Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Happy square root day!

School = excellent distraction. I woke up this morning absoulutely loathing myself. We had a two hour delay because the roads were still icy so I had extra time in the morning. I actually stood in front of the mirror and pointed out every place where "If I just lost a bit of weight, that would look much better." It's really hard for me to get out of the body bashing mood when I'm at home, just sitting around, so I was glad to go to school for once! I didn't want to loose all the progress I've made in the past week or so, and as soon as I got to school I started trying to find ways to get out of my negative mindset. My English teacher said something about today being square root day (03 x 03 = 09) so my fixation became square roots. Every time a negative thought started to creep in, I looked around the classroom until I found a number and then figured out whether it was a perfect square or not. And if it wasn't I looked for another number, and another and another and another. Pretty strange, but it kept my brain occupied enough to get the ED voices out.

I also managed to distract myself by talking to one of my best friends. We don't have any classes together this semester so we haven't had a chance to catch up lately. She hadn't been responding to any of my texts so I was really worried that I had done something to make her not want to be my friend anymore! But I talked to her during lunch today and it turns out that she was just busy with tutoring and lacrosse. So I freaked myself out for nothing! I've lost most of my friends to ED and I'm terrified of losing the only ones I have left.

I'm feeling okay now. Not overly positive but I don't hate myself. I'm proud that I recognized that ED was trying to undo all the progress I've made with intuitive eating and replace it with restricting, and did something to stop it! Even if I did it in an extremely odd way, I proved to myself that my will to recover is much stronger than any of ED's pestering!

As part of breakfast today, I made gingerbread oats! I cooked my oatmeal in gingerbread tea, then added 1/2 tbs molasses, cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, allspice, bluebs, and a spoonful of toffee-oatmeal stuff from yesterday. Scrum.

AM snack was almonds. Lunch was a chocolate banana PB sammich, carrots, a Trek mix bar and Chobby Wob. I'm eating carrots this week because I forgot to buy cauliflower. But orange is a nice color, perhaps I wouldn't mind it?

It was so amazingly cold walking home today so when I got home I wanted something warm! I had a packet of Kashi cinnamon and something other, I forget, oatmeal with pumpkin (haha again with bad orange veggies) mixed in. I also had an apple with string cheesay.

May I just tell you how lovely it is to not have to eat dinner in the car on the way to therapy this week? Extremely. My mom suggested that I challenge myself with pizza one day this week and that day was today. She bought Mystic pizza. I hate hate hate the thought of packaged frozen pizza! So full of salt and refined flour.. This one didn't actually have any preservatives/HFCS/trans fats so I felt slightly better. I'm glad I challenged myself, since I used to like pizza like this a lot, but it was just okay. I could've made a better one! I also had a salad of lettuce, black beans, carrots, sundried tomatoes and papaya poppyseed dressing.

I decided that this was not enough food, so now I'm munching on a slice of toast with SSB and honey nut Cheerios! See my orange hand?? Teeeeeeeeeehh.

I have to admit, I'm feeling very accomplished with myself right now because I know I haven't eaten as much as I have been over the past couple days. I wasn't as hungry today, so I must be a few hundred cals under what I had yesterday and the day before. Urgggg, I can't wait until I feel accomplished over things that actually matter, like getting a job or volunteering, rather than how many calories I eat! Not that I've been counting though.

Thanks for reading my several rants! I'm going to watch bad TV, night!


Peanut Butter and Jenny said...

ahh my darling Kiki I am so sorry you struggled with negative thoughts today but i am INCREDIBLY proud of you for having the strength to distract yourself and not allow ED to consume your mind! <3 xoxo

Sharon said...

Great job with the pizza. You are so great! And oh wow, chocolate banana PB????? Dudddee, I want some.

Keep smiling Kiki!

Stef said...

Good for you! Pizza is a fear food for me too, but ESPECIALLY when the control over ingredients is out of my hands! Being vegan kinda limits the pizza options to generally health(ier) frozen food brands like Amy's, but I know how you must have felt when you ate it! I'm glad you were able to recognize the tricks ED was playing with your mind and that you worked up the strength to fight ED off with some tricks of your own!

Anonymous said...

good job for talking to your best friend - its the best way to get your feelings out :)

LOVE the pb with cheerios

Mel said...

aw girl, i'm so sorry you had a bad thought day :-( But yay for pulling through it!!!! Don't worry about being super hungry-- it definitely comes and goes and balances itself out with the intuitive eating process. You're gonna be fine! And haha, I love all of your orange foods. It IS a pretty color... maybe it'll make you look tan....? maybe?

Pammy said...

i am sorry you had a hard time today but i am really proud of you for all you accomplished. you should be proud of yourself too.

my dad called me in the middle of the day today to tell me that it was square root day haha

Anonymous said...

Isn't it hard to stay away from those orange veggies?! I find it impossible!

