What now?

I'm posting two days in a row because I'll probably skip posting tomorrow. We have festival for orchestra (big competition where all the schools in the county compete) which will take up my whole afternoon. Then afterward, I'm going out to Chipotle with the orchestra kids! Eek. Going out to eat is usually pretty easy though, for some reason it feels safer than eating something my mom makes for me.

Thank you all for the support on my last post.. I never know how to express my gratitude enough. The rational side of me knows that my grades don't define me. But ED tells me that he's always right, of course I'm worthless if I'm not perfect in everything. It makes me feel so much better to have everyone enforce my healthy side, so thank you! What I learned from your comments: No one will care about a B in five years, B's are human, I tried my hardest, no one is perfect. If I keep saying those, I'll start to believe them.

I only have a picture of part of breakfast because I was lazy! I had a glass of 1% milk, an apple with PB, and applesauce & crystallized ginger oats w/ a crumbled graham cracker.

I wanted to use up the last two slices of store-bought bread in the fridge before I started eating my homemade stuff. I made a PB and cran apple butter sammich, and also had cauliflower, a Zbar, and Chobby Wob.

Snacky time. Whole wheat english muffin with CC & applesauce, an apple (because I really really like apples), and sunflower seed butter.

It was Mexican night for dinner. While the rest of the family had beef tacos, I made my own yummy veggie ones. I sauteed zucchini, tomatoes, red onion, green pepper, cumin and chili powder in olive oil. Then I put them in corn taco shells and topped them with shredded cheddar. I also had TJ's Spanish white beans. The beans were okay, didn't taste very Spanish too me. Mostly like veggie broth.


Oh and I forgot to post this yesterday. The lovely Kristina from Stonyfield Farms sent me coupons for Oikos! And a cute reusable shopping bag and coupons for normal yogurt. I'm so excited! I'll have to get my mom to take me to Whole Foods this weekend so I can try Oikos.

Today I had my cello lesson, but I didn't have therapy after, thank the lord. I don't think I talk about this much but my cello teacher is basically my therapist! She had depression as a teenager so she can relate to a lot of my fears. She also went through some disordered eating when she was in college. Anyway, she's very confident in herself now and is my mentor, and I feel way more comfortable talking to her than I do my real therapist. Tonight, I was talking to her about how in some ballet classes I'm happy with myself , and in others I hate myself and can't stand the way I look. I said that I hated the way my weight had distributed from gaining and I wished that some of the weight on my lower half would shift up. She looked at me and said "Where is that weight going to come from? There isn't any on you that can shift more. You look sick."

Usually she's not so blunt. This quote kind of makes her seem mean, but I suppose she was just tired of beating around the bush. Anyway, it was just a really really huge slap in the face. Here I was, pinching my "fat" and wishing that I hadn't let myself go past my safe weight. But now the woman I look up to most says I still look ill? Her comment totally put things into proportion for me. I trust her.. she obviously sees what damage I'm doing to my body and mind by staying here. I'm kind of scared, actually! I don't want to be sick Kiki anymore, just Kiki. Happy, healthy, Kiki. So now I've come to this conclusion. Now I don't know what to do next.

I'm going to go think for a while, I suppose. Night!

Creativity.. occupies the cat?

I didn't have school today because the teachers were working on our report cards for the 3rd marking period. We can totally just check our grades online on Edline so this was a bogus holiday, but I'm not complaining. I checked my grades this morning and I have an A in everything except for geometry. 88.8%. AHHHHHHHH! I figured out that if I had just gotten 5 points higher on various tests I would have an A. Let it be noted that I have not had anything lower than an A on my report card since I was in 5th grade. I intended on keeping it that way, but my teacher won't bump my grade up so I'm stuck with a B. I know that technically, if I get an A next marking period, I'll have an A average for the semester and that's what colleges will see. But just knowing that I'm less that perfect is killing me! I realize that I'm the typical perfectionist anorexic, I'm finding it one of the hardest parts of my illness to let go. One little less-than-perfect blemish is all it takes to bring me down.

