Please, please, please, PLEASE, don't read this if you get triggered easily.
Well, on the bright side, my school orchestra got straight 1s at festival yesterday! Music groups get graded on a scale of 1-5, with 1 being the best and 5 being the worst. This means we're going to state festival, woo!
Now that that's over with.. I haven't brought this up yet, I don't think, but my school orchestra director is the best teacher I've ever had. She's actually an English teacher, but she has played the violin and viola her whole life and volunteered to be our school orchestra director at the beginning of the school year. She's really young, only 23, so she seems like "one of us". She has really helped our orchestra connect this year. On the one hand, she's an amazing musician and can just pick up a violin and play along with us perfectly. On the other hand, she's really funny and witty and smart, and just makes everyone feel better when they're in her class. Because of her, everyone in my orchestra is friends with each other, rather than just acquaintances from orchestra. Yesterday we were on the bus on the way to festival and a couple girls asked if she would drive us to Union Station to perform at Christmas time again. She said "I didn't want to tell you this today, but I won't be here next year. I'm getting transferred." They over-staffed my school this year, so the newest teacher (my director) has to be transferred to a different school.
My director is being replaced with the director of the bands at our school. She hates us, and all children as a matter of fact. Yesterday, one of her bands tried to play an April fool's joke on her by playing a rock song when she cued them for scales. She didn't laugh, she just stared at them and then started screaming! No no no no, a music director has to have a sense of humor. Even though I'm not all that close to my director, she's still made a huge influence on me. When I'm with my friends from orchestra, I let go of all my self conscious ED feelings, and I feel more like myself that when I'm with anyone else. It's not going to be the same next year without her. Our new director isn't going to drive us to a restaurant, letting five of us cram into the backseat of her car, cracking up the whole time! She won't drive us to Union Station, to play in front of the Christmas tree and see a movie and eat ice cream. Because of my director, I've been able to connect with people far more than I ever thought I'd be able to. It's not fair. I finally feel like I belong, with my director and all the kids in my orchestra, and now that's all being pulled out from under me because of over-staffing.
We went out to Chipotle last night, it was okay. It was really crowded so our whole orchestra was separated into small groups and we couldn't talk to each other from across the restaurant. I ate about 2/3 of a veggie burrito with no cheese, because I had missed my snack and knew I needed it. Everything went downhill when I got home. I started feeling really depressed about my director leaving. Then I started thinking about how this time last year, I was in the worst of my ED, and I'm so much bigger now. I locked myself in my room and cried for a really really long time. It felt nice. I started to feel hungry but then I thought "No, you aren't hungry. You aren't craving anything. How can you think of food with how you're feeling now?" So I didn't eat, I had a bottle of water and went to bed. Things haven't improved much today, I'm sorry to say. I've eaten my three main meals, but I've skipped most of my snacks, where my parents won't notice I'm skimping. I really apologize if this is triggering to anyone.
I went to group today, and talked about what's been happening. The girls were so sweet, I could tell that they were trying to pull my mood back up. I was on the verge of tears for the entire hour, because I knew that I couldn't believe what they told me. Or ED couldn't. I don't know, damn. One of them told me that life is hard, but what's even harder is taking care of yourself through it all. Another girl said that people may come and go in my life, but they'll all make a lasting impression on me that will shape who I am in the future. All of them tried to emphasize how far I've come since I started group, and how much I'd lose if I relapsed back into old behaviors. One of the girls, who's been through a ton of IP, talked to me outside of the group room and told me that she knows what it's like to have someone you care about taken away from you. She asked if I was feeling any better and all I could do was smile and shake my head no.
Two days ago I said I was ready to kill whatever part of ED is still clinging to me. And now.. now, I have just super-glued ED to me again. I don't know what I'm going to do over spring break next week. My parents will be out working mostly, I won't have friends at school to keep me distracted while I'm eating. I don't have group, so there's no one for me to talk to next week either. Things could get worse in terms of eating and exercising. Or, I could be back on track by spring break, that was the goal I made for group. I just feel like that "flame of recovery" that has been burning inside of my for the past almost-year has been blown out.
I'm sorry for such a crap post. So sorry. I'm confused and my head hurts. Goodnight.