Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Troubling Tuesday

I don't mean to be negative, I've just had a horrible day. I usually always feel a little down and depressed, but today I can barely even function. I felt like crying all day at school today, I couldn't laugh or smile, I just feel hopeless now. I don't know what triggered this either, so I don't know how to fix it. Unfortunately, when I get into one of these ruts and draw myself away from the real world, it gives ED a great opportunity to pester me. Today my thoughts have been about calories, weight, and cooking constantly.

Again, sorry to be so down but I just really need to vent, or something. I have no one else to talk to, I can't tell my friends, they have no idea I still have problems like this. Thank God I have this blog, I don't know what I would do if I couldn't get my thoughts out somehow.

Not very exciting food for most of the day. Just to give you an idea of what my usual lunch looks like:

PB sammie, TLC bar, carrots, and a yogurt. The yogurt is usually the only thing that changes...

For dinner tonight, I was planning on eating it in the car because on Tuesday I have to go from my cello lesson to therapy. I packed lentil salad from Veganomicon along with string cheese and a PB and cranberry apple butter quesadilla.

My mom was talking to my therapist alone this week, but I was supposed to come along anyway because there's no time between my lesson and my therapy to go home. My dad actually ended up picking me up from my lesson though, so I got to come come instead of going with my mom. I sat down to eat dinner, and I seriously could not get through the lentil salad. It didn't taste bad, my body was just rejecting it like crazy. I got through about half, then I literally couldn't make myself swallow anymore. I just wasn't craving it.

The funny thing though, is that I don't know what I crave anymore. I get hungry, but I can never tell what I actually want to eat to get rid of my hunger. And sometimes I'll eat something and I think "Yum, this tastes good." but when it's time to eat I can't recognize if my body is craving the thing that tasted good to me before. This all used to be so natural. What did I do to myself?

After the lentil fiasco, I was trying to just use up stuff in the fridge so I heated up about 2/3 of a leftover potato left over from the knish dough. I added a splash of milk and microwaved it (peeled) with the rest of my Amy's minestrone.
I still don't think it's really what my body wanted, but it tasted alright.

Hope everyone who went back to school today had an okay time. Stay strong, my girlies. Thanks to everyone who gives their time to read my blog!


Jess :) said...

Oh I am sorry your day has not been that great. We all have days like that and it's ok! Tomorrow will be better :) Do something you love: draw, paint, lounge around, whatever! You will get through this, I KNOW you can :) Stay strong!
<3 jess :)

Peanut Butter and Jenny said...

Kiki - I am so sorry that you had a difficult time today but there is no need to feel guilty about feeling down! We can't expect ourselves to feel great every day and a huge part of recovery is facing obstacles and moments of weakness and using these experiences to overcome and kick ED's ass a little more tomorrow! Don't give ED the satisfaction of bringing you down.. just try and get yourself a good night sleep and start new tomorrow :)! I'm always here for support if you need me love.. stay positive!

Sharon said...

I'm sorry to hear how it wasn't one of your best days. But keep your chin up! If you ever need to talk, I'm here! <3
I'm so glad to have come across your blog girlie, and I love reading your posts, so keep them coming. Glad this blog of yours is helpful for you too! -HUGS-

Brooke said...

im sorry you didn't have a great day! hopefully tomorrow you will wake up with a smile - then tell yourself that you are strong and beautiful! i also have the same problem with cravings. its frustrating! i find making lists of my favorite foods helpful for when it comes time to eating. im so glad blogging has been helpful, we are all here for you :)

dollymixtures said...

(***Big Hugs***)

Don't worry about feeling depressed. Tomorrow is a new day. ED has wicked ways of getting to us, and it can stop us from laughing, smiling and enjoying life.

You do amazing with your foods, and your blog is truly a really awesome inspiration to me, I just wanted you to know :D

Love you honey, stay strong <3

Maya said...

iam so sorry your feeling low:( i wish i could hug you,<3 it'll get better,i often have ruts that i feel so depressed,and sad,and cant stop thinking of my anorexic thoughts,,but it passes i swear..you'll be feeling like yourself any day now. love you! have a great day sweetie ill be thinking of you.

Megan said...

omgggg that lentil salad makes me want to die and go to lentil heaven!!!

and dont worry, everyone has an off day. it's what you take from it that matters, and i think tomorrow will be a whole new, sunshiney day for you :)

happy thoughts!! i'm rooting for ya :D

Jemima said...

Oh lovie, I know kind of how you feel - I too haven't been able to stop crying recently. You need to stop feeling guilty about it though - it's perfectly natural and recovery wouldn't be the hard journey it is without blug moments. <3 love you loads chica.

nourishing mornings said...

im so sorry you haven't been feeling great lately i have days like that all the time its horrible to feel depressed and low but we cant let ed take control in these cases you have to fight harder when times are tough. i love you and will be thinking of you today. i think you are doing so great and your eats are so delicious and pb sammies are a perfect lunch for at school.

Amira said...

so sorry your first day back sucked, i hope venting on the blog helped you get it all out and become more positive about tomorrow. We're all here for you, i hope the support helps. By the way I love reading your blog, keep the posts a cummin! And you got a whole heap of happy thoughts heading your way

aussirish said...

aw hun im sorry youve been having a down day..but try remeber this is just ONE day and tomoro will be better and happier....just try think of it like that and mayb itll help you feel a little less hopeless. feelings change and can change from negative ones to positive ones if you jus try refocus your thoughts onto something happier.
my hunger ques are so messed up..i never feel hungry so i can relate to not knowing what your bodys craving. ur doing great hun, its just one down day in the mist of all the great ones youve been having.
keep a positive outlook girlie,theres ups and downs in recovery, its all part of geting better..which is the goal you will achieve :)

ChocolateCoveredVegan said...

Oh Kiki, please tell that mean voice in your head that you are MUCH too good for him! Tell him to shut up, because the people who really matter (a.k.a. your friends and family) see the true you-- a terrific, fun person (I know I only know you from the blogging world, but even through that, I can see your sweet and fun personality). You are way too great a person to be brought down by such a bully.

Burp~! said...

ah I know what you mean, I have trouble recognizing my body's cravings as well...
but you're doing well, and we all have our down days...hope you pick yourself up soon...find something fun and interesting to focus your mind on instead of weight and food!