Saturday, March 7, 2009

Hey there, stranger. Mega-long post alert!

Hello children! Sorry about my unannounced absence. You might have read on Morgan's blog that I've been struggling a bit over the past few days. Or well, more than a bit. From Thursday through this afternoon, I had urges to restrict and binge stronger that I've ever had since starting recovery. In group therapy on Thursday I think we figured out that I took everything too fast. I went from strict calorie counting to eating whatever, whenever, in one day. I thought I was doing really well for a few days, but then I became overwhelmed with guilt towards the huge steps I had just taken to become a normal eater (normal=fat=evil in ED's book). I'm happy to say that I didn't restrict/binge over the days I was gone! Avoiding those urges was the most challenging thing I've ever done and I needed a lot of distractions to pull it off. Whenever I felt triggered (which was pretty much all the time) I distracted myself with puzzles, drawing, cello, piano, shopping, and music. I also did a hell of a lot of walking! Not for calorie-burning purposes either, I just needed some time to myself to think about where I am in terms of recovery and make a plan for beating ED once and for all, which I did successfully. I also thought of where I want my life to go and realized that I couldn't do anything that I want to do if I bring my ED along with me. I couldn't spend my junior year abroad in London, or open a cafe with my best friend, or become fluent in Spanish. I don't want to be one of those anorexics at a healthy weight who dies all of a sudden, due to the stress suffering with an ED brings to your body. Sometimes I forget that I'm 14 and shouldn't have to think about these things. But I think that it's important that I do, because if I keep convincing myself that it's okay to live with my disorder then eventually the health consequences will catch up to me and I won't be getting any older.

And this brings me to: why I avoided blogging! Obviously I had a lot of life-changing things on my mind. I know it sounds dramatic, but if I don't become 100% committed to my recovery then the things I can do with my life will become extremely limited. Anyway, yeah, I didn't need to waste any brain space thinking about what food I was going to post each night. And plus, as I mentioned above, I was getting triggered really easily. I know that I would've came on here and compared my intake to other bloggers', and used it as an excuse to restrict/overexercise. I don't like feeling obligated to post everyday. When I do, I get really wrapped up in needing to make extravagant meals everyday, which just reinforces ED's opinion that food should only be eaten if it's "worth it". Food=fuel, that's all! So the point of this is that blogging everyday is not healthy for me right now. For the time being, I'm just going to post when I'm feeling strong enough to not get triggered by or obsessed with food blogging. Some weeks, that might be every day. Others, it could just be once or twice a week, or none at all. I feel awful about leaving you guys some days, but I know it's what I need right now! I've already made up my mind, but do any of you have other questions/comments/concerns/suggestions?

Whew, serious part is done! Now I know I said that I was trying not to obsess over food, but I found that making special food made me want to binge and restrict less. So here are various highlights from the past few days.

Yesterday morning I made blueberry-maple-cornbread oats. I topped my oatmeal w/ a small crumbled sliver of leftover cornbread (scroll for recipe), handful of bluebs, and drizzle of pure maple. Where has this been all my life??

This morning I tried to make puffin muffins. I used this recipe for vegan nanner muffins as we were out of eggs. I added 1.5 c of WHOLE puffins this time, and an extra couple tbs oil. I think I'm going to give up on making Puffin Muffins. It seems like such a cool idea, but the puffins never stay crunchy or very PB-y. If you crush them, they disappear when you bake them, and if you leave them whole, they get all chewy. The actual banana muffin was quite lovely and moist though.

Yesterday, I made roasted pecan-walnut butter. I just roasted 3/4 c each of walnuts and pecans and pureed them until smooth. I really like this! PB is more intense, while this is more.. warm? It's lovely on sammiches with cran-apple butter.

Okay, moving onto dinner! On Thursday, I made gnocchi with tomoto-feta sauce, using the sauce from this chicken recipe. The sauce doesn't look attractive, but it was yummers. And if you haven't every tried gnocchi, do! It's amazing potato-chewy pasta. Mmm.

I went Southern on Friday! I made vegan baked beans and custard cornbread. The beans were good but oh gosh, the cornbread was amazing! The bottom layer was like reg. cornbread but the top was creamy and well, custardy. I had raw veggies on the side.

And yesterday night I made cheddar cheese soup. This was pretty good and really creamy, but the cheddar taste didn't overwhelm me like I thought it would.

Ahahaha just writing this post has tired me out! And this stupid time change doesn't help matters... I'm sorry for skipping on commenting lately but I'll try to catch up on that soon!


Jemima said...