If I was still at my lowest, I would use this as an excuse to restrict my cals and exercise more as "punishment" for not being perfect. But today, I did everything possible to keep myself from thinking of my grade. First distraction: Baking bread.

I've never baked yeast bread before. Oh wait, scratch that, I did when I was in second grade. I decided that it would be a good hands on type of baking project that would keep my mind occupied, so I went for it. First (yes, there is a second!) I made this recipe because it looked easy and good for beginners. I had to add a fair bit of extra water because the dough wasn't turning into a ball. And even though I kneaded it for twice as long as the recipe says, it didn't become "elastic". I just went with it and let it rise, then made two different types of loaves. One is a free-form baguette-ish thing, and the other is baked in a small loaf pan.
I was pleased with how the free-form turned out, but I was disappointed that the one in the pan (the square one) didn't rise much. I tried a small slice and it's very tasty though! This crust is really crunchy, and the actual bread is dense and wheat-y. That's really the only way I can describe it, you just have to trust me when I say it tasted good.

Then I took a breakfast break. I had an apple with PB. Then I had oats cooked in 1% topped with crushed puffins, strawbs, and dark choco chips. I'm liking cooking my oats in milk, it makes them calorie dense but they're very filling.

I had planned to use the first loaves as sandwich bread but decided they didn't rise enough. So I started to make whole wheat potato bread, because it also looked fairly easy. I formed the dough and then made lunch. I made a mini laughing cow + sprout sammie with toasted bread #1, and had another slice with SSB. Also almonds (yay, healthy fats!), caulilflower and carrots, and a Kashi bar.

After lunch I worked on my potato bread. I practiced my cello while it was baking- I felt so artsy, like I was in a movie! Although the dough seemed "elastic", it barely rose at all. It definitely did not look like the picture when I was done with it!!
See how flat it is? Why can't I bake bread? Maybe it has something to do with how cold it is in my house. We decided that we aren't going to use anymore heat until next winter, so it was 66 degrees in the house today.

Somewhere along the line, I made a tunic out of a pillowcase. I used these intructions (haha I typed recipe) and an old floral pillowcase that doesn't match with any bedding in the house. I used to do crafty things like this all the time, but stopped when my life became devoted to counting cals. I'm glad my DIY side is coming back! This was a really easy project, and I'm pleased with how my tunic turned out. I think I'll take in the back though.

Before I went to ballet, I had a nanner with PB but you know what that looks like. Ballet went well again, don't have much to say about it. When I got home, I had plain yogurt with TJ's high fiber fruit & nut medley cereal. My mom thinks I'm a freak of nature for this, but I love this cereal! It tastes like raisin bran, but I like the wormish texture better. It has raisins, cranberries, almonds, and pecans in it but I've yet to run into any pecans.

For dinner I made one of my favorite recipes, chickpea & peanut stew. I added a bit more liquid than usual and it was still excellent. With two slices of bread #1, perfect for dipping in the stew!

That's all for now. I successfully kept myself from thinking of my imperfect report card all day, hopefully I can keep it up at school tomorrow. I'm going to get my stuff ready for school tomorrow, then watch Gossip Girl! Muhahaha.

Dreary day

Buenas noches. Thanks for all the support regarding the comments I got yesterday. I'm not even really sad that L. isn't my friend anymore. She's so blase and doesn't have anything in common with me. I went to the mall with her once and we were trying on clothes. I asked if something looked good on me and she just shrugged her shoulders and texted someone else. Really. If she's not willing to work to be friends again, then fine, I'm better off without her!

