Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Baking is my therapy

Hello loves. Thanks for the support about the fight with my mom. I so want things to be normal again. But it’s been such a long time since I’ve been normal, two and a half years. I was only 12, and I don’t remember what a normal social life is like anymore. I’m quite content just staying at home, cooking, and reading blogs. I’m feeling just mehh today, I’m still sort of upset about what happened with my mom last night. I want her to see how hard I’m trying but don’t know how.

For breakfast today I had coffee oats, because I woke up at 6 am and was exhausted. So I cooked 1/4 c. oatbran and 1/4 c. oatmeal in milk, stirred in some vanilla creme coffee, and used the whipped banana technique. Then I topped it with dark chocolate chips. 049

I added back in my AM snack today. I’m impatient, adding back my cals every other day is taking too long! Plus there’s always my fear that my metabolism will slow down when I restrict, so when I do eat over cals, I’ll gain an excessive amount of weight. Anyway. I had a lemon vanilla cashew Clif Nectar bar, aka my favorite bar ever! I'm really upset that Clif is discontinuing their nectar line. This is perfectly sweet, and I love the chunks of cashew mixed with the soft 058

I was intrigued by the Johnny Appleseed sandwich I saw on Shelby’s blog yesterday. I made one for myself, using regular PB, cream cheese, and applesauce (trying to conserve my fresh apples). Grilled of course. I was skeptical of the cream cheese and PB combo, was it was really good! I also had cauliflower, a NP flax bar, and a vanilla Oikos!pics 054 This was the second Oikos I bought with my coupon. Just like the plain, vanilla was amazingly rich and creamy. I think I like it better than vanilla Chobani! My only complaints about Oikos are that a) I can’t find it at my regular grocery store, only at Whole Foods and b) It’s so expensive! If I didn’t have the coupons, I’m sure my mom would not appreciate paying $2+ for one yogurt!

Then I baked flourless peanut/ sunflower seed butter cookies! Using 1/2 c. brown sugar, an egg, 1/2 c. sunflower seed butter, 1/2 c. peanut butter, and 1 1/4 tsp. baking soda. I always manage to enjoy baking even when I feel triggered. Mixing up a bunch of ingredients and turning them into something yummy always makes me feel better! They turned out quite nicely, if a bit flat. The sunflower seed butter tastes so similar to PB that it blends right 056

After I made the cookies I did some homework. I want to get it all out of the way before tomorrow so I can enjoy the last few days of break without any obligations. Today I choose to work on my mathematical essay. Is it not enough to have to solve a billion equations?

I considered having some cookies and milk for my afternoon snack, but just wasn’t feeling it. So I went with my 063

For dinner I made the Potato Omelet from Greek Vegetarian Cookery. I suck at flipping omelets so I just stuck it in the oven to cook the top, so I guess technically it’s a frittata. I liked how you could taste the potato more than the egg in this. Yum yum, I love greek food! I also had a slice of unknown calorie cheese bread, and 066 pics 064 And for dessert, two PB/SSB cookies. ORANGE! pics 060 

Today I was cleaning out my old room and found some of my food journals from when I was first starting treatment. I still was afraid to eat the right amount for gaining, and was counting everything religiously. I had the calories for every egg white, teaspoon of peanut butter, and slice of light bread written in the margin. When I found the journals, I was mostly relieved that I’m far beyond that now. I was so consumed with ED at that point, and I’m glad that I’m not as controlling  or obsessive as I was. I’m proud of myself for coming such a long way. But I said mostly relieved because there’s still that annoying voice in my head telling me I made the wrong decision. That I took things way too quickly, I’m too recovered now, I’m worthless now that I’m not as sick. I know the healthy side of me is right, so I’m just going to ignore that voice. It makes me wonder though. Will I always have that side of me that turns to restricting food whenever I’m upset? And will I always have to be prepared to push it away?

Night, loves!


Laura: Learning to Love said...

1. They're discontinuing the nectar line?!?! OMG! I have been trying to find that flavor that you had EVERYWHERE but can't find it and I NEED to try it before it's no longer available! Where did you get it?!

2. Have you ever made almond butter cookies? I haven't but I feel like they would taste amazing!!! I might try it when I go home this weekend!

3. I absolutely agree with you on the Oikos! I would definitely buy it over Chobani ANY day but 9 times out of 10 I can get Chobs for 99cents, which is half as much as Oikos is! Eeek!


amy. said...

Glad you enjoyed the Oikos! Your cookies look quite delicious--I wish I could bake...I get too frustrated with making a mess and such.

Keep questioning those thoughts and their rationality/purpose in your life. Is it to perpetuate self-hatred? For me it is. I hope we can all work through this! Lots of love, kiki. I know you can get over this, just be patient with everything thats unresolved in your heart <3

Pammy said...

Those cookies look great. Sometimes finding old stuff from treatment is helpful because you can see how far youve come. And you have come so far. I know what you mean about having your eating disorder since you were really young- mine started when I was 13 so I was pretty young too. Just remember that you will be able to have a social life someday- one that does NOT include Ed

ChocolateCoveredVegan said...

Hey Kiki, I orgot to ask you: May I feature your oats in an upcoming post?

Nancy said...

Oulala! I baked something too today! :) Your cookies looks so delicious! I've made pb cookies before, but they got burnt because I forgot about them in the oven.

Hmm, how does Oikos and Chobani yogurts taste like? I can't find any here!

K from ksgoodeats said...

It made me smile to read that the CC combo was a favorite since it's so near and dear to my heart :)

Baking is SO therapeutic! It's nice to just get in there with the dough and beat things!! Your cookies look incredible!

Sharon said...

