Video Post!!!

Hello, lovelies. I’m baaaack. With a video post, obviously. I felt soooooo awkward while filming this. I kept thinking “What are you doing? Why are you still talking about this???” Hence strange expressions and really really awkward and long silence around 3:48. I had some notes in front of me, you see, and was collecting my thoughts. Hehh. Erase it from your memories.



And here are some of the 365 days of pictures I've taken.

Tulip in my yard

My kitty Shadow, stuck inside a plastic bag. She for some reason has an irrational fear of them so she was running all around the house trying to get the bag off of her. I thought it was hilarious until I had to spend half an hour getting her out from underneath my bed so the bag wouldn't suffocate her!

And this is a thing in my living room that holds our firewood. I thought it was pretty how the sunlight shone through the cobwebs (shows how much we use our fireplace!) and reflected off the copper container.

Okay, I think that covers it. I'll be seeing you around! Love you all loads, night.

Just for your information

…I’m going to be away for a little while. I’ve been feeling really depressed since Sunday. There wasn’t one trigger event that started this. It’s probably due to me staying at home all spring  break and not seeing anyone but my family. Also the weather is gray, cold, and drizzling, which always makes me feel sad. I just want to curl up into a ball and stay there forever, I don’t want to go outside or to school or to cello. School today was atrocious. Everyone was talking to me about what I did over break and it took everything in me to answer them, to not cry because I want to be cut off from everything.

There have been no ED side affects from this, so far, and I’m hoping to keep it that way. For once I don’t actually care about food and am just seeing it as a necessity. I’ve been eating everything on my MP with no problem and don’t feel like giving it any extra thought right now.

I won’t leave you all without any pictures though. I decided to start a 365 days of pictures thing on Monday, so I can get some use out of my camera beyond food pictures. It’s exactly what it sounds like, taking a picture a day for a year.

Day #1, April 13- My family decided to go to the National Zoo. I hate zoos, I find it very depressing to see animals confined into such small spaces with people gawking at them from every direction. This orangutan was enjoying some orange slices before a mob of people came to stare at it. When he noticed, he put the paper bag the orange was in over his head to hide. :[ 

Day #2, April 13- Photograph of a poster, how lame. I forget the details, but my uncle was some how involved in planning a concert with Yo-Yo Ma. He got a chance to talk with Yo-Yo (what a fun name!) and told him that his niece played the cello. So Yo-Yo signed a poster thingy for me. It says “To Kiki, with _____”, something I can’t make out. Probably not with love, maybe with good luck? Cool none the less.

Sorry for such a non-post. I don’t know how long I’ll be away, I just want to get back on my feet before I start food blogging again. I have group this Thursday, perhaps it will help. I was supposed to have made progress since two weeks ago. Fail.

I haven’t been commenting but I’ve read up on all your blogs. Much love, night.

A doughy day

Hello, world. I’m feeling pretty good today, which is why I’m posting three days in a row! Last night I ended up skimping on 100 cals that I meant to add to my PM snack. I was standing in the kitchen, granola bar in hand, and then I thought “No, I don’t need this.” So I put it back and went to bed. I think I’m okay with the size of my snack now and would be fine with keeping it this way. I know that’s letting ED win, I know I should be eating all of it and then sitting with the crappy feelings. But I just added back hundreds and really don’t want to push myself anymore. Arggg I don’t know!

My breakfast was delectable this morning! Among other things, I had chai banana coconut oatbran! Which is oat bran cooked in 1/2 milk and 1/2 water with TJ’s chai tea mix stirred in, topped with half a caramelized nanner and a sprinkle of coconut. Yum!

AM snack was two multi grain rice cakes topped with PB and the other half of the banana, smashed a la Jenny. Along with some lovely geometry homework.

For lunch, I made a grilled pesto, hummus, and black olive sandwich. Olives olives olives I love olives! I also had cauliflower, plain yogurt with homemade apple butter, and a NP flax bars. I love these bars. They remind me of big, honey and raisin filled rice krispy treats.