I had a smaller breakfast than usual this morning. Size wise, not calorie wise I mean. I feel like if I eat calorie dense foods then I'll never be full, and I'm really scared of that. This morning I challenged myself to chocolate cafe crumble oats! T'is oats cooked in 1% milk with a spoon of vanilla creme coffee, topped with a TJ's cafe twist and dark chocolate chips. Yums. I only ever have coffee on Saturday mornings because I need it to get through a long ballet class. Otherwise I stick to tea. I was mighty jumpy after this oatmeal!
I also had a banana with PB, and it held me over perfectly. Haha, another one of ED's lies is proven to be false! I actually felt more full after eating this than I do when I eat one of my larger breakfasts.

Before I left for ballet I had almonds. Class went well, my muscles ache though. I feel like now that I'm allowed to exercise I should be doing some strength training. Not for ED's calorie burning purposes, I just want to dance as best as possible. Anyone have recommendations? Anyhow, there was barely any body checking during class today. I actually took the time to think of how much I appreciate by body for putting up with a dancer's workout. People who think ballet is a frilly sport have no idea! I know that if I was still emaciated and restricting, I wouldn't have enough energy to get through a class- I'd probably have to quit ballet in favor of keeping my disorder. Ballet is my passion though, and I would feel so empty without it. So today, I am thankful for having a healthy, strong, nourished body to help me do what truly makes me happy.

This is most definitely a repeat pic, but for lunch my mom dragged me to the mall so I was forced to eat there. I got a vegetarian bowl from Maui Tacos, which consisted of brown rice, black beans, guacamole, lettuce, and homemade salsa.

After the mall, I hit up my favorite store, Trader Joe's! My loot:
Clementines, bananas, a Z bar, garlic hummus, baked beans, Spanish white beans, whole wheat "British" muffins, Laughing Cow spreadable cheese wedges, 2 French Village yogurts, 1 pom. Greek yogurt, and high fiber fruit & nut medly cereal.

By the time I got home it was snack time. Who can guess what I had? Everyone. A british muffin with a laughing cow and applesauce, half a grapefruit, and PB. I love this snack because it's tasty, but also because I feel perfectly full after I eat it and so I don't think of food for hours on end.

Dinner featured one of my favorite grains, quinoa. I made lemon herb quinoa, and upped the OO to 2.5 tbs. I quite liked this, the lemon made it taste very fresh and all the herbs complemented eachother perfectly. I also had a Quorn cutlet cooked in olive oil and oregano and the other grapefruit half.

The weather was dreary and gray today, and I woke up with a mood to match it. I always feel at least slightly affected by ED everyday, but didn't feel triggered anymore than usual today which was nice. I'm just feeling really depressed and tired. Ballet was the highlight of my day, because dancing always makes me feel better. I was at the mall with my mom forever. She kept making me walk all around to look at random stuff, and I was already tired from ballet and didn't want to do anymore walking. I was on the verge of tears the entire time because I just wanted to go home and sleep for a really long time. By the time we did get home, I didn't want to sleep and instead opted for wallowing in my misery. That's always helpful, right? My sister wants to watch a movie with me tonight but I don't want to be around people right now. Everything is making me nervous and angry. Argg sorry for whining, I hope this is gone by tomorrow.

Goodnight, lovelies!

P.S. I finally updated my blogroll to add all the awesome blogs I've been reading lately. I tried to add all of you, but I most likely left a few bloggers out. If you don't see your blog on the list, just tell me and I'll add it!

TGIF...

Hola, mis amigas. Sorry for not posting yesterday. It was really rainy and windy (where is spring??) and my power got knocked out. Even though we have underground cables. I was sitting at the computer, typing a comment and the lights went out :[ They didn't come back on until 11 at night. So I'll probably post tomorrow night to make up for it. I am so glad it's Friday! This week seemed to stretch on forever. Probably because it's the week before the week before spring break and it always lasts forever. Sorry for not coming up with a new acronym, I'm so tired.

For breakfast among other things, I had oats topped with strawberries, dark choco chips, and HN cheerios. That seems to be the combo to turn to on school mornings.

