Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Just for your information

…I’m going to be away for a little while. I’ve been feeling really depressed since Sunday. There wasn’t one trigger event that started this. It’s probably due to me staying at home all spring  break and not seeing anyone but my family. Also the weather is gray, cold, and drizzling, which always makes me feel sad. I just want to curl up into a ball and stay there forever, I don’t want to go outside or to school or to cello. School today was atrocious. Everyone was talking to me about what I did over break and it took everything in me to answer them, to not cry because I want to be cut off from everything.

There have been no ED side affects from this, so far, and I’m hoping to keep it that way. For once I don’t actually care about food and am just seeing it as a necessity. I’ve been eating everything on my MP with no problem and don’t feel like giving it any extra thought right now.

I won’t leave you all without any pictures though. I decided to start a 365 days of pictures thing on Monday, so I can get some use out of my camera beyond food pictures. It’s exactly what it sounds like, taking a picture a day for a year.

Day #1, April 13- My family decided to go to the National Zoo. I hate zoos, I find it very depressing to see animals confined into such small spaces with people gawking at them from every direction. This orangutan was enjoying some orange slices before a mob of people came to stare at it. When he noticed, he put the paper bag the orange was in over his head to hide. :[pics 037 

Day #2, April 13- Photograph of a poster, how lame. I forget the details, but my uncle was some how involved in planning a concert with Yo-Yo Ma. He got a chance to talk with Yo-Yo (what a fun name!) and told him that his niece played the cello. So Yo-Yo signed a poster thingy for me. It says “To Kiki, with _____”, something I can’t make out. Probably not with love, maybe with good luck? Cool none the less.pics 035

Sorry for such a non-post. I don’t know how long I’ll be away, I just want to get back on my feet before I start food blogging again. I have group this Thursday, perhaps it will help. I was supposed to have made progress since two weeks ago. Fail.

I haven’t been commenting but I’ve read up on all your blogs. Much love, night.

28 comments:

shelby said...

You are not a failure! You're just having a minor setback that I know you can get through. Keep fighting hun!

Love the picture idea, I just might take that up for a new challenge! Besides food that is...

Peanut Butter and Jenny said...

I hope this blogging break is beneficial for you sweetheart, and you are able to find happiness in the world. I think the 365 pictures idea is absolutely wonderful - what a great way to capture and appreciate all of the beauty in this world

please don't hesitate to email me if you need anything, angel <3

love,
-Jenny

Tiny Tina. said...

Oh Kiki. You're just..stuck in a rut. It'll pass, I promise. I'm feeling like this as well..I'm on Easter break and have really refrained from going out that much..you just need to know though, that as you keep pushing the urge to just get out there and live life to the fullest will be there in full force. You have SO SO SO much fantastic things to come in your life, really! And good always follows the bad..
Stay strong my love.
xoxo

Lauryn said...

kiki, do whatever it takes -- we'll be waiting and thinking about you in the mean time! i love your 365 pictures idea, and can't wait to see what you find! you're amazing, stay strong! xoxo

Breaking Free said...

Oh Kiki I am going to miss you so much!! Take all the time you need to sort things and get back on your feet again. And as for not making progress, I SERIOUSLY DISAGREE!!
Compared to two weeks ago you have made TONS of progress. You added back in your snacks, you got back on your healthy mp again, and most importantly YOU STUCK TO IT!! AND you are not allowing your mood to affect your eating.
That is HUGE progress!!

Much love to you Kiki!! Take care!! Write me if you everwant to talk okay?

~Raina

P.s. I love the idea of taking pictures. I take pictures all the time--things I like, plates I adore, cute foods, totally random things, ANYTHING!

Lexi said...

I totally support you in taking this blog break. take as much time as you need! I hope everything is okay. Let me know if you need anything. Love,
Lex

tinyirishdancer said...

*huggles*

Feel free to message me on FB anytime, love. I can relate to the feeling of wanting (but somehow not, at the same time?) isolation - I went through it a couple weeks ago. Focus on taking care of yourself, oky?

That said, I like your picture-a-day idea! Such a cute orangutan. =]
Although I don't like seeing animals confined, either...I nearly went into hysterics during one of those dumb dolphin shows, once.
Grr.

Well, it's dindin time for moi, now.

I luff ya, hon. Hope you feel better soon. <3

Sharon said...

Keep your chin up, hope all goes well Kiki. <3

havefaith4ever said...

You are not a failure at all!!! Take a break for as long as you need to. I want you to be happy. Kiki, you deserve to be happy, ok? I am really liking the 365 day picture thing. What a great idea! Have some much needed rest. I completely understand!
<3 jess :)
xxx

emmyster said...

Kiki,

We'll definitely miss your posts while you're away.

Hang in there girl, but I agree, breaks can be good.

It'll be great to see your posts again when your back in the mood.

Loveyababe.

-E

K from ksgoodeats said...

Do what you need to do, girlie!! Always, always put yourself and your happiness first! We'll be here whenever you need us :)

Tori said...

