Sunday, March 1, 2009

Post #100

So this is very strange. Back when I made my blog, I thought it would be a sort of an experimental thing where I could post my new recipes/ food finds when I felt like it. I had no idea that blogging would become such a huge part of my life! From comparing my first couple entries to the ones I've made recently, I can clearly see what a enormously positive effect blogging has had on my recovery. I've gone from having smallish, perfectly measured and portioned meals, to eating what and how much food I want, whenever I feel hungry. Also I can tell that blogging has really let my personality come out again. When I first started blogging I still wasn't completely aware of the fact that I could be my own person, not just an isolated ED-zombie. But I've slowly figured out what makes me me, and I really enjoy posting it on here! I'm sure that I never could've gotten to 100 posts if it wasn't for all the support, reassurance, advice, and laughs that you have all given me. So thank you!

For breakfast this morning I had an apple with cheese and another Puffin muffin. They have a slightly more pronounced PB flavor when they're room temperature.

I also had a bowl of coconut blueberry chai oats! I cooked my oatmeal in coconut thai chai tea, and topped it with plain yogurt, bluebs, and flaked coconut. Yummers.

For lunch, I made Fay's signature carrot & PB sammich, but used sunflower seed butter instead of PB. T'was delish. I also had a Voskos yogurt, trek mix bar, and a minneola.

I'm not feeling as starving as I was yesterday today, but I'm still pretty hungry today. Throughout the day I snacked on many handfuls of honey nut cheerios and a bit of dark chocolate. For my official snack, I had CC+applesauce on an english muffin. I had a spoon on sunflower seed butter on the side. When I first tried SSB I was like hmm, this is weird, how will I finish the jar? But it's growing on me and I really want some right now..

For dinnah I made broiled polenta with mushrooms and cheese. Omgz, so good! I didn't have porcini so I just used more regular shrooms. I like how mushrooms get all chewy when you cook them. On the side I had a big hunk of french bread and steamed spinach.

The thing I wanted to talk about yesterday is jeans. Jeans are scary for me because during the worse of my ED, I had several pairs of jeans that hung off of my bony frame, even with a belt. Even though I've gained weight, these couple pairs of jeans still fit me because they were so loose on me while I was restricting. But this past week, one pair ripped and another had a button fall off from too much wearing, I suppose. My mom told me that she would buy me a new pair or two. So yesterday after lunch, we went jeans shopping. I was emotionally attatched to the jeans that fell apart. Even though they weren't ED's ideal size, I still felt skinny enough wearing them because they were the jeans I wore when I had a really low BMI. So, I was really nervous to buy a new pair because I didn't want to have to see the size that ED equates with failure.

I ended up buying a size that I'm okay with. I was talking with Fay and told her that I thought it was because the store I bought them from was making their sizes larger. Fay then proceeded to knock some sense into my brain by telling me that no, it was not the store making their clothes bigger. It was me being small enough to fit the stupid things! I mean, just yesterday I said I noticed in ballet how skinny I looked. I wore the jeans today and gave myself a good look in the mirror. They are too loose. Obviously this makes ED very happy because it means that I'm getting "the attention I deserve" for being sick enough. But then I thought that loose jeans are not attractive on me. I have no butt, and who really likes that besides ED? What are the advantages to staying skinny enough to make these jeans hang off of me? None. My body won't be able to support children. I'll be too tired for ballet. I'll be too tired for cello. I'll spend my day thinking of ways to stay small enough to fit the jeans. I'll isolate myself again.

Conclusion: I have absoulutely no reason to base my self worth and mood on a pair of jeans. It may make me feel nice now to have loose jeans, but in the long run, it'll bring about many problems and I'll regret it.

Whew. All done. I'm crossing my fingers for a snow day tomorrow! It's supposed to start snowing around midnight and continue through til morning, accumulating 3-6 inches. Woopee! Good night, all!


Anonymous said...

good for you for realizing that the jeans you were attached too were when you were at a very low weight! im so proud of you girlie :)

great eats! as always - interesting bar, i dont think i have seen it anywhere!

Jemima said...

Fingers crossed for snow!

Congratulations on the 100th post - quite a milestone! Reading your blog has taught me and inspired me so much - you probably don't realise the impact your own progress has had on others but you are an absolute star.

And you introduced me to polenta - IT'S LIKE MASHED POTATO - aaaaah!!! <33333 New fave!

Totally get the jeans thing - remember my little schizo attack a while back over them? Just remember that we define our clothes, they don't define us! xxxx oooh and i'll do the fashion tag thing tomorrow!

tinyirishdancer said...

I think you should have a blog partay. Yep. And pass around a plate of those PB muffins.

Shucks! I keep meaning to try that sammich, since Fay makes it sound sooo good, but always forget to pick up carrots at the dern grocery!

That's it. I'ma head downstairs.

Okay. It's on the shoppin' list, now.

Moving on!
Yikes. I detest jeans, actually. They just aren't comfy for me. But I do remember going clothes shopping a few months in to recovery. It was difficult, but I felt absolutely fab afterwards!
Kudos on tha shoppin', girl. =D

Oh, in reply to your comment...I can't do blind weigh ins, because our insurance is messed up and we have to pay full price to go to the hospital, for now. Cost-wise, it just isn't doable to go in that often. =/
I really need to figure out how to face the anxiety, besides. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it on Tuesday, hopefully.

