Friday, April 10, 2009

A doughy day

Hello, world. I’m feeling pretty good today, which is why I’m posting three days in a row! Last night I ended up skimping on 100 cals that I meant to add to my PM snack. I was standing in the kitchen, granola bar in hand, and then I thought “No, I don’t need this.” So I put it back and went to bed. I think I’m okay with the size of my snack now and would be fine with keeping it this way. I know that’s letting ED win, I know I should be eating all of it and then sitting with the crappy feelings. But I just added back hundreds and really don’t want to push myself anymore. Arggg I don’t know!

My breakfast was delectable this morning! Among other things, I had chai banana coconut oatbran! Which is oat bran cooked in 1/2 milk and 1/2 water with TJ’s chai tea mix stirred in, topped with half a caramelized nanner and a sprinkle of coconut. Yum!pics 002

AM snack was two multi grain rice cakes topped with PB and the other half of the banana, smashed a la Jenny. Along with some lovely geometry 005

For lunch, I made a grilled pesto, hummus, and black olive sandwich. Olives olives olives I love olives! I also had cauliflower, plain yogurt with homemade apple butter, and a NP flax bars. I love these bars. They remind me of big, honey and raisin filled rice krispy 007

I did homework and practiced my various instruments for a while then got bored. Which means I baked. I wanted to make granola bars, but we are out of oatmeal! *Gasp* So I made toaster pastries!pics 008 I haven’t tried one yet, I’m saving it for breakfasts/snacks. They were quite difficult to make, I actually had to throw the dough (rhyme!) of one away because it wouldn’t stop falling apart :[

After baking I went on another walk. Brought my camera with me of course. It was so gorgeous out today, close to 70 degrees, breezy, and sunny! I found these flowers in my yard, I think they’re purple lillies of the 012 I think it’s good for me to photograph something other than food. I’m thinking of doing a 365 days of pictures type-thing on here, what do you all think?

My afternoon snack was slightly different than usual because I only had enough CC for one half of my muffin! So the other half had cream cheese. Along with strawbs and sunflower seed 025 

Dinner was amazing! My sister helped me make whole wheat pizza dough. It was the easiest and quickest dough I’ve ever made (only took 10 mins!) thanks to a food processor. We I topped my portion with Nature’s Promise pasta sauce, mozzarella, OLIVES and green pepper. It turned out exceptionally well. The crust was just the way I like it- soft and chewy, not “crackery”. pics 030 Also had a salad of romaine, carrots, cucumber, broccoli, and papaya poppy seed 028

My dad’s job involves doing techie stuff at big conventions in DC. Since he works after the shows are over, he often gets to claim the leftover freebies that they put out for the people going to the conventions. Today he came home just as my mom and I were setting the table for dinner. He plopped down a box of donuts on the table and said they were leftover from a convention. There were four, one for each of us. My mom said “Well, Kiki won’t want hers, so we’ll just let Allison have it.” My dad asked why I didn’t want mine, which I obviously didn’t have an answer for. After a moment of awkward silence he said “Are you ever going to eat doughnuts? Are you ever going to be normal again?” Thankfully I was saved from answering this because the oven timer went off. I don’t know how to explain to them that there isn’t a way to know what a normal me would be like. I don’t have a clue of what I’d be like, or what foods I’d like, if I had never gotten an eating disorder. And now, I don’t know if it’s normal for me to want to eat healthily and never touch a doughnut, or if that’s my ED speaking. Maybe the real me wants to eat junk food when I felt like it, like  I did before this all started. This frustrates me because I used to be so sure of who I was and what I wanted.

Good night, loves! Oh, and I need Easter dessert ideas. I need something like and springy!


Anonymous said...


Laci said...

