Monday, March 30, 2009

Creativity.. occupies the cat?

I didn't have school today because the teachers were working on our report cards for the 3rd marking period. We can totally just check our grades online on Edline so this was a bogus holiday, but I'm not complaining. I checked my grades this morning and I have an A in everything except for geometry. 88.8%. AHHHHHHHH! I figured out that if I had just gotten 5 points higher on various tests I would have an A. Let it be noted that I have not had anything lower than an A on my report card since I was in 5th grade. I intended on keeping it that way, but my teacher won't bump my grade up so I'm stuck with a B. I know that technically, if I get an A next marking period, I'll have an A average for the semester and that's what colleges will see. But just knowing that I'm less that perfect is killing me! I realize that I'm the typical perfectionist anorexic, I'm finding it one of the hardest parts of my illness to let go. One little less-than-perfect blemish is all it takes to bring me down.

If I was still at my lowest, I would use this as an excuse to restrict my cals and exercise more as "punishment" for not being perfect. But today, I did everything possible to keep myself from thinking of my grade. First distraction: Baking bread.

I've never baked yeast bread before. Oh wait, scratch that, I did when I was in second grade. I decided that it would be a good hands on type of baking project that would keep my mind occupied, so I went for it. First (yes, there is a second!) I made this recipe because it looked easy and good for beginners. I had to add a fair bit of extra water because the dough wasn't turning into a ball. And even though I kneaded it for twice as long as the recipe says, it didn't become "elastic". I just went with it and let it rise, then made two different types of loaves. One is a free-form baguette-ish thing, and the other is baked in a small loaf pan.
I was pleased with how the free-form turned out, but I was disappointed that the one in the pan (the square one) didn't rise much. I tried a small slice and it's very tasty though! This crust is really crunchy, and the actual bread is dense and wheat-y. That's really the only way I can describe it, you just have to trust me when I say it tasted good.

Then I took a breakfast break. I had an apple with PB. Then I had oats cooked in 1% topped with crushed puffins, strawbs, and dark choco chips. I'm liking cooking my oats in milk, it makes them calorie dense but they're very filling.

I had planned to use the first loaves as sandwich bread but decided they didn't rise enough. So I started to make whole wheat potato bread, because it also looked fairly easy. I formed the dough and then made lunch. I made a mini laughing cow + sprout sammie with toasted bread #1, and had another slice with SSB. Also almonds (yay, healthy fats!), caulilflower and carrots, and a Kashi bar.

After lunch I worked on my potato bread. I practiced my cello while it was baking- I felt so artsy, like I was in a movie! Although the dough seemed "elastic", it barely rose at all. It definitely did not look like the picture when I was done with it!!
See how flat it is? Why can't I bake bread? Maybe it has something to do with how cold it is in my house. We decided that we aren't going to use anymore heat until next winter, so it was 66 degrees in the house today.

Somewhere along the line, I made a tunic out of a pillowcase. I used these intructions (haha I typed recipe) and an old floral pillowcase that doesn't match with any bedding in the house. I used to do crafty things like this all the time, but stopped when my life became devoted to counting cals. I'm glad my DIY side is coming back! This was a really easy project, and I'm pleased with how my tunic turned out. I think I'll take in the back though.

Before I went to ballet, I had a nanner with PB but you know what that looks like. Ballet went well again, don't have much to say about it. When I got home, I had plain yogurt with TJ's high fiber fruit & nut medley cereal. My mom thinks I'm a freak of nature for this, but I love this cereal! It tastes like raisin bran, but I like the wormish texture better. It has raisins, cranberries, almonds, and pecans in it but I've yet to run into any pecans.

For dinner I made one of my favorite recipes, chickpea & peanut stew. I added a bit more liquid than usual and it was still excellent. With two slices of bread #1, perfect for dipping in the stew!

That's all for now. I successfully kept myself from thinking of my imperfect report card all day, hopefully I can keep it up at school tomorrow. I'm going to get my stuff ready for school tomorrow, then watch Gossip Girl! Muhahaha.


Anonymous said...

Love all the bread baking! Potato bread sounds amazing.

Mmm that stew is on my to-make list, it sounds delicious!

Lexi said...

Cute top! Great job on your eats today.
I know the perfectionist tendencies are so hard to deal with. Sometimes I just feel like my perfectionism is knocking around in my brain all the time and I can't get it to quiet down. Just know, that a B is OKAY. B's are HUMAN. You are going to be fine. I hope that you're feeling okay about this later. Just breathe, relax. Everything will be alright :)
Love always,

Sharon said...

