Monday, March 16, 2009

Breakfast for dinner

Heyyy lovelies. Sorry for not posting yesterday. I don't want to go into specifics but let's just say that some old overexercising habits got the best of me. I was not in the right state for blogging. Feeling better for the most part today.

I woke up earlier than normal this morning (accidentally) so I had extra time to make breakfast! I'm back to my big breakfasts for a couple days because I'm still afraid of getting hungry at school. I'll try to challenge myself more this weekend, though. This morning among other things I had blueberry cashew coconut oats! We've had a bottle of TJ"s 100% juice sparkling blueberry juice sitting in our pantry since Christmas and my parents cracked the bottle open just recently. So I cooked my oats in 1/2 c of that, and topped it with chopped cashews and flaked coconut. Mm mm mmmm.

This picture is from yesterday but it's exactly what I had today, but an apple instead of the pickle/ razzies. T'is a grilled whole wheat wrap filled with dill hummus, cream cheese, lettuce, cauliflower, carrots, and sundried tomatoes. So much better than a PB sandwich! Plus a kiwi lime passionfruit Rachel's (3rd favorite flavor) and a Zbar.

Before ballet, I had an apple with cheese. Afterward I had a cashew acai protect Think Fruit bar.
I quite liked this bar. I can't say that it had a strong berry taste though, the sweetness of the dates overpowered the acai I think. But, it did have really big chunks of cashews, which I love. And it was denser and less sticky than Larabars, which makes for optimum bar-breakage. I think I'll buy this again just because of the texture!

Ballet went badly again, along the lines as it did on Saturday. I feel so certain that this intuitive eating has made me gain masses of weight! I know that this is stupid and irrational and that I'm doing the right thing for my body, but I honestly don't care. I swear that every time I walk into that studio I look bigger. I can't even dance well because I feel like this new weight is just weighing me down. When I was twenty pounds lighter I could dance a lot more easily. I'm sorry for being so negative in all my recent posts! ED could be making me imagine all of this but he sure is good at making me believe it.

My dad was working late for dinner which means that me, my mom, and my sister had to have breakfast! We made orange french toast. I loved it, it reminded me of creamsicles! We only had crappy "lite butter" maple syrup, which I don't go for. So I topped my french toast with applesauce and a shmear of PB. Nom.

I also had a lot of this delicious fruit salad, made of strawberries, banana, grapes, canteloupe (which I avoided because it is vile!) and pinapple.

And for dessert I had a Thin Mint. At first I wasn't going to have any Girl Scout cookies because they have trans fat in them, but less than .5 g because it doesn't show on the label. Any food with trans fat is a major fear food for me. I convinced myself to have one because these only come once a year, and my dietitian/the girls in my group always tell me that there is no one food or ingredient that can make me fat. It was.. good. But not great.

Love you all lots! I'm off to do some HW and then watch GOSSIP GIRL!!! It's been too long... night!


Laci said...

sorry you struggled with exersize yesterday, glad u r back on track :) I am not much of a GG fan, IDK why... what do you like about it? :0

Breaking Free said...

Oh Kiki!! I really feel for you right now!! I am so sorry that this week has been bad for you! I also have been feeling kind of crappy lately and actually did something I shouldn't have this morning..erhem...I measured myself. I hate doing this because it is so negative and makes me body bash like no ones business and I DO NOT encourage you to do it EVER!! You hear me? Ever!! Anyways, even though I swear that I feel like I have gained, guess what? ED lies. I'm still the same. I haven't gained massive amounts of weight and my night time snack has not made me balloon overnight. And you know what? Neither have you!! ED is lying to you girl--you are not fat, you have not gained weight! Don't listen to the lies!!

Also, I have a suggestion for your brekkie dilemma. Have you ever tried moving some of your breakfast foods into your morning snack? Like maybe do a granola bar or something to substitute for the carby-thing or some extra fruit or a protein bar or something. Just a thought.

I really hope that this week gets better for you girl!!
Love and hugs!

lesley said...