I did homework and practiced my various instruments for a while then got bored. Which means I baked. I wanted to make granola bars, but we are out of oatmeal! *Gasp* So I made toaster pastries! I haven’t tried one yet, I’m saving it for breakfasts/snacks. They were quite difficult to make, I actually had to throw the dough (rhyme!) of one away because it wouldn’t stop falling apart :[

After baking I went on another walk. Brought my camera with me of course. It was so gorgeous out today, close to 70 degrees, breezy, and sunny! I found these flowers in my yard, I think they’re purple lillies of the valley. I think it’s good for me to photograph something other than food. I’m thinking of doing a 365 days of pictures type-thing on here, what do you all think?

My afternoon snack was slightly different than usual because I only had enough CC for one half of my muffin! So the other half had cream cheese. Along with strawbs and sunflower seed butter. 

Dinner was amazing! My sister helped me make whole wheat pizza dough. It was the easiest and quickest dough I’ve ever made (only took 10 mins!) thanks to a food processor. We I topped my portion with Nature’s Promise pasta sauce, mozzarella, OLIVES and green pepper. It turned out exceptionally well. The crust was just the way I like it- soft and chewy, not “crackery”. Also had a salad of romaine, carrots, cucumber, broccoli, and papaya poppy seed dressing.

My dad’s job involves doing techie stuff at big conventions in DC. Since he works after the shows are over, he often gets to claim the leftover freebies that they put out for the people going to the conventions. Today he came home just as my mom and I were setting the table for dinner. He plopped down a box of donuts on the table and said they were leftover from a convention. There were four, one for each of us. My mom said “Well, Kiki won’t want hers, so we’ll just let Allison have it.” My dad asked why I didn’t want mine, which I obviously didn’t have an answer for. After a moment of awkward silence he said “Are you ever going to eat doughnuts? Are you ever going to be normal again?” Thankfully I was saved from answering this because the oven timer went off. I don’t know how to explain to them that there isn’t a way to know what a normal me would be like. I don’t have a clue of what I’d be like, or what foods I’d like, if I had never gotten an eating disorder. And now, I don’t know if it’s normal for me to want to eat healthily and never touch a doughnut, or if that’s my ED speaking. Maybe the real me wants to eat junk food when I felt like it, like  I did before this all started. This frustrates me because I used to be so sure of who I was and what I wanted.

Good night, loves! Oh, and I need Easter dessert ideas. I need something like and springy!

Que lastima!

Evening, poppits. Today seemed to drag on forever and ever. I ran out of things to do around 2:00 so I ended up spending most of my afternoon on the computer :\ This is one reason why I wish I had made plans.

This morning I had chocolate covered strawberry oatbran! I don’t think it really needs an explanation, but it was oatbran topped with strawbs, dark chocolate chips, and crushed pretzels. Amazing.

I ate this while watching Bruno, en espanol. Don’t laugh at me. It went about my pace, and I understood almost everything except something about bananas. Ay, las tortugas escaparon (the turtles escaped)!

AM snack was a warmed Zbar with moo juice. Yummy! I couldn’t live without Zbars.

For lunch, I made a black bean burger. I only had refried black beans, so I used those and they worked okay. It made the burger a bit floppy. I didn’t have a bun, so I just used toast, and topped it with guacamole, a laughing cow, and sprouts. I much prefer bean burgers to faux-meat burgers. I also had almonds, cauliflower, and a NP flax bar.

Afternoon snackikin.. just in case you don’t know the usual combo: whole wheat english muffin with cottage cheese and applesauce, a kiwi, and sunflower seed butter.

Then I went on a walk and took pictures of perty scenery. I got some strange looks from neighbors, but I’ve gotten worse. I like the contrast between the pink flowers, the blue sky, and the brown branches in the background. Spring, finally!

It was blintz night for dinner. I accidentally bought potato blintzes instead of my favorite cheese. They were pretty good. Kind of like pirogie filling inside of phyllo dough. I also had a random salad with romaine, carrots, black olive, broccoli, and papaya poppy seed dressing; and applesauce! Sorry for the somewhat blurry pic. And the shadow. For dessert I had two of my flourless PB & SSB cookies. I’m really enjoying how much more food I can eat at dinner now that I’ve increased my cals. Ha I don’t even remember what color my hands are normally. When will this orange go away?

