Saturday, March 14, 2009


Hey hey, blogitas. Hope you enjoyed your Saturdays! Saturday is my favorite day because it's the only day where I really have no obligations and can do whatever I want.

I decided to change up my breakfast today. You might've noticed that I like to eat a lot for breakfast? I usually have fruit, a carb-y baked thing, a protein like cheese, and then oatmeal. I was thinking about it yesterday and it's quite unbalanced. I think that I tend to eat more volume than I should because I'm afraid of going hungry, which I suppose is common in anorexics. Of course I always end up feeling stuffed, but I hate feeling hungry after a year of starving myself. Anyway, today I decided to break ED's rule and have a smaller volume breakfast to see if it would hold me over. First I had an egg and an apple

Then Jemima's lemon oats again! Because they're too good. I added extra yogurt this time and topped it with blueberries and pecan walnut butter. Nom. I have to say that this didn't hold me over for as long as my normal breakfasts do. But maybe I was just super hungry this morning, so I'll give it a few more days.

A ha! For once I took a picture of my AM snack. I don't like to think about eating a snack so early, so I usually just have nuts so I can just eat them quickly and forget about it. They aren't too photogenic either.

Then I went off to ballet. Ballet was rather triggering for me today, unfortunately. Last year my class was working with an older class for our recital and one of the girls became my 'thinspo'. She's very thin, but I'm almost certain that she doesn't have an ED. Usually I don't see her because she's in the class after mine, but for some reason she came to my class today. Baaaaddd. When we were standing in front of the mirror I compared my almost-all the way touching thighs to hers, with a big gap between them. I almost cried. Thinking about how much I wanted to lose weight again interfered with my dancing. If only those damn mirrors weren't there! Usually I think being in ballet is healthy for me, but today was one of those days where it was obviously screwing up my recovery.

I don't know how this started, but my sister considers it some sort of tradition to go out to eat every Saturday. I hate fast food, it makes me feel so yuck! I got a vegetarian bowl (rice, black beans, lettuce, salsa, guac) from Maui Tacos again.

When I got home I had plain yogurt with cheerios and raspberries, which I considered part of lunch still.

My official snack was popcorn with grapefruit and more cashews hiding in the bowl.

Dinner was delectable. I made corn cakes, because we have a lot of frozen corn in the freezer. I used half white wheat flour and half AP and it turned out fine. I was expecting that these would turn out crispy and sort of like cornbread, they were more like really thick pancakes. I'm awful at making pancakes so they were undercooked, but it's okay because I love batter-y pancakes! I think next time I'll use 1/2 c less corn so they spread out more and cook more evenly. I had two + another I ate after the pic. I also had a really random salad of iceberg, kale, carrots, mushrooms, fried tofu and papaya poppyseed dressing.

Okay, this is a long post so I'll wrap it up. Enjoy your Sundays!


Jemima said...

Hey sweets, sorry to hear ballet was triggering :-( You must remember that a massive gap between the thighs isn't attractive or healthy - it's only the disorders in us that think it is! I said it in your previous post, but to me you look tiny and if this girl really is as thin as you say, she must look really ill - not pretty.
Don't let ED interrupt your dancing - I bet you dance beautifully! And yay for lemon oats! ;-)

Jess :) said...

I am sorry that ballet didn't go as well as you had hoped. Is there any way you can just focus on yourself? I mean, in yoga the instructor tells us to look at yourself in the mirror and not to compare yourself. If that makes sense :) Great foods today! I adore cashews, haha!

Anonymous said...

I'm shorrie ballet was triggering ):

I remember once I was at my therapist's and throwing a hissy fit. I kept crying and saying "But I'm FAT!" To which my therapist said, "How in the world are you fat if you can fit into those jeans?"

My response? "When I LOOK at myself in the mirror, I can SEE that I am fat." So my therapist brought me back down to reality - I have an EATING DISORDER. Having a DISTORTED BODY IMAGE is part of this disorder. What we see is NOT really true.

Moral of the (longish) story? If you ever freak out (whether it is after looking at yourself in the mirror or comparing yourself to someone else), 'member it's all ED playing tricks on your mind. You are slender and fit and beautiful and such a sweetie-pie (: Don't EVER let ED tell you otherwise and don't EVER let him interfere with something you love - ballet!


K said...

Aw sorry ballet didn't go well today :( Be selfish - only think about yourself while you're there!! I love those corn cakes - they sound fabulous!

Sharon said...

Awh, sorry to hear about the ballet incident. But stay strong. You can overcome this.

Love your tasty nuts, I love munching on nuts. =D

Nutritious is Delicious said...

sorry ballet didnt go well today! All of your food pics look awesome!! :D

Brooke said...

oh sweetie! i am so sorry ed was distracting you in class today. i can only imagine how frustrating that must have been. it is human nature to judge ourselves to other females - but remember that you are in recovery from anorexia. try saying out loud or in your head, over and over until it registers. i find myself doing this whenever myself and another [obviously-ill girl] exchange looks - its so triggering to go back to our old ways but i have to stop and rethink. our lives have improved in so many aspects that its not worth it to loose a few pounds. you are beautiful just the way you are! kiki you are a natural beauty :) and a fantastic ballerina!

my other advice? walk into that studio next week with your head help high and a strong sense of confidence! confidence is so contagious and others will notice it - because a thin body is nothing without spirit and glow.

delicious eats! i love jem's lemon oats, they are so yummy. and keep listening to your body sweetie!

love you <3

tinyirishdancer said...

Yes! I concur - Saturday is the bestest. =]

Hmm. Are you cutting back on brekkie, or eating basically the same in smaller volume?
No worries. I too turn into a beastie when I get hungry. o.o
The feeling brings up bad memories, so I try to avoid it..