Breakfast for dinner is always fun!!! : )

Jess :) said...

I am sorry this few days haven't been the best! I know you, you can get back on track in no time. I have a lot of FAITH in you. Yummy foodies as well. Great job with the girlscout cookie!!
<3 jess :)

Jess :) said...

Oh and thanks so much!! I had no idea I forgot. Hehe, night night!
<3 jess :)

Pammy said...

im a huge gg fan and i didnt even know it was on tonight. ill have to watch it another day because my beloved House is on at the same time.

Im sorry you struggled with exercise. I feel the same way about volleyball- that because I gained weight I couldnt jump as high or play as well as I did when I weighed less. I was talking to one of my friends about it and she gave me a huge reality check. She said it was all in my head- that I probably wasnt playing as well as I thought because I was so sick. Ed is playing tricks on you- dont let him lie to you.

Stay strong girl.
Much love

tinyirishdancer said...

Psh. Why are MY foodies so amazing?
Uhm. NOT.
Yours are equally full of awesome, chica. =]

Seriously? Booberreh oaties+cashews+coconut?
And orange french toast?



..I think you are!!

I'm sorreh about ballet. I used to feel the same about cross country - that, when I weighed less, I could run so much faster (and more of that sort of garbage).

In truth, with a healthier body, I could run both faster and longer. Your body simply cannot perform optimally without nourishment. It needs energy from SOMEWHERE, and if you aren't getting an adequate intake, it will basically cannibalize your muscles/organs.

Disgusting, when you think about it. And not worth it.

So. Spiel ovah.
I must go, now. The neighbors are being obnoxious on their piano, and I need to show them how it's done.

Luff ya, chica! Good luck on bread-bakin', and stealin' mah snickerdoodle recipe.

P.S. Why is cantaloupe vile..?

Anonymous said...

Sorry about ballet, sweetie ): Don't let it get to you! Stay strong, every day's a fight but it's sooo worth it <3

Listen, ED lies. Weight gain takes time - not a few days of eating intuitively (which is what we should all strive for, right??)!

Your din dins looks fantabulous!

Brooke said...

no need to apologize for skipping a day sweetie - i feel the same way at times :)

but for some reason we must be on the same ed schedule! eating intuitively, having crappy to okay days, feeling like you've gained loads of weight, etc. but after my therapy session tonight i have come to the realization that its all mental. until we get on a scale and see an actual weight increase - then there is no proof. i think the best we can do is to keep fighting these urges and tell ourselves that this is a long, long journey. and weight restoration is going to take time. but hang in there love, im always here for you.

on another note, fab eats today! i am loving this orange french toast! ill have to try that this week - i love orange anything. and im intrigued by your oats - did the blueberry flavor stand out?

hope you have a better day! all my love <3

Stef said...

It's funny (well not really funny...just coincidental) that you wrote about feeling like intuitive eating has made you gain weight and that you feel weighed down and unable to dance as well as when you were lighter! I was JUST complaining about this exact same thing to my therapist last week. I was honestly crying while I talked about how I feel so huge and how it makes it much harder for me to exercise and even just get around. He talked to me a lot about this phenomenon because neither of us are overweight in the slightest, but our minds/ED are playing tricks on us as we recover. I know it doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone with that feeling! I can't wait to watch Gossip Girl tonight too :)

Take care Kiki!!

Maya said...

great eats! do you always get your oats so perfect looking,seriously i must know how you do it:) love you

nourishing mornings said...

sorry your struggling girly dont listen to ed he lies dont let ballet bring you down you are so beautiful. yes you are doing the right thing for your body by nourishing it and eating intuitively you should be so proud of yourself.

that acai bar ive had before and i liked it alot it had a nice taste... the pb goji one is my fav! love you girly

aussirish said...

hi hun
sorry to hear you struggled yesturday and that ballet was hard but remeber each day is a new one and you can start over positivly each morning :) your doing a great job fighting!!
yummy eats, breakfast for din dins sounds good :)
enjoy GG
much love

MacKenzie said...

kiki! first of all, everything looks delish, as always!

sorry that you're struggling; rationally, i know you know that you aren't HUGE or gaining MASSIVE amounts of weight by eating intuitively. stay strong and keep resisting, or as i like to say sometimes too "fake it until you make it" -- keep pretending and trying and one day you'll believe it all!

hope today is better! xo

Tori said...