Hey beautiful, I'm so glad you posted, I was getting worried! But I figured you might be taking a 'time out' which is why I didn't plague you with 'WHERE ARE YOU???' messages ;-) I have so much respect for the way you've handled the past few days and your honesty in this post - hun, you just need to do what feels right for you - and if that means posting less regularly, it's cool! I can relate to sometimes feeling like you have to make 'exciting' food to blog about - sometimes I end up making something I'm not really feeling like because what I truly want isn't going to be aesthetically pleasing.. weird, eh?
Anyway I love you LOADS and I think you're awesome. <3 massive hugs, xxx

Gaby said...

kiki! I love you and you should feel so proud of yourself right now. distracting yourself is exactly what you need to do because there are so many better things to spend your time and energy on. I love puzzles, and actually i do some easy yoga when i need to relax. It's funny that I need someone on a youtube video to remind me to stop and BREATHE, but sometimes I just can't do it on my own. and you're right, you're 14, and I"m so sorry you're being plagued by this when you deserve to be enjoying your teenage years worry free and having as much fun as possible! You have so much growing and experiencing to do, don't let this get in your way. And really, with those creative and scrumptious recipes, how could anyone restrict???? I am totally making that oatmeal and the cornbread, OMG. And gnocchi's have to be my favorite thing ever, and are great because I love them so much I"ll have 3 servings at once.
Interesting thing about gnocchi: in Argentina, it's a custom to eat them on the 29th of every month and put money under your plate to bring you good luck and prosperity in the coming month. I do it every month, no fail, you should try it!
I love reading your blog, but only blog when you feel like you need to or want to write. You're not obligated to us or anyone, the blog is all about YOU, your benefit. If you do need to chat outside of blogger world, do email me at
Stay strong, beautiful and big hugs!!

Anonymous said...

Congrats on not giving into the urges!! Keep on pushing, girlie! You can over come all of this!

You have been very busy in the kitch! Everything looks delicious!

Mel said...

i'm so glad you took some time off for yourself girl!! i've been thinking about doing this lately too, because what's the point in blogging if you feel like it's an obligation, or if you feel like you'll be comparing yourself to others? I totally stand by this community as a HEALTHY outlet, but sometimes we all just need a break, you know? you absolutely did the right thing and you should feel free to do WHATEVER you want, WHENEVER you wanna when it comes to YOUR blog. Hooray for getting through the tough times without bingeing or restricting!! That is a huge accomplishment-- I'm so proud of you!! Keep on doing what you're doing and you'll be living that free life that you envision for yourself before you know it-- traveling? opening a cafe?? Your future holds so much promise girl- don't let ANYthing, ESPECIALLY ED take that away from you. Have a great night!! <3

Jess :) said...

Hello there beautiful! I was getting worried about you too. I think the right thing to do is just take a break. You are such a smart girl, and I know you will take care of yourself. Whether that means blogging once a week or once a day, I know you can and will do the right thing. Lovely foodies and I hope you keep on fighting. You are gonna beat this Kiki!
Much Love
~jess :)

Laci said...

Heya Kiks!
Oh hon I'm sorry you werestruggling over the past few days, please don't feel obligated to blog! Of course we all love hearing from you and your "journey", but it's not mandatory to do nightly if YOU don't really want to! I still love the idea of "Puffins Muffins", I wouldn't ind for them to be blended into the muffin, but I wish they could remain with a little crunch. Maybe we could put just one puffin on top or in the middle of each muffin, and see how they turn out? Oh, and cool nutbutter! I'm BEGGING for vitamix for my birthday (which is WEDNESDAY 3/11!!! :D) and if you look at their web site, they have pretty cool tuorial videos of how verstile the "blender" is! (Including a nutbutter one!) Anyways, I hope you enjoy your week. Lots of love, Laci ;)

Okie said...

Hey girlie! Do you think it would be beneficial to only post food when you feel like it? Like to use this as more of a journal rather than a food blog?
I'm sure no one minds that you are doing what is right for you and taking time off—because "be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." -Dr. Seuss
That was a super random comment, sorry! Have a great day!

Anonymous said...


Do what your heart tells you to do. Only you know what's best love.


Nutritious is Delicious said...


Just found your blog and love it!

Stay Strong!

Breaking Free said...

