Saturday, April 4, 2009

On my way up, again.

Thank you so much to everyone who left comments on my last post. I cried every time I read a new comment, no kidding! I wrote down a lot of your helpful advice, for the next time a mood like this strikes. I realize that there will always be ups and downs in recovery, and I should expect them. Just last week, I was doing so well, but WHAM, out of nowhere comes ED. I don't really know what else to say, but it means the world to me to have people going through the same thing as me leave me such caring responses. I don't know what I'd do without blogging!

I suppose that I'm still in a "down" of recovery. Sorry to post numbers but since Wednesday my cals have been at 1600 (three meals and a little snack), with exercise. Which is significantly lower than they need to be. I guess I could just add all my missed calories back, in one fell swoop, but I don't want to overwhelm myself and lose even more progress. My issue right now is that I can't make myself care about the consequences of ED. Like, I was on a walk yesterday in 60 degree weather and was shivering. I thought "This will feel ten times worse if I have no fat on me." And today, I couldn't concentrate on my cello or in ballet, and remembered how I felt that way every day when I was at my lowest. But the thing is, every time I think of a way that ED will ruin my life, I just shrug it off and think about how happy I'll be when I start losing weight again. The rational side of me knows that this is wrong, but I feel like ED has no consequences for me. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but it makes sense in my head. I'm just going to trust that when I was still in my positive, pro-recovery mode, I was doing the right thing.

Since this is a food blog, I suppose that I'll post some food pics! Even though I was feeling triggered this morning, I was still in the mood for some weekend morning baking. It makes me feel peaceful. I made bran muffins, subbing a banana for the raisins. Usually I don't associate bran muffins with the word yummy, but these were spectacular! They had just the right amount of sweetness, and the bran flavor was subtle. I ate them warm out of the oven and enjoyed biting into the chunks of caramelized banana!

After breakfast I went to ballet. It was mehhh, I won't go into specifics. Lunch was eaten at the mall again. My sister usually comes with me and my mom to my ballet class and seems to think that we have to stop at the mall and eat every time. I hate it. I got a subway veggie delite with cheese, assorted veggies, and olive oil. Imagine a bag of baked lays chips with this too.

I decided to add my afternoon snack back today. My favorite, an english muffin with CC and applesauce, kiwi, and sunflower seed butter. I won't lie- I cried while I was eating this. Why is it so easy to take away calories, but so hard to add them back? So easy to slip and lose progress, and so hard to gain it back? I'm just going to keep taking small steps like this until I get my intake where it needs to be again, I think.

Then I went to Whole Foods! Nothing like a little grocery shopping therapy. Here are my purchases:
Apples, strawberries, one vanilla and one plain Oikos (using my coupons! can't wait to try them), a Rachel's yogurt, passionfruit Zico coconut water, my favorite lemon vanilla cashew nectar bar, pretzels, multi grain rice cakes, NP flax plus granola bars, refried black beans, NP fig waffles (!!!!!!!) and Cyclops Greek style banana frozen yogurt.

For dinner, I made my favorite, polenta! Using my favorite recipe, feta and mozarella as the cheeses. If you've never had polenta, try this recipe! It's so creamy but so easy to make. I had it with kale chips, and a slice of homemade bread. Perfect meal.

As you may have noticed, I tried to change my blog layout today. The background is supposed to look like this, but it's not centered properly. I changed my template to minima and used these instructions for getting a 3 column template to see if that would center it, but it didn't work. Anyone know what I'm doing wrong?

Love you all so much! Good night!

Arg, where is my head? Don't forget to enter the CCV in a box giveaway!


Okie said...

Hey Kiki. :) I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling, but so happy at the same time to see that you're fighting back! Remember: there will always be ups and downs in recovery and in life in general, but the difference is how you handle those. The difference is when you hold on to hope and keep on eating—even when you have to cry through it. Keep fighting, girl, because you're fighting the good fight. We're all rooting for you.

Tiny Tina. said...

