Thursday, February 26, 2009

First time in...

Evening, lovely love muffins. Speaking of muffins! I have a muffin idea in my head for this weekend. Involving one of the food blogging world's favorite products. But that's all I'm saying for now :]

The exciting part of this post comes soon, but first I'll post a pic of my oatmeal this morning. It was topped with TJ's chai tea mix and half a caramelized nanner.

And for lunch I had a PB sammich, cauliflower, Nature Valley granola bar, and a vanilla Chobby Wob.

This afternoon afterschool I was reading the lovely Mel's blog in which she talks about eating intuitively and giving yourself unconditional permission to eat what you want. I mentioned yesterday that I was having difficulty eating when I was hungry (thanks for the stellar advice, btw) so this post couldn't have come at a better time! It really struck a chord with me how Mel said "...when you deny your body what it's REALLY craving and give it something else instead, you will never be satisfied and then just end up bingeing later on what you wanted in the first place. By giving yourself what you want to begin with, with NO emotional baggage associated with the food, you cut down on the guilt, and thus cut down on the binge/restrict cycle."

I was feeling really starving today for some reason. I was sitting at the computer thinking "okay, you can have your snack at 3:30 before you leave for group. No more." But then I read Mel's post today and a lightbulb went off! I can't expect that recovery is going to come to me without any work. I won't just be able to wake up one morning and be totally in touch with my body, and give it all of and the right type of food it needs. I have to actually practice honoring my hunger consistently, so that becomes my new "normal" diet, rather than restricting what I really want to eat. This disorder has already taken so much from me, I can't let it take away anymore TIME by waiting for recovery to come.

Then I was reading through my diary from early September, 2007. I had just gotten through a couple months of binging after the event that triggered my ED. I'd already been struggling with disordered thoughts for a few years. But a very shortened version of my diary entry is: "You don't have to be skinny to be anorexic. I weight ___ lbs, so I'm not exactly a stick. A lot of guys at my school weigh more than I do. I've dropped my calorie intake to ___ cals a day. In front of my parents and friends, I have to force myself to eat. The thought of consuming anything but water disgusts me. I HATE EATING! I picture my ideal weight at ___. I pick my flaws out in the mirror every day. I swore that I would never do something like this to myself. But I can't help it. This may not seem like a serious problem now because of how much I weigh, but I think that if this goes on I might have a serious problem. I do sort of wish someone would notice I have a problem. I'm tired of being invisible. I need other people to recognize that I'm not always so rational and composed on the inside. I need to be skinny."

Little did I know that a few months later I'd be facing hospitalization for being so underweight. Anyhow, I remember that while I was writing this, I was realizing for the first time that my days of eating carelessly were over. I could no longer eat when I was hungry, without counting cals. I was already so consumed with my disorder that I couldn't be convinced that restricting my body of what it needed was not a way to get noticed, or to feel better about myself for more than a few hours. As I was reading this over, I came to the conclusion that I haven't eaten intuitively in a year and a half. So what way to better mark that by breaking the bad habit? That's right. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, without paying attention to cals.

ED wants me to be embarrased for posting how much I've eaten today, but I refuse. Before I left for group I had a bowl of honey nut cheerios with milk. ED started butting in and jabbering about how it was too sugary for a snack but I brushed him off. In the car to group, I had a string cheese and apple, then after group I had a dark chocolate raspberry almond Quaker True Delights bar. When I got home, I was ravenous, for some reason. I guessed that it might be because of a lack of protein and fat, so I made a bowl of plain yogurt with 1/2 a banana, PB puffins, and a spoon of PB.

And guess what? I didn't feel guilty eating these. At all. In fact, I felt proud that I was respecting my natural hunger signals and not depriving my body of what it needed. I'll admit, for a couple of minutes, I was worried that this would turn into a binge. Even though my binging only lasted a few months, it was one of the most painful things I've ever been through and don't want it back. But I stopped, drank a glass of water, and thought that I was legitimately hungry, I wasn't eating for emotional reasons or because I was bored.

I am on a calorie counting-free snacking high right now like you wouldn't believe! I talked about this at group today and everyone was so happy for me, which just made me feel even better.

I wasn't feeling like I had already eaten too much when it was dinner time. I steamed some cauliflower, spinach, and mushrooms. Then I put them in a ramekin, topped them with tomato sauce and cheese, and shoved it in the over. Pizza veggie-bake! Delish. On the side, I had some grilled tofu and a slice of toast with PB. I had more PB because I could and was craving it.