Oh Kiki I've missed you so!! But I think that your decision is the best one for your health right now. It's really easy for me to get triggered on here too, especially when it comes to comparing foods and the way that other people look. Honestly sometimes I get triggered into wanting to go backwards because I see how others are struggling on here. So then I start thinking, well I should be struggling too, what's wrong with me, I am getting better too fast!! And then I freak out and start worrying. But what I've realized is this--I am afraid to be a "normal eater". I am still under the impression that it is wrong. This is an area that I really need to work on--normal is good.
Anyways I fully support your decision to take some time off. Focus on yourself and who you are and what Kiki wants. Then once you are able to firmly plant your feet in the ground and not be swayed, maybe you can start posting more regularly again. I'm also taking a little bit of time off because I'm losing sight of who I am. ED is trying to convince me that recovery is not a good thing, that it's not normal. But I know that is a lie.
Kiki I have NO DOUBTS that you have the strength, ability and knowledge to beat ED!! You are unbelievably strong!!
I will be praying for you!
Love and hugs girl!

Anna said...

Good for you for taking the time that you needed to sort your head out. You need to do what's right and healthy for YOU. The blogging community will be right here waiting for you when you know that posting is a good idea.

You've had some awesome food the past few days. Keep thinking positively and have an awesome week!

tinyirishdancer said...

I missed ya, girlie. You had me worried, thar!

ED hates change. It means that he's losing his vicegrip on you. And the fact that you've stayed strong even though he's been throwing a tantrum...well, that must scare the bejeezus outta him.

So..I can completely understand why you avoided blogging.
It really does take a lot of time and brainage, which isn't doable when you're under that much stress.

Gah, I'm so proud of ya, Keekers. You may not see it, but you're handling this beautifully. =]

Oh, and btw: I will conveniently glance the other way whilst you and Em are noshing my peach cobbler IF you share your gnocchi.


Luff ya, girlie, and take care of yourself!
(HINT: GET.A.PEDICURE.NOW. Ohmigosh. They are full of awesome.)

nourishing mornings said...

cornmeal oats yum! i can relate to you alot i also feel like i have to eat exciting food so i can blog...sometimes i dont feel like blogging because i just want my food to be random and not so perfect...well love you loads!

aussirish said...

hi hun
i was getting worried even though morgan mentioned about your absence. im so so sorry youve been having a hard time but im glad youve been fighting so hard and making some life changing realizations. its good you figured out what triggered this bad spell and are giving yourself the time you need to banish the ed thoughts. what you said about not bieng able to do anything in the future if you have an ed is so true and such a huge motivator to beat this once and for all. im so so proud of you for how your handling everything kik and at the end of the day youve gotta do whats right for you with blogging and everything else. if taking a break from blogging or not posting your foodies or just blogging occasionally is what you choose, i fully support your decision, i just want you to be happy and healthy girlie.
you still have your whole life ahead of you and have had alot to deal with at such a young age but i think its made you such a strong,wise person and i know you will reach full recovery.
keep fighting hun and take care of yourself ok
i love you loads

Anonymous said...

Hi Kiki! Thanks for commenting on my blog (:

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling! However, I'm so glad to hear that you didn't give in to ED's silly temptations and stayed strong! One day at a time, right?

And you're right - gnochi (sp?) is so so so good! Unfortunately, it has become a huge fear food for me, one that I haven't tackled yet ):

emily. said...

Yay, you're back! *hug*

Congrats on being so strong. ♥ I don't know if I could have been so strong and not given in. It takes a lot of heart and courage to do it and you did!

That's why laying off the blogging is totally understandable. You've been super strong lately and you deserve a break. Making meals everyday that even Emeril couldn't make is really tiring.

Your food looks yummy!
Especially your southern cuisine. ;)

Have a great day, chica! <3333
Take care of yourself.

lesley said...

You just post whenever you want to or feel like you can/should and we'll all understand! : )

I can definitely see how food blogging could in some instances actually make things worse and cause a "problem" when there wouldn't have been one if you had just not put so much thought into food to blog, etc. Very understandable, girl!!

Hope you have a great Monday : )

Anonymous said...

I have been feeling the same way - I would see what others are eating and think hmm..maybe Im eating too much? I would avoid certain foods because I had it the day before! insane!! So i took a little break too :)

Erin said...

alll i have to say is i'm happy you're back.

i read your entiiiiiire post & i think you did what was best girl

i'm also SO thankful that you supported my brother's fund you have NO IDEA how much that means to me it put a smile across my face ear to ear!

glad you're back and ready to make me drool with your divine breakfasts' and BANGIN dinners!!!!


Anonymous said...

kiki! i know EXACTLY what you mean. after posting every single day, i knew i had to stop because i was becoming obsessed with posting and taking pictures of every single morsel i put into my mouth and pre-planning everything for my next post, etc. etc. we DON'T need another obsession related to food don't ya think? so, don't feel obligated to blog when you KNOW that it's not going to benefit YOU. this is all ultimately for YOUR recovery and you should do whatever it takes whether that means blogging more or less, etc. i love you so much and support you in all that you do. take care! :)