I suppose I'll start with food. This AM along with other stuff I had a bowl of oats topped with applesauce, candied ginger and a crumbled graham cracker. Mmm spicy good.
Snack was almonds, and lunch was the usual with a Stoneyfield Farms yogurt and sunflower seed butter instead of PB. I need to make a dip or something so I can have more interesting sammiches!
For my afternoon snack I made a smoothie! I used 1/3 of a double batch of CCV's vegan yogurt (I made it chocolate banana flava), 4 ice cubes, 1/4 c ricemilk, and 1/3 c raspberries. Haven't had a smoothie in a while and this was good! I also had honey nut cheerios, of course, and a kiwi.
Dinner was one of my favorites, blintzes! Me and my mom split a package of cheese flavored ones, yum yum Jewish food. I also had applesauce and tried Kath's kale chips. I've never had kale before and I'm glad I tried this recipe first! The kale was so crunchy, crispy, and fun to eat. I topped it with feta because I didn't add enough parm while I was cooking it.
And a dark chocolate Lindor for dessert! Yum.
Today was pretty sucky. I was struggling with negative body image a lot again. I was really trying to keep myself occupied like I did yesterday, and succeeded in that for some of the day. My teachers gave me a lot of homework today so I was happy to do it (never though I'd say that!) to keep me from thinking about weight, cals, etc. But there were some times when I just couldn't keep the negative thoughts away. I was walking though the halls today, actually making an effort to socialize, and BAM: "I need to lose weight again." Or during lunch, I was sitting with a big group of people (only two were my friends) and no one spoke to me. So I though "Fine, so no one likes me. I can at least accept myself if I just start restricting again.." I thought I was doing so well, with all the intuitive eating and not caring about calories. But I should have known, ED doesn't go away that easily!
And it didn't help that my best friend announced that she's going on a diet today. I was sitting next to her during lunch and she only ate one apple as her whole meal! I wanted to hit her! She's very athletic and has always eaten well to get through all her practices. She has no fat to lose. She knows that I have issues with "dieting" but made no effort to keep me from getting triggered. And I'm not just ticked about that, I'm worried about her! She'll probably be back to eating normally tomorrow, she's done it before, but I'm scared that she could go down the same road as I did. That's how I started out, just "eating healthy" to shed a couple of pounds. Look where it got me! She means a lot to me and I don't want her to have to live with thoughts like I have. Sorry for the rant but I don't know what to do!
Sleep tight!
25 comments:
kiki stay strong! keep your head up - your making great progress :)
great eats, as always!
Kiki-
Sounds like you were trying real hard today, that's ok if you slipped up just a bit- we CAN make it back and feel the amazing taste of freedom, peace and happiness once again, we have to let our selves! Don't worry, I know the feeling where people just look at you occasionally but barely speak to you- I dread school for the social reasons but I'm trying to change- it's definatly a challenge but worth it in the end! Oooo I'm sorry about your friend, maybe it was a one day thing? If it REALLY keeps continuing I would suggest offering a question or advice, but only if you think she's heading down that road, because it really also depends on her attitude, mood and energy! Hope you have a better thurday darling!
Lots of love, Laci ;)
I'm so sorry about your friend. I know that she didn't realize what she was doing, or do it to purposely be mean to you, but still, it was careless. But don't worry (yet). Most people I know who say they're going on a diet, you find them downing a box of cookies the next day because they got bored of the diet!
Love the smoothie idea! What a creative thing to do to the yogurt!!
What brand of blintz do you eat - they look amazing!!
Sorry to hear you're having a rough day! I can only hope that tomorrow is 10x better for you, you deserve a good day :)
woman.. care about your best friend..
thats her path to follow
shes not going to take it seriously believe me.
my best friends say that everyday
some of them don't even eat lunch
it used to bug the hell outta me
now i know that they go home & they eat.
they just pretttendd.
those jerks!
anywwwwways
dont let them getcha down girl.
you have too much going for you and you don't want to lose it or turn back now!
head up pretty woman!
ugh, i'm sorry about your friend girl :-( that's the worst when people you care about start talking like that AND trigger you in the process. boooo. you can do it girl, you're making so much progress!!!
