Wednesday, April 8, 2009


I wrote some of this post earlier in the day yesterday, and it was supposed to be posted last night. You’ll understand why I didn’t get around to it I think.

Evening, loves. I’m posting two days in a row because I feel like it! I’m was feeling pretty positive today so I figured I’d take some food pics. So yay!

This morning for breakfast, I had CCV’s chocolate chip cookie dough oats. I used Katie’s melted banana trick in place of the sugar and it was divine! I can understand why her oatmeal-hater friend loved this. Soo creamy, just sweet enough, and I loved the texture the raw oats gave. Tasted really close to a real cookie!pics 001

For once, I didn’t want a sandwich for lunch! I made pthois, aka honey feta griddle cakes. I don’t know how to pronounce pthois either! But I can say that these were extremely delicious, even though I used whole wheat flour. Feta is my favorite cheese and the sweet and salty contrast was perfect. I topped each cake with sauteed carrots and broccoli (not greek but whatever), garlic hummus, and the last bit of feta. Voila, greek fajitas!pics 007

pics 009I also had a Stonyfield farm strawberry yogurt and cauliflower. I really do love veggies! Then a bit later I had a NP flax plus bar.

I was hungry for my afternoon snackity snack, so I decided on popcorn, with dark chocolate chips and almonds. I also had an apple with a laughing 042

Then I made a crocheted double-headband with buttons sewn on it. Random fact about me: I love buttons! Pardon the towel in the 039 

Dinner had to be eaten in the car on the way to therapy from my cello lesson. Boooo. I decided to just bite the bullet and add another 100 cals to my dinner today. I packed a black bean & guacamole sandwich, the best pear I’ve ever eaten in my life (Harry and David!), and…pics 048 That thing about the sandwich is a homemade Larabar-ish thing. Emphasis on the ish. I had half a banana left this morning and decided to use it. So I ground up 3 tbs almonds in the food processor, took those out, and blended the half banana and 1 tbs raisins. I know Larabars are supposed to have dates but I thought raisins would work too. Then I blended it all together, and ended up adding 3 tbs. of oats to make it sticky enough. I shaped them into two bars and stuck them in the fridge. I guess they’re more like Trek bars, because of the oats? But they taste good. Next time I’ll use dates.

Therapy went okay today. I hate my therapist. Just saying. My mom had to come with me this time and my therapist asked her what her main concern about me right now is. My mom said that she’s worried that I’m depressed because I used to go out with my friends all the time, but now I rarely do. I tried to explain to her that the friends I have are always busy on weekends and can never do anything. My therapist said I was making excuses and could find new friends, which I guess it partly true. She then explained to me how to start a conversation to ask someone to go somewhere with me. “So, what are you doing this weekend? Oh really, nothing? Oh, then we should go to the mall or something.” No dip, sherlock. I know how to socialize, I just can’t.

On the car ride home, me and my mom had an argument for the first time in a long time. She said that she thinks that I spend too much time blogging/commenting on my friends’ blogs, like it’s taking over my life. She said that last year, in the worst of my ED, I “tricked” her into thinking everything was okay when really everything was falling apart. She just wants me to have one really good friend in real life that I can talk to, because I never tell her what’s going on in my head and she doesn’t know if I’m relapsing or what. She says she understands that it’s hard to make plans, and just wishes someone would invite me somewhere and things would be “back to normal”. I got really upset and said “Do you think I want to be like this! No, I miss the way it used to be!” I can’t make her understand that my ED has ruined everything, there’s no way of knowing what normal is anymore. It’s not my fault no one asks me to go anywhere anymore. It’s not my fault that every friend I make leaves me for someone else! I’ve been trying to make plans with my friends, even some new people, but they always fall through the cracks. I can’t stand being blamed for something that is out of my control. I don’t know what to do. The relationship I have with you all is more real than any that I’m having in real life. If I couldn’t blog, I think I’d be even more depressed.

I was very tempted to restrict when I got home. It seems that that’s my preferred coping method these days. But, it’s only been a week since the last time I slipped and I’m just starting to build myself up again. So I didn’t. I pushed through my snack, because not eating isn’t going to solve anything.

