Thursday, April 2, 2009

Life is unfair.

Please, please, please, PLEASE, don't read this if you get triggered easily.

Well, on the bright side, my school orchestra got straight 1s at festival yesterday! Music groups get graded on a scale of 1-5, with 1 being the best and 5 being the worst. This means we're going to state festival, woo!

Now that that's over with.. I haven't brought this up yet, I don't think, but my school orchestra director is the best teacher I've ever had. She's actually an English teacher, but she has played the violin and viola her whole life and volunteered to be our school orchestra director at the beginning of the school year. She's really young, only 23, so she seems like "one of us". She has really helped our orchestra connect this year. On the one hand, she's an amazing musician and can just pick up a violin and play along with us perfectly. On the other hand, she's really funny and witty and smart, and just makes everyone feel better when they're in her class. Because of her, everyone in my orchestra is friends with each other, rather than just acquaintances from orchestra. Yesterday we were on the bus on the way to festival and a couple girls asked if she would drive us to Union Station to perform at Christmas time again. She said "I didn't want to tell you this today, but I won't be here next year. I'm getting transferred." They over-staffed my school this year, so the newest teacher (my director) has to be transferred to a different school.

My director is being replaced with the director of the bands at our school. She hates us, and all children as a matter of fact. Yesterday, one of her bands tried to play an April fool's joke on her by playing a rock song when she cued them for scales. She didn't laugh, she just stared at them and then started screaming! No no no no, a music director has to have a sense of humor. Even though I'm not all that close to my director, she's still made a huge influence on me. When I'm with my friends from orchestra, I let go of all my self conscious ED feelings, and I feel more like myself that when I'm with anyone else. It's not going to be the same next year without her. Our new director isn't going to drive us to a restaurant, letting five of us cram into the backseat of her car, cracking up the whole time! She won't drive us to Union Station, to play in front of the Christmas tree and see a movie and eat ice cream. Because of my director, I've been able to connect with people far more than I ever thought I'd be able to. It's not fair. I finally feel like I belong, with my director and all the kids in my orchestra, and now that's all being pulled out from under me because of over-staffing.

We went out to Chipotle last night, it was okay. It was really crowded so our whole orchestra was separated into small groups and we couldn't talk to each other from across the restaurant. I ate about 2/3 of a veggie burrito with no cheese, because I had missed my snack and knew I needed it. Everything went downhill when I got home. I started feeling really depressed about my director leaving. Then I started thinking about how this time last year, I was in the worst of my ED, and I'm so much bigger now. I locked myself in my room and cried for a really really long time. It felt nice. I started to feel hungry but then I thought "No, you aren't hungry. You aren't craving anything. How can you think of food with how you're feeling now?" So I didn't eat, I had a bottle of water and went to bed. Things haven't improved much today, I'm sorry to say. I've eaten my three main meals, but I've skipped most of my snacks, where my parents won't notice I'm skimping. I really apologize if this is triggering to anyone.

I went to group today, and talked about what's been happening. The girls were so sweet, I could tell that they were trying to pull my mood back up. I was on the verge of tears for the entire hour, because I knew that I couldn't believe what they told me. Or ED couldn't. I don't know, damn. One of them told me that life is hard, but what's even harder is taking care of yourself through it all. Another girl said that people may come and go in my life, but they'll all make a lasting impression on me that will shape who I am in the future. All of them tried to emphasize how far I've come since I started group, and how much I'd lose if I relapsed back into old behaviors. One of the girls, who's been through a ton of IP, talked to me outside of the group room and told me that she knows what it's like to have someone you care about taken away from you. She asked if I was feeling any better and all I could do was smile and shake my head no.

Two days ago I said I was ready to kill whatever part of ED is still clinging to me. And now.. now, I have just super-glued ED to me again. I don't know what I'm going to do over spring break next week. My parents will be out working mostly, I won't have friends at school to keep me distracted while I'm eating. I don't have group, so there's no one for me to talk to next week either. Things could get worse in terms of eating and exercising. Or, I could be back on track by spring break, that was the goal I made for group. I just feel like that "flame of recovery" that has been burning inside of my for the past almost-year has been blown out.