Today is supposed to be the last day of my increase. I have 200 cals to add to my night time snack. I’m really scared to do it, I’m feeling like backing out right now. I think I’m so anxious about it because before my little episode last week when I found out about my director leaving, I still felt guilty about my night snack. I would force it down because I knew I had to, and then crawl into bed feeling “sticky” and disgusted with myself. Now I’m even less.. um, mentally stable, than I was last week. So I’m afraid that those feelings will be multiplied, which will cause me to have another slip up. Or maybe I just don’t want to be “back to normal” again.

Make sure you enter the Bob’s Red Mill giveaway from An Apple a Day. Also check out the Barney Butter Giveaway as well as the hilarious Barney Butter Fiasco post on meloncauliflower.

Good night!

Baking is my therapy

Hello loves. Thanks for the support about the fight with my mom. I so want things to be normal again. But it’s been such a long time since I’ve been normal, two and a half years. I was only 12, and I don’t remember what a normal social life is like anymore. I’m quite content just staying at home, cooking, and reading blogs. I’m feeling just mehh today, I’m still sort of upset about what happened with my mom last night. I want her to see how hard I’m trying but don’t know how.

For breakfast today I had coffee oats, because I woke up at 6 am and was exhausted. So I cooked 1/4 c. oatbran and 1/4 c. oatmeal in milk, stirred in some vanilla creme coffee, and used the whipped banana technique. Then I topped it with dark chocolate chips. Mmmnom.

I added back in my AM snack today. I’m impatient, adding back my cals every other day is taking too long! Plus there’s always my fear that my metabolism will slow down when I restrict, so when I do eat over cals, I’ll gain an excessive amount of weight. Anyway. I had a lemon vanilla cashew Clif Nectar bar, aka my favorite bar ever! I'm really upset that Clif is discontinuing their nectar line. This is perfectly sweet, and I love the chunks of cashew mixed with the soft dates.

I was intrigued by the Johnny Appleseed sandwich I saw on Shelby’s blog yesterday. I made one for myself, using regular PB, cream cheese, and applesauce (trying to conserve my fresh apples). Grilled of course. I was skeptical of the cream cheese and PB combo, was it was really good! I also had cauliflower, a NP flax bar, and a vanilla Oikos! This was the second Oikos I bought with my coupon. Just like the plain, vanilla was amazingly rich and creamy. I think I like it better than vanilla Chobani! My only complaints about Oikos are that a) I can’t find it at my regular grocery store, only at Whole Foods and b) It’s so expensive! If I didn’t have the coupons, I’m sure my mom would not appreciate paying $2+ for one yogurt!

Then I baked flourless peanut/ sunflower seed butter cookies! Using 1/2 c. brown sugar, an egg, 1/2 c. sunflower seed butter, 1/2 c. peanut butter, and 1 1/4 tsp. baking soda. I always manage to enjoy baking even when I feel triggered. Mixing up a bunch of ingredients and turning them into something yummy always makes me feel better! They turned out quite nicely, if a bit flat. The sunflower seed butter tastes so similar to PB that it blends right in.

After I made the cookies I did some homework. I want to get it all out of the way before tomorrow so I can enjoy the last few days of break without any obligations. Today I choose to work on my mathematical essay. Is it not enough to have to solve a billion equations?

I considered having some cookies and milk for my afternoon snack, but just wasn’t feeling it. So I went with my favorite.

For dinner I made the Potato Omelet from Greek Vegetarian Cookery. I suck at flipping omelets so I just stuck it in the oven to cook the top, so I guess technically it’s a frittata. I liked how you could taste the potato more than the egg in this. Yum yum, I love greek food! I also had a slice of unknown calorie cheese bread, and cucumber.  And for dessert, two PB/SSB cookies. ORANGE!  

