Saturday, March 28, 2009

Dreary day

Buenas noches. Thanks for all the support regarding the comments I got yesterday. I'm not even really sad that L. isn't my friend anymore. She's so blase and doesn't have anything in common with me. I went to the mall with her once and we were trying on clothes. I asked if something looked good on me and she just shrugged her shoulders and texted someone else. Really. If she's not willing to work to be friends again, then fine, I'm better off without her!

I had a smaller breakfast than usual this morning. Size wise, not calorie wise I mean. I feel like if I eat calorie dense foods then I'll never be full, and I'm really scared of that. This morning I challenged myself to chocolate cafe crumble oats! T'is oats cooked in 1% milk with a spoon of vanilla creme coffee, topped with a TJ's cafe twist and dark chocolate chips. Yums. I only ever have coffee on Saturday mornings because I need it to get through a long ballet class. Otherwise I stick to tea. I was mighty jumpy after this oatmeal!
I also had a banana with PB, and it held me over perfectly. Haha, another one of ED's lies is proven to be false! I actually felt more full after eating this than I do when I eat one of my larger breakfasts.

Before I left for ballet I had almonds. Class went well, my muscles ache though. I feel like now that I'm allowed to exercise I should be doing some strength training. Not for ED's calorie burning purposes, I just want to dance as best as possible. Anyone have recommendations? Anyhow, there was barely any body checking during class today. I actually took the time to think of how much I appreciate by body for putting up with a dancer's workout. People who think ballet is a frilly sport have no idea! I know that if I was still emaciated and restricting, I wouldn't have enough energy to get through a class- I'd probably have to quit ballet in favor of keeping my disorder. Ballet is my passion though, and I would feel so empty without it. So today, I am thankful for having a healthy, strong, nourished body to help me do what truly makes me happy.

This is most definitely a repeat pic, but for lunch my mom dragged me to the mall so I was forced to eat there. I got a vegetarian bowl from Maui Tacos, which consisted of brown rice, black beans, guacamole, lettuce, and homemade salsa.

After the mall, I hit up my favorite store, Trader Joe's! My loot:
Clementines, bananas, a Z bar, garlic hummus, baked beans, Spanish white beans, whole wheat "British" muffins, Laughing Cow spreadable cheese wedges, 2 French Village yogurts, 1 pom. Greek yogurt, and high fiber fruit & nut medly cereal.

By the time I got home it was snack time. Who can guess what I had? Everyone. A british muffin with a laughing cow and applesauce, half a grapefruit, and PB. I love this snack because it's tasty, but also because I feel perfectly full after I eat it and so I don't think of food for hours on end.

Dinner featured one of my favorite grains, quinoa. I made lemon herb quinoa, and upped the OO to 2.5 tbs. I quite liked this, the lemon made it taste very fresh and all the herbs complemented eachother perfectly. I also had a Quorn cutlet cooked in olive oil and oregano and the other grapefruit half.

The weather was dreary and gray today, and I woke up with a mood to match it. I always feel at least slightly affected by ED everyday, but didn't feel triggered anymore than usual today which was nice. I'm just feeling really depressed and tired. Ballet was the highlight of my day, because dancing always makes me feel better. I was at the mall with my mom forever. She kept making me walk all around to look at random stuff, and I was already tired from ballet and didn't want to do anymore walking. I was on the verge of tears the entire time because I just wanted to go home and sleep for a really long time. By the time we did get home, I didn't want to sleep and instead opted for wallowing in my misery. That's always helpful, right? My sister wants to watch a movie with me tonight but I don't want to be around people right now. Everything is making me nervous and angry. Argg sorry for whining, I hope this is gone by tomorrow.

Goodnight, lovelies!

P.S. I finally updated my blogroll to add all the awesome blogs I've been reading lately. I tried to add all of you, but I most likely left a few bloggers out. If you don't see your blog on the list, just tell me and I'll add it!


Anonymous said...

my mom gave me the best advice when it comes to crappy friends "if someone doesn't want to be your friend, don't waste your time - surrond yourself with people who love you because those are the people who are worthy of your time" sorry she was a lame friend :\

great eats ;)

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're feeling down and depressed today :( It's been dreary here as well and rainy too. I cannot wait for summer. Sorry about your friend--I cannot believe she did that to you at the mall. What a friend :/ She's obviously not worth your time if she's not gonna treat you right! :) Great eats and I am so happy that you are loving ballet! I love what you said about your body and thanking it for being healthy enough to dance. It's all so true! As for stregth training, there are so many exercises you can do. All you really need it a few things--like 3/5 pound weights. You can even use soup cans if necessary. I suggest using livestrong and they have an incredible exercises. Good luck and have a great night!
<3 jess :)

Anonymous said...

NO WAY! That is so awesome! Unfortunately's a trip with my class and I don't even know where we're staying or what we're doing. But a blogger meet-up would be so awesome. Gosh it stinks that it doesn't work out :(
<3 jess :)

Anonymous said...