Ummm, good morning, loves! Have a lovely wednesday!


amy. said...

Adorable headband! You are so creative. I love it.

Sorry you and your mom had an argument about socializing...I definitely feel pressured from my parents sometimes to "be out with my friends" since I'm 21 and in college. But I have to remember that the progress I've made is SOMETHING. You are at a tough age for friendship/social stuff, and its even harder with an ED. Keep your head up! You are a lovable, beautiful girl. I know things will turn around in that department :)


Maya said...

i have the same problem..i dont have any friends really..ed has taken that all is depressing. i wish i had friends. but this blogging world makes me feel like i have friends out there. which is great. if only we coulld be friends in the outside world and support each other through this hard life. ugh. i am right here with you babe. struggling too. but we can get over this hump and recover. you have inspired me so much...and i really admire your strength! one day we will look back and be recovered and be happy and this will just be a thing of the past. dont worry. life will get better. i am here for you and i love you. have a great day xox

Anonymous said...

well, so that answers my question about cheese at my blog! you're a feta-lover!

Kiki, I'm so sorry about the friend-situation. I know what you mean. I also lost a lot of friends due to ED. But that only made me treasure the last few remaining friends who stuck by me. your mother is right in the one point that you DO need friends. keeping to yourself can only make ED's voice louder. I know you've been trying, and of course you don't want to be this way, but perhaps you've got to try harder? take some new initiatives like joining a new club or something? at least find some people to hang out with who shares similar interests as you, so that when you are surrounded by people, ED's voices will be drowned out. you're such a sweet, amusing, witty, intelligent girl that I refuse to believe it's tough to find someone who will hang out with you. anyway, at least you know you DO have friends in the blogging world to support you and cheer you on, though we have not yet met!
I wish you all the best luck, kiki!
oh, and you look SO adorably pretty in that headband!

Anonymous said...

Now I must make those cookie dough oats, how scrumptious!

Love your homemade Larabar! I've got to get on that, it seems everyone is making their own now.

CUTE headband! Now I have that Pussycat Dolls song 'Buttons' in my head. haha

It's really hard for me to go out and interact as well. I have made progress but I'm not going out every night partying. I think it's just really hard at a time like this.

I hope you and your mom stop fighting (I know that's a huge issue for me) and that home stops triggering you to restrict. I always feel that way too...

Jemima said...

Love the headband!

I have EXACTLY that argument with my parents AT LEAST once a week. All they want is for me to be out of the house, getting drunk, going to parties, having boyfriends.. If I go out and come back tipsy, I get congratulated! But I hate it.. ED loves to isolate and I feel so insecure in social situations.. something to work on but lovely, you're not alone. And I know you will eventually reach a stage where you will have loads of friends. Because you are such an amazing and beautiful person inside and out, that anyone who doesn't want to be your friend is clearly insane.

nourishing mornings said...

love your headband! and that Lara bar type thing sounds great!
i have the same problem with not having much friends, but this blog world brings a sense of friendship to me too. you are such a beautiful and wonderful girl and anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend.

Baylee♥ said...

hey hun!

i think many of us know all too well that socialiazing and making new friends is much easier said, than done. i have always moved around alot, and had alot of difficulties making friends - - and then ED came along and pretty much kicked any friends that i had out of my life. the true ones realized what was going on and stuck around despite my ridiculous behaviors.
i think it will be easier to make friends once you get a little bit older too. granted, high school can be a clique fest, but if you find the right people, they wont be so quick to judge.
i still struggle with making friends, but i think it becomes easier with the better i get with ED. its like i want to have friends that are friends with me because of who i am, not because of what ED made me into.
i think its also a scary consideration, because most of the time, we hear about how anorexics are isolated, or how they're big party girls, or 'drunkorexics'. personally, i would much rather be talking to my bloggies at night than passed out on some random person's couch because i dont weigh enough to hold my alcohol.

as for the blogging, i ask myself sometimes if i DO spend too much time blogging and commenting. but ive learned to consider it to be 'me time' and time to get my feelings out. however, it does sometimes remind me of the pro-ana blogs, as i used to be a huge believer in those. thank god im not anymore. THOSE definately consumed my life. i would bring it up with your therapist next time about how your mom thinks you need to stop spending so much time blogging. maybe she has some ideas.

have a lovely wednesday! love you!