I'm sorry for such a crap post. So sorry. I'm confused and my head hurts. Goodnight.


Anonymous said...

No no no Kiki! You gotta be strong! ED just LOVES to swoop in outta nowhere when we're sad about something, but in reality, it's just a way to push our REAL feelings aside.

You are understandably v. upset that your teacher is leaving you. Well, then, hun - BE UPSET! Don't restrict or fall back into ED-behaviors. Have a good cry, take a nice bath, do whatever relaxes you. Talk to someone about it. But sweetie NEVER use ED as an excuse...that's what HE wants! He takes advantage of us when we're vulnerable, but you know as well as I do that it's about time we face what's REALLY bothering us. Because eating disorders are not about being fat or thin - there are a ton of underlying issues that we simply don't want to deal with, so we use weight as an "out."

But we have to deal, Kiki. We HAVE to. Life is not all rainbows and roses.

PLEASE, if you feel like you're falling back into old behaviors, contact me. fb/email/aim/Skype/text - just ask for the info and I'll give it to ya.

Stay strong babygirl <3

Peanut Butter and Jenny said...

Kiki - please don't apologize for this post - i think it is really important to be open and honest when we are feeling down. I am so sorry about your director but do not let this challenge hinder your progress. I know it's painful - but it's something you can deal with on your own. You don't need ED to get through this.. you have me and all of the other girls! Please let me know if you need me, love!

xoxo - Jenny

Jemima said...

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry - what an awful day. In no way am I taking away from you what a loss your current music director's absence will feel like but you need to look at this as ONE awful day. Sometimes the future is too scary to contemplate - during those times we need to just stick to things on a day to day basis. Restricting won't make your old music director stay at your school. It won't make the new one more bearable. It will make everything worse - everything you've gained will vanish (and I'm not talking about weight) before your eyes. Recovery is a road full of huge bumps, some which seem like mountains at the time - but you'll overcome them, look back and realise that the bump that felt so big when you were riding over it was really just a molehill in the grand scheme that will be your new life without ED. I'm sending you the most enormous hug I can, I wish I could hug you for real, you're such a darling and you have helped me SO much.

Lexi said...

Oh no! I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I'm sorry about your director being transfered. I understand your depressed feelings. I've been there, we all have, and I just want you to know that it will get better. Things will look up. Everyone has a few tough recovery days every once and again. I especially understand where you're coming from when you say E.D.'s here one day and gone the next. If we keep fighting, he'll be gone for good. Stay positive, I believe in you and I'm sending love and positive vibes your way. Love always,

Anonymous said...

Kiki, I sincerly hope you feel better soon and whatever thoughts you have been having about ED go away. Feel better babe =)

Tori said...

I understand. I really do. ED tries to make you believe you are weak and nothing without it. But that's not true. The first thing you need to realize is that how healthy or unhealthy you are has absolutely nothing to do with your instructor having to leave and new/former one coming in. Any voice that tells you differently is tragically skewed. The anxiety/upset you feel about losing the teacher you like so much is normal. But it has nothing to do with you, or your eating disorder, and you know restricting won't fix it. Isolating yourself from the world and starving yourself does not work. ED tricks us into thinking we are fine, and it glorifies those feelings we felt when we were happy with ED. BUt you must also remember how horrible the bad days were - the days of being drained, cold, and alone with nothing but hateful thoughts filling your head. You don't deserve to live like that Kiki - you have so much more to live for than the confines of anorexia. Remember, everyone struggles and everyone falls back sometimes. Bad days happen, we mess up and we do things to ourselves that we know we shouldn't. And thats okay. part of recovery is stumbling along the way. The important thing is not to fall back into the pattern. You have the power to pick yourself up again, and I hope with all my heart that you do. You know, life is filled with ups, downs, disappointments and imperfections. Its how we surive it all that makes or breaks us. Don't let this break you.

Laci said...