Lunch was a PB+cran apple butter sammich, cauliflower, TJ's French Village yogurt, and a trek mix bar.

Ack! My afternoon snack was also typical. Whole wheat english muffin with mozarella (out of cottage!) cheese & applesauce, spoon of sunflower seed butter and strawberries. I seem to be in a food rut for every meal except dinner. But I honestly like what I eat..

Dinner was one of those challenge meals that I've been planning with my mom. She's trying to get my sister Allison to cook more, so Allison helped me make this. It's spaghetti pie from OK, So Now You're a Vegetarian. I don't use this cookbook much because I got it when I first went veg and was still dependent on a lot of cheese and eggs, versus fresh exotic veggie dishes. It does have some good recipes though. This was basically smart taste pasta with parmesan, then a layer of ricotta, then a layer of pasta sauce, and finally a layer of melted mozarella. So basically lasagna but with spaghetti. I had it with steamed spinach.
It was quite good! I'm okay with a sprinkle of cheese on my pasta, but having it in major amounts like this is a fear of mine. I reminded myself that non-ED people eat things much worse than this is restaurants without a second thought. I used to love things like this too. So I took a nice big slice and enjoyed every bite! Whoot!

For dessert/first part of PM snack I had a key lime pie Larabar. I like this flavor, but it never tastes like key lime pie to me. It always seems more coconut-ish? Anyway, it doesn't compare to apple pie!

Today was sort of rough for a Friday. At lunch I was sitting with my friend, L, and her best guy friend, M. L used to be my best friend, but of course once ED began I started isolating myself from everyone and we drifted apart. Now that I actually want friends again, I can't remember why I ever wanted to be L's friend in the first place. We've hung out a few times recently and we can't even keep a conversation. So actually, she's probably only my acquaintance now. She's one of the few people I've ever told about my ED, although I think most people know I have one based on how I looked last year. Anyway, M was being stupid and said "Dur hurrr how do I count calories?" I know he was just kidding, he doesn't give a crap about calories. Then L said "I dunno, ask Kiki." Then M said "Oh right, I should've known."

Infuriating! I was so upset that I got up and left the table. I've accepted that people are stupid when it comes to EDs and think they're just about counting calories and being skinny. I realize that they don't know when a comment like that could be triggering or hurtful. What bothers me is that I'm still thought of as the anorexic girl. When will I stop being seen as the calorie-counting one, and start being seen as Kiki? This. Ends. Now. I am so sick of being defined by my disorder. First I was doing it to myself, telling myself that I wasn't worth it if I didn't look "sick enough". Now I realize that people have been doing it to me for a year. I am finally starting to see who I am without my ED, and I'm ready for everyone else to see it too. From now on, I will not place my self-worth on what size I wear, what my BMI is, or how skinny I look. That's not how I want other people to see me, so I shouldn't see myself that way.

Mkayy now I'm going to go curl up with a nice cuppa' tea. Make sure to check out the Pure Bar Giveaway on Carrot 'n' Cake. Good night!

Shrinking wrappers!

Hello, all. Thanks for the stellar boy advice.. I feel bad for saying he reminds me of a beaver! When did I become so mean? Anyway, yesterday he was really starting to get on my nerves. Like "What did you get on the test? A 94%? Hur hur har har huuuuuur of course." Then he asked how he could repay me for helping him get a B on the test, and I just said he couldn't and turned away. I think he got it because today he wasn't so eager to talk to me. Hopefully it'll last!

And for the record, not all World Market stores are going out of business. I'm pretty sure that it's just the one near me. But it's probably an indication of how all the other stores are doing...

The only part of breakfast that I have a picture of is this Zbar. I absentmindedly stuck the wrapper in with the bar in the microwave. I heard a really loud ZAP noised and realized what I'd done. I opened the microwave really fast, and look what happened! Whoops.