Meg said...

You are so creative, always making/cooking/baking something so neat! I love it. You are so beautiful as well, by the way!

I'm so sorry about the situation with your Mom lastnight, involving your friends and all. Ed makes it so hard to be able to contain friends, because they don't understand what you're going through. It's so easy to connect with the bloggers here, though, because they do understand - which is amazing. You read and you're just like "Wow, I can relate" I find myself saying that on about every post I read, and it's comforting, it's a friendship like no other that we experience with our blogging friends. Hopefully one day we'll be able to meet at least one or two people from the blogging community and stay in connection with them, and really feel the love as a true, real friend. I think the more & more you push ED out of your life, you'll find that more& more people are able to connect with you and become your friend. It's just hard right now as you're still in the midst of gaining a full recovery - which we all want so badly. I love your lunch - like I said, you are SO creative! It sounds delicious. Oh, and LC + Apple = yum! Haha! I hope you have a wonderful day. Glad to hear you didn't restrict lastnight despite the urges, you're so strong, keep on pushing :)

Love, Meg

Breaking Free said...

Kiki I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of you!! I know that it took a lot of courage to get back up to a healthy eating plan again and I am so glad that you are sticking with it. I also had one of these bouts about 3 or 4 weeks ago. Suddenly eating became extremely hard again and I felt like I just couldn't do it anymore. I cut out my evening snack and restricted a bit from my main meals for almost a whole week and I just felt so depressed. But then suddenly I realized that what I was doing was wrong and I pushed myself to get back to where I needed to be. It was a really scary time because it reminded me of how powerful my eating disorder can be. I know that if I hadn't pushed myself when I did the whole restricting cycle would have started all over again.

You are absolutely right when you say that not eating will not solve anything. I think that is one of the most important things to learn in recovery.

Even though you are still struggling you are doing great hun. Just take it easy these next couple of days and give yourself some "me""you" time.

Sorry that you and your mom got into a fight. I have had MANY of those, believe me. And I am sorry about the friend situation. I hope that it gets better and you find some really good buddies who can trust and talk to whenever you need to.

Don't think of your struggles as a setback. You've just been having a pretty crummy week. It happens to everyone. Just pick up right where you left off, and don't look back.

You are strong Kiki and I know you can do this!

Love and hugs!

Anonymous said...

Kiki that headband is very neat. Creative.

And the fight with your mom, that's tough. Sometimes I feel that blogging is taking up way more of my time than it should. I think I may have to start limiting myself some :/

I wish I could be where you are though girl, I would totally hang out with you in person over the internet anyday!

Hang in there. Great job not letting ED get to you while you were down.


Sharon said...

Awh, that headband is so adorable!
Sorry to hear about not liking your therapist. I see where she is coming from, but I don't think she realizes that it is easier said than done.

ChocolateCoveredVegan said...

It's gorgeous! Thank you so much for blogging about it!!

I love the headban; you're so pretty :)

Pammy said...

I feel the same way about socializing. My parents always make comments about how I never really go out. I haven't had a normal high school experience seeing as all of it was consumed by my Ed and almost half of it has been consumed with treatment. I completely understand how frustrating it is. Just remember that as you break away from Ed you will begin to form new friendships. I am so sorry you are struggling right now, I know you can fight and pull through though. Stay strong love

Anonymous said...

your lunch sounded wonderful! I'm a big feta fan myself :-]

Peanut Butter and Jenny said...

Whoa Kiki! you are so talented.. that headband is gorgeous. I would definitely buy that if i saw it in the store.. I want one!

I'm so sorry to hear about your argument with your mom about socializing.. i know how difficult it can be - because people who have not suffered with ED just can't understand .. actually, even my myself - who has an ED .. don't understand why the disorder causes us to be isolated so much.. i just know that it does. I know it's frustrating to feel like no one understands. I know how difficult it is and i am always here for you when you need to talk, angel. You are an absolutely phenomenal girl with so much inner beauty and talent - let it shine girl and i know that people will instantly be drawn to you.