Today I was cleaning out my old room and found some of my food journals from when I was first starting treatment. I still was afraid to eat the right amount for gaining, and was counting everything religiously. I had the calories for every egg white, teaspoon of peanut butter, and slice of light bread written in the margin. When I found the journals, I was mostly relieved that I’m far beyond that now. I was so consumed with ED at that point, and I’m glad that I’m not as controlling  or obsessive as I was. I’m proud of myself for coming such a long way. But I said mostly relieved because there’s still that annoying voice in my head telling me I made the wrong decision. That I took things way too quickly, I’m too recovered now, I’m worthless now that I’m not as sick. I know the healthy side of me is right, so I’m just going to ignore that voice. It makes me wonder though. Will I always have that side of me that turns to restricting food whenever I’m upset? And will I always have to be prepared to push it away?

Night, loves!

Technorati Tags: oats,dark chocolate,nectar bar,sandwich,cream cheese,peanut butter,cookies,english muffin,cottage cheese,applesauce,omelet,bread,cucumber

Buttons!

I wrote some of this post earlier in the day yesterday, and it was supposed to be posted last night. You’ll understand why I didn’t get around to it I think.

Evening, loves. I’m posting two days in a row because I feel like it! I’m was feeling pretty positive today so I figured I’d take some food pics. So yay!

This morning for breakfast, I had CCV’s chocolate chip cookie dough oats. I used Katie’s melted banana trick in place of the sugar and it was divine! I can understand why her oatmeal-hater friend loved this. Soo creamy, just sweet enough, and I loved the texture the raw oats gave. Tasted really close to a real cookie!

For once, I didn’t want a sandwich for lunch! I made pthois, aka honey feta griddle cakes. I don’t know how to pronounce pthois either! But I can say that these were extremely delicious, even though I used whole wheat flour. Feta is my favorite cheese and the sweet and salty contrast was perfect. I topped each cake with sauteed carrots and broccoli (not greek but whatever), garlic hummus, and the last bit of feta. Voila, greek fajitas!

I also had a Stonyfield farm strawberry yogurt and cauliflower. I really do love veggies! Then a bit later I had a NP flax plus bar.

I was hungry for my afternoon snackity snack, so I decided on popcorn, with dark chocolate chips and almonds. I also had an apple with a laughing cow.

Then I made a crocheted double-headband with buttons sewn on it. Random fact about me: I love buttons! Pardon the towel in the background. 

Dinner had to be eaten in the car on the way to therapy from my cello lesson. Boooo. I decided to just bite the bullet and add another 100 cals to my dinner today. I packed a black bean & guacamole sandwich, the best pear I’ve ever eaten in my life (Harry and David!), and… That thing about the sandwich is a homemade Larabar-ish thing. Emphasis on the ish. I had half a banana left this morning and decided to use it. So I ground up 3 tbs almonds in the food processor, took those out, and blended the half banana and 1 tbs raisins. I know Larabars are supposed to have dates but I thought raisins would work too. Then I blended it all together, and ended up adding 3 tbs. of oats to make it sticky enough. I shaped them into two bars and stuck them in the fridge. I guess they’re more like Trek bars, because of the oats? But they taste good. Next time I’ll use dates.

Therapy went okay today. I hate my therapist. Just saying. My mom had to come with me this time and my therapist asked her what her main concern about me right now is. My mom said that she’s worried that I’m depressed because I used to go out with my friends all the time, but now I rarely do. I tried to explain to her that the friends I have are always busy on weekends and can never do anything. My therapist said I was making excuses and could find new friends, which I guess it partly true. She then explained to me how to start a conversation to ask someone to go somewhere with me. “So, what are you doing this weekend? Oh really, nothing? Oh, then we should go to the mall or something.” No dip, sherlock. I know how to socialize, I just can’t.