You know...coming back to Illinois (after I moved to AZ) I knew I didn't want the same friends. I actually got a text from my old best friend and I had to tell her I didn't want to be her friend anymore. It was just not working and I didn't feel bad since I was doing something good for me!

Anonymous said...

Hi love!

I totes understand about being scared of calorie dense foods - I hate feeling hungry because then I freak out that I'll end up binging. But good job challenging yourself today! ED really has no clue what he's talking about!

Yay! I'm so happy ballet was awesome for ya - although I'm sorry you've been in a blah mood. But we've all got those days, we just gotta push through it.

Have a great night babe <3

Sharon said...

Keep your chin up girlie. It's gloomy skies where I am too, and yesterday was just spring-like weather too!

And oh my gosh, I hate when people text message when I hang out with them. One of my "friends" always does that, and it is so annoying. I find it kind of rude. I could understand if you text once in a while, but the entire time I would hang out with her, she would be texting. PSH. -lol-

Nancy said...

Sorry your day wasn't the best. But hopefully it'll be better tomorrow!

Btw, awesome loot you've got there! I wish there was a Trader Joe's here.

Have a good night! ^_^

Anonymous said...

Hi sweetie,
Your breakfast oats look absolutely fabulous. What a wonderful combination of flavors!

I used to be a hard core ballet dancer and I totally understand the amount of energy it takes! Ballet is physically tough and you definitely need a strong, healthy body to keep up. I am glad you are nourishing your body so that you can dance and feel great knowing you have the strength to do what you love!!

Hope you have a great night<3


Anna said...

It sounds like you had a fantastic day - challenging eats, a great workout. You're doing so well!

Have a great night!

emily. said...

I know how you feel about your friend. I lost my best friend over ED and it's tough. BUT! The truth is, like you said, if they aren't willing to work it out, you are way better off with out them!

I used to take ballet and I loved it. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why I quit. o-o Anyways! I felt like I was in another world every time I danced and there are some songs that I hear every now and then that remind me of those good ole ballet times. I get all teary-eyed too, haha. ;)

Mmm, grapefruit! One of my favorite fruits. I really love your breakfast- it sounds more like a dessert! Tasty. <3

The weather affects my mood too. That's why I love Spring+Summer. Keep being positive though.

Have a lovely night, girlie! <3

amy. said...

Hey little lovely:

I am sorry to hear about your dreary day and depression to match. I feel the same way when the weather is gloomy. Its great that you could release/escape in ballet class, at least. I bet you felt so accomplished after class. What a graceful yet grueling sport. I'm so intrigued by your abilities! Bravo, ballerina :)

That veg entree @ the mall looks fantastic, for mall food! Yum!

Sorry about L. She doesn't seem compassionate. Very displeased with her OWN life. Ugh, you are building a beautiful life for yourself, so be proud.

Laci said...

um, who needs L? She sounds obnoxious and concieded. great jobs with the challenging yourself hon, you are on your way :)

aussirish said...

hi girlie
im so glad your not stuck in that negative friendship with that girl anymore, you deserve friends who will treat you right!
im glad you enjoyed ballet and focused on the strength your body has :)
great eats too!
love you lots hun

Stef said...

Not whining at all! I know the feeling of wanting to cry because your mom drags somethign on foreverrrr when all you want to do is go home! I'm so happy ballet went well today and you appreciated how your healthy body can stand up to the rigors of dance! Anyone who says ballet is easy is WRONG! No doubt. L sounds like someone you don't need in your life right now. It's sad that she isn't a good friend to you, but that doesn't mean you should have to put up with her lame attitude! You deserve friends who CARE about you and your relationship! That lemon herb quinoa sounds yummy.

Lexi said...

Awww! I'm sorry you got really sad about your friend. But if she treats you the way she did at the mall, you may want to find someone more fun and supportive... just a thought. I'm glad you proved E.D. wrong, I struggle with calorie dense foods too, because I fear that I won't feel full after I eat them. E.D. is a liar though, I'm so glad you were able to fight him.

I'm also glad you didn't body check much during dance. Body checking is one of my most intense eating disorder behaviors. I really need to stop looking and comparing myself to everything. Any tips?

Have a great day girl, love you!!

Maya said...

iam sorry to hear your not feeling well today:( i cant wait for summer!
sorry bout your friend..that is too bad.
shes not worth your time your too good for her:)
great TJ buys love that place..i want to work there:)
thanks for the comment on my blog..i really take to heart what you write and you have helped me so much. love you!

Anonymous said...

I hope you feel better soon.
You deserve nothing less than pure happiness and joy.

Yummy eats.
I used to want to be a dancer...but then I discovered how lazy I can

Now my dream is to bike across the country...even though that's not exactly lazy...hmmm...anyhow, enough of my senseless babbling.

Have a great Sunday!