OH no! I am so sorry your orchastra teacher is not continuing next year- the one you treat like your theripist, correct? I know this may be extremely difficult for you, but please don NOT let ED take over your actions- I have done this many times in the past- when we feel out of control, depressed and can't cope with negitive emotions, we turn to ED behaviors- and feel even worse and more down becuase we aren't nourishing ourselves properly- I am glad you got to "cry it out" a little- now do something else comforting but not self destructive- get her adress/e-mail and make sure you will be able to contact her or be pen pals- maybe, if possible play hookey tomorrow from school (sounds bad but vital to your state of mind hon!), do something relaxing like watching old, cute or silly films that make you hysterical laughing, be crafty, write in a journal, create art, bake, take a hot bubble bath... whatever you find relaxing and de-stressing other than ED related- remember, we cannot recover even after doing so impressively if we will always have "him, ed" waiting in the back of our minds to pounce on us when we feel at our lowest. You are too intelligent, creative, beautiful and unique to let oyur disorder hold you down! Keep trying babe, I am hear for you! :-)

Natalia said...

aw kiki its okay to feel like shit sometimes even after good motivational days- we're only human. it's good that you let yourself cry it out though and recognize why you were feeling sad instead of bottling it all up and completely engaging in behaviors. I know obviuosly that skipping your snacks was no good but you didnt fail- those meals were hard enough for you i'm sure and you deserve credit where credit is due. tomorrow is a brand new day, for brand new initiative to get back to that meal plan and keep doing fantastic.
have a goodnight/morning love

Anonymous said...

Oh, Kiki! I'm so sorry! That really stinks about your teacher is leaving you. I would be extremely upset as well. But, you can't let ED creep in when times are tough and you are struggling with issues outside of the ED. ED loves to creep up when we're at our lowest point and say, see, if you were still with me, everything would be better? Well, that a LIE. If you were at your worst Kiki, can you picture where you would be? There's a possibility that if you hadn't started recovery, you wouldn't be here. ED loves to be used as a coping mechanism. Like, I got a D on the test--I must not be good enough. Let's skip lunch because I know I am good at that. Or something along those lines. We cannot let him do that to us! We need to focus on the issue at hand--dealing with the scenerio and focusing on that. I agree with ohsoravenous--have a good cry, a good conversation, take a walk, a bath. Don't let ED use this as an excuse to restrict or give in. I know this is no walk in the park at all, but you gotta stay strong. We're all here for you and don't apologize--this is a place where you can vent if you need/want to. We all complete understand. Sometimes you just gotta write (or type :)..) it all out and you automatically feel better. If you want to talk, just email me--I am totally here for you girlie. Much love,

<3 jess :)

Stef said...

This post wasn't crap at all! Hun I'm so sorry that you've been having a bad day. It must be really hard to know you'll be losing your orchestra teacher next year (she sounds SO awesome.) She came into your life for a reason, and it sounds like the social circle and positive atmosphere she helped build has been such a helpful thing in your recovery! The thing is, you can keep feeling happy even if she's not physically there every day at school. She got the ball rolling, but you can absolutely stay close with your orchestra friends and have lots of fun. True, the person replacing her sounds like a buzzkill, but it just means you may have to work a bit harder to have fun and make great memories! I know it's a natural reaction for a lot of us to restrict when we're feeling stressed or lonely or upset in general. It sounds like you're dealing with ALL of those emotions, so you turned back to ED behaviors to deal. Of course you know all of this, but I just want you to take a deep breath and remember how far you've come. You have a choice: you can restrict, become very unhealthy, lose your friends and your happiness, or you can choose to continue EATING and working hard in recovery, have a great time being social and fun, happy Kiki (the one you wrote about yesterday!) I hope (and believe) you'll choose the latter! <3 you girl, it's ok to be sad about your teacher but just know that not EVERYTHING will change. Maybe you can let her know how much you appreciate her and try to stay in touch by email or inviting her to your performances next year or something.

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear about your orchestra instructor.

