes me happy to get comments, but I am more focused on using this blog as a way to share my love of food and help my recovery than I am on gaining popularity in the blogging world.

Q: If I'm only talking to people online about recovery and food, will it be harder for me to interact with people in real life without using those as conversation pieces?
A: This is something that I've noticed recently. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to find things to talk about with people my age other than food. I'm sort of introverted by nature, but I'm just closing up my shell even more because I can't have normal conversations anymore. Sometimes, I find things to talk about with kids in my orchestra and can chit-chat sort of well, so this one is TBD.

Q: Will blogging make me even more obsessed with food and healthy eating than I already am?
A: I don't know. I'd really like to believe that I have a genuine interest in food and that I'd be cooking and baking all the time even if I didn't have an ED. Often times, it seems that I can't find anything else to think of besides food. If I'm bored, I go online and look up recipes, and sometimes don't eat what I'd really like because it doesn't seem "blog worthy". I have a couple of good distractions though, like doing puzzles, ballet, and playing the cello. This one will be figured out later too.

My group therapist asked that I talk to my individual therapist about the blog too. I really don't want to quit blogging, because I've made so many great relationships on here and would be so sad to just let them go! I think I'll keep the blog, but I may have to make changes so I can do what will be best for my recovery.

Alright, that's done! Don't have too many pictures today. Part of breakfast was a yummy bowl of oats. Toppings were chopped crystalized ginger, applesauce, and graham cracker crumbs.

I'll just skip right over lunch and onto my snack, which involved a cinnamon roll Larabar. This flavor is pretty good, but nothing compared to my favorite, apple pie! Meh.

Din dins was yummers. I made cheesy baked cauliflower. I realize that this is the second day in a row that I've had something with "cheesy" in the title, but it's okay because I like cheese! This was pretty good, but it needs something to help it stick together better. And more cheese!
With a baked Quorn chik'n cutlet, brushed with evoo and seasoned with cumin, oregano and garlic powder. I really don't like these too much. I'm a vegetarian, I don't want my food to taste like meat! These are too real tasting for me. But my mom buys them, so I keep eating them...

Sorry for the super long post. I'm just trying to put some things into perspective. Now I'm off to do a puzzle, goodnight lovelies!

Success!

Meaning, I've had a very accomplished day. Aside from eating, I did yoga, practiced pointe for ballet (starts again tomorrow, yay!), finished the book I was reading and finished the last of my puzzle.

Psh, 1000 pieces is nothing. That big chunk of blue sky was quite tricky though. This was a cool puzzle to do because it's like an "I Spy" type thing. There are watches and combs and toothbrushes etc. hidden everywhere. Puzzles are great, they're my #1 distraction when ED is bugging me.

For breakfast, I started with some plain yogurt, and apple, and a warmed up cinnamon raisin Gnu bar. Gnu bars aren't my favorite, but this is the best flavor!

Then a yumtastic bowl of oatmeal. I cooked it with 1/2 c Holly Nog and 1/2 c water, then chopped in a banana a la Kath. I topped it with frozen blueberries.
For lunch I wanted a sammich, but didn't want just peanut butter. So I googled vegetarian sandwich ideas, and came to this page. I liked the sound of the first one for an asian pita, but I had no pita bread so I just used WW potato bread. I used the PB option and only used half the soy sauce. For veggies, I used shredded carrots, spinach, onion and green bell pepper. I wish I had more asian veggies but this was super yummy nonetheless! Great savory sandwich.

Since last week's cauliflower experiment went over so well, I decided that I needed to try another. I made this recipe for Cauliflower and Cheese Puff. It was v. yummy, but didn't "puff" much. I used monterrey jack cheese and whole wheat bread crumbs instead of challah. I lurve cauliflower!
Had it with some TJ's butternut squash soup and toast

Question: How much water do you girls drink? Because I drink like 12 glasses a day, and I don't know if it's normal considering how most people struggle to get in the recommended eight. It seems as if i get thirsty after every bite I eat. It's not a big concern of mine, it was just on my mind. I hope all of you had wonderful Fridays!

Cauliflower and Pop.. unders.

Evening, ladies! Thank you all for your advice on dealing with my dad. I've had a bad relationship with my dad since I was about ten. There's so much wrong between us, I don't want to get into any of it. It's hard to just blow a comment he made off, or "just talk" to him about how he offended/triggered me. I wish it was that simple. Your comments were much appreciated though, and made me feel a lot better.

Pretty boring day, food-wise. Until dinner, that is. I made Cauliflower Gratin with Goat Cheese Topping. Except I replaced the goat cheese with feta, since my sister objected to goat cheese, and feta is my favorite!

It was so freaking good! It should be a crime to make veggies taste so delicious. I never realized it before, but cauliflower is one of my favorite vegetables. I'm so happy it's in season. Arg, now I can't stop thinking about eating it! Favorite cheese+favorite veggie+bread= match made in heaven!

I also attempted to make Whole Wheat Popovers that I've made before with great success. Something went wrong this time. I put them in cups last time but just put them in a sprayed muffin tin this time, so they stuck. They deflated, and ripped when I tried to pull them out of the tins. I was left with bread cups :[ Delicious, airy bread cups though.
Sorry for the lack of pictures, but I've been busy today. Finals start next week, eek! I've been studying. To make it up to you, I took another picture of my kitten mitten muffin Shadow!
Now I'm off to study more, then to watch *Gossip Girl*! Chace Crawford! Ed Westwick! My future husbands, both of them. Ha. G'night!