Greek sandwich, homemade cruelty-free toaster pastries and doughy pizza made with love! :-)
sorry about the donuts, I know it is so hard to fight off long time fears, but it is definatly essential to recovery.Sad to say, though I am proud you have become so healthy I think it's your ED speaking telling you you can and shouldn't ever touch a donut. Imagine normal kids your age saying that- even the healthier ones, it's not fair to deprive your self after coming so far in recovery. Ultimatly it is up to you,, but when I let junk food back into my life I didn't suffer from "sluggishness, obesity or extreme sugar cravings" because I just wanted to experiment- it's normal and fine- in a way healthy, not to eat ONLy 100% really healthy! Sounds twisted, but for someone fighting an ED, it's a surprisingly smart decision!
Take care <3

Sharon said...

I think that it is a great idea to do the 365 picture thing, I would totally love it.

Meg said...

I like my pizza crust chewy too! Haha! I know what you mean about the whole junk food thing, I don't find it appealing anymore either but sometimes I can't really tell if it's actually the REAL ME that doesn't want it, you know? I enjoyed the weather we had today and I'm glad you did too! It was AWESOME to finally feel some warmth without rain around here...amen right?!

Have a lovely evening!!
love, Meg

Anonymous said...

stay strong kiki :) you rock my socks!!

pesto hummus olive sandwich sounds awesome! & pizza for dinner! you've got fabulous eats

K from ksgoodeats said...

You are quite the cook!! Everything you created looks insanely delicious! Pesto sandwich? Yum :)

Gaby said...

Everything looks delicious today Kiki! But don't let ED win!
In all honestly, YES you did need that snack. But more importantly, did you WANT it? Do you think it would have tasted good? Don't let ED tell you you do or don't need to do things, he's always wrong, and usually in terrible self destructive ways.
Have you tried eating a donut again? or any other junk food? it is totally normal to enjoy eating healthy, many people do it and never do eat donuts. The real issue is how you would feel about eating it, could you eat it, enjoy it or not and move on? Or would ED still be lurking there making you feel guilty about it? I say you try one or something else you consider "junk" and then decide if your taste buds truly like it or not. I've challenged myself with lots of different junk foods and truthfully found that I much prefer the taste of more wholesome things now, fried things really do make my stomach hurt and I don't like the taste, but I had to try it to find this out and do my best to have an unbiased response. And in the end it was fine, I didn't enjoy it to the absolute max, which ED makes me feel is essential, but it's ok, and I got over it.
Give things a chance, take your time, and please do get back up to your needed calorie level!
love ya!

tinyirishdancer said...

Keekers! I've missed you!

Your foodage looks yumfuls, as per usual. Homemade toaster strudels = tha bombdiggety. Can't wait to hear the verdict. =]

I'm sorry about your padre, too. It's so difficult for people on the "outside" to understand the mind of someone w/an ED. It's never as simple as "just eat". (*sigh* But wouldn't that be nice?)
Mebbe try sitting down and talking to him? Or build up to the challenge - start with smaller fear foods, then work up to being comfortable with the more major ones.

Hmm. Okay. Easter recipes.
ANYTHING lemony. I'd say you can't go wrong with lemon (or any sort of berry) bars. Let me know if you want some recipes!

Oop. Time for dindins. Take care, girlie! <3

Pamela Alida said...

I am sorry about the comment your dad made. I have faith in you that one day you will be able to break free from Ed's demands and enjoy a donut. You are doing so well, keep up all your hard work.

Nancy said...

Yum for pizza and toaster pastries! You are such an awesome cook! Sorry about the doughnuts, I know it's hard, but its great that you are still fighting.

You're sooper dooper!

Anonymous said...

=/ I hate hearing that some parents say those things. My parents have NEVER said anything like that before. However, if it makes you feel any better...a few months ago I was at a parade with my family and had just finished my breakfast and realized I was still hungry! So I grabbed a maple frosted donut and loved every bite of it. That week I also lost weight. So donuts do NOT = weight gain! A hundred donuts might, but not one! Think about it...a donut doesn't even weight 1/4 of a pound, so how do you expect it to make you gain anything?!

<3 I love your flower picture. I say go for that 365 picture idea, I love it!!!

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. I know its hard, I struggle with the same thing. Not quite knowing who you would be if ED never came into the picture..

