Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Change of plan..

Evening, loves. Sorry for not posting yesterday. I didn't skip posting for ED reasons, more like I was buried under a pile of homework and cello concerts and crappy TV (american idol!) watching. I think I'm going to take after Morgan and Brooke and switch to every-other-day posting. Even if I'm not feeling triggered or depressed. I have enough of an obsession with food, I don't need to end my nights thinking about it every day. Plus, sometimes I end up putting blogging ahead of some more important things. For example, my grades have been slipping lately (okay, slipping down to B's, but I can't have that) and I should be spending my extra time studying and doing homework, not posting food pictures. So maybe over spring break or on the weekends when I don't have so much to do I'll do daily posts again.

Also, sorry for being so negative in all my posts lately! I don't want to come off as a whiner.. it's just I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of feeling guilty, tired of blocking out negativity, tired of everything that recovery has brought into my life. I was comfortable during the worst of my ED- I didn't have enough energy to feel much of anything (except happiness when I lost weight) so there was no battle to fight. A lot of days I don't see a point in making the effort to recover, because I feel like I don't have much to live for. I feel like I'm complaining too much again. But I don't expect advice, I know I'll find out what makes recovery worth it. There's something inside of me that's telling me to keep eating despite the overwhelming guilt and regret I often feel, so I'm just going to trust that there is something better for me than my disorder and keep going.

Okay, end seriousness. For breakfast think morning with other stuffffff I had antioxidant oats! Which is bluebs, almonds, and dark chocolate topping on oatmeal.

Snack was normal, and lunch was somewhat difference, for once. Instead of nut butter on my sandwich I had veggie cream cheese and dill hummus, which was lovely. Hummus is yummus hehe. I also had cauliflower, a trek mix bar and TJ's "french village" yogurt. This was basically like reg. yogurt but slightly thicker and not as sweet. I like it.

I made a big batch o' barley this afternoon, and I figured that there was no better thing to do with it than make blended grains a la CCV. I used this recipe for banana brulee oatmeal, using barley. Wooo new favorite snack! So creamy. I ate it with a spoon on PB.

Dinner was excellent. I was really craving salad, but salads have been off limits lately because they're rather low in calories. So I made taco salad! I brushed a WW tortilla with olive oil, stuck it in a bowl, and baked it at 400* to make a shell. Meanwhile, I cooked 2 tbs of quinoa in 1 tbs olive and tossed in onions, green pepper, a Quorn chik'n cutlet, and zucchini (??). I poured it over lettuce in the shell and topped it with black beans and salsa. I'm not a fan of faux meat because I don't like to be reminded of the taste or texture of real meat, so next time I want to use tofu. Nom nom so tasty and fresh.
I jumped out of my window and ate this! Haha, not at the same time. I have an arbor thingy under my window that plants are supposed to grow on. It was close to 70 F and my parents weren't home to I sat on my arbor for dinner. Don't laugh. It's a good thinking place! I also had strawbs and graham crackas.

Then I jetted off to orchestra. It was good even though some idiot knocked over my cello. Stupid wind players. I bit his head off.

Guhhh I've just been hit with a wave of fatigue. Peace out girl scouts!


Baylee♥ said...

I know the feeling all too well, girl. When you're deeply enthraled (sp? ha) in ED, its like there isn't a fight to be had. This is under your control, and you know how to do this. you know what the outcome is going to be. Granted, you're going to have those rocks in the road - like parents making you eat something, etc. - but you know that its out of your control, and that the next day you'll just resume your normal habits and everything will be completely fine again. In a way, I didnt consider myself a normal anorexic. I read things (on pro-anorexia blogs, etc) about girls who had binged and felt so badly about it. I wasnt one of those girls..I didnt even have the slightest cravings for food. I am very head strong, and I listened to ED and I knew what I wanted and I let NOTHING in the way of that. Now, its like its a whole different story. This time, YOU are actually in control. NOT ED. This time, its up to you to make the decisions and fight for what you really really want and need for your body. God wouldn't lay anything upon you that he doesnt think you can handle. YOU CAN DO THIS. its rough, because we dont know exactly whats going to happen. No one does. We're going to have our good days and our shitty as all hell, i just want to lock myself in my room for the rest of my life days. Seriously. But you just have to keep fighting. Sure a teeny tiny skinny body seems so glamorous and beautiful, but if you aren't alive in 10 years to show it off, what good is it going to do? Absolutely nothing. Its SO hard sometimes, but I just tell myself that I can have a nice, slim, healthy body, but I have to treat myself right first. And so do you dear. Im ALWAYS here for you if you ever need to talk!

ChocolateCoveredVegan said...

Oooooh I'm going to have to try it with barley!!

Love you, Kiki!

Nancy said...

WOAH WOAH WOAHH! STUPID WIND PLAYERS!? I happen to play flute, dearie ^_^

Eek! I get so excited to post on my blog daily. But I think I'll get over it soon (hopefully) LOL!

