Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mommy's day

Hello, loves! Told you I'd be back. I've adjusted to not blogging regularly quite well. My obsession with food, magically, is now almost gone! It's so lovely to just be able to eat normal food on ugly plates, without worrying about whether what I'm eating is attention-worthy. That just feeds my disorder and makes me think that I'm not worth it if my food isn't special enough. Don't get me wrong, I still love food! I always have and always will. But I want to just let my culinary creativity come naturally if it means a full recovery.

So today is Mother's Day. Is my mom the only mom who despises this holiday? She always tells my sister and I not to get her any gifts, and just treat her as well as we do every other day of the year. But of course I never listen to her! I love her for all the support, humor and advice she's given me over the years. Not just in my recovery, for the past 14 years she's been the only person I can trust with anything I want to say. I had to do something to recognize that. Since she loves to read, I made her a cloth bookmark embroidered with her initials and flowers. I also made her favorite breakfast in bed: Cinnamon raisin scones, scrambled eggs, and orange juice. No picture, because I didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

Lately I've been feeling very stressed and overwhelmed. I've been anxious all the time and can never get my mind to settle down so I can relax. There are always tons of thoughts and worries building up in my cranium so today I decided to do something about it!

I made two lists. The first is called "Things and People that Really Annoy Me". When I'm stressed I get overly emotional, so just about everything annoys me and weighs my mind down. In half an hour I came up with 58 things, wow! Next I wrote a list called "Major Stresses", which only has nine things on it. These are what were occupying my mind the most and made it impossible for me to quit worrying.

Then I went sort of crazy with my pens.. for the annoyance list I just ferociously scribbled all over the page until all those little problems were blacked out. I didn't need to think too much about it, because they were just useless bits that were clogging up my brain. I was a bit more thoughtful with the stresses list. For every item on it, I thought about what I could do to improve it so it didn't stress me out anymore. Then I scribbled it out. I came up with solutions for some of the problems. But for the rest of them, I just had to think, "That's out of my hands and I can't do anything about it." Too much of my ED came from trying to fix problems that weren't mine to fix. I'm going to just have to relax now and let everything that I can't control run it's course. Things will work out.

A HA, I'm not done yet! After the coloring party I just ripped the papers to shreds and chucked them in the recycling bin. As stupid as it sounds, I feel like I can actually breathe now, like the stress has just fallen out of my head. Seeing my problems spelled out in front of me, coming up with a solution to make myself feel better about them and destroying them might give me the relaxation I've needed for so long.

Okay okay, so I do have some food pictures. I'm sure most of you have heard of Katie's New Foods Challenge! But if you live in a cave and have not, definitely check it out! The new food I choose was edamame. I know, what kind of failure vegetarian has never tried edamame before? ME! But I finally picked some up a little while ago and I'm so glad I did! It has stellar nutritionals, with tons of protein and fiber. It's mighty tasty too! Sort of nutty. I made a lovely salad with cooked edamame, romaine, carrots, black beans, zuccchini, and cucumber. Yum yum yum.

And today I tried my first green smoothie! I've only been reading/commenting on blogs sporadically lately but noticed a definite trend in green monsters. I was skeptical, but today I made my own out of a banana, strawbs, ground flax (another new food for me), 2 handfuls of spinach, and a splash of milk. It was delicious, why didn't I try it before? I'll definitely make it again with different fruits.

Ooooh, well today's breakfast was too cute not to share! Those little Wholefoods chocolate graham bears had just escaped the peanut butter tsunami and were headed for the apricot lifeboats but...

Nope. The Kiki monster ate them. Along with the oatmeal ocean and PB tsunami.

Hmmm, I'm so used to saying "goodnight" to wrap up my posts but it's not even 6:00 yet! Alright then, ciao!


Anonymous said...

Aw, I'm so glad to see you post again kiddo! Love that you are feeling so much better and I am so proud of you for doing what felt best for you. The bookmark you made sounds absolutely lovely and I'm sure your mother adores it, even if she didn't want anything.
I'm gald you are having fun trying new and different foods, without any sort of stress. Ah its all just such good stuff - I am really happy for you Kiki.
Take care, hope to hear from you again.