I haven't counted cals at all since my snacks this afternoon. It's so liberating, why did I do it in the first place? And wow, I never realized how much brain space it takes up! I'm feeling a small tinge of guilt now, which I suppose is expected them first time. I think I just need to practice this more and it will get easier. And also maybe one person to tell me that I'm doing to right thing.

Good night!


Anonymous said...

kiki - your the best!
good for you for banishing calorie counting - thats no way to live at all! im so proud of you girlll :)

yes - your advice would be awesome! THANK YOUU

Peanut Butter and Jenny said...

kiki i am IN LOVE WITH THIS POST! It is so powerful <3 thank you so much for sharing your journal entries - im sure we ALL can relate! i am so proud of you love, its so difficult to eat intuitively and i am so inspired by your strength to eat what you wanted and when you wanted. Wonderful, jsut wonderful girl.. you are amazing :) <3 xoxo

Jess :) said...

I am SO happy too!!! I am feeling some of the same thoughts that you are. Calorie counting is stupid and pointless for us to do. Let's live our lives and not worry about calories, ok? I feel liberated as well. I am asking myself before I eat, now what do I REALLY want? Sometimes it's what I thought of, but sometimes it's not! I could be lacking protein, so I crave yogurt. To be able to "detect" that, it's just amazing! I have never felt healthier :) I am so proud of you Kiki! Love your eats btw! Note to self-get more BARS!!
<3 jess :)

Laci said...

Kiki, this IS an amazing post! Is it just me, or does it feel like SO many people(I know) in the blogging world are JUST FINALLY beginning to really make SO much progress twards recovery...

AWASOME AND AMAZING!!! I LOVED how you showed you're previous diary entries, mine wouldn't look similar but they would proably have a similar tone and hate twards my self, so desperately NOT wanting to gain wieght (health) and stay lonely, cold and depressed...

OMG You are SUCH a sweetie for all those balanced, delicious snacks, way to go for NOT counting cals.! I will admit, ED is so on and off I HATE when he tells me to count cals. and I sort of get cought up in times and amounts before certian hours, I know, SO stupid, but it's a HUGE callenge to let go, I wish I could just wake up and be well!

Of course, shouldn't this journey be about LEARNING respect and love twards ourself and life? Shouldn't I know, If I can say it, I can wirte it, I should be able to DO it? There's nothing I really want more, than to break free, grow (physically) and make new friends, but I feel so traped, and hopeless. I know this is irrational but ED has been "there" (the oppisite of it!) for us for so long, we have to be BRAVE to break free of these controlling habbits...

You have inspired me so much, tomorrow I want to eat by intuition! It will be very hard, since I already planned my meals and packed them in my laptop lunch, breakfast will be oats and snack is chilling in the fridge, but I realised I haven't packed a very big klunch and that's NOT ok.I don't want to keep such cal. limits any longer, I won't waste another day, so despite EDs screeming t me and telling me I'll gain immetietly, I must feed my hunger, becasue honestly, like I said on Lee's blog "for the love of Peanutbutter", It is just silly and wasteful to keep abusing food like I (so many) have, and recovery will never come if I don't put an end to bad behaviors NOW. Yes, Today. Tomorrow morning, the next few days. weeks. months. years. This should be a lifelong habbit, and I want to GAIN it, so practice makes perfect!

Sorry for the long comment, enjoy your night beautiful! :)

lesley said...

What an inspiring post!!

I LOVE that you ate all that you ate : ) and that you posted it ... I say keep on eating all that great food!! ; )

Anonymous said...

I am so happy for you girl!
I know you can beat that ED ;]

emily. said...

Way to go, Kiki! I'm so glad that you ate all those things and didn't even feel guilty about it! <3 Leave that troublesome ED behind.

Chobby Wob! :D I'm going to call it that from now on, if you don't mind. ;)

Have a great rest of the day!

Sharon said...

That is awesome Kiki. I'm so happy to have read this wonderful post of yours. You are seriously one strong girl!

Mel said...

Thank you so much for the shout-out girl! I'm SO glad that what I said resonated with you-- doesn't it feel freaking AWESOME to eat what you WANT, WHEN you want it?? I have to admit, the guilt does creep in at times, but it goes away when i tell myself that my body is hungry and craving certain things for a REASON and that I should honor the hunger and cravings to function at my best. Like the book says, intuitive eating is a long process that doesn't happen overnight-- those of us with messed up eating habits have been ignoring our body's natural signals for so long that we have to really take time to hear them and heed them again. I am SO PROUD OF YOU for doing that today!! A life counting cals is such a LIMITED life, and you deserve to LIVE, girl. Thank you so much for this post, you're such an incredible inspiration, as always :-) have a great night!!