On the car ride home, me and my mom had an argument for the first time in a long time. She said that she thinks that I spend too much time blogging/commenting on my friends’ blogs, like it’s taking over my life. She said that last year, in the worst of my ED, I “tricked” her into thinking everything was okay when really everything was falling apart. She just wants me to have one really good friend in real life that I can talk to, because I never tell her what’s going on in my head and she doesn’t know if I’m relapsing or what. She says she understands that it’s hard to make plans, and just wishes someone would invite me somewhere and things would be “back to normal”. I got really upset and said “Do you think I want to be like this! No, I miss the way it used to be!” I can’t make her understand that my ED has ruined everything, there’s no way of knowing what normal is anymore. It’s not my fault no one asks me to go anywhere anymore. It’s not my fault that every friend I make leaves me for someone else! I’ve been trying to make plans with my friends, even some new people, but they always fall through the cracks. I can’t stand being blamed for something that is out of my control. I don’t know what to do. The relationship I have with you all is more real than any that I’m having in real life. If I couldn’t blog, I think I’d be even more depressed.

I was very tempted to restrict when I got home. It seems that that’s my preferred coping method these days. But, it’s only been a week since the last time I slipped and I’m just starting to build myself up again. So I didn’t. I pushed through my snack, because not eating isn’t going to solve anything.

Ummm, good morning, loves! Have a lovely wednesday!

Technorati Tags: popcorn,apple,cheese,sandwich,guacamole,pear,homemade bar,cookie dough,oats,greek,cauliflower,yogurt,veggies

Two types of Greek yogurt!

Hello, blogland. Thanks again for all your reassuring comments. I’m overall feeling much better today than I have been for the past few days. I want to gradually up my cals to 2300 or 2400 again, since that’s about what I was maintaining on before. I’m hoping that I haven’t ruined my metabolism already! I think I’ll add 100 cals every other day, maybe?

I had quite a relaxing day. It started raining so I pretty much just stayed inside in my Scotty-dog jammies until my mom came home! I also enjoyed watching college boys play basketball outside my window, hehe. At one point I started to feel really anxious because the rain ruined my plans to go out for a walk and burn cals. I started pacing until I realized how irrational I was being and ate a snack. That calmed me down quite a bit! One day of missed exercise is not going to matter, in the grand scheme of things. Isn’t it ironic how the thing ED wants us to avoid the most is usually what makes us realize how backward his logic is?

Yesterday we went to a crafts fair. All the jewelry and clothes were too overpriced so we got food-related stuff, of course. I got a HUGE ceramic bowl, I can’t wait to eat something out of it. We also got the best pure maple syrup in the world. I forget why it’s so special, but it tastes buttery. Mmm. My mom got peach crumble bread that I don’t want to eat because it has trans fats.

For breakfast this morning, I had super apple oatbran! Which is oatbran cooked in “sweet apple chamomile” tea topped with applesauce, apple butter, and a crumbled graham cracker.

Lunch time rolled around and I wanted a sandwich! We got wholly guacamole yesterday with a coupon. Wow, where has it been all my life? Soo yummy. Esp. on a grilled sammich with refried black beans. I also had cauliflower, a corn muffin (scroll) and OIKOS!

I tried the plain kind today, topped with strawberries, honey, and honey nut cheerios. I tried a plain bite and it was delicious. It’s very thick and creamy. I love plain greek yogurt and eat it quite a bit, so this didn’t seem as “tangy” to me as some of you have been saying it is. It was definitely tangier than Chobani. I still have a vanilla Oikos to sample, but so far, Oikos is beating Chobani for me. Thanks for the coupons, Kristina!

Snack needs no explanation.

First, I will share last night’s dinner because it was so delicious! I made healthy corn muffins. I accidentally used an extra 1/3 c. liquid and it resulted in the fluffiest, moistest, best corn muffins ever. I also had TJ’s baked beans, and spinach chips. Perfect meal.

Tonight’s dinner was equally delicious. We made spinach-parmesan pie. This was sort of like an upside down quiche, with a greek twist. There was a nice nutmeg-y crust on top with yummy cheese and spinach on the bottom. Had it with kale chips and the last of the corn muffins.

So far for my night snack, which is my first increase, I’ve had Cyclops Greek-style frozen yogurt, banana flavor. I got this at WF because I saw it was being discontinued. It’s so much better than regular frozen! It’s very soft like soft-serve, and it’s tangy like Greek yogurt should be. The banana flavor isn’t artificial, and there are actual chunks of real fruit. Why don’t I ever notice these delish things until they’re about to be discontinued?

