Saturday, January 24, 2009


Like I mentioned yesterday, today was my first day back at ballet since November. I love dancing, and seriously would dance everyday if I had the time. Apparently I was one of the few who practiced over our break, so it was quite amusing to watch everyone else stumble around!

More on ballet later, so let's start with eats, yes? The other day I gave Fay my recipe for baked banana stuffed french toast because she said she wanted something sweet for breakfast. It's quite a weight-gainer's recipe though, with about 500 cals per serving. Fay had a little kitchen mishap trying to make a healthier version of it, so this morning I fiddled around and came up with a new recipe that works pretty well, and it significantly lower in cals. I give you baked (or not) banana stuffed french toast.
  • 2 slices whole wheat bread, on the thinner side
  • 1 egg white
  • 2 tbs milk
  • 1/4 tsp vanilla
  • couple dashes cinnamon
  • 1/2 banana
  1. Mash the banana with a fork. Sandwich it between the two slices of bread.
  2. Whisk together the egg white, milk, vanilla, and cinnamon.
  3. Plop the banana sammich down in the egg mixture and let it soak for about 30 seconds. Flip and repeat.
  4. Heat up a small pan sprayed with cooking oil, or with melted butter/oil or whatever floats your boat.
  5. Put the french toast down in the skillet, on medium high heat. Cook for 2-3 mins until the egg is set and it's kind of crispy. Flip with a metal spatula and do the same thing.
  6. Optional step: Bake at 350* for 4 minutes on each side. I usually skip this step because I'm lazy and don't want to heat up the oven for one thing.
It's not exactly as good as it's fullfat cousin, but it's still pretty yummy!

So after breakfast + a boring morning snack (almonds) I headed to ballet. Like I said before, the whole dancing part was fabulous. Really, I love to dance so much! No, what bothered me was the mirror. I've been avoiding the mirror for the past few months, other than to do the necessary things like brushing my hair and whatnot. I haven't been standing in front of the mirror letting ED pick apart my flaws and tell me how fat I am. But if any of you have ever been in a dance studio, you know that you are surrounded by mirrors there. Every way I turned this morning, I could look in the mirror and see something I hated about myself. My stomach pokes out more than hers. My face looks so blobby. My thighs touch, oh god, my thighs touch! I know I probably sound like such a drama queen baby right now. But arg I feel like my body has changed so drastically since the last time I was in the studio, and I hate it so much! It really lowered my self esteem, and kind of took away from my actual dancing. My feelings of disgust over my body are pretty much gone now, but I know that they'll come back every time I go back to my dance studio. This was I guess a mini-rant because ED takes away every single good thing in my life, but I'm so scared to stop him.

OKAY! I went to Trader Joe's today, wopee! In that stash is soy milk, TJ's olive oil (amazing), eggplant cutlets, 2 flavored yogurts, big tub of Euro style yogurt, PURE BARS (!), a zbar, fruit leather, and soy frozen orange creamsicles. I also got apples and crystallized ginger too.

For dinner, I made tangerine baked tofu from Vcon. But I had no tangerines, so it was clementine baked tofu. It was good, but my tofu always turns out really mushy. I don't know if it's because I don't drain it well enough, or just because it's not fried.
Also some sweet tater fries, yum! Hope you all had lovely Saturdays and enjoy the rest of the weekend!


Jemima said...

aww itotally sympathise with feling your body changing lovely - but you are healtheir now and tha's what's important :-) i'm s proud of you and please know you ar edoing the rihgt thing. i took your adivce and went out tonight - just got back, slighlty tipsy but very very happy. will update tomorrow. xxx

Anonymous said...

Love the french toast recipe! I think I just might have to try that.

Don't think about your new body in a negative way. Just say to yourself "Dayumm, look at those curves!" Your so much healthier now, keep it up girly!

Try pressing your tofu for 10 minutes. Make sure most of the water is out and that will make is crispier.

Jess :) said...

Oh Kiki I am sorry you keep scrutinizing your body. Try and not let ED make doing what you love a "bother"-that is what it wants. Come on girlie, you can do this!!! Have a wonderful night!!
<3 jess :)

Anonymous said...

I love seeing grocery hauls. I like your lovely TJ stash. Just wondering, have you ever tried the TJ Greek Style Plain yogurt? How does it compare to the TJ Euro Style plain yogurt? I noticed that they are the same price, but the Euro one is a lot more. Dunno if I should give the Euro one a try.

