Troubling Tuesday

I don't mean to be negative, I've just had a horrible day. I usually always feel a little down and depressed, but today I can barely even function. I felt like crying all day at school today, I couldn't laugh or smile, I just feel hopeless now. I don't know what triggered this either, so I don't know how to fix it. Unfortunately, when I get into one of these ruts and draw myself away from the real world, it gives ED a great opportunity to pester me. Today my thoughts have been about calories, weight, and cooking constantly.

Again, sorry to be so down but I just really need to vent, or something. I have no one else to talk to, I can't tell my friends, they have no idea I still have problems like this. Thank God I have this blog, I don't know what I would do if I couldn't get my thoughts out somehow.

Not very exciting food for most of the day. Just to give you an idea of what my usual lunch looks like:

PB sammie, TLC bar, carrots, and a yogurt. The yogurt is usually the only thing that changes...

For dinner tonight, I was planning on eating it in the car because on Tuesday I have to go from my cello lesson to therapy. I packed lentil salad from Veganomicon along with string cheese and a PB and cranberry apple butter quesadilla.

My mom was talking to my therapist alone this week, but I was supposed to come along anyway because there's no time between my lesson and my therapy to go home. My dad actually ended up picking me up from my lesson though, so I got to come come instead of going with my mom. I sat down to eat dinner, and I seriously could not get through the lentil salad. It didn't taste bad, my body was just rejecting it like crazy. I got through about half, then I literally couldn't make myself swallow anymore. I just wasn't craving it.

The funny thing though, is that I don't know what I crave anymore. I get hungry, but I can never tell what I actually want to eat to get rid of my hunger. And sometimes I'll eat something and I think "Yum, this tastes good." but when it's time to eat I can't recognize if my body is craving the thing that tasted good to me before. This all used to be so natural. What did I do to myself?

After the lentil fiasco, I was trying to just use up stuff in the fridge so I heated up about 2/3 of a leftover potato left over from the knish dough. I added a splash of milk and microwaved it (peeled) with the rest of my Amy's minestrone.
I still don't think it's really what my body wanted, but it tasted alright.

Hope everyone who went back to school today had an okay time. Stay strong, my girlies. Thanks to everyone who gives their time to read my blog!