Hello loves. Thanks for the support about the fight with my mom. I so want things to be normal again. But it’s been such a long time since I’ve been normal, two and a half years. I was only 12, and I don’t remember what a normal social life is like anymore. I’m quite content just staying at home, cooking, and reading blogs. I’m feeling just mehh today, I’m still sort of upset about what happened with my mom last night. I want her to see how hard I’m trying but don’t know how.
For breakfast today I had coffee oats, because I woke up at 6 am and was exhausted. So I cooked 1/4 c. oatbran and 1/4 c. oatmeal in milk, stirred in some vanilla creme coffee, and used the whipped banana technique. Then I topped it with dark chocolate chips. Mmmnom.
I added back in my AM snack today. I’m impatient, adding back my cals every other day is taking too long! Plus there’s always my fear that my metabolism will slow down when I restrict, so when I do eat over cals, I’ll gain an excessive amount of weight. Anyway. I had a lemon vanilla cashew Clif Nectar bar, aka my favorite bar ever! I'm really upset that Clif is discontinuing their nectar line. This is perfectly sweet, and I love the chunks of cashew mixed with the soft dates.
I was intrigued by the Johnny Appleseed sandwich I saw on Shelby’s blog yesterday. I made one for myself, using regular PB, cream cheese, and applesauce (trying to conserve my fresh apples). Grilled of course. I was skeptical of the cream cheese and PB combo, was it was really good! I also had cauliflower, a NP flax bar, and a vanilla Oikos! This was the second Oikos I bought with my coupon. Just like the plain, vanilla was amazingly rich and creamy. I think I like it better than vanilla Chobani! My only complaints about Oikos are that a) I can’t find it at my regular grocery store, only at Whole Foods and b) It’s so expensive! If I didn’t have the coupons, I’m sure my mom would not appreciate paying $2+ for one yogurt!
Then I baked flourless peanut/ sunflower seed butter cookies! Using 1/2 c. brown sugar, an egg, 1/2 c. sunflower seed butter, 1/2 c. peanut butter, and 1 1/4 tsp. baking soda. I always manage to enjoy baking even when I feel triggered. Mixing up a bunch of ingredients and turning them into something yummy always makes me feel better! They turned out quite nicely, if a bit flat. The sunflower seed butter tastes so similar to PB that it blends right in.
After I made the cookies I did some homework. I want to get it all out of the way before tomorrow so I can enjoy the last few days of break without any obligations. Today I choose to work on my mathematical essay. Is it not enough to have to solve a billion equations?
For dinner I made the Potato Omelet from Greek Vegetarian Cookery. I suck at flipping omelets so I just stuck it in the oven to cook the top, so I guess technically it’s a frittata. I liked how you could taste the potato more than the egg in this. Yum yum, I love greek food! I also had a slice of unknown calorie cheese bread, and cucumber. And for dessert, two PB/SSB cookies. ORANGE!
Today I was cleaning out my old room and found some of my food journals from when I was first starting treatment. I still was afraid to eat the right amount for gaining, and was counting everything religiously. I had the calories for every egg white, teaspoon of peanut butter, and slice of light bread written in the margin. When I found the journals, I was mostly relieved that I’m far beyond that now. I was so consumed with ED at that point, and I’m glad that I’m not as controlling or obsessive as I was. I’m proud of myself for coming such a long way. But I said mostly relieved because there’s still that annoying voice in my head telling me I made the wrong decision. That I took things way too quickly, I’m too recovered now, I’m worthless now that I’m not as sick. I know the healthy side of me is right, so I’m just going to ignore that voice. It makes me wonder though. Will I always have that side of me that turns to restricting food whenever I’m upset? And will I always have to be prepared to push it away?