I'm sorry to hear that things got you down. But keep your chin up, because you are one awesome girl. You know it Kiki! So, be strong. :)
*sooper huggles*
I'm sorry about your icky day. =[
Remember - recovery does have ups and downs, and they're perfectly natural (albeit sucky, sometimes).
ED always throws a fit when he feels like he's losing, so you've obviously been doing things right! And that you've stayed strong even despite the negative thoughts...girlie, you ARE doing well.
Grargh. That your friend would say something like that to you, knowing your past...well, that makes me a bit POed.
NOBUDEH MESSES WIT MAH KIKI.
*wields giant hammer*
Realistically, though..Have you talked to her about it? Sometimes, people don't really understand the concept of "triggering". I don't know that I'd worry too much about her behavior, because, while millions of people go on crash diets, only a few develop eating disorders. They just don't have the genetics behind the disease. But definitely keep an eye on it.
Onto something more positive!
Wow. There ain't nuttin on your menu that dudn't look good. As usual, o'course!
Oh, and I, too, had a smoothie today.
And enjoyed it very muchly. =D
Gosh dern. I almost picked up a package of cheese blintzes at TJ's last weekend, but Mum wanted quiche.
Silly Mum.
Anyhow. I'm off to get ice cream! Hope you're having a relaxing evening, and muchas <3's!!
Keep fighting Kiki!!!
I know you can do this hun, just stay positive and focus on YOUR recovery.
Ah, that makes me mad too when people around me say they're going on a diet when they don't need to! It's so triggering when you see them eat nothing and you're supposed to be eating 'cause you're in recovery. D:<
Oh Kiki, I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. If there is anything that you need just let me know. I am always here to talk to.
But I do have to knock you upside the head because YOU ARE NOT FAT!!
And I am being honest! Your pictures definitely do not show a fat girl hun and neither does your mirror. That's the ED talking to you. The only reason ED is hounding you now is because you are getting stronger ED. But you can and you need to keep fighting this!! We love you too much!!
About your friend, I would suggest talking to her. Let her know about your worries and concerns. Maybe if she understands how you feel she'll take this whole matter a lot more logically. And give her a V-8 to the head too cuz we both know that an apple does NOT constitute as a proper, healthy, nutritious and balanced meal!
Keep fighting girl!!
Love and hugs
~Raina
im very sorry to hear your struggling kiki! but do not let ed control you and your actions - find your inner strength! and try listening to inspirational music? but i know for me my body image is at its worst when i am subconsciously restricting or the like. remember to keep nourishing yourself and eats intuitively!
yummy eats today! ill have to try your applesauce and graham crumbs combination! and i have never had blintz before - only crepes. but they always sound delicious!
as for your friend - keep an eye on her but also let her know about your triggers. you do not have t go in to details but you have that right as you are in recovery :)
sweet dreams! <3 you girly!
That is so frustrating about your friend not eating lunch when you're still struggling yourself. I have a hard time with this type of situation too, but I've found the best way to deal with it is to be honest and open with your friend. Obviously in private, don't ambush her, but it might help to let her know that because of your ED struggles it is really upsetting to see her harm her body by restricting and that it is also triggering for you. Let her know you care and maybe she'll stop now before she heads down the ED path and drags you back down with her!
iam so sorry that you are struggling:( you are not fat! i can understand how you feel and it is so HARD! i love you and keep going and doing what you have been doing cause your doing great. iam sorry to hear about your friend:9 iam sure she will be fine. love you so much and iam here for you.
hi hun
aw im sorry the ed thoughts were filling your head today, but sometimes when we are doing super well ed fights back hard...he tries to say anything to get us back to being sick...so keep fighting hun, ul get through it!
great eats :) and if your friend continues to undereat you could always talk to her and just express your concern.
have a nice night hun
love you
xxxx
I bet that feta was really good on your kale chips ... yum! : )
ive been struggling with bad body image a lot lately too. you are a beautiful girl and i wish i could make you see that. i am sorry to hear about your friend- i hope she goes back to eating normally. would you ever consider talking to her about it?
i always forget how young you are. i'm sure i've told you this before, but you are such a mature, intelligent, and beautiful young woman. i truly admire you.