::hugs: I am sorry that you're feeling so down, and I hope that your group is able to help you. But you are not a failure. You have been trying so hard, and you said it yourself - you are following your meal plan to a T. That is something to be proud of, it is a success. You know, everyone has days - even weeks- where they just don't feel that great or all that motivated. Stress wears on you and it can bog you down for a bit, but eventually the clouds will lift. The fact that you aren't letting yourself be entirely consumed by the fog is truly admirable. I know from experiene, those depressive feelings make it all to easy to relapse, but you are making great strides just by not allowing it to happen. You may or may not have succeeded in getting your calories entirely back up to what you need - I don't know. But as long as you are up from where you were restricting at a few weeks ago - that is still huge progress. No one expects you to fix things perfectly overnight. Recovery is a process and it takes time and patience. I know, I know. Its the hardest thing in the world to accept, that you really can't get it perfect right off the bat. But think of it as a learning experience. You don't have to be SuperKiki! all the time - you are allowed to be human, because that's what you are. Take a breather, collect yourself and regain your strength. I have faith in you.
If you ever need anything, need someone to talk to or whatever - feel free to message or email me.You knwo I'll be there.
xo
Tori

Nancy said...

*hugs*

I'll be waitin' for you to post cutesy things again! :)

Pammy said...

I hope this break is helpful for you. Do whatever you need to to get back on track. You can email me or facebook me (Pam Scalise, New Britain High School) if you need anything. Stay strong love

Meg said...

Oh Kiki I'm so sorry you've been feeling so down lately! I totally agree with you that this weather sucks, it's certainly not pleasant in the least bit. Let's hope for some sunshine soon, though. I love the new idea of 365 days of pictures, what an amazing idea! You are seriously one of the most creative people ever, and I know I've told you this numerous times, but just to remind you ;)

Have an amazing night - you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, Meg

dailydulcie said...

Hi lovely Kiki <3

I am sorry that you have been dealing with a lot of upsetting emotions lately. Take as much time as you need away from food blogging to figure out what's going on. A nice break will definitely be beneficial :) Relax, breathe, and believe in yourself. You are strong and beautiful in the inside and out. I wish you all the best!! I will miss you!

Love always,
Dulcie xo

If you need advice about ANYTHING or just someone to talk to.. feel free to email me at ANYTIME.

dulciejvon@aol.com

ohsoravenous said...

I love you cutiepie and please know I'm ALWAYS available to talk!

We can have one big bloggah partay <3

Gaby said...

You're not failing Kiki, as sucky as it is to be depressed, you're winning, and you're taking huge steps forward by not letting this affect your eating habits. That means you're differentiating between emotions and food and not letting tough times dictate how you take care of yourself. You're learning that no matter what you still need food, you need your health and you need to take care of #1 to be able to handle anything else.
I'm sorry you're feeling down, I completely understand, I go through phases like that too, take all the time you need and remember that it always passes, everything does, and things will get better.
Try giving some of your classmates a chance when you feel up to it and you might be surprised at how much fun you have. It's also totally ok that you spent the break with your family, family can be really nice too! I probably spend 10x more time with my family than any other 20 something i know.
I love the picture idea, it's really good for you to keep up your other hobbies because you really are a very talented and intelligent girl and you need to let that shine through! Keep your chin up and email me if you need anything (gabsodon@aol.com)
BIG HUGS!!

Lyssy said...

I'm sorry that you have to go through this, Kiki. :( You'll be back on your feet in no time! Taking a break from blogging really helps sometimes.

Stay strong~!

Stef said...

I just caught up on your last few posts..sorry I've been SO BEHIND on commenting. Aww Kiki I'm so sorry that you've been feeling depressed. It's really tough, and I can't imagine being in high school going through all this junk again! Things will get better, this feeling is only temporary, and I'm SO PROUD of you for not letting ED behaviors creep in. I love the 365 picture thing...cute orangutan! Actualyl I love all the pics you've posted, keep it up! I hope you feel better tomorrow, and I understand that you need to take a break from blogging but don't forget that we all care about you and I'll miss you until you come back for sure!

Stef said...

PS

UM HOW COOL ABOUT YO-YO MA!! WTF? HE basically KNOWS you!! hahahaha that is pretty awesome of your uncle to bring you up and get a poster signed. NICE!

~Jessica~ said...

That first photo is so moving and sad ~ it actually made me cry a little. I hate zoos too ~ the only function they should have is for conservation purposes and even then the animals need far more space and better care, care that does not involve idiots staring at them all day.

I'm so pleased you've stuck with your plan and I truly hope that things pick up for you ~ you deserve some happiness and light, and I'm sure you will find it.

~Jessica~
xxxxxxxx

rediscoveringlauren said...

hi sweetheart,
im sorry youve been feeling down lately, i know how hard it can be to feel like your living in a lonely bubble. Hang in there and take all the time you need for yourself!
you can and will get past this hun, im always here, an email away if you need ANYTHING!
love you girlie
xxxx

Laci said...

Hey hun,
sorry you are feeling so low, remember, you are so amazing and have come so far it is not worth it to think of depressing nothingness and otherwise take a new risk or challenge every single day, even when you're not feeling it! :-0
That oranatang is making me tear up, the way you put it :-(
Try to enjoy your last few days as best you can- see if you can enjoy some cello, watch a good film or make another cute top! ;-)

burpandslurp said...

oh no, kiki! I've been wondering why I haven't heard from you and I missed you, and only now discovered you're going through some emotional struggles...I'm so sorry for the late comment!
I hope you cheer up soon, and email me if you just need to talk or rant or anything!
and in case you do, don't think this has to do with relapsing...evrybdy has their down moments, don't let ED use this as a chance to dishearten you!

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