Anonymous said...

I love you! <3

Okie said...

Hi Kiki! I enjoy when you come to post. :) I am so happy for you that you're doing so well lately! I know how the anxiety can get, though, and can I just say that I think you handled it perfectly! That ripping up the paper, my friend, is what my therapist would call a healthy coping method. You are one healthy little chick. :) I love you so much, girlie! You are so sweet to your mom, and I'm sure she appreciated it so much. Have a great day, lovie!
xoxoxo Okie

maya said...

Loved this post! you are so sweet for making your mom the book mark and a wonderful b-fast! she is so lucky to have you as a daughter! i love edamame! i just had it in my dinner:)

love you loads!

ChocolateCoveredVegan said...

You are freakin hilarious with your teddy graham oatmeal, Kiki!

And thanks so much for the shout-out. I love edamame too, especially with salt (like they serve in some Asian restaurants). The first time I tried it, though, I didn't know you weren't supposed to eat the skin LOL.

Laci said...

Such a lovely idea to get rid of stress! Happy mothers day, I do the same! Adorable oats! I like edamamae strieght from the pod... :-)

lucy said...

Kiki, you are so cute with those torn stress lists and brown bear oats. Hope you had a great mother's day! I can't believe you are only 14... wow :-0

Sharon said...

You're amazing Kiki!
And that is so sweet of you to make your mom a bookmark! <3

Stef (More to Life Than Lettuce) said...

YAY you're back, I got the hugest smile on my face seeing your name on my blogfeed! Great news about your nowhere-to-be-found obsession with food! Even though your mom isn't a fan of the holiday I hope you all had a great weekend and got to spend time together!

Anonymous said...

hi sweetheart,

im so glad to hear from you and to hear the food obsession is almost gone :) Im so proud of you, it sounds like youve made some real progress! way to go!

and i love how you wrote that list and then destroyed it...very theraputic :)

Im really happy for you and how far uve some hun, keep on moving forward and doing what your doing, cause its workin :)

love you lots

Tiny Tina. said...

YAY! I must say, you have the best coping methods.
That list is such a good idea, and ripping it up must've been so freeing, am I right? =)And yay for the food obsession being gone! It's great when you realise what it is that feeds the disorder and then take the steps to eliminate that influence.
Aww, I wish I was your mum! Hehehe. She must've felt so special.
And thank you for your comment. I've read over it and I realise you are so right - I am stuck in a rut as it seemed you were at that time that I..said that. (so forgetful >.<)
I think I will be sending you a Facebook message soon if ya don't mind, I just need to vent and you're the perfect person to vent to, Kiki =)
Lots and lots of love!

emily. said...

Yay Kiki! I've missed your posts.

I love your stress coping techniques. I might just follow suit and rip apart my "annoyances" too.

I've never tried edamame either, but it sounds delicious.

Haha, your chocoteddy bear adventure is hilarious. Silly Kiki monster! <3

Have a great day! :)

Anonymous said...

this is so weird...I was just wondering what was going on with you and here I receive a comment from you! I was ecstatic that you're back! Missed you SO much!
I am SO glad you're getting less obsessive about food. looks lke whatever you're doing is working for you, hip hip hooray!
how sweet of you to make your mom that bookmark! you're right...mothers are the BEST! yours sound like an incredible woman.
haha, may all your stress be shredded up with those paper!

Laci said...

PS my last post eva!!!! :-0

Anonymous said...

Hey love! Glad you are doing well and I'm so sorry I didn't comment earlier! It makes me so happy to hear that the food issues are quieting down. I love what you did with your stresses-that's so smart! Cute oatmeal!
<3 jess

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm Karina :) I think it is great that you are done obsessing about food. It is really inspiring to see someone who is going through what I am going through truly improve and get better, and it gives me the strength to continue to try and recover. You are an inspiration, keep up the good work! And your smoothie looks delicious. I've always been afraid of green smoothie, I have to admit, but I think I'm gonna give it a try!
Take care!
<3 Karina

Anonymous said...

hey kiki! thanks for your well wishes. it made me so happy to hear from you again! when are you gonna update your blog again? :-(