*sooper hug*
Shucks. I'm sorry about ballet. Can't imagine how triggering it must be, with all those mirrors...
It must take an awful lot of strength just to BE there!
And the skinny minny - you never know. She could have some type of medical condition, as I found out with my coworker.
In any case, you are you, and she is she.
And you are beautiful, m'dear. =]

Mhm. Lovely eats today! I've rekindled a love affair with Mexican food, recently.
Actually, I'm eating tamales right now. Hee.

Yummy dindin, as well. I luff corn. Mebbe too much...
Oh yes, and random salads = <3.

You were a girl scout?
Awwww. I betcha were cuhyoot in your likkle uniformmm.
But oky. I will make you a sundae, girl-scouts-themed. =D

Yeep. I seem to write very bookish comments, always. So I will wish you a good night, and a lovely rest of the weekend!

Stef said...

wow! everything looks delicious. I want to try veganizing that corn cake recipe, sounds great! I'm sorry ballet was more harmful than healthy for you today. It's SO hard not to compare our bodies with others, especially when you're in such a body conscious leo in front of lots of mirrors! But honestly, you're beautiful! Don't let ED trick you into thinking that your thighs are too big or whatever because they are NOT (I can say this with absolute certainty thanks to the pic u posted earlier lol)

Hope you perk up tomorrow :)

Tiny Tina. said...

It completely sucks when ED decides to pop up in situations, ruining the moment!
But you're too awesome to let it ruin you. Focus on ballet, focus on the sheer beauty of what you're doing - dancing. You are GORGEOUS, I truly mean that, and you know ED is a vile little liar who's job is to feed you nothing but horrible lies.
..I really wanna bite of those corn cakes btw ;]

aussirish said...

hi hun,
aw sorry to hear you felt triggered in ballet :( remeber though you are YOU and you dont need to compare yourself to anyone else! thats just the ed doing that.
great eats :) love the cherrios n yogurt!
have a great sunday,
much love

VeggieGirl said...

So sorry about the ballet experience :-( Don't let it get you down!! Keep up the great work!!

Nancy said...

Hi! Of course I don't mind!

I totally relate to what you said how ballet is triggering. In my class, more than half of the girls are made of skin and bones. Their thighs make such large gaps! I try not to look at them through the mirror and instead pay attention to how I can improve the excersizes.

Nancy said...

Haha, no, I'm not on pointe yet.I don't think I'll ever be. My archs aren't good enough and my legs get tired so easily! Are you?

Laci said...

Oooo- sorry about ballet! I know how you feel, with evil comparing and all- I used to be so easil triggered to think "why is she so thin, happy, elegant and social?" While I'm over here starving and being lonely and miserable? Well, it's pretty obvious, as much as we hate to admit it, people are born with different body types! It's absolutely fine to for some one (ED-less) to look different- it's only important that you LOVE YOURSELF!!! :) Yah, I hate going out for the most part too, I don't really "play it safe anmore" like you too, it's just stressful and I get anxious and feel like the people around me are staring my down. :( Haha, I loved your attitude in this post- aside from the ballet. Nuts aren't exactly photogenic- yet, PB drizzled on almost anything is! :)
Enjoy your weekend dear Kiki, much love ;)

Mel said...

aw girl, i'm sorry about ballet :-( comparing is no good at all-- i know it's hard, but try to just focus on yourself, maybe on a part of your body that you really like. Yummy yummy eats today, I'll have to try those lemon oats to switch up my regular PB&J ;-)

Nancy said...

Omg seriously?! The cherry one tastes bad?! D: How bad, exactly? Like cherry medicine bad? Lol. Wow, you're so lucky to dance on pointe! I've been dreaming to be on pointe for uh...a really really long time! And I am still not able to, because my ankles aren't strong enough. Bleh :(

lesley said...

Lovely looking eats, my dear! : )

Pammy said...

I am sorry ballet was trigger- I know exactly how that feels. The month I played volleyball this year I compared every part of my body to everyone else on the team.

Much love

p.s. West Nottingham is my top choice!!!

Breaking Free said...

Oh Kiki I am so sorry to hear that ED beat you up today! Those mirrors can be such a major pain!
I don't know if this will help but whenever I was struggling with comparing myself to others, the counselors at the EDU would always remind me about my height. They would always say, "but your so TALL, Raina!" Sometimes this would help put things in perspective because I would realize that I am always comparing myself to shorter girls. Of course they are going to have different body types! They don't have the long, elegant legs, tall stature that we do! It's almost like I completely forgot that I was tall when I was comparing myself. *NOTE* NO OFFENSE TO OTHERS WHO AREN'T AS TALL!! YA'LL ARE JUST AS BEAUTIFUL TOO!!

Also I just have to add that I saw your picture and hun you are NOT fat!! You look so pretty and so happy! ED is stupid!!
Love and hugs!

Burp and Slurp~! said...

wow! that corncake looks fab! I wonder if you can also use semolina flour or cornmeal for extra corniness?
I'm sorry about the triggering ballet class...but there's isn't anything to do about it except REJECT all triggering thoughts with all your might! you'll always be meeting such triggering girls in life, so maybe take this as training for the future...good luck, Kiki! you can absolutely do it!

Nancy said...

Haha, I tried cherry today. And I didn't enjoy the taste as much as coconut cream pie :( What are your favorites?

Megan said...

so sorry about your bad ballet day :( it's so hard to focus on how AMAZING you are when there is a negative, triggering moment, but it'll come to you. in most cases i find that the girl without her thighs touching is envying YOU for looking so healthy and beautiful instead of all skeletal.

& at least you had lots of tasty foods to brighten up your day :)