Anonymous said...

Hell yes for eating what you want! Your body is just telling your what it needs and I doubt you would crave it if you didn't really want it.

Woo! Those oats are fabulous!

Oh and how are those Nature's Path bars? I saw them but didn't end up buying them. I love the hemp cereal though!

Anna said...

Congrats on not counting today! It is truly liberating when you listen to your body and decide what it needs and wants, NOT what the numbers on the package say.

Thank you for sharing your journal entries. Every insight you have helps someone else on their journey to recovery as well.

And your eats look delicious!

Anonymous said...

that's awesome! if i may ask, how did you overcome your binging? i am worried that i will become a binge eater since i always feel the need to cram in the calories...and then i can't stop!

tinyirishdancer said...


Mhmm @ your foodie. Making me crave a boonana. But I has none!


You. inspire. me.

I've been struggling with calorie counting and eating snacks outside of my meal plan, lately, (not sure why - I had been doing okay) so this post was really helpful.

Yes, you are doing the right thing. =]

Oh, and yes! The inauguration was AMAZING!(Although I had some scary and serious problems with the cold.)
I was actually in DC for that whole week - wish we could've met up sometime!
Do you have a Facebook? I have all my pictures posted there. If not, I may make a special DC post on my blog. =]

Now that I've written you a novel...I'm going to wish you a happy FRIDAY - finally!!
<3 ya, girlie!

Jemima said...

So, so proud of you. You've done amazingly well, you should be so happy with yourself - screw ED, he's a wanker, live and love, chica. xxxx

Brooke said...

oh my goodness kiki! big hugs right now! this post is by far my favorite. you are so real and inspiring. thank you! i can relate on so many levels - the journal entries, the feelings, the desires and urges but also how i have not been eating intuitively. but i did thursday and it was amazing! so liberating! and i felt so free not knowing if i made my meal plan or if i went over or what not. as long as we are eating what we want [and ever 2-3 hours] that is what matters! i know we can do this sweetie - and im here with you every step of the way :)

i hope you have a fabulous friday! love you lots <3

p.s great eats! and yes! enjoy your snacks in good health because your body is giving you signals for a reason :)

aussirish said...

hi hun
this post is AWESOME! so SO empowering, inspiring and just truely powerful! im so proud of you for honouring your hunger and giving your body what it needed :) its such a positive sTEP!Like you said, we dont just wake up recovred...we need to put work in to make it work and that work can seem hard and uncomfortable at times but its the only way well ever escape the ed!
thanks for sharing your journal entry too!
im so inspired by you hun, i really am!
love you lots
have a great thursday night :)
ps.i LOVE honey nut cherios and now i have a craving for them after seeing them on your blog haha

Anonymous said...

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! jenny said she is in love with this post. well I want to HAVE BABIES with this post. kiki, you are so amazing, well done for all your achievements today!! i am so motivated and inspired by you right at this moment. eating intuitively is SO hard and you did it today. effing well done for brushing ED off yo' back and listening to your beautiful, intelligent body which knows what it needs. LOVE YOUU!!! XXXXXX

nourishing mornings said...

great job eating intuitively and what kiki wants not ed i hope i can work towards this one day. great eats and don't let ed tell you you ate too much you eat perfectly and such yummy eats as well.

Maya said...

iam so proud that you didnt count calories that is huge! i hope one day i can be are so strong i admire you alot!!!!! i love you and dont you dare let ed make you feel embaressed about hoe "much" you ate...because you are nourishing your body and giving it what it truly needs.

alex said...

wow! i too struggle with anorexia, and you are such an inspiration to me! you are so strong; i know just how hard eating intuitively can be, and just want you to know that i really look up to you. go gettem, girl!

Anonymous said...

This is absolutely AMAZING progress Kiki!

If calorie counting feels restrictive & is not allowing you to properly fuel your body then it doesn't deserve a place in your life!

Keep challenging yourself & the life of freedom, health & happiness will become a reality.

Hope you have a lovely weekend x

Pammy said...

this post is so beautiful and insightful. i love going back and reading old journals just to see how far ive come- and you have obviously come such a long way. keep up the positive attitude and keep fighting!