That’s all for now, loves! Sorry about the weird layout of this post, but I’m experimenting withWindows Live Writer and haven’t quite figured it out yet. Bear with me! Night.

Make sure you hit up the Fage Yogurt Giveaway from the Hungry Yogini!

On my way up, again.

Thank you so much to everyone who left comments on my last post. I cried every time I read a new comment, no kidding! I wrote down a lot of your helpful advice, for the next time a mood like this strikes. I realize that there will always be ups and downs in recovery, and I should expect them. Just last week, I was doing so well, but WHAM, out of nowhere comes ED. I don't really know what else to say, but it means the world to me to have people going through the same thing as me leave me such caring responses. I don't know what I'd do without blogging!

I suppose that I'm still in a "down" of recovery. Sorry to post numbers but since Wednesday my cals have been at 1600 (three meals and a little snack), with exercise. Which is significantly lower than they need to be. I guess I could just add all my missed calories back, in one fell swoop, but I don't want to overwhelm myself and lose even more progress. My issue right now is that I can't make myself care about the consequences of ED. Like, I was on a walk yesterday in 60 degree weather and was shivering. I thought "This will feel ten times worse if I have no fat on me." And today, I couldn't concentrate on my cello or in ballet, and remembered how I felt that way every day when I was at my lowest. But the thing is, every time I think of a way that ED will ruin my life, I just shrug it off and think about how happy I'll be when I start losing weight again. The rational side of me knows that this is wrong, but I feel like ED has no consequences for me. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but it makes sense in my head. I'm just going to trust that when I was still in my positive, pro-recovery mode, I was doing the right thing.

Since this is a food blog, I suppose that I'll post some food pics! Even though I was feeling triggered this morning, I was still in the mood for some weekend morning baking. It makes me feel peaceful. I made bran muffins, subbing a banana for the raisins. Usually I don't associate bran muffins with the word yummy, but these were spectacular! They had just the right amount of sweetness, and the bran flavor was subtle. I ate them warm out of the oven and enjoyed biting into the chunks of caramelized banana!

After breakfast I went to ballet. It was mehhh, I won't go into specifics. Lunch was eaten at the mall again. My sister usually comes with me and my mom to my ballet class and seems to think that we have to stop at the mall and eat every time. I hate it. I got a subway veggie delite with cheese, assorted veggies, and olive oil. Imagine a bag of baked lays chips with this too.

I decided to add my afternoon snack back today. My favorite, an english muffin with CC and applesauce, kiwi, and sunflower seed butter. I won't lie- I cried while I was eating this. Why is it so easy to take away calories, but so hard to add them back? So easy to slip and lose progress, and so hard to gain it back? I'm just going to keep taking small steps like this until I get my intake where it needs to be again, I think.

Then I went to Whole Foods! Nothing like a little grocery shopping therapy. Here are my purchases:
Apples, strawberries, one vanilla and one plain Oikos (using my coupons! can't wait to try them), a Rachel's yogurt, passionfruit Zico coconut water, my favorite lemon vanilla cashew nectar bar, pretzels, multi grain rice cakes, NP flax plus granola bars, refried black beans, NP fig waffles (!!!!!!!) and Cyclops Greek style banana frozen yogurt.

For dinner, I made my favorite, polenta! Using my favorite recipe, feta and mozarella as the cheeses. If you've never had polenta, try this recipe! It's so creamy but so easy to make. I had it with kale chips, and a slice of homemade bread. Perfect meal.

As you may have noticed, I tried to change my blog layout today. The background is supposed to look like this, but it's not centered properly. I changed my template to minima and used these instructions for getting a 3 column template to see if that would center it, but it didn't work. Anyone know what I'm doing wrong?

Love you all so much! Good night!

Arg, where is my head? Don't forget to enter the CCV in a box giveaway!

Life is unfair.

Please, please, please, PLEASE, don't read this if you get triggered easily.