Breaking Free said...

I am so sorry that ED tried to beat you up today. Don't listen to!!! You are strong and have made amazing gains over your ED and have come so far in your recovery! And most of all you are NOT FAT!! You are healthy and beautiful and nourishing and taking care of your body. You are such an inspiration for me and I am working on getting to where I need to be. Keep hanging in there girl and don't stop fighting!

Sharon said...

Love the french toast - totally yum!
And stay strong, you are doing great.

I love your TJ haul!

Brooke said...

oh ballet :) it is so close to my heart.

this is a very difficult time but i know you will get through this! remember that you are recovering for yourself, your life and your body. and try not to compare to the other girls - chances are they probably have an eating disorder or eating issues. we both know you do not want to go down that road again! you have come way too far :)

i love your tj goodies! the orange creamsicles are so good! i love them!

Anonymous said...

This post made me giggle so much - thank you for showing me how it's done on the French toast!!! Bookmark bookmark! I'll be trying again very soon.

I'm sorry ED made an appearance today, I never knew he was a ballet dancing kinda guy. (you imagining ED in a tutu now ?I know I am it's a sight and a half). Seriously though, I'm proud that you didn't let bad body thoughts get in the way of doing something you love. Just know that they are distorted and irrational thoughts and keep on dancin! It might grow easier with time as you find a new perspective.

Maya said...

you have came too far to let ed tell you those lies! you are beautiful inside and out and a wonderful kind to your self,,you deserve only the best. i love you...and iam making those French toast in my attempt to gain weight:)

nourishing mornings said...

love the French toast recipe yum!
try to think of your new body as a positive thing i no how hard it is but you have came so far to let ed tell you such horrible things, i no soon i'll have to face my body changing in ip im petrified but i know it is all for the best and healthy is beautiful!

aussirish said...

hi girlie,
im sorry you were having negative thoughts regarding your body image today but remeber thats ed trying to distort your view of yourself and make you feeel bad for being healthier, but hun u shud be so proud of urself for everything yove accomplished in recovery :)
maybe try some affirmations to help with the body image? ive been doing them alot lately and feel alot better about mysefl!
yummy french toast so writing that down to do in the future!
have a great weekend hun
love u

Jemima said...

OK now that I'm slightly more soba - do you have the original recipe? Would love to try it XD
Love you lots,
Jemima xxxx
PS - my head HURTS!!

Burp~! said...

yeah, it's always a weird feeling as you discover more curves on your body...but curves are a GOOD thing! nobody looks good as straight as a stick. curves are what makes you feminine, it's what makes you sexy and desirable and HEALTHY. don't let things like this keep you from truly 100% enjoying dancing!
oh, and just something to alleviate your fears: I had a friend who was SO skinny (but not ED) seriously she was just tall and gangly and as straight as a beanpole, as flat as asphalt. but recently she's developed some hips, and her thighs became rounder...and all of a sudden she's quite a boy-magnet! that just proves how distorted our perception of attractiveness and beauty is! think of this next time you see some pre-pubescent skinny ballet dancers in your class!
what is the difference bwn euro yogurt and greek yogurt?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the recipe. I love french toast, but I never had banana with it! Yay for dance. I've never done it before but it seems like a great sport to do.

I can totally relate with the body change crap. It's hard to stay positive when there is so much that I dislike about my new (or not so new actually, it's been a year) figure. Just remember, it's only you who really cares about these so called 'flaws'. Nobody gives two shits really about those flaws. They just see an overall gorgeous girl.

alaina said...

argh i know what you mean about the ballet studio. that's a hard thing for me too because i would always compare myself to the others and it was so upsetting when i was no longer the skinniest. but then i realized, skinny=weak. ballet dancers can't be weak. you actually NEED good thighs to dance! whatever you do, don't let ed take away ballet.

Erin said...

that french toast looks scrumptious!!!
c'mon girl be happy you're here and on the road to recovery! it may take a while but that day will come, if you want it to that is.. i promise!!

until then just keep telling yourself that you have to get better for you and do everything for yourself... food is delish! how can we pass it up!?

<3 happy happy sunday

Mel said...

aw girl, i'm sorry to hear about your feelings during dance class today :-( don't let ED get you down!!! You are getting HEALTHY, and you wouldn't even be ABLE to dance without your health!! hang in there :-) PS, that french toast looks soooo good!!