Thursday, March 26, 2009


Hola, mis amigas. Sorry for not posting yesterday. It was really rainy and windy (where is spring??) and my power got knocked out. Even though we have underground cables. I was sitting at the computer, typing a comment and the lights went out :[ They didn't come back on until 11 at night. So I'll probably post tomorrow night to make up for it. I am so glad it's Friday! This week seemed to stretch on forever. Probably because it's the week before the week before spring break and it always lasts forever. Sorry for not coming up with a new acronym, I'm so tired.

For breakfast among other things, I had oats topped with strawberries, dark choco chips, and HN cheerios. That seems to be the combo to turn to on school mornings.

Lunch was a PB+cran apple butter sammich, cauliflower, TJ's French Village yogurt, and a trek mix bar.

Ack! My afternoon snack was also typical. Whole wheat english muffin with mozarella (out of cottage!) cheese & applesauce, spoon of sunflower seed butter and strawberries. I seem to be in a food rut for every meal except dinner. But I honestly like what I eat..

Dinner was one of those challenge meals that I've been planning with my mom. She's trying to get my sister Allison to cook more, so Allison helped me make this. It's spaghetti pie from OK, So Now You're a Vegetarian. I don't use this cookbook much because I got it when I first went veg and was still dependent on a lot of cheese and eggs, versus fresh exotic veggie dishes. It does have some good recipes though. This was basically smart taste pasta with parmesan, then a layer of ricotta, then a layer of pasta sauce, and finally a layer of melted mozarella. So basically lasagna but with spaghetti. I had it with steamed spinach.
It was quite good! I'm okay with a sprinkle of cheese on my pasta, but having it in major amounts like this is a fear of mine. I reminded myself that non-ED people eat things much worse than this is restaurants without a second thought. I used to love things like this too. So I took a nice big slice and enjoyed every bite! Whoot!

For dessert/first part of PM snack I had a key lime pie Larabar. I like this flavor, but it never tastes like key lime pie to me. It always seems more coconut-ish? Anyway, it doesn't compare to apple pie!

Today was sort of rough for a Friday. At lunch I was sitting with my friend, L, and her best guy friend, M. L used to be my best friend, but of course once ED began I started isolating myself from everyone and we drifted apart. Now that I actually want friends again, I can't remember why I ever wanted to be L's friend in the first place. We've hung out a few times recently and we can't even keep a conversation. So actually, she's probably only my acquaintance now. She's one of the few people I've ever told about my ED, although I think most people know I have one based on how I looked last year. Anyway, M was being stupid and said "Dur hurrr how do I count calories?" I know he was just kidding, he doesn't give a crap about calories. Then L said "I dunno, ask Kiki." Then M said "Oh right, I should've known."

Infuriating! I was so upset that I got up and left the table. I've accepted that people are stupid when it comes to EDs and think they're just about counting calories and being skinny. I realize that they don't know when a comment like that could be triggering or hurtful. What bothers me is that I'm still thought of as the anorexic girl. When will I stop being seen as the calorie-counting one, and start being seen as Kiki? This. Ends. Now. I am so sick of being defined by my disorder. First I was doing it to myself, telling myself that I wasn't worth it if I didn't look "sick enough". Now I realize that people have been doing it to me for a year. I am finally starting to see who I am without my ED, and I'm ready for everyone else to see it too. From now on, I will not place my self-worth on what size I wear, what my BMI is, or how skinny I look. That's not how I want other people to see me, so I shouldn't see myself that way.

Mkayy now I'm going to go curl up with a nice cuppa' tea. Make sure to check out the Pure Bar Giveaway on Carrot 'n' Cake. Good night!


Anonymous said...

I am sorry about those two kids--that is really frustrating isn't it? But just view it as a positive thing--a push to try and get over this ED "image" and just being yourself. Great eats and love your oats! Your dinner looks quite delish :)

<3 jess :)

Sharon said...

Awh, so sorry to hear about that! Try not to focus on it too much, I am sure they didn't mean any harm and didn't know they had got you the wrong way!

Peanut Butter and Jenny said...

Kiki - that story is awful and if L was a true friend she definitely would not have said that. I'm glad you were able to be the bigger person and not react - but I think maybe you need to reconsider who you sit with at lunch. Comments like that are NOT OKAY and you do not deserve to have silly immature little people effect you like that. I hope you are feeling better my love and let me know if you want to talk any more about it (of if you want me to give L a piece of my mind ;)!!)

have a good night precious! xoxo -Jenny

Anonymous said...

Kiki mah love!

Okay, that was a REALLY insensitive comment - espesh for someone you confided in about your ED! If my best friends ever said ANYTHING close to that to someone else, I'd be really really really upset. You have every right to be frustrated.

However...sweetie, I think it's WONDERFUL that this allowed you to see that you no longer want to be defined by this dreadful disorder. Sure, people might still see you that way - but the farther away you drift from it, the less and less people will associate you with it. It takes time, it takes progress, but sooner or later, you will be Kiki, not Kiki the Anorexic or something along those lines.