One day though, this will all be long past us. We'll look back and wonder how we went from one extreme to the other, and slowly regained our confidence in ourselves to trust our instincts and our bodies. It WILL come. It just takes time.

BTW those pastries look awesome and I love olives like no other!!!!


Neela Marijana said...

hey kiki,
aw i know what you feel about your mum's comment. but you know what whenever this happens in my family. for example we go out to eat and there is a deep fried dish and only one piece is left and the person will ask everyone if they want it but not ME! DUH! but hey you know that's okay. i can be normal but not eat that stuff. dont let your parents define for YOU what normal is to you. you decide what you eat when you want to be normal. i have a friend who is a vegan, goes to the gym everyday and is super healthy but has never had an ED. she is just like this without having this negative voice. her weight is perfecly healthy. everyone always says 'awww you're so health concious.' and then she just replies 'well yeah i am but i like it. i feel goo this way' if you are happy with not eating that doughnut than its okay not to eat it. but if you really want to eat but you are not allowing yourself to eat it then yes i guess you are not normal yet. i hope you understand what i am saying love. you need to decide how you want to be healthy and normal not others!
you can do this! oh and i love your breakfast bowl. we have the same chinese bowls too. haha :)

Anonymous said...

hey hun
great eats :) the toaster pastries look great!
im sorry about what your dad said. its hard to differentiate between what we want and what ed wants alot of the time but i think if we give differnt foods a chanc and like them , well know if its us or ed that doesnt want a certain food.
keep fighting hun,
have a great night
much love

Anonymous said...

Don't feel bad about the snack issue ~ you're still recovering from a relapse and it takes time to adjust: as long as it doesn't become a downward spiral it's not an issue and if you were truly full (NOT ED speaking) then it's okay to leave something every now and again if you're at maintenance.

The donut problem is something that I experience too, though much less as I'm vegan. However, whenever some junk food that I could have emerged in the past when I had 'friends,' there was always huge pressure for me to eat it or I was abnormal, the weird freaky vegan anorexic. But being normal is not eating junk just because someone expects you to or you used to. That's 'conformative' eating, not intuitive or normal eating. Tastes change and if you genuinely don't want a donut, no one should make you feel bad for preferring to eat healthy foods. It's all about figuring out what you really enjoy and what makes you (not ED) feel good.

Have a wonderful Easter


Jemima said...

Aww hun I have the same dilemma re: 'junk' food - I'm not really sure if it's me or ED that dislikes it. Like when I did the cookie challenge - the cookies were OK, but in all honesty I would have preferred one of my normal snacks - satiety, taste AND healthwise. Hm. Something to think about.

Congrats on building up your cals again - though despite how crappy it feels, you probably should add in that last bit of night snack. I know it feels horrible, it would be a final gesture to ED that despite a few bad days, he wasn't successful in letting your diet decrease.

Love you loads beauty girl, xxx

lex said...

Great eats - I have the same thoughts sometimes. If I didn't have an E.D. would I love veggies as much as I do? Would I be a fruit addict? I'm trying to listen to my body more. Hopefully we will find the answers to these questions! Love always,

Tiny Tina. said...

You may not have had the night snack, but you increased throughout the week so that is a BIG WIN for Kiki and a big kick in the guts for ED! You do need the night snack though, and I know you can do it. It'll only be beneficial for you in the long run, and an even bigger kick in the guts for that sucker!
The sammich sounds so yummy, and Greek-style! Me likey, me likey. =D
This may be too much, but think of a food you liked pre-ED that you see as "junk" food. Maybe you can have a little try of it and see if you like it or if you don't? Perhaps your sense of what you do and don't like the taste of have changed since you were younger..if you DO find you enjoy though, this is a GOOD thing! I promise is perfectly healthy to indulge in a "bad" food every so often. And yet again, ANOTHER kick for ED! I'm so proud of you for making a turn back in the right direction lately. =)

Anonymous said...