I shouldn't even post lunch anymore because it's so repetitive. But it was a sunflower seed + cran apple butter sammich, cauliflower, Trek Mix bar, and TJ's French Village yogurt. I'm sick of eating cauliflower. It's not even helping, my hands are still orange!

This afternoon I went with my favorite snack of CC and applesauce on a whole wheat English muffin, a nectarine (which my father bought and I only ate because it was going bad, hate unseasonable fruit!) and PB.

Okay, NOW I'll share the dinner I had on Sunday because I used part of it in tonight's dinner. I made Sicilian lentil pasta sauce. This was the best pasta sauce ever! Very "meaty" and hearty. Go make it. On Sunday I had it over angle hair pasta. My mom insisted on using real, white pasta, and I just went with it. Yayy! With kale chips.

So tonight I used the leftover sauce to make a barley bowl, a la Sophia! Greek Italian fusion, I suppose? I combined 1 c cooked barley, splash of EVOO, 1/4 c feta, the rest of the sauce, and kalamata olives. Not attractive, but yumskies. With a nanner, and a cute mini New Tree mint dark chocolate. Tasted like a Thin Mint!

I ate that in the car on the way from cello to therapy. Therapy didn't go as badly as I expected it to. My therapist asked to see a post/comments from the blog. So I printed out my post and the comments from March 20th, minus the url (don't need her spying on me!) She seemed pleased with it, for the most part. She was happy that even though I have an iffy relationship with food, I'm still able to get pleasure out of making new recipes/discovering new foods. Therapist also pointed out how well I was able to connect with all of you! We agreed that one of the many causes of my ED was not having a group of people that I felt like I belonged to, so we're both happy that blogging is a place where I feel I fit in. I love you all, just to add. She said that since I'm able to show my personality and form relationships with people online so well, I should actually try it in real life! Which is a valid argument. It's so much harder for me to talk to people at my school because they don't share the same problems and feelings as my readers do.

Right now, I'm munching on a thin mint. Gotta get that chocolate fix!

Goodnight, lovelies!

Lovely weekend!

Evening, blogland. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend! Mine went pretty well. Yesterday I had ballet, which went pretty well. No cruddy body-checking, it was just a really physically challenging class. Then afterward I went to Trader Joe's and got lots of yummies. Then to TJMaxx. I sadly didn't buy anything because everything there is either too flashy or too big. I also went to World Market, which is going out of business. It was one of my favorite places to shop because I could get cool international food and clothes there. The shelves were full a month ago, but this is how it looks now:
Darn this economy.

I pretty much just spent the day at home today, doing homework and practicing my music. I did go out grocery shopping though. I feel guilty because my goal for group this week was to socialize this weekend.. but obviously that didn't happen. On the bright side, ED didn't bother me at all!

Yesterday morning I made applesauce Cheerio muffins! I almost cried tears of joy when I found this recipe, because of my infatuation with Cheerios. I used honey nut, of course, and half white wheat flour. They were very fluffy and moist. But the Cheerios disappeared! This always seems to happen when you put cereal in baked goods. There was a nice touch of honey flavor.

And this morning I tried Morgan's yogurt oats. I used 1/3 c plain yogurt and 2/3 c water and they turned out so creamy and 'licious! I topped them with a chopped apple, brown sugar, cinnamon, and a graham cracker. I had other stuff too but this was the only picture I took.

I wasn't too hungry for my AM snack so I had gingerbread tea with milk and two Trader Joe's french twists for dipping. I saw these on Brooke's blog and picked them up yesterday. Her description was spot on, they were like flaky, crispy, cinnamon croissant puffs! Hard to believe that they're butter free.

Lunchikins was a sammich with dill hummus, veggie cream cheese and SPROUTS (my love!). Also plain yogurt with orange marmalade, cauliflower, and a Trek Mix bar.

Snack was popcorn with dark chocolate chips, a nanner, and almonds.