Don't apologize for posting negatively! You must let all the bad feelings out, so that you can be filled with happy feelings! And there are SO many people here who are standing by your side (not in a creepy way of course) and are supporting you in recovery. You CANNOT give up!

About your taco salad, YUMM! I don't think I'll ever be able to bake a tortilla, I'm much too afraid of burning the house down. And all the other houses, as I live in a townhouse. You know whats funny? I've NEVER had hummus in my life. I should though. Everyone says its delicious. I'm missing out on so much :'(

I hope your marks get better! :)

Anonymous said...


First off, don't ever apologize for feeling the way you feel or posting negatively. This is YOUR blog, aftah all. Riiight? It's your outlet. Let those feelings out, girl!

You're right. ED DOES provide a safety net. For a second. 'Cause Kiki, really, ED will just lead you in on a downward spiral. Eventually, there's no getting out of it. Eventually, there is no life left (both literally and metaphorically).

Sorry to be so blunt - but what good will it do you (or ANY of us) to keep giving in to ED's lies?

Nothing. Absolutely NUTTIN'.

And having "something to live for"...gosh, Kiki, there's so much! Just look around ya - life, the world, is so so so beautiful. You have your ballet (however triggering it may be at times) and your cello. I've got mah yoga, my journals, my camera. I think little things like these are what make life worth living.

There's also the future - how do you see yourself in 10 years? Do you envision yourself FREE of ED, living life, pursuing your goals and dreams? THAT is something to live for!

Never give up, sweetie, because recovery - LIFE - is SO worth it. It takes time, but I'm sure you'll discover it on your own.

Much luff <3

Stef said...

Ah yes, I think we're in very similar places right now. Do what you need to do blog-wise...if you need to take a break just do it! Your health and happiness need to come first :) You're not a whiner, you have legitimate things to talk about and be concerned about so don't be shy! Feel better girl!

Brooke said...

kiki, definitely focus on your studies! i found that blogging was hindering mine too. i think every other day is ideal because we already stress ourselves enough withe eating food, why bring on even more? so you are making a positive choice :) and in regards to feeling like giving up on recovery, there is nothing to live for - i go through these moments too. have you ever thought of meds? but if not, do realize that in time you will see why. you have so much to live for - and so much going for you! your talents, passions, charm, and wit. think of traveling, activities, dancing, family, friends, college, a career, a family...etc. so keep your head held high and fight until the end. you have so much strength, i am always in awe!

fab eats today sweetie! i love your taco bowl - i am beyond impressed with your tortilla technique! and graham crackers, mmm. i must incorporate those into my mp again soon.

i hope you have a super thursday (and group!) love you <3

Tiny Tina. said...

There is absolutely no need to apologise for anything, we all understand and we all have those horrible stumbles.
That something telling you to keep eating? That's the real you shining through, and that PROVES that you're on the right road. You're getting there and hell, it's the most difficult journey you'll ever take but that's why it's so damn fulfilling. You haven't let ED win again, you won't.
You are such a supportive, amusing, bright girl and I'm happy to have come across you, really Kiki! =D
Have a good rest of the week darling! xoxox

margarida said...

your din din looks so yummy omg! don't worry girl, i know that this bad feelings and thoughts will disapear :) be happy girl, we just have one life to live!

lots of love <3

aussirish said...

hi hun
great eats :) that din din was a great idea!! and i like the sound of where you ate it :)
i think if blogging only every 2nd day works better for you then you should defo do what works for you!!
im glad you have a inner voice telling you to eat, thats the voice to listen too, not the ed voice.
have a wonderful night girlie
much love

cosmicwild said...

hello chickpeaa :)
yea thats a good idea switching to every other day posting as its much more important to think about your grades and stuff :)
i dont post every day mainly because i just dont find the time! lol
thats a well cool idea for doing that with your tortilla :D have to remeber that next time !
love pea xxxx

Tori said...

Hey Kiki,
I want you to know that I have been in your shoes, many many times. Unlike you, when I was younger I did not fight against those ED thoughts. I missed out on so much fun in high school because anorexia was in control of everything I did. THe night of my prom, I was absolutely petrified because I knew that they were serving dinner and I was afraid of eating in front of people. I actually skipped some of the Senior field trips because they were all-day events and I was too afraid to eat on my own, in public. When I was your age, and a little older, I never tried to free myself from ED - I relied on my family to try to keep it at bay. When I went off to college - I lost weight. I had never learned to feed myself. Literally, within three weeks I was fainting on the stairwells and my roommates thought I was going to die in my sleep. I lost a $16000 scholarship to the best art school in the United States. Because I had never learned to stand up to my eating disorder. This pattern of recovery and relapse, living in a state of limbo between life and death has been my existance for six years. That is too long. It is too much beautiful time and energy wasted on something based on fallacy. Anorexia manipulates your perceptions and feelings. It tries to kill your spirit and it takes away your dreams. It snatches everything good in your life right from your finger tips.
Please, Kiki, you are so strong to keep going even when you ahve bad days. Don't underestimate yourself, and don't question your instincts. There is something so much more, so much greater out there than anorexia. And you deserve it. You are more than worth the fight. You have so many gifts and good qualities to offer the world. Don't let anorexia take you away. I did, and I lost a lot of my life, my friends and missed out on so many good things. Everyone makes mistakes, sure. But if there were ever one thing I could go back and fix, it would be this. So please, know that there is a better future for you, as long as you are willing to reach for it.

