Buttons!

I wrote some of this post earlier in the day yesterday, and it was supposed to be posted last night. You’ll understand why I didn’t get around to it I think.

Evening, loves. I’m posting two days in a row because I feel like it! I’m was feeling pretty positive today so I figured I’d take some food pics. So yay!

This morning for breakfast, I had CCV’s chocolate chip cookie dough oats. I used Katie’s melted banana trick in place of the sugar and it was divine! I can understand why her oatmeal-hater friend loved this. Soo creamy, just sweet enough, and I loved the texture the raw oats gave. Tasted really close to a real cookie!

For once, I didn’t want a sandwich for lunch! I made pthois, aka honey feta griddle cakes. I don’t know how to pronounce pthois either! But I can say that these were extremely delicious, even though I used whole wheat flour. Feta is my favorite cheese and the sweet and salty contrast was perfect. I topped each cake with sauteed carrots and broccoli (not greek but whatever), garlic hummus, and the last bit of feta. Voila, greek fajitas!

I also had a Stonyfield farm strawberry yogurt and cauliflower. I really do love veggies! Then a bit later I had a NP flax plus bar.

I was hungry for my afternoon snackity snack, so I decided on popcorn, with dark chocolate chips and almonds. I also had an apple with a laughing cow.

Then I made a crocheted double-headband with buttons sewn on it. Random fact about me: I love buttons! Pardon the towel in the background. 

Dinner had to be eaten in the car on the way to therapy from my cello lesson. Boooo. I decided to just bite the bullet and add another 100 cals to my dinner today. I packed a black bean & guacamole sandwich, the best pear I’ve ever eaten in my life (Harry and David!), and… That thing about the sandwich is a homemade Larabar-ish thing. Emphasis on the ish. I had half a banana left this morning and decided to use it. So I ground up 3 tbs almonds in the food processor, took those out, and blended the half banana and 1 tbs raisins. I know Larabars are supposed to have dates but I thought raisins would work too. Then I blended it all together, and ended up adding 3 tbs. of oats to make it sticky enough. I shaped them into two bars and stuck them in the fridge. I guess they’re more like Trek bars, because of the oats? But they taste good. Next time I’ll use dates.

Therapy went okay today. I hate my therapist. Just saying. My mom had to come with me this time and my therapist asked her what her main concern about me right now is. My mom said that she’s worried that I’m depressed because I used to go out with my friends all the time, but now I rarely do. I tried to explain to her that the friends I have are always busy on weekends and can never do anything. My therapist said I was making excuses and could find new friends, which I guess it partly true. She then explained to me how to start a conversation to ask someone to go somewhere with me. “So, what are you doing this weekend? Oh really, nothing? Oh, then we should go to the mall or something.” No dip, sherlock. I know how to socialize, I just can’t.

On the car ride home, me and my mom had an argument for the first time in a long time. She said that she thinks that I spend too much time blogging/commenting on my friends’ blogs, like it’s taking over my life. She said that last year, in the worst of my ED, I “tricked” her into thinking everything was okay when really everything was falling apart. She just wants me to have one really good friend in real life that I can talk to, because I never tell her what’s going on in my head and she doesn’t know if I’m relapsing or what. She says she understands that it’s hard to make plans, and just wishes someone would invite me somewhere and things would be “back to normal”. I got really upset and said “Do you think I want to be like this! No, I miss the way it used to be!” I can’t make her understand that my ED has ruined everything, there’s no way of knowing what normal is anymore. It’s not my fault no one asks me to go anywhere anymore. It’s not my fault that every friend I make leaves me for someone else! I’ve been trying to make plans with my friends, even some new people, but they always fall through the cracks. I can’t stand being blamed for something that is out of my control. I don’t know what to do. The relationship I have with you all is more real than any that I’m having in real life. If I couldn’t blog, I think I’d be even more depressed.

I was very tempted to restrict when I got home. It seems that that’s my preferred coping method these days. But, it’s only been a week since the last time I slipped and I’m just starting to build myself up again. So I didn’t. I pushed through my snack, because not eating isn’t going to solve anything.

Ummm, good morning, loves! Have a lovely wednesday!

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