YESYESYESSSSSSSS! I am so happy right now, I have this massive grin spread across my face! I am so proud of you, you're a bloody inspiration! The fight is so hard, I know it is..but you've got your sexy boxing gloves on again and you're back in the ring, knocking that life-ruiner out one step at a time! (jeez..I have some weird analogies =\)It's okay to cry. ED is trying to tempt you with his siren call, his empty lies..but they are just that. Empty. Hollow. Losing weight will bring nothing but even more pain, and I know you do know that.You most certainly were doing the right thing by being in recovery, and you still are! It's so normal to go through horrible moments like these, when you feel controlled by ED. But I know you'll "See the light", so to speak.
Lots and lots of love!

emily. said...

ED is an sneaky little booger like that. He likes to try and take you down at your weakest, rather than fight a fair fight. Keeping beating him down and don't give up.
Just remember (never forget!):
Healthy, happy Kiki = good thing.
ED and his "thoughts" = bad thing.

I love when you bake! <333
You have such talent, girlie.

Glad that you could use your Oikos coupons. None of the stores around here carry Oikos so I'm stuck.
Virtual yogurt-fest, anyone? ;)

Have a wonderful Saturday night.
We're here rooting for you- your own personal cheerleaders. :) <333

Sharon said...

Hum, I am not sure why the background isn't showing up the way it should. Hope you get the figured out.

And I really hope all goes well for you. Thus far, you have been doing very well Kiki. And you're amazing when it comes to baking! I totally wouldn't mind one, or two of those delicious muffins!

Nancy said...

Well, I like your background so far! 'Tis pretty! I also love grocery therapy :) I have yet to try those Nectar Cliff bars (can't find them anywhere!).

I'm so happy to hear that you are trying your very bestest to fight back! I'm rooting for you! Go Kiki go! <3

Laci said...

Hey hon,
So sorry you are still in a depressed stte- it's ok to take it easy for a while- but just remember to keep fighting ED thoughts no matter what! Try to remember controlling food is not helpful to recovery when you are stressed out- I know this is SO SO hard but vital- you seem to be managing ok, hope you feel better soon. :-(
I can definatly relate to "it's so easy to restric but so hard to gain the strength to fight for your life and go pro. recovery" but no matter what, we know deep down it is the right thing to do. Look at how far we have come- why start heading down the hill again, that would be an enormously horrible decision- it's too easy to slip up and start thinking negitively and all, but I know you are too smart and amazing to let this get to you that deep.
Take care, E-mail me whenever you want love,
Laci ;-)

Lexi said...

Hey you, I'm proud of you for adding a snack back in. It looks delicious! I've gotta try the CC and applesauce combo. Keep working hard, girl. I'm so proud of you for fighting this!
Love always,

ChocolateCoveredVegan said...

Where is your head? Hopefully it's on your body, or you'd look pretty scary LOL! Thanks for the shout-out; I entered you again :)

Those muffins look gooey and amazing!!

Tori said...

Hey Kiki,
I am glad to hear you are on the mend. You are so strong to want to pick yourself up again. I understand the needing to work back up to where you need to be. It does help to take steps back up - makes it feel more structured and much less intimidating. I know you can do it Kiki, you can get yourself back. You've already acknowledged the side affects restricting even just that short period of time had on you (feeling cold, lack of concentration). Being able to recognize even that much is huge, and I am so glad you did. You've always been a big inspiration to me, even before I had a blog. ^.^ You still are. Everyone struggles, but the fact that you want to pick yourself up again is beautiful. Even in the hardest of times, the real Kiki always comes shining through - beautiful inside and out as always.

Anonymous said...

Lovely eats--that polenta looks amazing! I'm sad to see you restricting. It breaks my heart. I know that it feels like you are doing something "good" when you restrict, but it's so harmful (I know you already know this--just stating it again :)..) We all love you SO much and hate to see you not happy. You can do this girlie--and I am so proud of you for fighting. Keep on fighting love!
<3 jess :)

Anonymous said...

And I hope I didn't offend you by anything I said!!!

Aubrey Nicole Lee said...

Hang in there dear. I am also facing some struggles yesterday. I totally B and P. Real bad of me, I know. But this is life. Just like being physically ill, you can't get well by eating all the cakes and muffins. You need to eat veggies and soup, and worst, THE WORST-TASTING MEDICINE before you get really well. See the analogy? We can do this KIKI. I am on the same boat. SO don't feel all alone in this fight. Saty strong, coz I will too. NO giving up okay? Please promise me that!