Have a beautiful day, girl.. love you! xoxo

K from ksgoodeats said...

I think Amy hit the nail on the head in regards to socializing!

Your sandwich for dinner sounds like a great combination! I've never heard of pthois!

aussirish said...

hey girlie
love the hairband :)
im sorry to hear about the argument with your mum..its hard for our parents to understand what an eds like and it can definetly cause tension. but remeber hun your still in recovery, so youve still got things to work on, so still having issues with socilaizing is completely normal..its something i struggle with too.
im so proud of you for not restricting though :) way to go hun!
love you lots

Brooke said...

i think we all feel this way - isolated and friendless. i know my parents constantly ask me to get out of the house and socialize. i would love to! i miss that part of my life that has been absent for so many years. yet i am still attached to so many of my ed issues like routines and feeling safe, that going out and being spontaneous with friends is not in the picture. but that is why recovery is so worth it. you are still young and you have so many years ahead of you!

never forget, you are beautiful - inside and out. people your age are crazy not to want to hang out with you.

and love yourself sweetie. we have to have a good relationship with ourselves before we can have relationships with others.

cute headband! and yummy eats :)

love you,
brooke <3

Nancy said...

I love your headband! It's so cute! And love your homemade Larabar. I totally understand where you're coming from. My sister has a ton of friends. And I have 2 close ones. But sometimes they get annoyed with me. Maybe you could join a club? Maybe...a craft club! :)

Anonymous said...

I love your headband ~ it's so beautiful and really suits you : )

I know exactly what you mean about the friends thing. I honestly felt more connected to the blog world even as a reader than I ever have to anyone in 'real' life. I'm not much of a social person, I never was, even before ED. People just don't seem to share my interests and / or just want to go out and get wasted which is just not my thing. Plus there's a lot of bitchyness that I just like to keep out of.

You have to ask yourself if you are naturally someone who prefers to be alone, and if you are then that's okay! Not everyone is a social butterfly and I think it was rude and patronising of your therapist to talk to you in the way she did.

It takes so much will and strength to pull yourself out of a potential relapse and you should recognise your progress ~ it's such an emotionally draining process that you shouldn't feel pressured into going out by anyone.



Learning to Cope w/ Eating and College said...

I think it is awesome that you are taking the steps to find recovery. I personally have been really struggling and I wish that I could take the steps that you are taking to help yourself. I hope that with the support of you and the blogging world, I will be able to get through this very difficult time in my life!! :(
If you have any recommendations for where I might start with my recovery, I would greatly appreciate it!! :)

Lexi said...

Hey you,
I have problems socially as well. I feel like I have no friends in town (pretty much all of them are gone at college) and I haven't made many friends in college since I live at home. When my friends come home from college, I try my best to do 1 social thing. Just one, because I don't want to overwhelm myself. You are totally right, one step at a time is the way to go. I'm so proud of you for pushing thru your snack when you felt like restricting. You are such a smart, beautiful person and I'm so glad you are working hard in recovery right now. I'm extremely proud of you too!! Love always,

Gaby said...

Hey love! I just wanted to say I completely understand how you feel. ED is very isolating. I've been going through a sort of isolated period myself. It just seems so much more appealing to stay at home alone, and there really is nothing wrong with spending time with yourself as long as it's what's making you happy at the moment. But it can also be really nice to spend time with friends too even if it's forced at first.My mom also told me last week that I needed to pull myself out of this "slump" so I forced myself to go out dancing, to go out to dinner, I ended up hanging out with friends this week I haven't seen in probably over 6 months. And as it turns out, it is fun! I'm not going to become a crazy social butterfly, because it's just not me, but maybe try reaching out to old friends and see if they want to go to the mall and catch up/ do some shopping. or tomorrow in orchestra or a favorite class, talk to someone you'd like to get to know better and see what they're doing this weekend. Small steps at a time.
I'm so proud of you for adding 100 cals to your dinner! Keep pushing through this because you know you still need more.
Your lunch looks delicious (albeit a bit small :X) as do the rest of your eats.
Big hugs!!