Wake up!

I got a rather large wake up call last night from my friend okie from CC. I was looking through my comments and saw this from her:

Kiki, are you still working on gaining? Because that doesn't look like enough food. Just here to nag you and try to keep you accountable. ;D

Then I started looking through my food pictures on here and I realized that what I’m eating now isn’t enough. I’m only a few pounds away from my goal weight, so I’ve cut back on food so I gain at a slower rate. I convinced myself that it would be okay for me to try the natural eating thing, where you eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re satisfied. But now I realize that my ED was just trying to trick me into thinking that since I’m close to “normal”, I should start eating like normal people do, which means not trying so hard to make sure they reach their calorie goal that they stuff themselves. I have a rather fast metabolism, but I get full easily. ED tricked me into cutting out hundred of calories each day because I felt full and didn’t need to eat anything more. I thought I was doing well in terms of recovery, but Okie’s comment made me realize that I still have a long way to go. It really disappoints me, but I’ll have to go back to mechanical eating until I can get ED out of my brain. Okie, will you comment again so I know that you know that your comment was appreciated?

Along with another pumpkin chocolate fig muffin, an egg, and an apple this morning, I had antioxidant oats! I mixed in some blueberries and dark chocolate, in other words. And topped it with vanilla yogurt.

Lunch and snacks were boring. For dinner, I wanted to have something that my family wouldn't normally like. I was looking on recipezaar and found a recipe for pineapple peanut stew. We didn't have any pineapple, so I thought "Well, banana is kind of a tropical fruit like pineapple.." And Peanut Butter Banana Stew was created. It was supposed to use kale, but I used spinach. Its seems like a really weird combo, but it was insanely good! The banana caramelized and turned into mush, and went well with the texture of the spinach and onions. And hello, the main ingredient is PB! It was lacking a bit of "zing" the pineapple would've given it, so next time I make it, I might add orange juice or something to give it a bit of acidity.

Ingredients:

• 2 tbs peanut butter
• 1/2 large banana
• 1/3 c onion, chopped
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 1/2 tbs oil
• 1 c spinach
• Tiny bit of tabasco, maybe 1/8 tsp?
• water

1. Cook onion and garlic in oil until onion is brown.
2. Add banana and about 1/4 c cup water and bring to a simmer.
3. Stir in spinach and more water, depending on how thick you want your stew to be. Cook over medium for 5 mins.
4. Stir in PB and tabasco, cook for 5 more mins. Add water as you cook to make it the consistency you desire.

I had it with buttered toast and dried figs, my favorite dried fruit. This made me uncomfortable full and the ED was going "Too much, too much!" but I pushed through. I want to be normal again.