Jess :) said...

I am sorry the negative thoughts were hitting hard today! It's okay, tomorrow will be better! You did great with trying to distract yourself, hehe square roots. That's awesome! Love your foodies today Kiki. I hope your night is wonderful!!
<3 jess :)

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you've been having a rough day. Kudos to you for a. recognizing it and b. not giving into Ed's thoughts!! Great job on the pizza AND continuing on with intuitive eating :)

Erin said...

seeeeee pretty woman, the metabolism willll even out!
just give it time!

sorry your say started suckky though. i love ya woman dont let ED getcha down!
your food looks fab
and guess what

i get orange too!
hahah its half because i'm anemic but the fact i eat so many carrots & pumpkin sure doesnt help!


orange is a LOVERYLLY color i must say ;)

Brooke said...

hang in there sweetie! our bodies have a mind of their own. but you are making so much progress each day! and keep on smiling :) you are beautiful, inside and out!

delicious eats today! i love oatmeal anytime of the day [i actually just had a bowl] yum i love how warm and comforting it is. and fantastic job overcoming the fear of frozen pizza! if you love it, girly you eat it :D i know
ingredients are always very difficult for me - more than anything because im such a purist/naturalist [but i think its really orthorexia]

i hope you take care of yourself and yell back at ed if he is being mean! love you! sweet dreams <3

tinyirishdancer said...

Mum literally JUST informed me that it's square root day.

And the next one is 4/4/16.


My god. I'll be an old fart by then.

Anyhow. I'm sorry that ED got a few words in edgewise. You've been doing so fabulously, he was bound to panic and throw a tantrum.
But you handled it beautifully. =]

Hmm. I don't actually find square-rooting (verbed!) very odd - numbers can be VERY distracting.

Mhmm. There should be a fan club for that chokkie-PB-boonana sammie.
I'd join.
...If I join, will you make me one?

Oh! I know!
I'll make you pancakes, and you make me a sammich.
Problem solved.

Now that that's settled, I gunna wish ya a loverly evenin'. Muchas <3's, girlie!!

P.S. Heehee. Orange Kiki. Well, you're beauteous any way you color it! =D

Laci said...

Haha you "distracted yourself" with square roots, that's a good one! You know I always LOVE your eats, from the oats to the balanced lunch to the dinner and snackie, you are very inspiring not to be so restrictive or obsessive! :D I'm sorry ED snuck in a bit but yuo have been doing SOOO amazingly, don't let him take the wheel! If we want long lasting recovery, we have to be strong and FIGHT 100% for life, we have to be brave evn whough we want to be safe. I know you can do it!!! :)
Lots of love, Laci ;)

Maya said...

sorry your day was rough but i am so proud of you for persevering great job with the pizza!( i had Amy's pizza yesterday AS a challenge) you are so strong. keep fighting eds thoughts!
love the cheerios! and that Pb Sammie yum!

aussirish said...

hi girlie
aww *hugs* im sorry you were struggling this morning and ed was all up in your business bothering you but im glad you tried to distract yourself! and im so proud of you for not giving in to the ed thoughts, your doing so well :)
and thats so great you challenged a fear food and had pizza, thats great progress :)

have a great night hun, love you

Gaby said...

Kiki! You are beautiful and I want you to say that every time you pass a mirror no matter how much ED screams, really, it's corny but I sometimes say it out loud and it works.
You did a great job today with all the eats and knowing to distract yourself, and the square roots thing is a really good idea too, you were learning AND fighting ED, multitasking :)
Oh and - coincidence, i had a pizza night on Monday!! first time in forever I've had pizza, I made it myself from scratch and invited my mom, aunt and cousin over and we had a great girly night, I even let my mom dress the salad (big pet peeve of mine) she poured like 1/4 of the bottle of olive oil on it and it was way too greasy but I didn't say anything. And then afterwards we dug into some chocolate bars (lindt dark choc orange, oh my!!) its something else I haven't done in forever, but it was straight chocolate and it was right after eating pizza, and it was awesome!!

hope you're having a great week!

Anonymous said...

Hey, way to go with the pizza!
Great job on challenging yourself.

Sorry that Ed kicked up before though, but I'm proud that you got through it. Keep up the great work!

Nomnomy foods for the rest of the day too.
Have a great Wednesday!

Tiny Tina. said...

May I just say that you did a FANTASTIC job in distracting yourself from the negative thoughts!
And congrats with tackling pizza!
The beautiful thing that you, I and everyone else in recovery has to look forward to that others take for granted is that eventually, we'll be able to have days where we're not so hungry, and days where we are hungrier than normal. And we won't over think this or let ED tell us being less hungry is an accomplishment or let ED tell us that being HUNGRIER is horrible.
Ugh, I hope that made some sense. =S
Have a great Thursday! =)