I will talk about dinner from last night because it was special. My mom has been helping me plan our weekly menus now and she suggested that we make one of my sister's favorite foods, mac and cheese. My mom picked this recipe, using long noodles (ACK what are they called??) and it was so good. Cheese exploded from every bite. Had it along with a salad.
It was a challenge to eat something so "decadent" as mac & chese, especially when I didn't pick the recipe. Stupid, but it's also more of a challenge for me to eat short pasta v. spaghetti, because I feel like it's less filling. Anyhow, I only felt a tad bit guilty but it slowly faded as I kept eating all of that cheesy goodness! I figured that every other not E.D.ed person lets themself indulge every once in a while without feeling guilty. It's totally healthy, and I can't expect to ever beat ED if I stick to safe, healthy foods all the time.

I'll talk about tonight's dinner some other time, because it was superb also. Now I need help with something totally non-ED related (I think). There's this boy in my Spanish class who I kind of tutored and helped him get an A for the quarter. Spanish is my best subject so I didn't mind helping this kid (who will be called B.) But now he won't leave me alone! He found me on Facebook, which I only use for outside of school friends. I ignored his FR, but at school, he keeps insisting on doing something to "repay" me for helping him. First he offered a card, then money, then walking me home from school. After I turned down all B.'s offers he passed me a note that says I'm a great friend and we should hang out and gave me his number so I can call him if I "ever want to talk". I DON'T WANT TO CALL HIM! I don't want him to like me, I don't even want to be his friend! He's an okay kid to talk to every once in a while, but I don't want to get close to him because a) We have no common interests. b) He has a girlish personality. My best guy friend is my best guy friend because he's a good listener. I can vent to him without him bringing up his own problem. B. does exactly the opposite. I have enough girlfriends to worry about, I don't need another! c) He kind of reminds me of a beaver.


Wow that was a really long rant. I am dreading class tomorrow because I know he's going to try to talk to me again. I don't know how to tell him to leave me alone without being rude. Crud. Maybe I can get a schedule change?

Don't forget to enter the Mixmygranola giveaway at An Apple a Day!

Try to enjoy your Mondays tomorrow, if that's even possible!

Oh yes, and the lovely miss Emily passed me this award:
Thanks love! I pass it on to Debbie, Kailey, Jess, Laci, Jemima, Brooke, and Stef. Here are the rules: 1) Add the logo of the award to your blog 2) Add a link to the person who awarded it to you 3) Nominate at least 7 other blogs 4) Add links to those blogs on your blog 5) Leave a message for your nominees on their blogs.

Night!

Tasty Granola Induces Frenzy!

Haha the title of today's post took me forever to come up with. It's been a long week and it takes a lot of mental capacity to come up with new acronyms every week! The frenzy means frenzied eating because granola is so darn good and I've gone too long without it.

I'm feeling a whole lot better, ED-wise, partly due to all your lovely comments! You all seriously have no idea how much it helps me to read such supportive words from people who know exactly what I'm going through. So thanks. I'm also feeling a lot better because I had group yesterday and I love my group girls. I told them that recently I've been torn between wanting to binge/restrict and recover, and they all completely understood how I felt. That alone made me feel almost back to normal. One of the oldest girls who has been through a crap load of treatment said "Be proud of what you've been through- how far you've come." It made me realize that so far in recovery, I've gained a lot more things than I've lost. Sure, I don't have my emaciated body anymore. But now I have my cello, ballet, friends, sense of humor, concentration, and many more things back. So why would I quit fighting now that I've just regained the things that are more important to me?

Mkayyyy, foodies. Among other things for breakfast I had a bowl of oats topped with powdered PB puffins, blueberries, and dark choco chips. Nom.

Lunch was a repeat of yesterday's, meaning a sandwich with yummus hummus and cream cheese. Also cauliflower, Chobby wob, and a Trek mix bar.