Well, on the bright side, my school orchestra got straight 1s at festival yesterday! Music groups get graded on a scale of 1-5, with 1 being the best and 5 being the worst. This means we're going to state festival, woo!

Now that that's over with.. I haven't brought this up yet, I don't think, but my school orchestra director is the best teacher I've ever had. She's actually an English teacher, but she has played the violin and viola her whole life and volunteered to be our school orchestra director at the beginning of the school year. She's really young, only 23, so she seems like "one of us". She has really helped our orchestra connect this year. On the one hand, she's an amazing musician and can just pick up a violin and play along with us perfectly. On the other hand, she's really funny and witty and smart, and just makes everyone feel better when they're in her class. Because of her, everyone in my orchestra is friends with each other, rather than just acquaintances from orchestra. Yesterday we were on the bus on the way to festival and a couple girls asked if she would drive us to Union Station to perform at Christmas time again. She said "I didn't want to tell you this today, but I won't be here next year. I'm getting transferred." They over-staffed my school this year, so the newest teacher (my director) has to be transferred to a different school.

My director is being replaced with the director of the bands at our school. She hates us, and all children as a matter of fact. Yesterday, one of her bands tried to play an April fool's joke on her by playing a rock song when she cued them for scales. She didn't laugh, she just stared at them and then started screaming! No no no no, a music director has to have a sense of humor. Even though I'm not all that close to my director, she's still made a huge influence on me. When I'm with my friends from orchestra, I let go of all my self conscious ED feelings, and I feel more like myself that when I'm with anyone else. It's not going to be the same next year without her. Our new director isn't going to drive us to a restaurant, letting five of us cram into the backseat of her car, cracking up the whole time! She won't drive us to Union Station, to play in front of the Christmas tree and see a movie and eat ice cream. Because of my director, I've been able to connect with people far more than I ever thought I'd be able to. It's not fair. I finally feel like I belong, with my director and all the kids in my orchestra, and now that's all being pulled out from under me because of over-staffing.

We went out to Chipotle last night, it was okay. It was really crowded so our whole orchestra was separated into small groups and we couldn't talk to each other from across the restaurant. I ate about 2/3 of a veggie burrito with no cheese, because I had missed my snack and knew I needed it. Everything went downhill when I got home. I started feeling really depressed about my director leaving. Then I started thinking about how this time last year, I was in the worst of my ED, and I'm so much bigger now. I locked myself in my room and cried for a really really long time. It felt nice. I started to feel hungry but then I thought "No, you aren't hungry. You aren't craving anything. How can you think of food with how you're feeling now?" So I didn't eat, I had a bottle of water and went to bed. Things haven't improved much today, I'm sorry to say. I've eaten my three main meals, but I've skipped most of my snacks, where my parents won't notice I'm skimping. I really apologize if this is triggering to anyone.

I went to group today, and talked about what's been happening. The girls were so sweet, I could tell that they were trying to pull my mood back up. I was on the verge of tears for the entire hour, because I knew that I couldn't believe what they told me. Or ED couldn't. I don't know, damn. One of them told me that life is hard, but what's even harder is taking care of yourself through it all. Another girl said that people may come and go in my life, but they'll all make a lasting impression on me that will shape who I am in the future. All of them tried to emphasize how far I've come since I started group, and how much I'd lose if I relapsed back into old behaviors. One of the girls, who's been through a ton of IP, talked to me outside of the group room and told me that she knows what it's like to have someone you care about taken away from you. She asked if I was feeling any better and all I could do was smile and shake my head no.

Two days ago I said I was ready to kill whatever part of ED is still clinging to me. And now.. now, I have just super-glued ED to me again. I don't know what I'm going to do over spring break next week. My parents will be out working mostly, I won't have friends at school to keep me distracted while I'm eating. I don't have group, so there's no one for me to talk to next week either. Things could get worse in terms of eating and exercising. Or, I could be back on track by spring break, that was the goal I made for group. I just feel like that "flame of recovery" that has been burning inside of my for the past almost-year has been blown out.

I'm sorry for such a crap post. So sorry. I'm confused and my head hurts. Goodnight.