sigh, I know what you mean...but ONLY eating healthy foods is definitely not have to ask yourself, are you UNABLE to eat that donut, or do you just don't WANT to eat it? being normal with food is being FREE with it, free from any anxieties or worries or obsessions but just going according to what YOU crave and desire.
anyway, on a lighter note, that toaster pastry thing you made looks amazing. move over, pop tarts!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're feeling good! You can do the snack Kiki. I know you can! I love all the eats--everything from the oatbran to the pizza. I love whole wheat pizza dough. I think it tastes better. Mmm, doughy :D About your doughnut dilemma, I don't think donuts are bad and I think they can be enjoyed sensibly. I know how hard it is to explain to ones family and how awkward it can be. Is there any way you can maybe eat half a donut/whatever the food is? Healthy eating is not all 100% healthy foods. A healthy diet DOES include treats. It's okay to have a donut every once in a while. If all you ever ate was donuts, now that is unhealthy. You can do this Kiki. Have a lovely day Kiki!
<3 jess :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Kiki :D

Heavenly breakfast you got there.. sounds delectable!

Your homemade pizza looks so yummy! Glad it was a quick process to make the dough!

Eating a donut doesn’t make a person “normal”. We all prefer different kinds of foods. I do have dessert every now and then but donuts aren’t my thing. I’d rather have some frozen yogurt, ice cream, or a cookie. Trust me love.. just because you didn’t want to eat the donut it doesn’t mean you are not normal!! Part of it could be ED talking, but part of it could also be your true self not WANTING the donut because you just didn’t feel like eating a donut! Don’t take the comment your dad said too seriously.. people who eat junk food constantly and who do not have eating disorders just don’t understand why we like to eat healthy. Eating healthy is “normal” for us.. for some people it’s abnormal because they do not like eating healthy.

Hope you have a GREAT EASTER sweetie pie <3

Aubrey Nicole Lee said...

hi dear. thanks for dropping by my last post. i am sorry at you feel like you don't know who the normal kiki is. well guess what, me too! I think that is one ofthe greatest challenges for us. Because ED have conquered the real us, it is very tricky to se[perate the real you from the ED one. Well, as long as we keep on fighting, we will soon see the silver lining! Have faith! ;)

Anonymous said...

I've missed you my beautiful (:

Still need to catch up on your posts, but I'm THRILLED that you're doing better <3

Anonymous said...

Hey check out my blog! I gave you an award :)
<3 jess :)

Anonymous said...

Oh homemade pizza sounds great!! I loveee olives too, I just want to use the olive spread I got at the store with everything I can!

Just keep trying to push ED out, remember a life without him is going to be 1 million times better, so just keep working at it!

Anonymous said...

YOu are doing so great Kiki. I haven't been able to even think about pizza since my horrific experience with it in IP. I know its hard to know when its ED talking or when its really your choice. The thing that helps me is thinking "Did I used to like this before I became anorexic?" If the answer is yes, then try to make a plan to allow yourself to try it again. I know its a challenge (peppermint patty!) but its so worth it to be able to say "I tried this. And it is/is not my eating disorder that's keeping me from eating it." Even if you never have said food again - at least you know why. You have already come so far Kiki, and you have overcome so much - especially at the young age of 14. Be proud of the progress you've made. Don't let what your dad said get you down. He just wants you to be happy. If he is anything like my father - he is used to being able to crush the spiders, fix the bike or whatever it is that made you upset, and have the problem solved. It probably frustrates him that he can't just bring home a box of donuts and have everything fixed. It is not your fault though - that is something he has to deal with, just like anorexia is what you have to deal with. And you are doing a marvelous job of it. Keep going Kiki. Remember though, you are only 14. You don't need to have everything planned and figured out right now. You have time to learn, time to grow and change. So you have to just go with the flow of things and take life as it comes. So you didn't have the donut this time. Maybe if you make a plan to try one (or some other fear food), and try it a few times in your own comofrt zone, one of these nights your dad brings home a suprise like that - you'll be able to handle it and go for it.
Keep on truckin' Kiki. You are capable of anything you set your mind to.
I hope you've had a good weekend and a happy Monday.

Nancy said...

Hey Kiki! I have an award for you at my blog! :)

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