Anonymous said...

Don't waste your time with L. You're better off without her! Friend "break ups" can be hard but they're worth it in the long run!

Fabulous TJs haul, girlie!! Strength training can be done using your own body weight as resistance (push ups, etc.) and you can also use soup cans!

Baylee♥ said...

word to the wise - most girls suck. either they steal your boyfriend or talk shit about you behind your back. every once in a great while, a true friend will come along. it doesnt happen often though. of course this does not apply to the beautiful blogging community of girls though :) sometimes, you just have to think to yourself what is best for you. it doesnt sound like she needs to be in your life.

yayy for putting your love for ballet about the disorder. it feels so good to find something that surpasses ed's power!

thank you for all of your encouraging words in my struggles lately sweetie!

Breaking Free said...

Sorry I didn't get to commenting on your post yesterday. I wanted to tell you that I seriously commend you for not slapping your friend in the face. I can't believe how rude and insensitive and just plain mean she was. I'm also sorry about your friend but I say that if she is not going to treat you right then you don't need to hang around her. You need friends who are going to be supportive and uplifting and who you enjoying being with, not someone who is a depressing Debby or a snobby Sally or whatever.

I'm so glad that ballet went well for you today. I love the days when I find myself appreciating and loving my body instead of bashing it every second.

I've also been struggling with calorie-dense foods lately. I feel like if I eat something that is highly condensed I won't feel full. But you know what? I've been challenging myself lately with smaller, condensed meals and--I've been getting full!! It feels so weird but so great at the same time!! Also, my hunger signals are coming back! I seriously get hungry like every 2 to 2 and half hours! Again...strange but good.

Well this was a long post. Hope you have an o-maze-ing day!

Love and hugs!

Anonymous said...

Hello my lovely, sorry I haven't been commenting recently but i have been reading. Im so proud of you for realising that a dancer needs both a healthy body & fuel to succeed. Although this may seem obvious to outsiders, the world of dance can be a bit screwed up & far too many fall into the downward spiral of underfueling & focusing on their body more than the training itself. You are clued up my dear so just keep focused.

As for strength training, my dance training was always based around the use of a lot of body weight exercises for strengthening, core work, exercises for turnout etc & pilates. When I was training with the Royal we actually did a bit of pilates everyday. If you haven't already tried it I highly recommend!

There is also a lot you can do with just a few basic items; different strength therabands, a swiss ball & a wobble board. Its amazing what doing a few simple strengthening exercises on a daily basis can make. Im not sure if your teachers already set such exercises for you to do at home but if you have any questions Im more than happy to try & help if I can :)

Hope you're having a lovely relaxing weekend x

Anonymous said...

I just picked up some of that TJ hummus the other day too. I haven't tried it yet. Hope its good!


Tiny Tina. said...

Honestly, you really don't need someone like that in your's good you know to surround yourself with the people that truly do care. =)
I missed you Kiki!
Those chocolate cafe crumble oats look CRAZYYYY. Seriously..I normally hate hot cereals, but seeing all your yummeh oat creations is inspiring me to get off my high horse and make some for myself! xD
Ballet is something that is not apart of your ED, it's apart of YOU and always has been. It only serves to enable you to keep moving past this. =) Good on you for appreciating the strength your body provides you with, rather than the size and/pr shape it takes on! Our bodies are so much more than what they look like, and it's great when we stop and really appreciate them for that fact alone.
Strength exercises are lifesavers, I tell ya! A suggestion I have is definitely to lift some light weights and do some tricep dips. They work wonders and really build up your strength! Also, lunges build up a lot of strength in your legs and enable you to get less tired on your feet. =)
Have a great day beautiful!

Aubrey Nicole Lee said...

hey girl! thanks for the comment on my post..i soo need it..i feel comforted now ;)

Hey, That was soo good of you to be able to eat NORMALLY. I also feel afraid sometimes to eat normal portions. for example a fried food. because i think it would just trigger binging, then purging. But I am more capable in handling situations like that right now..whew!

No, i don't think ballet is lame or something. Didi I ever told you that I used to do ballet too when i was younger? It was one of the best times of my life, I just love how I could express myself in music, and dance my heart away when I practice. But I had to give it up bec school is soo demanding, lots of academic stuff!

Anyway, don't worry dear, that grumpiness I think is just because you are tired. as soon as you get some sleep, you'll be perked up again.

nice loot btw ;)

XOXO, aubrey

Anonymous said...

hey, I'm sorry about that bad friend L. I agree that you can find much better friends and don't need to waste your time and energy on her. I hope you find better friends who loves and appreciates and understands you.
I like reading about how much you enjoy ballet. it's great that you found a passion in life. that lemon quinoa sounds REALLY good, btw! and good job upping the OO and the denser calories! little steps to HUGE recovery!
p.s thanks for the crepierie tips! where exactly is that crepe-a-go-go? I live in the DC-metro area too.