Ooh, french toast for dinner sounds awesome! You're so creative, I really admire how much variety you give yourself and how aren't afraid to have different things. I always have a big breakfast too - but for me its more like I am afraid of ahving to make up all the calories later in teh day - so I'd rather just have it done with first thing.
I intend on purchasing a new camera so I can do teh whole picturething - I think it would be so much more fun that way. I have a hard time allowing myself to buy things though, even when I need/want them. Especially since i no longer have a disposable income. But I know I need a new camera anyways, for my art portfolio. So hopefully if I tell myself that enough, I won't feel guilty when I make my little purchase.

Happy St.Patty's Day!

Ariad said...

Hey Kiki,
from a reformed ED woman, you're doing great! At least you are tackling it.
Somehow I believe that stuff like ballet actually contributes to ed. I did it for 17 years and seeing your self in the mirror and comparing yourself to othrs is all part of it.
The nutritional approach is good...BUT not the stooopid daily nutritional pyramid that dietitions tell you to stick yo. Look at food combining and at holistic/ naturopathic nutrition maybe.
I'm going to write a article about my experiences with ED soon on my blog so I'll let you know.
So much love to you girl.xxxx

Nancy said...

Cover your ears with your hands! And say "Nanananananaa, I can't hear you ED!". Just keep doing that whenever he strikes. You know you aren't fat, it's ED lieing to you. You are a great dancer. Plus, I'm jealous of you :) You dance on pointe, and Nancy still dances on flat shoes <_< SO DON'T EVER EVER EVER let that evil thing get to you.

Omgosh! Edamame is my favorite legume/bean thingie. I love how you can just pop the bean out from its shell xD

Wheee~! Breakfast for dinner! I've never had french toast in my life. :O Surprise surprise!! You can make me some though :)

Do you also have March break? XD

Baylee♥ said...

hey girlie!

first time reader but i will definately continue to read. you're so strong to be working on getting rid of your eating disorder now. i became anorexic at 14, and now im almost 19 and still struggling with it. im sorry to hear that the intuitive eating is making you feel fat :( you're not getting any's just Ed and his stupid way of trying to get into your head. ignore him. hes sooooo dumb. have a good week sweetie!

Mel said...

sorry to hear you're having a rough time right now girl :-( It seems like lots of people are having bad days lately, what's up with that?! Hang in there, don't let ED win!!! And all your food looks amazing, as usual :-) hope your week gets better. much love! <3

Burp and Slurp~! said...

don't get discouraged, kiki! you're still doing good! great job challenging yourself with the "trans-fat" factor! you eat so healthy all the time, a little trans fat here and there won't kill you!
also, now that you know you can get triggered during ballet, be EXTRA alert when you go for ballet classes! ED is everywhere trying to drag you down, but don't let him! each time you go to ballet, go with a fighter's spirit, and remember that you are a WARRIOR! go there with a mission to battle against all ED thoughts! you can do it, girl!

emily. said...

Mmm, nummy oats! Blueberry juice is delicious...well, the IZZE kind is. ;) I wonder where I can find the real stuff.

That toast looks yummy. Peanut butter+applesauce sounds better than maple syrup anyways.

Mmm, Girl Scout cookies are delicious. I hope you remember to enjoy them!

Glad you're feeling better! :D You have an award waiting for you over at my blog, so that might cheer you up even more. :D

Lyssy said...

I've never heard of Orange French Toast. XD It looks good though!
Yeah, transfats are a major fear for me too. Same thing with saturated fats. *shudder*
Stay strong!