Okay. My tummy is SERIOUSLY rumblin', now. Your foodies just look too dern delicious. =]
Time for din din!

<3 ya, girlie - Have a lovely evening!!

Jess :) said...

Oooh, I am hoping for snow too! We are supposed to get around that amount too. Haha, I hope we both have off! :) I love this post esp. because of what you're saying about the jean topic. You are SO right! Jean shopping can be very, umm, volatile? Is that the right word? Anyways, you know what I mean! The fact that you are remaining positive is so fantastic and I am really looking up to you Kiki. You are doing so amazing lately girlie! Keep it up :) Yummy eats too!!!
<3 jess :)

lesley said...

Congrats on post number 100 : )

I hope you get to have a snow day tomorrow!!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on 100 posts!

I did the same thing when I made 100, I looked back and realized that I am getting so much better! Horray for blogging!

Erin said...

yayyyyy for 100 posts!
yayyyyy for jeans being a goood thing

yayyyy you.

why do your oats always look so perfect!?




<3 loveeeeee

Mel said...

congrats on your 100th post girl!! you are seriously so inspiring and I'm so glad you've kept with it-- I love your blog!!

and i'm so glad you had that realization about the jeans! You are SO much more than numbers, on a tag, or on a scale. Refuse to be defined by them!! Have a great night girlie <3

just me said...

great job w/ getting those new jeans and being comfortable! i have def gone through something of the same but we shall prevail!!

Laci said...

Happy 100 girlie! I am so proud of how far you've come, from restricting small portions to listening and livving your life through recovery, congats to an amazing friend! :D
I am PREYINg for snow tom, I haven't had a snow day at all this year, boo, now let's keep our fingers crossed!
I love love love your eats, especially how ED didn't control them! I've been trying to do the same, sometimes I'm sucessful and ED says "thant was so much and you were so sedate" but I brush him off, sometimes he takes the wheel and I hide in the dark. I'm hoping to work on making it ALWAYS be ME 100% listening and thrivving like you are doing so beautifully soon... I'll start in the morning!
I used to think if I ate what I wanted I'd become even "f*tter" and still depressed and disliked, little did I know it would help my recovery by a ton, I hope you are feeling so confident about these impressive desciions. You've (and everyone else)helped me so much in this blogging world, I am trying my best to share the part. :)
As for the jeans, I totally hear you. I have these "HJappy camper ED jeans" that were like, the only pair I fit during my lowest of ED. I thought I looked so beautiful and people wouild be jelous of my tiny @$$, little did I know they would think, not only do I isolate but also am unusually skinny and short-ish for my age, but I don't think they realised what I was trudging through as much as I was screaming inside. It was- sometimes still is- a very depressing time in my life, and it's all thanks to this evil, manipulative disease that keep reminding me the consequences of breaking free of his clutch. Well, I can and I will. I am determined lie h*ll to get out and stay put in the REAL world to REALLY live, finally, and be "normal" and just GROW in every area. Ok, ebough of my lecturing, I'm just glad you realised it was silly to obsess over a pair of jeans and you were able to move on. I have a similar story I will try to remember to share, but right now I have to go to sleep in case of the dreaded school tomorrow! Lots of love, Laci ;)

Maya said...

congrats on 100th post! love the coconut oats! my favorite oatmeal topping:)

it is so important that we dont let ed make us feel special for looking too thin in clothes or jeans,i find myslelf feeling only special if my legs look a certain way or my arms are so tiny they almost look like a child. it is ed telling us we are "special" at low body weights but that is not true we must combat those negative thoughts with healthy ones,like a healthy body is beautiful.

you are an inspiration each day reading your blog and progress and how well you do is so amazing! love you

Pammy said...

congrats on 100 posts! im really proud of you for not letting a pair of jeans ruin your day. you have made so much progress and are such an inspiration.

aussirish said...

hi girlie
im so proud of you for making that realization about the jeans :) im so proud of you!
great eats too , that breakfast muffin looks so tasty!!
love you lots

Breaking Free said...

Kiki major congrats on your 100th post!! I am so happy to have been apart of your little blogging life and in seeing you conquer your ED one day at a time. You are O-MAY-ZING!!

As always your recipes are brilliant and I am definitely going to be looking through your older posts for ideas. I am in a huge food rut these days and just want to learn how to cook! Auggh!

On the jeans issue, I totally understand. I place a lot of attachment towards my jeans and get really upset when I cannot fit into my smallest pair. Plus it is REALLY triggering whenever I hear other tall girls talk about the size of their jeans. If they wear a smaller size than me I just feel so fat and depressed. I just have to learn to accept that everybody's body is built differently and I need to focus on what is right for me. Thank you for not mentioning the size though:)

Don't stop blogging girl!! Your recovery is such an inspiration to us all! Plus I feel like I have made a new friend who helps me through some tough times.

Jess :) said...

Yeah I have a snow day too! It's so pretty. And, I tried Kath's whipped banana oatmeal (instead of how I do it..I did it on the stove and turned out to be the best oatmeal I may have ever had!) Have fun today!
<3 jess :)

Anonymous said...

Hi princess! Congrats on your 100th post - you're a star!!

CC and English muffin YAY!! I'm glad you realized that the number on your jeans isn't you! YOU are so much more than that which is why we love you so much on the blogosphere :)