XOXO, aubrey nicole

Baylee♥ said...

God, I dont know how you do it girl. Seriously, when I was your age, i wouldnt have had nearly as much strength as you do to pull it all together and reach out for what you need instead of what you want at the moment. You are truly amazing, and I hope you realize that.

aussirish said...

hi hun
im really sorry your still having a hard time but im so proud of you for trying to push through and up the cals again, like with bringing back the afternoon snack.
the more you fight back, the harder ed does too at times, but remember how far uve come kik, you can get past this rough spell, i know it!
have a lovely night girlie
much love

Stef said...

Sorry you had a hard day and that ballet was just "meh" =(

I'm so happy that you can recognize the benefits of sticking with recovery like being able to better tolerate the cold! Mmm polenta! I think that Lauren (of Laugh, Love, & Spunk) has the same template and she got hers to be centered somehow so maybe you should ask her how she did it! I like the layout!

Hope your day is better tomorrow <3

Maya said...

i am so happy you added the snack back in you are so strong.
i can so relate to how you feel i too slipped from a higher amount of calories down to 1600 and have stayed here for the past month, ifeel so guilty like i let myself down and i was doing so much better before, but i need to work my way back up like you are doing.yes it is so easy to take things away but so difficult to add them back so true!
i also get triggered my thoughts of how great it would be to have less fat this summer etc. but that is ed lying to us!! it wont be great we know from the past that it will be hell if we go down that path.
love you so much, hang in there girly you are amazing.

Anonymous said...

I love the inside of the muffin shor, the banana looks really yummy!

I'm rooting for you girly =) Keep Fighting!!!

lesley said...

Wonderful looking food purchases!! : )

Anonymous said...

WFs is a fabulous source of retail therapy! I need to try your polenta since you've been enjoying the CC on English muffin :D

Anonymous said...

Ive always thought bran muffins were good..

And dont you just love grocery shopping? Great buys..

Enjoy your stonyfield :D


Mel said...

so glad you're coming back Kiki!! it takes time, but you're SO gonna get through this. You are such an incredibly strong and mature girl, and even so, it's normal for ED to take over with those thoughts. I know exactly what you mean by ED wiping out all the positives of recovery-- it's so hard to justify doing the right thing sometimes because it's so much harder than just slipping back into old habits. I'm really glad you've recognized those thought patterns though, because it means you can actively CHANGE them! Good luck girl, you can do this!! <3

Anonymous said...

hey girlie girl!
sorry your having such a rough time lately :\ but good for you for realizing that if you have little fat on you that your always going to be cold, which in my opinion is one of the worst feelings EVER! haha.

as for the eats - fabulous! love the sandwich from the mall! super delicious :)

stay strong <3

sparklingstar said...

Im sorry you're feeling low hun BUT this is just a blip & fighting back will only make you stronger & more aware of how easy it is to fall back if you let your guard down. Keep your chin up! x

Anonymous said...

You can get through this rough patch.
You're so strong.

Have a good one.

Anonymous said...

I don't know much about blog layout, but here's a great site that teaches you all these great stuff about blogger layouts:
Anyway, Kiki, I'm glad you've jolted yourself awake before falling into a relapse! see! you're MUCH stronger and wiser than that! you've GROWN so much! struggles are inevitable, but how we respond to it and fight it changes everything. keep on trucking, kiki, we're all here hooting and cheering you on! hope you not only recover your health, but happiness and love and peace and satisfaction as well!
btw, PLEASE PLEASE share your bran muffin recipe? loos delish!

Recipe man said...

nice post.amazing to see a strong young women like yourself
i love th pics as well.

Anonymous said...

Hi sweetie~
I’m sorry everything has been difficult for you lately, but keep your chin up. You’ll be in my prayers.. I know everything will get better eventually lovely! Stay strong <3

Those bran muffins look fabulous.. we have a great baker on our hands.. dont we?! Mmm I would love to eat one of those babies right now!

I love your grocery purchases :D

Hope you are having a fabulous Monday!!


Melinda said...

wish I had a whole foods- those groceries look great! I spend so much money every time I go in whole foods lol