Hang in there, we're here for you. We love you!!!


aussirish said...

hi hun
im sorry to hear youve been having a hard day. i think what happened was you felt an emotion you didnt enjoy, the sadness from the teacher leaving, and then cue back ed.....when we find id hard to deal with emotions we cover that up with using ed behaviors gives us something else to focus on and "fix", ignoring the real issue. please please please pull yourself back up and nourish yourself properly hun.
do you want to be with ed forever? do you want your life to be about not eating and endless excersise and unhappiness? because if you give in to ed behaviors and choose that over recovery, thats what youll get...i hope that doesnt seem harsh hun. i just really want to get through to you...youve come so far and risk so much hard work by going back to old ed ways. your so strong kiki, i know you can push through!!
fight back hun, you have a say in this, dont let ed control your actions!
take care hun
much love

Pammy said...

Oh Kiki I am so sorry to hear that your director is being transferred. I can totally relate to how you are feeling. Two years ago, my school cut the gifted program I was in. We would leave school one or two days a week during our free periods and go to a separate building where we were given complete freedom to create and work on our own year-long project. My teacher there had been my teacher since 8th grade and when they cut the program over the summer I cried for a week. It was so nice to take a break from the normal school day and be able to talk to someone I could relate to and trusted. To have that taken away from me was awful so I can imagine how you feel about your director. Just know that using Ed is NOT going to help. He lies and tries to trick you into going back into your old ways because he doesn't want you to have a life. He doesn't want you to be able to play the cello or dance or do anything that you enjoy. He just wants you to restrict until there is no Kiki left and none of us want to see that happen because Kiki is way too amazing to lose. Keep fighting girl, I know you can do this. If you need anything I am always here for you.

Baylee♥ said...

Hey girlie.
Im so sorry to hear about your instructor. That must be rough :(
Isnt it shitty that we can feel SO strong and So determined to kick ed in the ass, and then all of a sudden, he creeps back in through the cracks. He is SO sneaky. And its often most convenient for him to get in when we've fallen apart over something else. Your director leaving is out of your control, so ed thinks that you need him so you can control something. but he just wants to control you. DONT LET HIM. you're stronger than that girl. Life is going to have it's ups and downs, and as much as I hate to say it, lots of people are going to come and go from your life, whether they mean anything to you or not. Do you want ed to break back in everytime someone lets you down? ed strives on your struggling. he loves to see you struggle because thats his chance to break back in. You cant do that. You have to stand up for YOURSELF.

Sometimes, I know its tough listening to these comments too, because although we are real, live people struggling with the same things you are,we dont actually KNOW eachother, and its difficult to believe that someone can be experiencing the same things. I kinda wish we all lived in a big ol' recovering anorexics community. we'd probably all be fat by now, but we'd be happy :)

Anonymous said...

oh no kiki! you can't let ED seduce you like that! you KNOW he's an evil deceiver, clawing his way back into your life! so what if you're "heavier" than before? You're so much healthier now, and you were SICK before then! you DON'T want to live the rest of your life limiting your potential and being in a frail, dying, cranky body and mind all the time!
your being upset with your teacher leaving has NOTHING to do with your body. This is another step to recovery: learning to face troubles without blaming it on weight/body/food.
I will pray pray pray for you. Keep strong, darling! You've got so much ahead of you.
p.s. I actually live about 1-2 hours away from Gaithersburg, so I know where it is! I live in the metro belt area, too.

Anonymous said...

Of course girl, add me - Debbie Lechtman (:

Anonymous said...

aww kiki I am so sorry to hear about your orchestra director :\ thats really unfortunate.

don't be afraid of your feelings either. my yoga teacher says that crying is actually a great way to relieve stress so cry your heart out girl!!

stay strong <3

Tiny Tina. said...