Stef said...

Ugh I'm so sorry those two were being morons tonight! You don't deserve to be around that..Keep up the great attitude you have! I'm proud of you for eating the cheese dish your sis made...and loving it! <3

Maya said...

that dinner looks so good,you deserve to eat whatever you want! we all do:) iam sorry about those kids.thats so annoying:( love you so much..have a great weekend!!

aussirish said...

hi hun
sorry about those kids being mean, theyre just being immature and childish...your doing all you can to escape this ed, so take no notice of stupid comments like that!
great eats :) way to go on challenging yourself at din dins!
have a nice friday night :)
much love

Lexi said...

Ahhh! I agree with the other bloggers: try not to focus on what happened. I am so sorry you had to experience that.

Great eats today! Stay POSITIVE!!! You can do it!

Anonymous said...

It's a shame about those two kids.
Great east today.
Way to go with the pasta challenge!!!

amy. said...

Hey Kiki, cutie!

I am so, so sorry for the comment made towards you @ lunch on Friday. Comments like that either fuel ED, or fuel the desire to BREAK from ED. And you chose the latter, which is beautiful, baby, just beautiful. Something that really resonates with me is the notion or idea that if I continue this game of weight, body, fat complaints, calories, etc within my own mind and display it to the world by being sickly, then all I will have created for myself is the identity of "unwell, ill, sick", THE ANOREXIC in the mind's of people I know. I know this is not what I want. I want to mean something to people, essentially. And I know that deep down, I don't want my significance to be how sick and thin I am. I know that you know that too.

Much love. Im sorry I don't comment much, but I adore you, and think of you as a little sister. Baby girl--I am HERE. Promise.


Anonymous said...

I'm really sorry about that comment, but at least it made you really think about your decisions on recovery and weight. You are really inspiring and I love that you aren't going to be defined as a number! Hell yes girl =)

Don't apoligize for the repeats, eat what you love!

lesley said...

It's been cold and windy here too ... and I'm ready for that Spring weather : )

Nancy said...

You're right to be upset with that comment. But it's great that you'll use this to push yourself into becoming yourself and not an image of ED.

I also thought the keylime pie larabar had a bit of coconutty taste in it. But that's only because there were coconuts in it! But I did taste some sourness in it (I've never had a keylime pie before). So I guess that KLP for me!

Anonymous said...

Out of cottage cheese?! I would have cried! Sorry to hear about your friends rude comments :( Sometimes I don't think people have verbal filters over what comes out of their mouths!

Anonymous said...

oh, dear. I totally understand and empathize you on that! ppl treat ED as a joke sometimes and it quickly becomes a label that sticks and it's HORRID. but I'm sure they just didn't realie how insensitive they're being. let them know how you feel, and I'm sure they'll understand. next time they amke another crack though, just try to ignore it and laugh along. they'll see what a good humor you have and soon forget about it.
btw, LOVE the triple cheese action going on that pasta! I LOOOOOVE cheese!

Tori said...

I'm sorry that people you thought were friends hurt your feelings. Honestly though, I doubt they meant it to be offensive. You are a very empathetic and caring person Kiki, and you understand that saying some things might hurt someone's feelings or make them uncomfortable. Not everyone your age gets that. A lot of kids just say whatever floats into their mind because they think it's funny or smart - they don't necessarily think twice first. I know I dealt with that a lot in high school - and it hurt me then too. But some kids really just aren't bright enough to realize that what they think is a cute little quip could really be a real cut at someone. I'm pretty sure that while it was insensitive, it wasn't meant to hurt you.

PS About your food ruts - don't wory. Most people eat a lot of the same things almost everyday, just for the sake of ease. Its okay. And if it makes you feel better - I have the same vegetables just about everyday. And when I first started recovery - literally the only things that changed in my meal plan were the flavors of ice cream/instant breakfast/frozen fruit in my shakes, and the type of jelly on my sandwiches. For the entire summer!::shakes head:: It hapens. The important thing is knowing that you aren't afraid of trying new things. That's difference between it being ED-related or not. if you can eat a different lunch or breakfast without fear - then you know you've been having what you've been eating because you like it, and not because it's just what ED says is okay.
Keep going strong girlie. And thank you so much for all the support and encouragement. You're amazing.

Baylee♥ said...

im very sorry to hear about your 'friend' acting this way. some people are so damn inconsiderate, and think that anorexia and eating disorders are something to take lightly. most definately not the case. people dont quite understand it..they're just like 'why is it so hard to eat..just eat a damn sandwich.' its not that easy. people need to learn how to grow up. true friends wouldnt have said anything like that.

Lauryn said...

kiki, sorry about that incident with your "friends" but honestly, it looks like you have some SO far and learned so much about yourself that you don't need people like that in your life! not to mention you had such a wonderful, positive, recovery-driven response to it -- they can take that! you're just awesome, don't forget it!