School = excellent distraction. I woke up this morning absoulutely loathing myself. We had a two hour delay because the roads were still icy so I had extra time in the morning. I actually stood in front of the mirror and pointed out every place where "If I just lost a bit of weight, that would look much better." It's really hard for me to get out of the body bashing mood when I'm at home, just sitting around, so I was glad to go to school for once! I didn't want to loose all the progress I've made in the past week or so, and as soon as I got to school I started trying to find ways to get out of my negative mindset. My English teacher said something about today being square root day (03 x 03 = 09) so my fixation became square roots. Every time a negative thought started to creep in, I looked around the classroom until I found a number and then figured out whether it was a perfect square or not. And if it wasn't I looked for another number, and another and another and another. Pretty strange, but it kept my brain occupied enough to get the ED voices out.
I also managed to distract myself by talking to one of my best friends. We don't have any classes together this semester so we haven't had a chance to catch up lately. She hadn't been responding to any of my texts so I was really worried that I had done something to make her not want to be my friend anymore! But I talked to her during lunch today and it turns out that she was just busy with tutoring and lacrosse. So I freaked myself out for nothing! I've lost most of my friends to ED and I'm terrified of losing the only ones I have left.
I'm feeling okay now. Not overly positive but I don't hate myself. I'm proud that I recognized that ED was trying to undo all the progress I've made with intuitive eating and replace it with restricting, and did something to stop it! Even if I did it in an extremely odd way, I proved to myself that my will to recover is much stronger than any of ED's pestering!
As part of breakfast today, I made gingerbread oats! I cooked my oatmeal in gingerbread tea, then added 1/2 tbs molasses, cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, allspice, bluebs, and a spoonful of toffee-oatmeal stuff from yesterday. Scrum.
AM snack was almonds. Lunch was a chocolate banana PB sammich, carrots, a Trek mix bar and Chobby Wob. I'm eating carrots this week because I forgot to buy cauliflower. But orange is a nice color, perhaps I wouldn't mind it?
It was so amazingly cold walking home today so when I got home I wanted something warm! I had a packet of Kashi cinnamon and something other, I forget, oatmeal with pumpkin (haha again with bad orange veggies) mixed in. I also had an apple with string cheesay.
May I just tell you how lovely it is to not have to eat dinner in the car on the way to therapy this week? Extremely. My mom suggested that I challenge myself with pizza one day this week and that day was today. She bought Mystic pizza. I hate hate hate the thought of packaged frozen pizza! So full of salt and refined flour.. This one didn't actually have any preservatives/HFCS/trans fats so I felt slightly better. I'm glad I challenged myself, since I used to like pizza like this a lot, but it was just okay. I could've made a better one! I also had a salad of lettuce, black beans, carrots, sundried tomatoes and papaya poppyseed dressing.
I decided that this was not enough food, so now I'm munching on a slice of toast with SSB and honey nut Cheerios! See my orange hand?? Teeeeeeeeeehh.
I have to admit, I'm feeling very accomplished with myself right now because I know I haven't eaten as much as I have been over the past couple days. I wasn't as hungry today, so I must be a few hundred cals under what I had yesterday and the day before. Urgggg, I can't wait until I feel accomplished over things that actually matter, like getting a job or volunteering, rather than how many calories I eat! Not that I've been counting though.
Thanks for reading my several rants! I'm going to watch bad TV, night!