Post #100

So this is very strange. Back when I made my blog, I thought it would be a sort of an experimental thing where I could post my new recipes/ food finds when I felt like it. I had no idea that blogging would become such a huge part of my life! From comparing my first couple entries to the ones I've made recently, I can clearly see what a enormously positive effect blogging has had on my recovery. I've gone from having smallish, perfectly measured and portioned meals, to eating what and how much food I want, whenever I feel hungry. Also I can tell that blogging has really let my personality come out again. When I first started blogging I still wasn't completely aware of the fact that I could be my own person, not just an isolated ED-zombie. But I've slowly figured out what makes me me, and I really enjoy posting it on here! I'm sure that I never could've gotten to 100 posts if it wasn't for all the support, reassurance, advice, and laughs that you have all given me. So thank you!

For breakfast this morning I had an apple with cheese and another Puffin muffin. They have a slightly more pronounced PB flavor when they're room temperature.

I also had a bowl of coconut blueberry chai oats! I cooked my oatmeal in coconut thai chai tea, and topped it with plain yogurt, bluebs, and flaked coconut. Yummers.

For lunch, I made Fay's signature carrot & PB sammich, but used sunflower seed butter instead of PB. T'was delish. I also had a Voskos yogurt, trek mix bar, and a minneola.

I'm not feeling as starving as I was yesterday today, but I'm still pretty hungry today. Throughout the day I snacked on many handfuls of honey nut cheerios and a bit of dark chocolate. For my official snack, I had CC+applesauce on an english muffin. I had a spoon on sunflower seed butter on the side. When I first tried SSB I was like hmm, this is weird, how will I finish the jar? But it's growing on me and I really want some right now..

For dinnah I made broiled polenta with mushrooms and cheese. Omgz, so good! I didn't have porcini so I just used more regular shrooms. I like how mushrooms get all chewy when you cook them. On the side I had a big hunk of french bread and steamed spinach.

The thing I wanted to talk about yesterday is jeans. Jeans are scary for me because during the worse of my ED, I had several pairs of jeans that hung off of my bony frame, even with a belt. Even though I've gained weight, these couple pairs of jeans still fit me because they were so loose on me while I was restricting. But this past week, one pair ripped and another had a button fall off from too much wearing, I suppose. My mom told me that she would buy me a new pair or two. So yesterday after lunch, we went jeans shopping. I was emotionally attatched to the jeans that fell apart. Even though they weren't ED's ideal size, I still felt skinny enough wearing them because they were the jeans I wore when I had a really low BMI. So, I was really nervous to buy a new pair because I didn't want to have to see the size that ED equates with failure.

I ended up buying a size that I'm okay with. I was talking with Fay and told her that I thought it was because the store I bought them from was making their sizes larger. Fay then proceeded to knock some sense into my brain by telling me that no, it was not the store making their clothes bigger. It was me being small enough to fit the stupid things! I mean, just yesterday I said I noticed in ballet how skinny I looked. I wore the jeans today and gave myself a good look in the mirror. They are too loose. Obviously this makes ED very happy because it means that I'm getting "the attention I deserve" for being sick enough. But then I thought that loose jeans are not attractive on me. I have no butt, and who really likes that besides ED? What are the advantages to staying skinny enough to make these jeans hang off of me? None. My body won't be able to support children. I'll be too tired for ballet. I'll be too tired for cello. I'll spend my day thinking of ways to stay small enough to fit the jeans. I'll isolate myself again.

Conclusion: I have absoulutely no reason to base my self worth and mood on a pair of jeans. It may make me feel nice now to have loose jeans, but in the long run, it'll bring about many problems and I'll regret it.

Whew. All done. I'm crossing my fingers for a snow day tomorrow! It's supposed to start snowing around midnight and continue through til morning, accumulating 3-6 inches. Woopee! Good night, all!