I think you are doing great with the baking! That is so cool, I want to try baking bread now!! =D

Peanut Butter and Jenny said...

gorgeous top, Kiki! I love it =)

I also definitely struggle with the whole perfectionist thing .. but remember - as long you did the best you could then you should be PROUD OF YOURSELF. no one is made to be perfect - if we were, life would be pretty boring if you ask me! Everyone get's B's girlie!

have a good night, love! xo

Baylee♥ said...

that shirt is SOOO CUTE! make me one :) haha! :)

FORTUNATELY, i CANNOT relate to you in terms of the typical perfectionist anorexic. Ive never really been too concerned with grades as long as im passing and besides a little OCD, nothing is ever perfect with me, although i did notice a few more perfectionist tendencies at the height of my anorexia. Im sure youll get an A in the class :)

Anonymous said...

kiki what are you talking about - those loaves of bread look fabulous!!!

love your top :) super cute!

Anonymous said...

Kiki my love <3

1. Your school uses Edline too? Ahh I hate it so much! It's so annoying! It bugs me that my mom can see my grades - not that they're bad, but still. I'd rather show her myself.

2. You're so brave to bake bread! I really really want to try it, but I'm scared it'll just turn out into a big mushy mess!

3. I think all of us really struggle with perfectionism - but you're right, we've gotta let that go...good thing you found good, healthy, productive ways to distract yourself!

I lahhhve you!

Tori said...

Oh, you look so cute!

Please, don't be so hard on yourself Kiki - it only fuels your ED. One B is not the end of the world, trust me. When I was a freshman in high school - I failed four classes in a single semester. I brought all the grades up to par by the end of the year obviously. But my world did not end. I still got accepted into four colleges, two with scholarships. One eensy B is not a mark of failure. It is human. You can't get everything 100% all the time - you would have no time to live, to breathe and be yourself or relax.
I am the same way - only just with things that I really care about. Liek my art. I remember getting a 93 on an assignment and coming home bawling because I felt like that meant I wasn't good enough. But grades are just numbers - they are no more significant than weight. To be honest - I think that perfectionism is another way ED controls us and manipulates us into believing we are not good enough. But this is so untrue. Your grades do not define you. And in five years, no one is going to know or care that you got a B in some math class. You probably won't even remember. So don't stress about it. Just enjoy your life. It will be okay, as long as you let it be.

lesley said...

Delicious bread! : )

Aubrey Nicole Lee said...

I'm really sorry about the second bread. but the first one you made looks amazing! Cheers to Kiki! ;)

I also wanna make bread...and perhaps, i'll try it again this weekend. I have read taht bread baking is therapeutic because of the homey aroma of it when it's is still baking in the you enjoyed that ;)

hey, you look absolutely gorgeous with your tunic top! so proud that you are creative..i love DIY too. I even watch DIY on lifestyle network. you might wanna check that out...yopu could get a lot of ideas.

You're dping gret girl! keep it up! ;)


Tiny Tina. said...

What a creative day for you! =D And I don't care how flat that bread is, it still looks yummy. xD
The tunic is awesome! What a good reminded me of The Sound of Music, with the curtains. Tehehehe
I feel you on the perfectionist thing.
If I so much as get a slightly lower mark at something I should be "perfect" at, then I deem myself a total failure. But the truth is..not one of us is actually perfect! We're all flawed by nature and it's those flaws that make us who we are, make us beautiful! And now you have something to work toward..improving on your geometry! But hey, I may be no expert at Math but 88.8% is still pretty damn amazing girl. =)
If you wouldn't mind an email would be GREAT! =D
Hope you had a good day! xoxox

Anonymous said...

I used to be the same exact way with my grades. I’m a total perfectionist.. it’s one of my biggest faults. I look back and wish I hadn’t stressed so much in school over the years. It’s totally not worth it. It caused me to completely PANIC when I got to college. Why have anxiety about something that in the long run doesn’t matter? Your grades do not define you and make you the person you are. I know education is important, but I do not think grades should be taken so seriously. I’ve finally learned that if I try my best than that’s all that matters! :) I know it’s hard for you to accept a “B”, but trust me.. that is AWESOME! You are great and wonderful and a grade will not change that.

I’m impressed with you bread baking skills!! The loaves look delicious!