Before I left for my dietitian (which went well, scroll) I had an apple with cheese. But you all know what that looks like. When I got home, I had another snack inspired by the lovely Debbie's creative snack choices. We froze some leftover orange french toast, so I popped a slice in the toaster. Then I dipped it in cottage cheese + applesauce. Yum, I love having breakfast for snacks!

Dinner was one of the best I've had recently. I made feta cheese, kale, and red onions. I doubled the feta and tripled the OO, and just added the kale towards the end so it wouldn't get all limp. This was spectacular! Feta is my favorite cheese and I loved the taste of the onions together with the kale. I also had tofu cooked in EVOO with cumin and garlic and a slice of french bread.

Last night for my PM snack I had ice cream. I was craving chocolate sorbet and strawberry ice cream so I had both. The sorbet was as hard as a rock so I stuck it in the mircowave. I put it in too long though, because the top was all melty and soupy. I treated it as chocolate sauce and dumped it over my Ben and Jerry's and it was lovely. Tonight I plan on topping it with a caramelized nanner.

Now about my dietitian. I think that I've made it clear that I really hate the treatment center I go to (which my group is not a part of). They treat me as a walking eating disorder and put too much emphasis on weight. But, I like my dietitian because she treats me like a real person. I know that she cares about me and doesn't always just talk to me about my feelings towards food/exercise/cals/etc. She sort of tells me the same thing every time I see her though. I know where I need to challenge myself, and I don't want my parents to have to pay someone to tell me what I already know. I told her this today in the most polite way possible. She says that she, my therapist, and my ED doctor had a meeting and decided that I can stop going there in the near future! She said that she and my doctor will see me one more time in six months, and if everything goes well, I never have to see them again! Yipee! This is just another example of what I'd lose if I slipped again.

I'm going to go watch a movie now. Enjoy your evenings loves!

Change of plan..

Evening, loves. Sorry for not posting yesterday. I didn't skip posting for ED reasons, more like I was buried under a pile of homework and cello concerts and crappy TV (american idol!) watching. I think I'm going to take after Morgan and Brooke and switch to every-other-day posting. Even if I'm not feeling triggered or depressed. I have enough of an obsession with food, I don't need to end my nights thinking about it every day. Plus, sometimes I end up putting blogging ahead of some more important things. For example, my grades have been slipping lately (okay, slipping down to B's, but I can't have that) and I should be spending my extra time studying and doing homework, not posting food pictures. So maybe over spring break or on the weekends when I don't have so much to do I'll do daily posts again.

Also, sorry for being so negative in all my posts lately! I don't want to come off as a whiner.. it's just I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of feeling guilty, tired of blocking out negativity, tired of everything that recovery has brought into my life. I was comfortable during the worst of my ED- I didn't have enough energy to feel much of anything (except happiness when I lost weight) so there was no battle to fight. A lot of days I don't see a point in making the effort to recover, because I feel like I don't have much to live for. I feel like I'm complaining too much again. But I don't expect advice, I know I'll find out what makes recovery worth it. There's something inside of me that's telling me to keep eating despite the overwhelming guilt and regret I often feel, so I'm just going to trust that there is something better for me than my disorder and keep going.

Okay, end seriousness. For breakfast think morning with other stuffffff I had antioxidant oats! Which is bluebs, almonds, and dark chocolate topping on oatmeal.

Snack was normal, and lunch was somewhat difference, for once. Instead of nut butter on my sandwich I had veggie cream cheese and dill hummus, which was lovely. Hummus is yummus hehe. I also had cauliflower, a trek mix bar and TJ's "french village" yogurt. This was basically like reg. yogurt but slightly thicker and not as sweet. I like it.

I made a big batch o' barley this afternoon, and I figured that there was no better thing to do with it than make blended grains a la CCV. I used this recipe for banana brulee oatmeal, using barley. Wooo new favorite snack! So creamy. I ate it with a spoon on PB.

