Tuesday, March 31, 2009

What now?

I'm posting two days in a row because I'll probably skip posting tomorrow. We have festival for orchestra (big competition where all the schools in the county compete) which will take up my whole afternoon. Then afterward, I'm going out to Chipotle with the orchestra kids! Eek. Going out to eat is usually pretty easy though, for some reason it feels safer than eating something my mom makes for me.

Thank you all for the support on my last post.. I never know how to express my gratitude enough. The rational side of me knows that my grades don't define me. But ED tells me that he's always right, of course I'm worthless if I'm not perfect in everything. It makes me feel so much better to have everyone enforce my healthy side, so thank you! What I learned from your comments: No one will care about a B in five years, B's are human, I tried my hardest, no one is perfect. If I keep saying those, I'll start to believe them.

I only have a picture of part of breakfast because I was lazy! I had a glass of 1% milk, an apple with PB, and applesauce & crystallized ginger oats w/ a crumbled graham cracker.

I wanted to use up the last two slices of store-bought bread in the fridge before I started eating my homemade stuff. I made a PB and cran apple butter sammich, and also had cauliflower, a Zbar, and Chobby Wob.

Snacky time. Whole wheat english muffin with CC & applesauce, an apple (because I really really like apples), and sunflower seed butter.

It was Mexican night for dinner. While the rest of the family had beef tacos, I made my own yummy veggie ones. I sauteed zucchini, tomatoes, red onion, green pepper, cumin and chili powder in olive oil. Then I put them in corn taco shells and topped them with shredded cheddar. I also had TJ's Spanish white beans. The beans were okay, didn't taste very Spanish too me. Mostly like veggie broth.

Oh and I forgot to post this yesterday. The lovely Kristina from Stonyfield Farms sent me coupons for Oikos! And a cute reusable shopping bag and coupons for normal yogurt. I'm so excited! I'll have to get my mom to take me to Whole Foods this weekend so I can try Oikos.

Today I had my cello lesson, but I didn't have therapy after, thank the lord. I don't think I talk about this much but my cello teacher is basically my therapist! She had depression as a teenager so she can relate to a lot of my fears. She also went through some disordered eating when she was in college. Anyway, she's very confident in herself now and is my mentor, and I feel way more comfortable talking to her than I do my real therapist. Tonight, I was talking to her about how in some ballet classes I'm happy with myself , and in others I hate myself and can't stand the way I look. I said that I hated the way my weight had distributed from gaining and I wished that some of the weight on my lower half would shift up. She looked at me and said "Where is that weight going to come from? There isn't any on you that can shift more. You look sick."

Usually she's not so blunt. This quote kind of makes her seem mean, but I suppose she was just tired of beating around the bush. Anyway, it was just a really really huge slap in the face. Here I was, pinching my "fat" and wishing that I hadn't let myself go past my safe weight. But now the woman I look up to most says I still look ill? Her comment totally put things into proportion for me. I trust her.. she obviously sees what damage I'm doing to my body and mind by staying here. I'm kind of scared, actually! I don't want to be sick Kiki anymore, just Kiki. Happy, healthy, Kiki. So now I've come to this conclusion. Now I don't know what to do next.

I'm going to go think for a while, I suppose. Night!


ChocolateCoveredVegan said...

Your snack looks like Mickey Mouse! Ok, I'm strange...

Laci said...

Aw no problem with the comments, you deserve them little humble girl! ;)
Hooray for mexican night, I forgot how much I love that ethnic food cuisine :0
Interesting cello teacher... glad you feel so comfortable talking to her like a theripist, sorry she said that- yet it seems like it was helpful too. I know what you mean, here we are, pinching our "fat" when we're still at fairly low (or under) wieghts though not at our lowest clearly, and as we try so hard to recover and gain a normal life, Ed thoughts sneek in daily and make us feel negitivly and badly. :( She's right, compared to others of our age, we are probably very skinny, get really good grades and arenot very social out side of school, since you mentioned you are a tad nervous to go out to eat with the cello kids- kudos to that sweetie! :)
Hope you have a nice wednesday, lots of love, Laci ;)

Lexi said...

Lovely eats today! Good luck with going out to eat, I'm glad you're not super worried about it. I'm also so happy to hear that you have such a good relationship with your cello teacher. SO cool. I hope everything is going well for you today, stay strong.
Love always,

Sharon said...

Great eats, cranberry apple butter! Delightful! And scrumptious eats overall.

Nancy said...

Ouuu! Have fun at the music festival! We had a couple orchestra (we call them band here) competitions a month ago. Mmm, Mexican cuisine, I've never had anything Mexican. But I bet it was super delish!

Anonymous said...