This is to be expected. It really is. Something major goes wrong, and ED thinks he can worm his way back in and stay there. But no. You've been beating him all this time, you're 100,000 times stronger than he is. Your anxiety and insecurities and crap feelings have come rushing back due to the bad news. But just ride through it, because it will pass. If you think about it..yes, you may have begun to connect with people with the help of your director. BUT, it was YOU who did this. You made the decision to open up, to enjoy yourself around these people! There is absolutely no reason why you can't maintain the bonds you've forged now that your director is going away. You're simply you - Kiki. They enjoy your company for YOU, and this isn't going to change! You're allowed to feel defeated, to feel like nothing is going right. But I know that you can pull yourself right out of this and keep going. You have come SUCH a long way, moving forward even more after this will be a big step in the right direction, and a big FU to ED. It's unfortunately moments like these where we forget to put things into perspective and let our negative thoughts take over. But you are so much stronger than you're giving yourself credit for, I promise you that.
Love you girl.

Lauryn said...


so sorry that i've been MIA, but this post just breaks my heart -- i feel your pain and your hurting and your sadness, and you have EVERY RIGHT TO BE. but know that you're strong and that sometimes things are out of our control -- that's life for ya! it's not always going to go our way, but these are times where you grow as a person and individual, which is sooo important in the long run!

i'll be thinking about you, stay strong! xoxo

Laura: Learning to Love said...

Hey Kiki!
I know we've only commented on each other's blogs like, what? Once before? But I just REALLY needed to tell you this:

I am absolutely, positively BLOWN AWAY with how mature you are. As I read your blog I forget that you are only 14/15 years old, and I applaud you for your strength, compassion, and writing ability. You are such a clear and intelligent thinker, and because of this I KNOW you are going to get far in life. You are going to knock people off their feet just by walking into a room and opening your mouth. And this hard time that you're faced with right now- you'll get through it. You'll use it as a learning experience and grow even MORE from it. Take it with strides, look on the bright side, and NEVER give up.

<3 Laura

Mel said...

oh Kiki, i'm so sorry to hear that about your orchestra teacher :-( ED loves to come out of nowhere when unexpected things happen, and it can be SO overwhelming. It's so important to recognize that life is going to throw curveballs and that no matter WHAT happens, you have to just keep fighting through it. Of course it's totally fine and NORMAL to have a down day-- the most important thing is that you pull yourself up afterwards. We're all here for you girlie-- I'll be thinking about you <3 much love!

Anonymous said...

Please dont give in to ED. You are such an inspirational, strong, lovely girl. If you give in, it wont make anything better. I think deep down you know that. And not to be harsh about your teacher or anything, but it will be okay. Everything happens for a reason in life. We all have really tragic things that happen to us, but normal people have a good cry and deal with it. You cant restrict and think it will make anything better. It will just make everything worse.

STAY STRONG KIKI, you are an amazing girl and it would break your whole families hearts to see you disapear back into ED. Not to mention all of us blog readers.

I wish you luck girly xoxo!

- I forgot i didn't mention in the beginning i've been reading your blog for awhile but i dont have one and i love it. You always have the coolest foods and have been doing so well.

Meg said...

Hi Kiki. I wish there was a magical word I could say to help you out in all of this, but unfortunately all I can do is give you some kind words in hopes that a smile will be able to grant it's presence upon your face, even if it's just a tiny grin. I'm so sorry to hear that your teacher has to leave. Is there any way you can stay in contact with her? I'm sure she'd be absolutely thrilled if you asked her for her email or something. Just so you two can keep in touch, you know? You definitely do not need ED right need something better, and that is essentially support from your family, friends and bloggers! Please please please don't fall back into old habits! Think of other things you can do to cope. Hell, treat yourself to a spa day - go get your nails done, go on a shopping spree. Read a good book. Just anything to get your mind off of it. Sometimes it really feels like life is just a huge slap in the face, but I promise things will get better, things will turn around. Remember that you are a beautiful and talented young woman and DO NOT let ED try and take that away from you. As a matter of fact, I KNOW you won't let him. Because you're stronger than that.

Please feel free to email me anytime! If it would make you feel any better I can totally mail you a little card or package of goodies or something just to brighten you day - it would probably only take about a day to get to you since we both live in the same state :) I just wish there was something more I could do for you girl. I'm so sorry.
MUCH love,
p.s. yay for finally being a sunny weekend in MD!

Tiny Tina. said...

HA. I was meant to leave you my email address a long long time ago. >_< Sorry aboot that! =)