Dinner was excellent. I was really craving salad, but salads have been off limits lately because they're rather low in calories. So I made taco salad! I brushed a WW tortilla with olive oil, stuck it in a bowl, and baked it at 400* to make a shell. Meanwhile, I cooked 2 tbs of quinoa in 1 tbs olive and tossed in onions, green pepper, a Quorn chik'n cutlet, and zucchini (??). I poured it over lettuce in the shell and topped it with black beans and salsa. I'm not a fan of faux meat because I don't like to be reminded of the taste or texture of real meat, so next time I want to use tofu. Nom nom so tasty and fresh.
I jumped out of my window and ate this! Haha, not at the same time. I have an arbor thingy under my window that plants are supposed to grow on. It was close to 70 F and my parents weren't home to I sat on my arbor for dinner. Don't laugh. It's a good thinking place! I also had strawbs and graham crackas.

Then I jetted off to orchestra. It was good even though some idiot knocked over my cello. Stupid wind players. I bit his head off.

Guhhh I've just been hit with a wave of fatigue. Peace out girl scouts!

Breakfast for dinner

Heyyy lovelies. Sorry for not posting yesterday. I don't want to go into specifics but let's just say that some old overexercising habits got the best of me. I was not in the right state for blogging. Feeling better for the most part today.

I woke up earlier than normal this morning (accidentally) so I had extra time to make breakfast! I'm back to my big breakfasts for a couple days because I'm still afraid of getting hungry at school. I'll try to challenge myself more this weekend, though. This morning among other things I had blueberry cashew coconut oats! We've had a bottle of TJ"s 100% juice sparkling blueberry juice sitting in our pantry since Christmas and my parents cracked the bottle open just recently. So I cooked my oats in 1/2 c of that, and topped it with chopped cashews and flaked coconut. Mm mm mmmm.

This picture is from yesterday but it's exactly what I had today, but an apple instead of the pickle/ razzies. T'is a grilled whole wheat wrap filled with dill hummus, cream cheese, lettuce, cauliflower, carrots, and sundried tomatoes. So much better than a PB sandwich! Plus a kiwi lime passionfruit Rachel's (3rd favorite flavor) and a Zbar.

Before ballet, I had an apple with cheese. Afterward I had a cashew acai protect Think Fruit bar.
I quite liked this bar. I can't say that it had a strong berry taste though, the sweetness of the dates overpowered the acai I think. But, it did have really big chunks of cashews, which I love. And it was denser and less sticky than Larabars, which makes for optimum bar-breakage. I think I'll buy this again just because of the texture!

Ballet went badly again, along the lines as it did on Saturday. I feel so certain that this intuitive eating has made me gain masses of weight! I know that this is stupid and irrational and that I'm doing the right thing for my body, but I honestly don't care. I swear that every time I walk into that studio I look bigger. I can't even dance well because I feel like this new weight is just weighing me down. When I was twenty pounds lighter I could dance a lot more easily. I'm sorry for being so negative in all my recent posts! ED could be making me imagine all of this but he sure is good at making me believe it.

My dad was working late for dinner which means that me, my mom, and my sister had to have breakfast! We made orange french toast. I loved it, it reminded me of creamsicles! We only had crappy "lite butter" maple syrup, which I don't go for. So I topped my french toast with applesauce and a shmear of PB. Nom.

I also had a lot of this delicious fruit salad, made of strawberries, banana, grapes, canteloupe (which I avoided because it is vile!) and pinapple.

And for dessert I had a Thin Mint. At first I wasn't going to have any Girl Scout cookies because they have trans fat in them, but less than .5 g because it doesn't show on the label. Any food with trans fat is a major fear food for me. I convinced myself to have one because these only come once a year, and my dietitian/the girls in my group always tell me that there is no one food or ingredient that can make me fat. It was.. good. But not great.

Love you all lots! I'm off to do some HW and then watch GOSSIP GIRL!!! It's been too long... night!