Hey babycakes (:

I'm so glad you have your cello teacher to talk to, since you dislike your therapist. And I'm glad she slapped some sense into you - sometimes that's the only thing that works...

I don't know if I should say this because it probably just feeds ED, but Kiki, I've seen your pictures, and you ARE very thin. I know you can't see it, but it's true. I just hope someday you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror and see the truth without ED butting his ugly face in <3

Aubrey Nicole Lee said...

let me suggest what you should do next: ACCEPT yourself for who you are, and STOP thinking about PERFECTION. because NOTHING is perfect. If you wanna be like it, then you wanna be NOTHING? of course not. SO don't be perfect. be KIKI. The brave beautiful girl.

XOXO, Aubrey ;)

Anonymous said...

Great eats like usual! That big red apple is calling my name. YUM!!

I'm glad you have a special relationship with your cello teacher. It's great to have someone who understands where you are coming from!

I would take her comment as a wake up call also. I too believe I am fat certain days, but then my family will say who are you kidding you are thin and you could use some more fat on your body. Just take the comment as the truth. It will help you understand that you aren't and instead it's time to get healthy. You have the strength Kiki!! Listen to your inner self and believe that you can eat better and love yourself<3

Anonymous said...

understand that you aren't fat*

Gaby said...

Hello darling Kiki! I haven't posted a comment in a while but just wanted to post and say hi and that I'm still keeping up with your blog. You seem to be doing really well! and as others pointed out, don't worry about the B, I promise it will have no effect on you in the long run. You're intelligent and very capable and will do exceptional in both high school and college and your grades will not matter! I know how stressful it is when you're in the moment, but really, looking back now that I'm done with college, not even my college grades matter all that much. What matters are my experiences, my willingness to learn, the wonderful people I've met and my aspirations for the future.
Your cello teacher sounds like an incredible woman too and you're so lucky to have her in your life, I can tell she truly cares for you, otherwise she wouldn't be so honest. I've had moments like that too, either coming from my mom or from myself even. I start to think I wish I'd distribute differently or tone up or wish that I could change something then it hits me that I can't "redistribute" weight I don't have. Maybe if I had more weight it would go to the right places, maybe with more weight, those jeans would look better, my muscles could tone more efficiently, etc etc. It helps to get an outside perspective.
I'm glad to hear ballet is getting better. I've been getting more into yoga and really appreciating what my body can do. Today I looked in the mirror and while I did still see someone who was too thin, I also saw how strong I'm becoming, how flexible I am, how deeply I can breathe and the refreshing feeling that brings, and even meditated on the artistic shapes my body was able to make. Your body is that of a strong and beautiful dancer, it's strong enough to do turns and leaps and intricate footwork, you are also able to produce music with your cello which provides yet another beautiful thing in this world.
Keep working on appreciating yourself because you deserve it!

Brooke said...

kiki! sorry for being mia (will explain later) but i need to get caught up!

your tacos look delicious - they are the perfect meal for vegetarians/meat eaters too. and yes! go buy the oikos! i picked up another yogurt today, its great.

as for your cello teachers comment, this is so normal. we will never please ed when we are in recovery. but im glad that she was able to give you a new perception, aside from your own. use it as motivation sweetie!

i hope you have a wonderful time at the orchestra festival! be mindful and have fun :)

love you!
- brooke

Stef said...

Breakfast looks so good! Actually, everything does! I think going out to Chipotle will be a great challenge for you! Of all the fast food-y type restaurants Chipotle has the healthier options! I'm not even talking about calories here (though they do have much more reasonable #s) but I mean they use fresher ingredients and they don't sneak in lots of preservatives and stuff, so maybe you can think of it as a "safer" meal! Plus you'll be surrounded by your peers after you compete and HOPEFULLY win :) I think it's great that you have a mentor who will be brutally honest with you (if need be) and keep you in check since well all know ED can distort the way we see ourselves! You'll be healthy happy Kiki in no time!

nourishing mornings said...

breakfast looks so good, and so do those tacos!

have fun at the orchestra meet at chipolte, im sure everything will go great.
and getting a b is so good if i got a b id be jumping for joy, lol but thats me, and you are human and cant always get perfect scores, it doesnt mean anything you are still wonderful.:)

Tiny Tina. said...