Anonymous said...

Post whenever you feel like it, lovebug! It's important that you're happy and healthy first!!


Pammy said...

Post whenever you can girl. I noticed you said that you cant let yourself drop below A's. I used to be the SAME WAY!!! My advice to you is to try to relax. Up until this year (my senior year in hs) I got straight A's and was 2nd in my class. But you know what- I was miserable. This year Ive relaxed a little and tried not to be perfect in everything- I dropped down some AP classes and even got a C on a paper- my first ever! I currently have a B in my english class but I feel okay with it. Ive talked it over A LOT with my therapist but ultimately Im really glad Ive let go of that a little. I feel like a lot of the pressure is off. Just a suggestion and if you ever need support with it, Im here for ya!!!

Much love girl, stay strong


Burp and Slurp~! said...

I will miss your daily posts, but you do what's best for you. I know too well what you mean by the lack of motivation to recover...but don't ever let ED tell you there is nothing to live for...because there is EVERYTHING to live for! fact is, you are still young and have not yet experience the many wonders in life! hang on there, kiki, there are still many lovely things in store for you!

Jemima said...

What an awesome idea with the taco shell! I'll miss reading your posts every day but it's good that you are doing what feels right for you, lovely. I know there are so many 'bumps in the road' but you have done and are doing so, so well and please never give up - I see such a beautiful life for you without ED.

Laci said...

Heya kiki!
Aw I'm sorry you're lacking motivation hon, it's REALLY hard to stay positive and ready to beat this horrible disease ALL of the time- just keep in mind what you sacrifised for evil ED... EVERYTHING. Literally, when we become obsessed w/food and develop/reinforce strange amounts/rituals, we become lonely, isolated, miserable and starved. Is that worth barely livving for? givving up and sinking closer to death? Well, I don't think so at all!!! :0 I know it's SOOO hard to fight off the guilt sometimes- we all slip up, but the worst thing to do is to truset your ED into thinking "you'll be happy and skinny" because in reality, you'll be DEPRIVED and MALNOURISHED or life- and fuel! Belive me, Iremember those days where I just wanted to shop in a grocery store but eat "light" like, much fat free low sugar stuff. I'm sorry for sounding so negitive/tough, but the WORST option is to relapse! You have come so far, pushing toimprove your relationships, why give up now?
Keep fighting girlie, it's totally worth it! :D
lots of love, Laci ;)
P.S. About the grades- not to trigger you, but since EDs (especially anorexia) is associated with control and perfectionism, grades are one of the main things we want to best in- yes, they clearly are important and keep working your litle butt off for them, but please do it with an open mind, relive the stress and cut the negitiveity. Try to also focas on improving/building/repaining lost/torn relationships as well- life is about happiness, thriving, challenging and learning- not staying malnourished, underwieght, miserable and pushing too hard for perfect grades. Besides, I highly doubt your teachers will think you're "not as good" if you get abouple of 90s over 100s. Stay strong hon! :)

Anonymous said...

stay strong kiki! you can beat this!!

as for that oatmeal of yours missy, thats pretty darn good!

tinyirishdancer said...

Yes! Hop on the every-other-day bandwagon! Thar be plenty o'room. ;]

And never apologize for complaining. God knows I do it oodles. After all, this IS a place to vent.

Ooh. Antioxidant oats? I love the idea of chocolate in oatmeal. Musht try thees.

Hummus is INDEED yummus. I've been wanting to make my own for awhile. Mebbe this weekend...since I won't make makin' yogurt again for awhile!

Wowza @ that numskies taco salad. You really must come cook din dins for me, sometime. Then I will make you dessert.
Yeshies. =]

Oh, and nah, I am not kewl 'nuff to make my own spanakopita, as of yet. This is a challenge I would like to tackle, howevah...

Oky. Now off for a bit'o'homework. Yayz. (Note the enthusiasm!)
<3's and *hugs*!!

emily. said...

Don't be sorry! And you are not a whiner. One day (in the very near future), you're going to healthy and comfortable. You won't even think about ED and how horrible he made you feel. The fact that deep down, something keeps making you eat is proof of that. And, personally, I think that "something" is the real Kiki, breaking through. :)

Your taco salad looks so nummy yummy! I don't really like fake meats either, but Gimme Lean fake-sausagey stuff is pretty tasty.

Love the strawberries!

Have a great day. <3