OH KIKI!! I just e-mailed you and then came on and read your comment on my blog (you are always the first one to comment lol <3) I am WELLING UP :') that was such a kind commenttt xxxx But don't worry I'm still gonna be making regular appearances in your inbox love! I'm not going to let you go that easy.
I think I'm probably going to keep my blogger account so I can keep commenting blogs...
I'm really sorry to hear you've had a negative body image day and that you're friend is starting on the elusive APPLE DIET. I can understand you being concerned for her, but I don't think you should let it worry you too much right now. Most teens go on diets for a couple of days and then get bored. My friends are jumping on and off of them all the time, it's normal. If she DOES start to take things a bit too far, you can try and catch her if that happens. I don't think you should be worrying about it now though, it's just unnecesary (sp?!) stress which you do not need! keep your eyes on her but try not to lose sleep over it just yet :)
hope you're feeling better today cutie. looveee youuuu xxxxxxx
oh kiki, sorry you had a rough day :( it's especially hard to see people you care about doing things that are so bad for their bodies, i've definitely been in that position before. it's such a challenge, just keep pushing through! you got through another day, that's what matters :) if it was easy, everyone would be healthy all the time! you're doing wonderfully, and you're beautiful, so dont forget it!
<3
I am sorry your day wasn't good. I hate days like that. You are a beautiful girl and there will be no body bashing, you hear? :) Keep positive! Just because someone's not directly talking to you, doesn't mean by any means that they don't like you! Urggh, teenagers on diets. Drive me NUTS! Hopefully you can show her how to be healthy and give her positive role modeling. I love your eats!! I hope today was better than yesterday girlie. Have a good one!
Much Love
~jess :)
xxx
oh kiki, sounds like you had a tough day but its OVER and done with now, and i'm hoping the next is much better! i know its so hard to deal with friends on a diet; all of my roommates are trying crazy things for spring break, and it bothers me to no end. but stay true to YOURSELF and your goals, and be as positive as you can be -- your health and happiness is all that matters! youre doing a great job, and i know you know how to BEAT this! xoxo
hey, I heard you'll be away from blogger land for a while? will miss you lots, hope you work out whatever issues and come back soon!
and about your friend...don't let her "diet" trigger you. you are YOU and you wanna take good care of your body, don't you? and besides, from what she's eating, she won't last on her diet for more than a few days. but if she does, I'd actually be really WORRIED for her because she's definitely damaging her body and her metabolism at the same time.
hope you feel better, darling!
Hi i am a reader of your blog, but dont usually comment or anything. And you havent had a post for awhile, i hope your okay and nothing bad happened<3
That would be horrible, i miss reading your post so much. I see burp and slurp said you will be gone for awhile? :[ im sorry to hear that, and hope you come back very soon once everythings all good again.
Please continue to inspire us, eat inituativley, and not over excersise like ED wants. Don't listen to him. I know alot of other bloggers in this community are struggling but you were doing so well and ED is just speaking out now because he was so worried you were breaking away from him so much. I hope you get back on your feet soon kiki, remember you are a gorgeous and adorable girl!!!!!! <33
Sorry about your friend! My roomie's the same way and she doesn't realize that it can be really triggering. Just remember that you are strong enough to beat ED down. <3
Your smoothie looks delicious! Smoothies are so tasty- I love making my own combos, especially with yogurt, pecans, and honey!
Kale chips are so good! I tried them a few months ago and they were yummy.
Oh, and I was wondering if you've come across any plain sugar cookie recipes? I've been searching on vegweb and a few blogs but haven't found any suitable ones. I have a cute little ducky cookie cutter that is just begging to be used!
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