Hey darling, of course that's alright about the email! Whenever you get a free minute is fine by me. =) The fact that you're emailing your support and advice means the world to me already!
Good luck with going out to eat..enjoy it, really.
It's always a big slap in the face when someone you trust..well, slaps you in the face, brings you back down to reality. People see us SO much differently and that's where the whole distorted perception thing comes in.
What now? The ultimate thing..working on accepting and loving your body whether you weigh this much or that much. You're on the right path, and that in itself is just golden. =)

Anonymous said...

you know what you need to do...step it up a notch! what's to lose? just more ED crap. I want not just a healthy kiki, but a happy kiki.

good luck on the chipotle. it's actually a pretty healthy place, so enjoy yourself! actually, I'm craving a burrito myself and chipotle is one of the restaurants I want to tackle once I get back to America!

Anonymous said...

Those tacos! Yum :D Glad you got some CC back in your life!

Your cello teacher sounds like she's brutally honest which is a good thing at times! Hope you're having a great day!

aussirish said...

hi girlie
i think we need to be easier on ourselves in recovery and really learn to appreciate how well we do, even if we dont get 100 percent in something...its how hard we tried that counts!
great eats! have fun at the dinner tomoro :)
im sorry your teacher was that blunt to you, but maybe she needed to be like that for you to understand how distored ed makes our perception...its hard to belive that we dont know what we really look like, but ed tricks us in so many ways, its hard to belive what we are seeing isnt real.
your doing great hun!
love you lots

Meg said...

Your Mexican dinner looks delicious, first of all. I think you should box some up for me and mail it to me, okay? Haha just kidding!

I love to hear about positive relationships that people have with their 'teachers' or 'mentors' so to say. It's so nice to be comfortable talking to someone that knows how you feel, and understands you, although they may not understand you completely, even a little bit helps, and can be such a motivation in staying positive. I hope you have a great time going out with your friends, don't let ED get into your head and try to ruin it for you. I know you won't though, cause you're stronger than him.

Have a great day,

p.s. - here comes the poopy Maryland weather again. At least we got a dose of sunshine yesterday, though.

Anonymous said...

Hun, you are sooo right. In reality a B is an extremely good grade & its only because its not your usual that the perfectionist side of you is making it into a big deal. You did your best. Nobody can ask anymore of you, not even yourself. Be kind to yourself sweetheart.

Im glad you are able to talk to your cello teacher. Although such comments produce mixed feelings (sometimes they only fuel ED) I think that every so often we need a gentle reminder of how things really are & at least this was in a caring way where the aim was just to make you think. When ED tells you how you look you need to remember how other people view you. They are in the right, not ED.

Good luck for your music event. Enjoy it! x

Anonymous said...

amazing veggie tacos girl!!!

glad you realize that grades dont define you and that ED distorts realaity :) your doing great!!

good luck with orchestra and have fun at chipolte!! I don't have one near me sadly :\

Anonymous said...

Your orchestra teacher does sound like a therapist. I'm glad you can relate to her and that you trust her enough to speak to her about stuff like this. I actually love how she responded--yes it is very blunt but kiki, she's right! :)

Love all your ever so lovely eats. Everything from your oats to your dinner looks delish! Have a wonderful night and you're right, don't worry about a B!
<3 jess :)

Mel said...

yummy yummy eats! veggie tacos are the best :-)
in regards to the comment by your cello teacher, sometimes all you need is a wakeup moment and things will become SO much more clear from there. I'm so glad you're starting to separate the fact from the fiction that ED can often put in your head!! things will get easier girlie, i promise :-) Think and really evaluate what YOU need to do to get healthy. We're all here for you!! Have a great day!

emily. said...

Hello fellow Chobby Wob lover! I hope your orchestra thingie went well. You're such a talented girlie so I'm sure you're do amazingly!

And ED is -always- wrong, never right! He's a convincing little devil but never believe him. :)

I always love your oats. They look delicious!

I'm glad your got such great inspiration from your cello teacher. Your decision is the right thing to do, even though it's so so so hard!

Good luck, girlie! Have a nice day! <333

Tori said...

Hey Kiki,
I just wantedto say thanks for the support - it looks like you need some too. :hugs:
I know you are having hard time mentally, but I am so proud of you for continuing to eat even when its hard. I know that those kind of comments, like the one from your teacher, can be hard to accept, but try to use it as a reality check. ED so obviously lies to you and distorts your perception. Keep staying strong, ok? If you make it past the rough times, the good ones are that much more enjoyable.
I have faith in you Kiki. Youdon't need your eating disorder to make you "better" than who you are inside. The Kiki we all see is so sweet, intelligent, and creative - what could possibly need fixing? You are a wonderful, human person. You are entirely loveable and worthwhile - just as you are. ED does not give you those qualities - its you as yourself that holds them. You are far better than your eating disorder. Please try to remember that.

Anonymous said...

Your meals all look so delicious, well-rounded and nourishing!! Stay strong girly, push ED out of your life, and remember how much better it gets when food isn't a main priority!