I LOVE the tunic you made girlie. You look gorgeous in it! You are so crafty!

Anonymous said...

Dont worry girl, B's are still AWESOME GRADES!

And it's such a high B.

You'll do fine.


peony said...

Im so happy your getting your creative vibe back :D as its obvious from looking that your very tallented, dont worry the bread baking the perfect loaf will come! it took me forever to get it just right but u willl :D
sorry about the B grade aswell, still realy good tho so dont get too knotted up about it, you can always make it up next thingy,
love love

Megan said...

ohmygoodness, you MADE that shirt?! out of a pillowcase!!?? that' so crazy lol, it looks fab! you are so skilled.

i know how the B thing feels... i've never gotten a B, but I think i'm actually going to get a C in a class i'm in right now, and it's KILLING me. It seriously occupies my mind constantly and makes me feel like such a failure. i think you just have to step back and realize that perfection isn't what's most important, and in the long run, that B means absolutely nothing.

Stef said...

WOW you are straight out of a movie! Baking bread, playing cello, making awesome clothes?! Such a productive day, I'm so proud of you for not using your disappointment over a (still good!) grade to restrict and self-destruct. You're made so much progress girl!

nourishing mornings said...

love the bread baking thats so great! my dad bakes bread sometimes i love the smell...
cute top, you look so gorgeous in it!

aussirish said...

hi girlie
great eats!
wow love the top you made :) your so creative!!
and the bread looks great!
congrats on the great report card hun, thats brilliant!
love you lots

Anonymous said...

Hang in there with the grades! You'll get it raised in no time flat - an 88.8 isn't far from an A. In the mean time try to understand that a B is still REALLY good!!

Your bread, your tunic, AND your soup look fabulous - you've been a busy girl!

Laci said...

Don't worry dear Kiki, My bread turns out so similar- the first "huge" loaf was huge but didn't cut into thin, fluffy slices- more like crunchy on the out side, dense and chewy on the inside- and my second had a l;ovely consistancy with my reviewers seemed to rave about, but it was so small for so much ingretients, maybe I didn't let it rise enough? <3ed hearing about your "day off" baking adventure!
Oh hon, please don't beat yourself up for one little B- I get em sometimes too, and while I do want to complain to the teacher, I realise it won't REALLY effect me in the long term. I highly doubt collages will say "this girl isn't smart enough because she got a B in one little math quarter of one little year." So please don't stress! I <3 your crafty side! I can definatly relate- Pre. my ED I was into sewing, drawing/painting, writing, listening to my I=pod often and havving fun with lots of friends. Zoom forward, I had trouble sitting down and concentrting because A. I was hurting my self and damaging my health and B. I thought I wasn't "exersizing enough" by being lazy... Now it's different! Today, if I have time around school work I DEFINATLY want to do something crafty and relaxing, other than food/exersize related. Hehe, I love cereal- even the high fiber type with fruits and nuts- so tasty, my family doesn't really understand why that's an accomplishment for me, glad you do :) lovly dinner, I want to make that stew tonight! :D Hope you had an ok or good day at school love, I am here for you always ;)

CaSaundraLeigh said...

You definitely may wanna check to see if your baking soda or powder is old or not. I had that problem a few times because unfortunately it can go bad. You can easily find out how to test it if you just Google it, and hopefully you'll have some fluffier bread next time--although it still looks delish!

Mel said...

bread? cello? pillowcase tunic?? Girl, you are so ridiculously creative!! Glad you got through the day without thinking of the report card too much. Just remember, in the grand scheme of things, a B is no big deal at ALL! You're a bright girl and you've already got yourself on track to do great things. Just relax and enjoy the ride :-) Have a great Tuesday!! <3

Tori said...

Yeah, talking really does help a lot. When I was younger, I never felt like I could talk to my mom about anything, especially about my ED. I jsut kept it all inside. It was part of how I isolated myself from the world - I shut everyone out. And honestly, I'm willing to bet that may be part of why I relapsed so many times before ever really making any sort of progress.
The current relations with my mom are very new - we have spent hte past six years practically killing each other. So it is really really nice to feel like we get along now Part of it has to do with age too, I think. But there's no reason not to forge a better relationship with her now. I imagine it would make her really happy to have you want to talk to her about things - even the depressing ones. Afterall, you mom loves you - and if you arstruggling all she will want to do is help in any way she can. And if you start communicating more - that will actually be possible, yknow?
Happy Tuesday!