Oh wow, Oikos is really expensive then! I've never had it before, since Canadians don't get it in their grocery stores.

Anyways, I love your scrumptious eats!

Tori said...

I am so glad to hear you are working to get your calories up to where you need them to be for your health. That is really great - I know it takes a lot of courage to pull yourself up when you slip. But you're doing a fantastic job of it.
I loove the lemon vanilla cashew flavor. I ordered a box when I heard they were going to stop making them. I've been trying really hard not to have them too often and keep them as like a "special treat" haha.
I'm glad baking helps calm you - enjoy your handywork! I've had a hard time with allowing myself to cook or bake again - I get a bit nervous over measuring things out still. Hopefully I'll be able to overcome that anxiety of mine. I always enjoyed baking too.

Meg said...

Oiko's is amazing! It was the first Greek yog's that I'd ever tried and my taste buds fell head-over-heels for it. It is really disappointing that it's so pricey, though, I agree.

It's best to just push that voice aside, because inside of your heart you know you did the right thing, and you know damn well you're worth every ounce of health that you have now girl. Don't ever question that. These feelings will pass, and life will go on, as long as you keep your head up, just like you always do. I find that you always look for a way to turn negative happenings around into learning experiences, and it's great that you question yourself so much, just make sure you're not tricking yourself by trying to change your mindset into something that ED wants. He's a sneaky little devil, and he'll try to convince you that you're doing it all wrong, all the time. But you're not. You radiate with positivity, keep it that way!

I love how you bake prettymuch everyday, don't you love how simple little things like cooking and baking povide so much relief?

Love, Meg :)

Anonymous said...

Don't you just love sunflower seed butter? I haven't seen it much in the blogosphere but I think it is Uh-Maz-Ing.

And great idea for coffee oats. I'll have to try that since I love my coffee. I think I'll call them 'java oats' though. I just like that word, java.

Oh, and I added you to my blogroll! :D


Anonymous said...

Hi Kiki <3

Love those oats and those fabulous cookies you baked !! I also love to bake when I’m feeling triggered and truly upset. Baking is a wonderful form of therapy.

Mmm.. the potato omelet looks so tasty. Love that combo!

It was good to see those old journals, because now you know how far you have come!
I believe that eventually ED will be gone and you wont turn to restricting when you are upset. You have the strength love. Keep listening to your inner voice because that is the TRUE voice that counts.. not ED’s annoying words.

Hope you have a great night!


Laci said...

So proud of you for taking it out on that negative voice love- it's so horrible how hard we are on our selves, so ED obsessed, we are so much more free now and it feels so great! :-)
The cookies sound simply awesome- glad you are getting in the cals quick, It's so wierd how I noticed when I ditch counting, my metabolism increases- t's all about listening to your body baby, as for the food part of recovery! :-D
Enjoy your Thursday, much <3

Mel said...

yummy eats! i like oikos, but i'm a diehard fage fan fo sho.

I can totally relate about the food journals-- it's so rough looking back at them and having conflicting feelings. :-( you just have to realize that being consumed with your disorder is NOT going to make you any happier and will not solve anything-- ED lies!! You can do this girlie, hang in there!! much love <3

Jemima said...

Aaah I LOVE the whipped banana technique, I use it every day :)

It's amazing how much progress we realise we've made when we look back. Sometimes it's good, especially when we hit a bump in the road and feel like we're not moving anywhere - look how far you've come chica! Love you so much, and I promise you, this will be SO worth it.

Congratulations on adding your AM snack back in - that took guts and you did it! xxx

Anonymous said...

I have yet to try that Clif Bar...I'm crazy I know. Next time I'm out I will pick one up...before they're gone =0

Thanks for the shout-out girl! Glad you liked the sandwich too =)

Thats really amazing that you can see how far you've come in recovery. Soon you will look back on this day and realize that it wasn't worth it to worry about food. xoxo

aussirish said...

hey hun
great eats :) sorry about the clif nectars being discontinued..i wonder why? so many people love them!
im so glad youve come so far too :) i think looking back on where we were at the start of recovery and then looking at where we are now is great motivation for moving forwards...i mean back then im sure youd never make it as far as you have, and i know youll beek at recovery because your a strong person and you will get through this :)
have a great night hun
love you

Anonymous said...

Before I begin - NO MORE NECTAR BARS? I guess they were overtaken by Lara Bars, which I highly recommend trying if you haven't already!

I haven't had peanut butter cookies in forever, and those look so good. I may just have to try them out next time the baking bug bites. ;)

I don't mean to linger on the ED subject, but I've had moments exactly like that where I look back on "how I used to be". Some may find things like that to be triggering, but for me it really just motivates me try even harder and makes me see just how screwed my way of thinking was in the past. I am stronger. I am smarter. And most importantly - I am going to work towards becoming healthier.
I'm here for you anytime you need to talk.

Anonymous said...

Those cookies look amazing, its so good that you bake things yourself - much more nutritious and satisfying that way!

Is oikos Greek yoghurt? We don't have the same brands as you guys in the US I don't think. Sounds good!


Anonymous said...

Yum! I really need to try stirring coffee into my oats!!

Just stay strong and positive girl, since you have come such a long way since starting treatment, hopefully as more time passes ed will be out of your life for good!!! It just takes more time, and practice challenging yourself...eating the unknown calories (like the cheese bread) is great!! Try thinking of other things that cause anxiety and just challenge them and get ed outta there, he is not welcome in your are so young and have such a great life ahead of you! :) xoxox

Anonymous said...

*la la la* i can't hear you because if they discontinue the cliff bar im going to CRY *la la la*
haha ;)

great eats :) LOVE the oats!
oh and the cookies

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